New here, Suspect husband has BPD

[rsychk05]

I'm so relieved to have found a site to discuss this and learn from others.

A brief intro: My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, together for 5. We have two children, (almost) 3 and 1.5. I started going to therapy 2-3 months ago for myself for a number of reasons including my struggles with our relationship. My husband has just recently come around to the idea of therapy for himself and when I asked my Psychologist for recommendations, he gave me the information for a DBT group.

I did research on my own about the therapy and what it was for and stumbled onto a page for BPD. It fits him incredibly well, all of the signs. He loves me, then hates me; everyday he makes me feel as though I'm letting him down even though I'm always trying my best; in the last 6 months he has started having intense bouts of anger where he throws things and calls me names; he talks about suicide on a somewhat regular basis; he doesn't work and hates to leave the house from anxiety; he often talks about how empty and alone he feels; he has quit a number of jobs and we struggle financially.

We have talked about separating a few times and I feel increasingly like it is the right choice for myself and my children. He desperately does not want to, even though he frequently mentions how cold, distant, and uncaring I am and how unhappy I make him. My self-esteem is shot, I feel constant guilt, and I genuinely can't handle any more of the emotional abuse. Since separating has come up, he is putting in more effort and trying to control his anger more. I appreciate his efforts, but I am also waiting for the next phase of the cycle. After reading about BPD, part of me feels that his behavior is not his fault and I should stay with him to help him through this. The other part of me knows how reluctant he is to go get any help, it took multiple talks about separating before he agreed and even now he admits he is only going because I'm making him. I know you cannot change someone else and I don't know that he is interested in doing the work to change.

I am struggling a lot with wanting (and maybe feeling obligated) to stay and help him and feeling like separating is the only way to really get myself in a healthy place again. Are there others who struggle with the decision to stay or go? Does anyone else have a partner with BPD and small children? How do you find the strength?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Graceinaction]

I'm right there with you on most of it. I'm pretty determined to stay, but my husband is the one that leaves over and over. In the beginning I would beg him to stay as I was very confused as to why he was leaving. Now when he leaves I pretty much try to continue on.

Having small children does make it harder. I often ask myself if they are better off seeing and hearing the things I am unable to protect them from, or if it would be better for them if they had divorced parents. I think that is a very hard question to find an answer to, and a lot of it depends on the kids themselves, and the ability of the parents to work together. My husband is not interested in getting help at all (right now, he changes his mind sometimes, imagine that!) but I have noticed pretty big differences in him just by me changing my reactions. That gives me hope that we can get through this as a family. I'm very honest with my kids, on their level. I don't want them growing up thinking his behavior is normal whether we stay together or not.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm new to this myself. BTW- we've been married 8 years and I'm just now figuring out that I'm not completely crazy as he would like me to believe. So you're ahead of the game already!

Your husband's inability to work would be a problem for me, but that doesn't mean it's a problem for you. How does he do taking care of the house and the kids? Are you responsible for all of it?

[LilMe]

Welcome!  You have come to the right place for knowledge and support.  The lessons to the right of this page are really helpful.  It takes time and practice, but keep at it and it will get better.

I have 9 children, but most of them are grown.  Our 3 together and still at home are 10 mos., 6, and 7.  It is very hard to protect them!  Actually, that is why I am still with him.  The children do not want to be alone with their father because they are afraid of his rages.  We separated for a while, but he got joint custody and they hated being alone with him so I came back.  He is an excellent father most of the time.  I have been going over the lessons often!  Things are better.  His rages are much less often and less intense.  I gently and kindly remind him how it is hurting the children and most of the time he takes a time out and calms down.  It is all definitely a work in progress.