need some comfort~

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Just broke with a woman i have been seeing for 6 months... .4 break-ups... .this was the most dysfunctional relationship i have ever been in, by far.

People can't believe all the crazy things she did--but I was patient and kind for 6 months--then I finally erupted and the next day she ends it. I believe this is it and she will not return, which I know is the healthiest thing for me. But I feel very hurt and lonely--I did so much for her, withstood so much, then i act like any normal person would and kaput.

My psychologist has warned me to stay far away--that I will lose my money and my mind if i was ever with this crazy again, but the "feelings" are still there... .I have to assume this is not love on my part, but something much more insidious on my part... .some sick need to take care of people.

I am new to all of this so please forgive my naivite (sic?).

just looking for some encouragement in a support setting.

FYI, the ex claims she had "ptsd", but never met criteria for BPD, not that it matters what she thinks.

[mays2424]

Just broke with a woman i have been seeing for 6 months... .4 break-ups... .this was the most dysfunctional relationship i have ever been in, by far.

People can't believe all the crazy things she did--but I was patient and kind for 6 months--then I finally erupted and the next day she ends it. I believe this is it and she will not return, which I know is the healthiest thing for me. But I feel very hurt and lonely--I did so much for her, withstood so much, then i act like any normal person would and kaput.

My psychologist has warned me to stay far away--that I will lose my money and my mind if i was ever with this crazy again, but the "feelings" are still there... .I have to assume this is not love on my part, but something much more insidious on my part... .some sick need to take care of people.

I am new to all of this so please forgive my naivite (sic?).

just looking for some encouragement in a support setting.

FYI, the ex claims she had "ptsd", but never met criteria for BPD, not that it matters what she thinks.

[Yolanda123]

Hi mays2424

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It hurts

I think that it's very good you're seeing a psychologist. I'm seeing one too.

I'm pretty new also here so I don't really feel in a position to give sound advice as I'm pretty early in the post b/u process myself (18 days after a 1 1/2 year r/s)

I can tell you that posting here and reading other people's stories helps a lot. There's a lot of caring people willing to share their experience/insight.

What works for me when I have hard moments is (lots of this I have received here as advice from other members):

- Remembering/writing down the bad in the ex & the r/s - not focusing on the good (idealization etc)

- Threw away/deleted everything that could remind me of the ex

- Blocked cell phone/Facebook etc

- No contact

- Reminding myself that this was a highly toxic Relationship and that I have to take care of myself now

- Reminding myself that I've done my best and been honest and sincere in the r/s, loved and cared for this person, but that BPD was ruling the r/s, there's nothing I could have done that would have changed anything

It's natural to feel hurt, sad and lonely. Let yourself go through these feelings, they are normal and part of the Healing process.

Take care of yourself, read here and post what you are feeling, it helps just to write it down and share with people that can understand.

It will get better, hang in there 

[Aussie0zborn]

Yolanda, good luck in your recovery. I found that therapy combined with the resources here and reading as many posts as I could, helped me immensely. I hope it helps you too.

Mays, you were not in it for too long and so it will be easier for you to break free and heal. But you need to stay away. In the meantime, read as many posts here as you can, together with the resources and don't think that any of this can never happen to you.

Your therapist is right - this will cost you a lot of money if you continue. In my case it was over $1 million and I'm still counting. For the last two years I have been losing my half of the $60,000 rental monies that should have gone to our mortgage account but instead are going into her pocket. I will never get all that money back and I'm struggling to get 50% in settlement.

I have a matter before the courts where she lied under oath and today my lawyer told me he doesn't want to push it too hard in case the court charges her with perjury and she loses her job as a result of a criminal conviction. Personally, I don't mind if she loses her plush government job but according to my lawyer... .I SHOULD MIND! If she is unemployed she will get more in settlement. This means I will be paying for her crime. Each situation is different and you can never see how you are going to lose money but there is always a twist with a PD person and you can never see it coming. Just accept that your therapist is right.

You sound a lot like me and a lot of others here and I applaud your use of the word "insidious" - yes it is very insidious and my therapist focused on this insidious desire to take care of others and forget about ourselves.

Stick with the therapy. Look to see if it was all fakery on her part and get yourself out of the F.O.G. If you don't lose your money, you will certainly lose your mind if you keep contact. Good luck in your recovery.

[mays2424]

Thanks for all the help/advice. Just trying to keep busy, but my thoughts keep coming back to all the words said, etc. I will continue to monitor this board for comfort--glad I came across it.

Mays2424

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, OK, I see where you are stuck. Exactly where I was stuck and after leaving her I went back which means that I learned the hard way that... .

talk is cheap.

Yes, real cheap. Its the talk that is keeping you stuck. As vicious as this might sound... .it was all lies (except the bit about what a great guy you are - while that's true she probably never really meant it so it's still a lie on her part).

So at the end of the day... .it was all lies. It stinks, doesn't it? Hang in there - time is the best healer.

[rotiroti]

Thanks for all the help/advice. Just trying to keep busy, but my thoughts keep coming back to all the words said, etc. I will continue to monitor this board for comfort--glad I came across it.

Mays2424

Hang in there Mays2424, my thoughts are with you!

I really vouch for the advice that both yolanda and aussie left here -- I know right now you're feeling vulnerable and replaying all the what-ifs and if it was your fault... no. stop. What really helped me was that I took the initiative and blocked her on every means possible. It's difficult, I caved in and checked my e-mail filter and sure enough she was wondering how I was doing and etc. But remember, they're not doing it for you (albeit everyone is different)

You should thank the stars that you got out when you did!