Should I file a restraining order, or do nothing?

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At what point does one actually proceed with requesting this? I have done the research online for my home state and feel that I most likely have enough to proceed with the technicalities, if and when I decide to go this route.

I left the ex in July, 2013 and tried to maintain some sort of friendship several months later, which did not work. The ex saw me on a dating site about a year ago (after "encouraging" me to date others), which prompted a series of very nasty emails from her. Last July, I emailed her and very firmly stated that I do not want any further contact from her at all, and if she persists, I will contact the authorities. She said she would leave me alone, then intermittently would send emails, nasty in tone for quite some time, then changing the tone to nice and would love to see me. I have not responded, and my last contact was that last email requesting no contact.

At one point, I had blocked emails for a few months (she would not know if I were receiving them or not). I lifted the block the first of the year to check her "tone", received a few more emails (nasty, then nice again). She had lived over an hour away, then she informed me in March that she would be working part time in my home town.

I began dating someone in March (a gentleman, who treats me with respect and is emotionally mature), and we are taking things slow. I have not shared with him any details about my last relationship. About a month ago, the ex emailed to let me know she was now working full time in my hometown, was selling her house out of town, and building a new one in another town nearby me. On June 7, she called (left no message) twice on the same day, which also happened to be the first time my gentleman friend spent the night. I then received a birthday card from the ex a few days later, along with a gift card from a restaurant we used to visit together, with an invite to have dinner with her. I then received an email from the ex on my birthday last week, stating she loved and missed me.

I saw my counselor a couple of days ago and will go as needed. She did suggest that I tell my gentleman about the ex, but just state that she used to be a good friend and had been contacting me, and I was letting him know in case we ran into her when we were out so he wasn't caught off card by this unstable person. I did share this with him on Saturday as casually as possible, and that went fine.

So, if the ex "runs into me" or shows up at my door, then what? Obviously I won't let her in. Do I wait until that happens, then call the police, then filing a restraining order? My counselor and I both feel that she probably has done at least a little stalking. At first, the counselor suggested that I just start blocking her again. I would love to do that, but am reluctant right now in case I need evidence. Needless to say, I'm definitely concerned about her being much closer in proximity to my back door. Or, should I send one more email stating that I will file the restraining order if she contacts me again?

[Janewhi]

At what point does one actually proceed with requesting this? I have done the research online for my home state and feel that I most likely have enough to proceed with the technicalities, if and when I decide to go this route.

I left the ex in July, 2013 and tried to maintain some sort of friendship several months later, which did not work. The ex saw me on a dating site about a year ago (after "encouraging" me to date others), which prompted a series of very nasty emails from her. Last July, I emailed her and very firmly stated that I do not want any further contact from her at all, and if she persists, I will contact the authorities. She said she would leave me alone, then intermittently would send emails, nasty in tone for quite some time, then changing the tone to nice and would love to see me. I have not responded, and my last contact was that last email requesting no contact.

At one point, I had blocked emails for a few months (she would not know if I were receiving them or not). I lifted the block the first of the year to check her "tone", received a few more emails (nasty, then nice again). She had lived over an hour away, then she informed me in March that she would be working part time in my home town.

I began dating someone in March (a gentleman, who treats me with respect and is emotionally mature), and we are taking things slow. I have not shared with him any details about my last relationship. About a month ago, the ex emailed to let me know she was now working full time in my hometown, was selling her house out of town, and building a new one in another town nearby me. On June 7, she called (left no message) twice on the same day, which also happened to be the first time my gentleman friend spent the night. I then received a birthday card from the ex a few days later, along with a gift card from a restaurant we used to visit together, with an invite to have dinner with her. I then received an email from the ex on my birthday last week, stating she loved and missed me.

I saw my counselor a couple of days ago and will go as needed. She did suggest that I tell my gentleman about the ex, but just state that she used to be a good friend and had been contacting me, and I was letting him know in case we ran into her when we were out so he wasn't caught off card by this unstable person. I did share this with him on Saturday as casually as possible, and that went fine.

So, if the ex "runs into me" or shows up at my door, then what? Obviously I won't let her in. Do I wait until that happens, then call the police, then filing a restraining order? My counselor and I both feel that she probably has done at least a little stalking. At first, the counselor suggested that I just start blocking her again. I would love to do that, but am reluctant right now in case I need evidence. Needless to say, I'm definitely concerned about her being much closer in proximity to my back door. Or, should I send one more email stating that I will file the restraining order if she contacts me again?

[ForeverDad]

You may want to consider taking it in steps.  First, next time she makes contact, ask her not to contact you ever again, be firm, don't leave an opening for 'sometimes'.  Or if you don't want to wait you could respond to her latest contact and tell her to stop.  Second, maybe a letter from a lawyer might have an impact that you alone saying No didn't accomplish.  Third, seek a no contact order or equivalent from the court.  Be aware that court ignores older incidents as 'stale' and not 'actionable', except to demonstrate a pattern of behavior.  So if she does something that you consider is actionable, don't wait too long to seek a remedy.

[livednlearned]

Hi Janewhi,

I agree with FD to take it in steps.

We often want strong boundaries from the legal system when our own boundaries are not rock solid. It's best, if you can, to get your personal boundaries as firm as possible.

I found the chapter in "Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker to be particularly useful when trying to decide whether to file an RO. He feels that ROs can create worse behaviors in some people, and that they only work with people who have regard for authority. However, if she does do something that frightens you, and you begin to see that she is stalking you or interfering with your relationship, the RO may be an important legal tactic so if things escalate, the court sees that you are genuinely concerned about your safety.

The other issue is that the first line of defense with an RO is you. For example, if she violates the RO by writing you an email, you will have to contact law enforcement. That's why it's important to make sure you have your personal boundaries in place first. If you think you won't be able to alert law enforcement when your ex violates the RO, then the RO will not be effective. It might even send her the message that you won't enforce your own boundaries, even with an RO in place.

[momtara]

I wonder if there are other options like a no contact order? I guess it depends on the state and of course, if you are scared.

[Janewhi]

Thanks for the replies. Yesterday I sent the ex this email:

"I cannot accept your gift card and can mail it to you if you would like it returned. If so, I need your address where to mail it.

Per the email I sent to you below last July, nothing has changed and I do not want further contact with you. Please stop contacting me, except with an address to return the gift card if it should be returned.

I wish you well and truly do not want to have to take this request any further."

The email I sent to her last July (after a series of especially nasty emails from her) and copied to my email yesterday:

"Stop  this. Your emails are menacing, threatening and completely unacceptable.  I do not want further contact from you, including email, phone, text, social media, in person, or  any other form of contact.I do not want to be have to take this request any further. If you persist, I

will take further action with local authorities."

Within the hour, she sent this:

"Sorry, I had a dream and (her deceased sister) asked me to reach out to you one last time. I see it was just a dream. You can just mail it to my old address. I wish you well". She sent a follow up email with her old address, which of course I know. She did not offer her new address, which I found interesting.

I did research the no contact order option online, and it appears this just applies if there is a minor involved (which there is not). I think I will still keep looking over my shoulder and be hyper alert for a while. I wish I could believe that will be the end of it, but fingers are crossed. I have zero desire to ever get together, but I need a solid long period of time (preferably forever) without contact. I would just start feeling like myself again and relax, then would hear from her again, feel like the scab of healing had been yanked off again and be worried what she would do.

[Thunderstruck]

First of all, if her contacting you is bothering you then block her. Just block her. There is no reason for her to be unblocked. What it's doing is keeping you engaged in her drama. This doesn't even need to be happening.

What she's doing is fishing. You're probably not even the only ex she's contacting. She is looking for someone to bring into her drama machine, probably to triangulate with her new partner and make them jealous.

You've already told her to stop contacting you. She is going to ignore your boundary. So block her. Have any mail she sends be "returned to sender" unopened. Just don't go there anymore.

If she shows up at your place, inform her that she is tresspassing and call the police. They show up and tell her that she is tresspassing. Then the next time she shows up at your place, you can call the police and have her arrested (at least that is the procedure where I live).

If you "bump into" her in public, record the encounter. She may try to instigate a fight or make false claims later. In the very least try to keep your distance.

The next step to elevate the situation, if blocking her is unsuccessful and she continues to increase contact, is to ask a L to send a "Cease and Desist" letter to ask her to stop contacting you.

It would be very difficult to get a restraining order without threats of physical violence. While stalking and harassment are usually included in laws, they aren't typically actionable unless there is harm or threats of harm.

[livednlearned]

We have a thread on the site about writing BIFF emails in response to hostile communication that might be useful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.msg1309197#msg1309197

It comes from Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy (co-authored by Randi Kreger)

[Janewhi]

After emailing her on 6/23 (see my prior reply) with my second firm request to stop contacting me, she replied twice with an address to return the gift card. The second reply listed another address (I checked and verified it's a friend of hers) to return the card. I hadn't heard again from her until 8/20 (her birthday):

"Hi, hope you are well. I am having a good bday. Would be a lot better if I heard from you. Take care,

(exBPD)"

Now what, anything? I will add that I don't know exactly where she is living now. I know she was building a home in a nearby town, but I don't have the address or a move-in date. I do know where she works and have the friends' address, where she is probably staying if the new home isn't done yet.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Whether you decide to pursue the RO or not (or some other legal intervention), your response from here on out is NO RESPONSE.  No matter what you do not respond to her.  My ex has contacted me approx 500 times in the last 8 months.  He has been very threatening (suicide, my reputation, my kids etc.)  I have at times been very scared.  I feel less scared now but am still very aware and cautious. 

I do not respond.  Some day he will stop (read elsewhere that the average is 18-24 months).  Like livednlearned, I took my strategy straight from the de Becker book, The Gift of Fear.  I would highly encourage you to get it.  That book kept me sane and focused and committed.  de Becker says the typical response is to "engage and enrage" when "waiting and watching" is ultimately often more effective.  I spoke with the former head of Public Saftey in my county who agreed that pursuing a RO can often ignite (bad) things that might not have otherwise happened.

Their professional bias coincides with my personal bias that I don't want to give my ex the satisfaction of seeing me even remotely affected by him.  He came to my house recently and I did nothing.  I didn't answer the door, didn't call the cops, didn't tell him to leave.  I just sat quietly awaiting his departure.  In fact, I will be asking the boards for advice on what the "most indifferent" response looks like were I to encounter him in person.  I want to give him NOTHING.  No fear, no anger, no outrage, no frustration.  Absolutely nothing. 

I just IGNORE. 

That said, do keep a record of all contact (type/date/what was said) from her.  My list is long but I have it were I to need it.  And my sisters have a copy of it were they to need it.  Heaven forbid.

[Janewhi]

Thanks, Reclaiming. I totally agree with no reply, and I have read (and am currently re-reading) the same information you referenced in the Gift of Fear.

My fear of filing the RO is what the retaliation will be. I feel confident there will be something, at minimum an RO filed against me, which would be unfounded), and I wonder if I would be making matters worst or better for myself. I have not seen or have spoken with her in 15 months. My only contact has been two emails, the first in July, 2014 and the second this June, both stating I do not want further contact. I have saved every email exchange since I left the relationship in July, 2013.

I feel fairly confident she has no prior criminal history or record. Her anger and vengeance (verbal attacks to me and painting me black to my friends have been the extent thus far) are what scare me. I feel if she feels strongly provoked, anything could be possible.

[ForeverDad]

I had been married for a dozen years, then we had a boy.  I was hoping having a child would make her happy or even fix her, instead it just made things much more complicated.  Finally I called 911 and she ended up getting arrested for Threat of DV.  While I knew that the marriage was imploding, raising the conflict to the legal level definitely didn't soften her view of me.

What I'm saying is that you want to take the least level of action necessary.  You don't want to needlessly trigger her into an overreaction.  Not responding to her contact attempts is the preferred option.  Yes, you may have to go to the next step and use a lawyer to ask her to stop contacting you.  If that doesn't work then taking the legal route may be the alternative.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Janewhi, so glad you have the de Becker book.  Many of the other books I consulted on stalking felt like one horror story after the next which did not feel helpful at all.  While de Becker certainly articulates some dreadful stories, I found his book much more helpful and encouraging in a very practical way.  My sister and father read it too so they understood my choices and supported those choices.   

Personally, I think it is great reading across the board for everyone.  His guidelines on dating are great and something I will be using as I go down that path.  Trusting that will help lead me to better picking in the future