Completely blindsided

[Confused in TX]

Thank you for listening.  My boyfriend recently proposed to me and ended the relationship on the same day and I believe he may have BPD.  Long story short... .We are in our 40's, everything started out beautifully but he was very intense early on.  He told me he loved me in 10 days, showered me with gifts, tattooed my name on his arm after three months (to show me he would love me forever), asked me to move in after four months and proposed on our 6 month anniversary and ended it that same night.  This was two weeks ago. I'm shocked, blindsided and feel completely obliterated.  I do not know much about BPD but during our six months I noticed this: perceived slights that blew up and control issues, ending it severely and abruptly with absolutely no explanation twice (and fed exing my belongings in the mail).  I chased after him to understand and there was no remorse at all.  He lacks empathy and is frequently irritable and gets moreso if I ask about it.  Keep in mind he is very successful, was very generous and loving in so many ways but these other instances were just so "off."  He gave me the silent treatment each time he broke it off with me and this final time is devastating.  He asked me to pick out a ring on Memorial Day, gave it to me on our 6th month anniversary and called it off that night.  We never even argue or fight!  I work hard to make him feel special and loved 24 -7 including photo albums of our trips, pictures of he and his deceased brothers as kids into artwork, notes on his pillow etc.  I finally got him on the phone a week after he ended our engagement and he said the reason he ended it was because I was "ungrateful."  What?  If you were feeling this way how come we never talked about it and P.S. I am not ungrateful.  He also said he wanted to be single and was having resentment about getting engaged.  What?  You were the one that demanded I pick out a ring and proposed.  He will no longer speak to me and has moved on.  He told me that he absolutely has no feelings for me anymore.  He did say that he was going to speak to a counselor to help him understand these "events," but would not elaborate.  I'm sitting here demolished wondering what just happened.  He sent me texts every day saying I was the love of his life and that I "owned" his soul, including the day he proposed!  I just feel so crazy and lost.  Any advice, feedback, observations are appreciated more than you will ever know.

[FigureIt]

I am sorry for the hurt you are suffering. :'(

Being in a live-in relationship with my uBPDbf for 4 years, and currently getting everything all financially set to leave.  From my experience with all that has taken place.  RUN!  Stay away!  I know it hurts now, but you will be SOO MUCH Better Off.  It is truly not worth all the emotional pain you will go through.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thank you for listening.  My boyfriend recently proposed to me and ended the relationship on the same day and I believe he may have BPD.  Long story short... .We are in our 40's, everything started out beautifully but he was very intense early on.  He told me he loved me in 10 days, showered me with gifts, tattooed my name on his arm after three months (to show me he would love me forever), asked me to move in after four months and proposed on our 6 month anniversary and ended it that same night.  This was two weeks ago. I'm shocked, blindsided and feel completely obliterated.  I do not know much about BPD but during our six months I noticed this: perceived slights that blew up and control issues, ending it severely and abruptly with absolutely no explanation twice (and fed exing my belongings in the mail).  I chased after him to understand and there was no remorse at all.  He lacks empathy and is frequently irritable and gets moreso if I ask about it.  Keep in mind he is very successful, was very generous and loving in so many ways but these other instances were just so "off."  He gave me the silent treatment each time he broke it off with me and this final time is devastating.  He asked me to pick out a ring on Memorial Day, gave it to me on our 6th month anniversary and called it off that night.  We never even argue or fight!  I work hard to make him feel special and loved 24 -7 including photo albums of our trips, pictures of he and his deceased brothers as kids into artwork, notes on his pillow etc.  I finally got him on the phone a week after he ended our engagement and he said the reason he ended it was because I was "ungrateful."  What?  If you were feeling this way how come we never talked about it and P.S. I am not ungrateful.  He also said he wanted to be single and was having resentment about getting engaged.  What?  You were the one that demanded I pick out a ring and proposed.  He will no longer speak to me and has moved on.  He told me that he absolutely has no feelings for me anymore.  He did say that he was going to speak to a counselor to help him understand these "events," but would not elaborate.  I'm sitting here demolished wondering what just happened.  He sent me texts every day saying I was the love of his life and that I "owned" his soul, including the day he proposed!  I just feel so crazy and lost.  Any advice, feedback, observations are appreciated more than you will ever know.

Sorry this happened to you. Based on what you said consider it a godsend that he ended it. If you were married to this clearly you would be tap dancing all over the place to make him happy. But as you can tell, nothing you are going to do is going to make a difference. Dont think you can change him. Don't think you will be the one who will make him see true love finally and you'll live happily ever after. You think love requires some degree of work. I can tell you after 10 years with mine, no degree of work will  make a difference. As a matter of fact, you'll end up doing everything you can think of to be perfect, but the one little thing you think is little will be major to him, and he will still end it. My point being, you will never guess what could set him off.

If he is BPD, he's going to nurse some regret soon and come back and tell you how sorry and wrong he was. For your own mental well being, don't let him back.

[Confused in TX]

You all are angels.  I need to hear this.  I keep wondering what I did wrong and my head is still spinning saying "what just happened?" I can't make sense of it.

[ShadowIntheNight]

You all are angels.  I need to hear this.  I keep wondering what I did wrong and my head is still spinning saying "what just happened?" I can't make sense of it.

You did nothing wrong. You won't be able to pinpoint anything and the thing that may have set him off will be so innocuous to you that you'll think you've lost your mind. You've not lost your mind. But he is a sick person and no amount of love or compassion or caring will fix him. Don't blame yourself for anything. If you do he will be able to lay the responsibility at your feet from now on.

My ex ended our relationship by writing me a note she stuck inside a birthday card to me. After 9.5 years together. She never gave an indication she was second thinking us. We didn't argue. We were very happy together. And she left me for a complete stranger. She was interviewing my replacement while I was working on a custody document between her and her exH after a prolonged custody battle. What did I do wrong? You tell me. I have no idea to this day.

And she's a therapist too.

[Aussie0zborn]

As already suggested, you did nothing wrong. Nothing.

What just happened you say? A tornado just blew through your life. Time for you to mop up and get everything back in order and resume life. That's all it was. A freak storm that got bigger and bigger.

Put it down as the most unusual experience you have had and move on. You have the ability to be a valued partner to somebody who can appreciate you. He hasn't.  It can also make a good dinner party story (but keep it real short and be alert to others' reactions so you know when to stop).

Consider yourself lucky that it was so brief. I know it was hurtful but it coulda been a lot worse.

[patientandclear]

I tend to disagree that it could have been a lot worse. I similarly had a short term blissful r/ship ended out of the blue, with my BF acting confused about why and blurting out that he missed his solo life ... .Along with other super painful stated reasons that he later said didn't make any sense. Having a r/ship ended when nothing nasty or bad has happened is a truly traumatizing event. It's sometimes referred to as "ambiguous loss" -- profound loss for no clear reason -- and it's super hard to recover from.

He too went to counseling to figure out what happened (not the first time he'd done that either). About a month after I completely gave up trying to argue him out of his position, he wanted to talk about getting back together. His feelings swung hard back again though a few days later and we agreed he needed time to assess what he wanted. Weeks later, he was pursuing someone else.

I think to understand what happened you have to grasp that it actually doesn't feel all that great to have someone else "own your soul." That degree of enmeshment feels romantic, but in fact, it's threatening to the pwBPD's sense of self. So tough to experience both in such quick succession--and of course, very confusing to them, too.

[deux soeurs]

I agree with the others, RUN.  They will always try and recycle.  I never knew about BPD until my sister told me she has it.  I read and read and realized BF had it.  I stayed way too long trying be perfect and absolutely, it is an impossible standard to live up to.  They want a way out and will do it and you will not know what hit you.  I am sorry for your pain but he did do you a favor.  It s*cks, it's so darn painful, just please don't get caught up in the recycle like I did.

[willemina]

How are you doing? Has anything else happened since your post? I am very sorry to hear what happened, that is extreme what he did and mean. I have a lot in common with you. I'm in Texas too, me and my bf are in our 40"s. We have a 1 1/2 year relationship. Marriage came up (I brought it up) and he went crazy. Not all at once at first, he was a bubbling cauldron saying things like "You put pressure on me, you stress me out... ." and then he said "I told you when I met you, I will never marry you or anyone in my life!"

I will not live together or sleep over because I am trying to live right by God. we both have kids at home and they do not need to see that, because its like we would be giving permission for them to shack up, so I cared enough to say we need to make it right and get married, or are we going to commute to each others houses every day for the rest of our lives and he said "Yep". WTHeck?

So, after bubbling for about two months, he then cuts me out, 'silent treatment' and its been 4 weeks now. He called me once and screamed "You are the problem!" He said I will not hear from him for a long time, maybe even up to a year. I can't do anything. He said he did not care what this means for me, my kids, his kids, nobody but HIM. I was completely blindsided too. It is day by day, one day at a time.

I will say this, I admire all the sweet little things you mentioned you did for him. I am not really like that at all, and I wished I were more thoughtful like that. I'm sure there are things you have given him, or a memory you created, that makes him think fondly of you. I got a very loving card from him on Easter and I can't even open it now. This is very painful. I just wanted to share and also see how you are doing?

will you take him back, if he asks you?

I know my answer,,, I will take him back. we love each other, and it is fair to take the time to learn each other and work things out as best as you can, but this 'cut out of their life with no warning' is just unbelievable. I would never do this to someone, its mean, and hurts the tender heart 

[Tim300]

Great responses here.  You did nothing wrong.  In any event, regardless of what you did or didn't do, this is a mentally ill person.  The outcome would be the same no matter what.  Don't drive yourself crazy trying to understand why your pwBPD did this or that -- acting in ways that nobody can understand is a fundamental part of the disorder.  PwBPD do not think in the same (relatively) rational way that nons think.  I am sorry that you've gone through this (I had a very similar experience but it took me longer to figure out the concept of BPD and what exactly it entails).  Be grateful that you've identified the issue.  And be aware that whatever bizarre, hurtful, and frightening behavior you've witnessed, it will get worse, and there's nothing you (or the pwBPD) can do to change that.  Stay strong -- life will get better, much better, with time. 

[willemina]

Tim300, your post is good & helpful. Was it for (me) Willemina or Completely Blindsided or both?

thank you & everyones posts have been helping me get through this

[Tim300]

Tim300, your post is good & helpful. Was it for (me) Willemina or Completely Blindsided or both?

thank you & everyones posts have been helping me get through this

Thanks, my post was for the OP, but it is applicable to any of these relationships. 

[apollotech]

Hi Confused,

You didn't do anything wrong. The engagement caused him to feel engulfed. To avoid that, he split. A pwBPD cannot regulate their emotions; as a result, over time, they develope very maladapted coping mechanisms--you, unfortunately, were on the receiving end of one of his maladapted defense mechanisms. Their maladaptiveness is borne out in the fact that they destroy rather than preserve: the relationship was destroyed.

If you decide to seek him out and reengage him in a relationship, it will constantly be about him trying to regulate his emotions regarding his fear of abandonment and his fear of engulfment. These are polarized ends of the same axis; therefore, you will experience wild/wide swings between idealization (pull behaviors) and devaluation (push behaviors). You will be the recipient of his maladapted mechanisms as the relationship's Danse Macabre is played out.

I know that what I wrote sounds very cold and analytical; it was meant to sound that way. I want you to understand what you were dealing with because you do not need to question yourself or your behavior regarding his actions/behavior in this incident. It hurts; I have been there. I am sorry that you are now there, but please do not take it upon yourself to try to fix him/this--you cannot fix him. Also, please do not take responsibility for what happened as it is not your responsibility.

You can only control your actions/behavior and better yourself in all of this. Take care of yourself. It does get better with time and understanding what you've been through. Also, please be aware of/prepared for his return. His return/him reaching out is likely as soon as his fear of abandonment reaches critical mass (overcomes his fear of engulfment). You'll see/experience his idealization (pull) behavior when he returns, but remember, it will be temporary.

[Tim300]

Hi Confused,

You didn't do anything wrong. The engagement caused him to feel engulfed. To avoid that, he split. A pwBPD cannot regulate their emotions; as a result, over time, they develope very maladapted coping mechanisms--you, unfortunately, were on the receiving end of one of his maladapted defense mechanisms. Their maladaptiveness is borne out in the fact that they destroy rather than preserve: the relationship was destroyed.

If you decide to seek him out and reengage him in a relationship, it will constantly be about him trying to regulate his emotions regarding his fear of abandonment and his fear of engulfment. These are polarized ends of the same axis; therefore, you will experience wild/wide swings between idealization (pull behaviors) and devaluation (push behaviors). You will be the recipient of his maladapted mechanisms as the relationship's Danse Macabre is played out.

I know that what I wrote sounds very cold and analytical; it was meant to sound that way. I want you to understand what you were dealing with because you do not need to question yourself or your behavior regarding his actions/behavior in this incident. It hurts; I have been there. I am sorry that you are now there, but please do not take it upon yourself to try to fix him/this--you cannot fix him. Also, please do not take responsibility for what happened as it is not your responsibility.

You can only control your actions/behavior and better yourself in all of this. Take care of yourself. It does get better with time and understanding what you've been through. Also, please be aware of/prepared for his return. His return/him reaching out is likely as soon as his fear of abandonment reaches critical mass (overcomes his fear of engulfment). You'll see/experience his idealization (pull) behavior when he returns, but remember, it will be temporary.

Great entry.  Hits the nail on the head. 

[Bpdwifelife]

I know your story. It's mine - same age - fell in love instantly - moved in after a week  tattooed my name on his finger - engaged within in two months - married in ten. Do not marry him. Listen to your gut. He was pushing marriage - I started having terrible panic attacks and month long periods before the wedding - but I married him anyway. Then it really started. Do not marry him. Please. Save yourself. Please. You will have nothing but a life that revolves around him. Your feelings DO NOT matter. It's his world. You are just his life saver. I wish I listened to my body - which was literally screaming at me to get out. He may get better. They can with a lot of will and work. But it will never go away and your life will revolve around his cycles. He will not be there for you. Unravel yourself. I know you love him. I love mine too. But he does not love you and mine doesn't either though he tells me 10 times a day. Mine is gorgeous and I am still physically attracted to him and people who don't know what's going on think I am a lucky girl. Mine is not a cheater but honestly I wish he was - so he can find someone else to attach to and focus on and rage at - but I'd tell her the same thing. He is a FULL TIME JOB. Thankfully we don't have children and we never will. I wish you the best please search your heart soul and LISTEN to your inner voice. Let him go before you get too tied up. I think part of the reason I went through with the marriage is not necessarily because I was so in love with him (which I was) but because I made such an ass of myself showing off my gorgeous finance on facebook that I was too wrapped up in how good my life looked like with him and could not admit it was a sham. The sex will stop too after marriage. All those seductive goodies that hook you in at the start - gone after marriage - no need for that anymore! Once he's got you - HES GOT YOU. Save yourself. I wish you the best.

[Penumbra66]

What a horrible situation. Yes, perhaps it's better to have it happen now, but I really don't think it makes it even an ounce less traumatic or painful.

I was with mine for a year and a half before she ran off with my replacement almost exactly one year ago. She's been texting me for about a week on OK Cupid, because she's blocked everywhere else. Apparently I am now the love of her life, and she could've been happy with me until the day she died. Of course I don't buy it. What to a normal person would read like an attempt to reunite, she is now painting as not a "back-and-forth," but merely an attempt to let me know she cared about me. So it's not a reconciliation. Except that it is. Except that it's not.

She even wrote that she will never understand why she treated someone she "loved so much with such total disrespect." So in fact it is the same back-and-forth of a year ago, nearly a year later, with no contact for nearly 10 months. Strangely, she only checks her OkCupid account in the morning at around 1030 or 11 PM. I'm sure she is probably either living with my replacement or someone else.

Dealing with a person with BPD is a horrible experience, because nothing makes sense so we put the blame on ourselves. How could this person do this? What is their motivation? Did they ever care about me whatsoever? Do they still care?

The answer is maybe at one point, and maybe again in the future, but it will never be stable. I'm chatting with mine only because I had things I wanted to say to her, because I think she takes at least a slight bit of responsibility now. I've also had nearly a year to detach, and I'm more angry than feeling much grief at this point. I guess I also need to confirm that all of this has been about her and not me. At this point, the evidence that points to her dysfunctional personality is mounting. Which I think is the evidence that most of us gather over time.

It's very unfortunate, but there is probably almost nothing you could've done differently that would have saved your relationship. And even had you been able to prolong it for a while, The and was always in the cards.

Again, I'm so sorry. I think most of us have been in your shoes, and it is the worst place I think we will ever find ourselves in life.