Should I Reach Out? My head is spinning...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had a tumultuous relationship with my ex.  She was never officially diagnosed with BPD, but my therapist went through everything with me and said she is Borderline.  It wa constant chaos combined with what I believe to be drug abuse.  It would end every few days/weeks, but she would always come back.

During our last interaction, we were in the middle of a text conversation, so I decided to call her.  She wouldn't take my calls, which seemed strange to me, as she claims to love me more than anything and that she claimed to want to spend the rest of her life with me.  Being that we live about 30 seconds from each other, I stopped by her apartment.  She would not answer the door.  This went on for two and a half hours, before she finally sent me a text saying "whats up."  Mind you, this is a girl who the day before madly was professing her love for me.

She called me that night, and me being very upset and hurt, did not call back for four days.  When I finally did call back, she did not answer and then sent me a very long in depth break up text.  I called her immediately because I felt a break up text is disrespectful if you truly love someone.  Again she would not take my calls.  She then called four hours latter again professing her love for me and claiming all she wants is to be with me.

At this point, my head is spinning.  We ended our conversation with her saying all she wants is me and the ball is in my court.  I told her I loved her and lets talk tomorrow.

She called the next day, and I was just broken at that point.  I never returned her call, and I have not heard from her since.

I know trying to walk away from her is the right thing to do for me, but it is killing me.  It has been 5 weeks, and I have not heard a word from her.  In the past, she would always resurface by now.

Do I reach out... .?

[bjm]

I had a tumultuous relationship with my ex.  She was never officially diagnosed with BPD, but my therapist went through everything with me and said she is Borderline.  It wa constant chaos combined with what I believe to be drug abuse.  It would end every few days/weeks, but she would always come back.

During our last interaction, we were in the middle of a text conversation, so I decided to call her.  She wouldn't take my calls, which seemed strange to me, as she claims to love me more than anything and that she claimed to want to spend the rest of her life with me.  Being that we live about 30 seconds from each other, I stopped by her apartment.  She would not answer the door.  This went on for two and a half hours, before she finally sent me a text saying "whats up."  Mind you, this is a girl who the day before madly was professing her love for me.

She called me that night, and me being very upset and hurt, did not call back for four days.  When I finally did call back, she did not answer and then sent me a very long in depth break up text.  I called her immediately because I felt a break up text is disrespectful if you truly love someone.  Again she would not take my calls.  She then called four hours latter again professing her love for me and claiming all she wants is to be with me.

At this point, my head is spinning.  We ended our conversation with her saying all she wants is me and the ball is in my court.  I told her I loved her and lets talk tomorrow.

She called the next day, and I was just broken at that point.  I never returned her call, and I have not heard from her since.

I know trying to walk away from her is the right thing to do for me, but it is killing me.  It has been 5 weeks, and I have not heard a word from her.  In the past, she would always resurface by now.

Do I reach out... .?

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this... .it must be awfully confusing for you. I know that it would be for me!

It sounds to me as if while part of her is thinking very rationally about you and your relationship, there there is an irrational voice that is preventing her to communicate with you normally and work out and problems. For one reason or the next, you may have become a trigger to her where the idea of speaking with you or seeing you are evoking emotions that she is having a difficult time dealing with and hence, the mismatch with statements and deeds.

You have a little bit of a lose/lose situation unfortunately: contacting her might evoke more 'push' type of reaction which may have the net opposite effect that you wish. Not contacting her at all might evoke a 'confirmation' of her strong suspicion of the abandonment that pwBPD fear the most.

Its only a suggestion and there might be other approaches but I might send her a very short non emotional email or text telling her that while you are still committed to the relationship, that you wish to respect her boundaries and allow her as much time and space as she needs to proceed. At that point, you have few other cards to play but to go no contact until she actually does reach out.

[bjm]

I really appreciate your response.

I actually disappeared on here, and would have thought that if she truly loved me she would reach out and apologize for all her wrongdoings.

Do you think going no contact is the best plan of action? 

Why would contacting her cause a push push?

Does her not reaching out just prove she doesnt care at all?

[Lucky Jim]

I had a tumultuous relationship with my ex.  She was never officially diagnosed with BPD, but my therapist went through everything with me and said she is Borderline.  It wa constant chaos combined with what I believe to be drug abuse.  It would end every few days/weeks, but she would always come back.

Hey bjm, it sounds like you are still hoping that she will come back and presumably are open to a recycle.  What makes you think things will go differently next time?  If a friend came to you with the above description, what would you advise?  Do you see it as a red flag ?   

LuckyJim

[bjm]

No I know the recycle will be the same thing.  We have already done it almost a dozen times in 6  months.  I guess I just cant figure out why I miss her so much... .

[JRT]

I really appreciate your response.

I actually disappeared on here, and would have thought that if she truly loved me she would reach out and apologize for all her wrongdoings.

Do you think going no contact is the best plan of action?  Yes... .clearly, you communication with her is evoking strange reactions. There is nothing that would make me believe that if you contacted her again that anything would be different. You appear to be trigger this odd set of reactions. With BPD's, though they love us and care immensely, the emotions that they have developed for us become too intense for them to handle and strange reactions, often times anger, result. But it you go this route, I would personally make certain that you communicate with her in writing.

Why would contacting her cause a push push? That is the nature of the disorder. You reaching out will serve to push her further away.

Does her not reaching out just prove she doesnt care at all? no. Her shame that is part of the basis for BPD may be holding her back. There might be other factors as well but you really need to follow your instinct on this. If you are convinced that she loved you during your r/s, what would cause her to suddenly and abruptly cause her to not care? Mine moved in and 3 weeks later disappeared and broke up by text. There was not even so much as a disagreement beforehand. This is how BPD sometimes works.

[bjm]

What did you do when she moved out?

Why would you only contact by writing?

What is she shameful of?  Is this why I havent heard from her?

[JRT]

What did you do when she moved out? I was out of town on business. She notified me via text and that was that. She then blocked me from contact. I have not spoken with her since - that was 8 months ago.

Why would you only contact by writing? Because I think that voice contact or in person is too personal. I think that it would be less likely to trigger her if you sent a message.

What is she shameful of?  Is this why I havent heard from her? BPD's have very low self esteem. They think that they are inadequate and unworthy of being loved among other things. There is much in the way written about this here. Let me know if you need me to point you in the right direction for more info. It is also likely that she has split you and painted you black. This is a coping mechanism for BPD's, primitive as it is. In this manner, they consider you all bad (you are either all bad or all bad or white). Since you are all bad, you are the butt of their anger and derision. There is no need to communicate since you are now entirely black. Mine called the police when I called her on xmas eve! This from a person who I didn't so much as have an argument with.

[bjm]

Its just amazing to me that they can go from so much in love to black and making us the enemy.  How does one deal with that?  Does that mean it never really was love?

[Lucky Jim]

No I know the recycle will be the same thing.  We have already done it almost a dozen times in 6  months.  I guess I just cant figure out why I miss her so much... .

Hey bjm, As others have noted, a BPD r/s is like an addiction: we know its bad for us but we still want to do it, which may explain why you miss her so much.  I suggest you look before you leap back into the BPD Black Hole.  You can lose a lot in that toxic soup, as I can attest.  Nearly destroyed myself emotionally, physically and financially.  Proceed w/caution, my friend. 

LuckyJim

[bjm]

I just cant understand how they are ok with it being over... .

[problemsolver]

What did you do when she moved out?

Why would you only contact by writing?

What is she shameful of?  Is this why I havent heard from her?

... For what I've learned from my own r/s and from what others have posted you reaching out could have major consequences ex... Police calls , restraining orders... These people do not play around when they want you gone your gone. You have to think logically... As bad as I want to reach out to my BPDex... She could easily spin it on me and say " I thought I told you to leave me alone blah blah" even if you have good intentions be careful.

[JRT]

I just cant understand how they are ok with it being over... .

Its really not that cut and dry even though it might  appear this way and others might even swear it to be the case. From the research that I have done, most of them are horrified at their behavior and hate themselves for pushing out the thing that was the most important to them. Many swear to their ex's that this is the case, that they have never been happier and often parade their new life, often with a replacement immediately for all to see (especially you). Some become engaged within days or a few weeks and even get married. Most of these arrangements seem to not work out very well. Its all part of a ruse that they are trying to convince themselves of... .

[patientandclear]

It makes complete sense that you were confused and torn up about her not taking your calls or responding when you went to her place. She was probably "just" dysregulated and needed some time--but if you're not a BPD expert that's not how you'd interpret it. When she did respond, you went silent. That happened twice per your story ... .When she texted "what's up?" And the time you said you'd talk the next day and then did not call her back. By that point your own hurt and fears were causing you to engage in push pull behavior, which feels scary when you're on the receiving end even if you don't have BPD, as we all know. For someone with BPD with extreme abandonment and rejection fears, it would be super tough.

In one way or another we all did things, innocently, doing our best, that triggered our BPD partners. Their responses are not due to lack of caring. It's very very hard not to respond to BPD behaviors in a way that doesn't further trigger their push reactions. I'm just flagging your own push behavior in case it helps you see that she didn't just forget you or care too little. It's more complex and tied to some deep instinctive reactions.

This stuff is super hard. I'm sorry you're hurting. Everyone here has been there ... .

[bjm]

You mentioned that if you are to reach out, to do so in writing... .what would you recommend?

[JRT]

You mentioned that if you are to reach out, to do so in writing... .what would you recommend?

I am contemplating this as well and I can tell you that its something that has been difficult... .its like you get one shot and one shot only and it has to be perfect... .

I guess that message needs to consider a specific outcome. What are you trying to accomplish? In your case, I think (and there might be more to it), you want to communicate that you are still there and have not been rejected by you, and that you want to give her space to think things through and collect herself. So:

'I know you really need space and I respect that. I'm here if you need anything'

No emotional statements... .no pleas... .no demands or hints of any outcome... .no assignment of blame or guilt... .plain Jane and simple.

Keep in mind, given what little I know about your situation this is what I would personally do.

[bjm]

It makes complete sense that you were confused and torn up about her not taking your calls or responding when you went to her place. She was probably "just" dysregulated and needed some time--but if you're not a BPD expert that's not how you'd interpret it. When she did respond, you went silent. That happened twice per your story ... .When she texted "what's up?" And the time you said you'd talk the next day and then did not call her back. By that point your own hurt and fears were causing you to engage in push pull behavior, which feels scary when you're on the receiving end even if you don't have BPD, as we all know. For someone with BPD with extreme abandonment and rejection fears, it would be super tough.

In one way or another we all did things, innocently, doing our best, that triggered our BPD partners. Their responses are not due to lack of caring. It's very very hard not to respond to BPD behaviors in a way that doesn't further trigger their push reactions. I'm just flagging your own push behavior in case it helps you see that she didn't just forget you or care too little. It's more complex and tied to some deep instinctive reactions.

This stuff is super hard. I'm sorry you're hurting. Everyone here has been there ... .

So you are saying she feels as if I left her and abandoned her even though her actions were absolutely horrible?

[bjm]

You mentioned that if you are to reach out, to do so in writing... .what would you recommend?

I am contemplating this as well and I can tell you that its something that has been difficult... .its like you get one shot and one shot only and it has to be perfect... .

I guess that message needs to consider a specific outcome. What are you trying to accomplish? In your case, I think (and there might be more to it), you want to communicate that you are still there and have not been rejected by you, and that you want to give her space to think things through and collect herself. So:

'I know you really need space and I respect that. I'm here if you need anything'

No emotional statements... .no pleas... .no demands or hints of any outcome... .no assignment of blame or guilt... .plain Jane and simple.

Keep in mind, given what little I know about your situation this is what I would personally do.

  Do you think it is best to continue with n/c

[rotiroti]

You mentioned that if you are to reach out, to do so in writing... .what would you recommend?

I am contemplating this as well and I can tell you that its something that has been difficult... .its like you get one shot and one shot only and it has to be perfect... .

I guess that message needs to consider a specific outcome. What are you trying to accomplish? In your case, I think (and there might be more to it), you want to communicate that you are still there and have not been rejected by you, and that you want to give her space to think things through and collect herself. So:

'I know you really need space and I respect that. I'm here if you need anything'

No emotional statements... .no pleas... .no demands or hints of any outcome... .no assignment of blame or guilt... .plain Jane and simple.

Keep in mind, given what little I know about your situation this is what I would personally do.

  Do you think it is best to continue with n/c

What would you like to do with breaking n/c? I would prepare for ANY possible outcome. If your ex takes this opportunity as an opening salvo and tear into you, will you be ready? What if she wants to recycle?

[JRT]

You mentioned that if you are to reach out, to do so in writing... .what would you recommend?

I am contemplating this as well and I can tell you that its something that has been difficult... .its like you get one shot and one shot only and it has to be perfect... .

I guess that message needs to consider a specific outcome. What are you trying to accomplish? In your case, I think (and there might be more to it), you want to communicate that you are still there and have not been rejected by you, and that you want to give her space to think things through and collect herself. So:

'I know you really need space and I respect that. I'm here if you need anything'

No emotional statements... .no pleas... .no demands or hints of any outcome... .no assignment of blame or guilt... .plain Jane and simple.

Keep in mind, given what little I know about your situation this is what I would personally do.

  Do you think it is best to continue with n/c

It sounds crazy and well... .it sort of is. Her thinking is disordered. So you have heard of the book 'I hate you, don't leave me'? The title pretty much sums the competing thoughts and behaviors up. This is hardy logical even though we all wish it was. This is what you are dealing with... .

Yes, after communicating that you are still there and have not abandoned her, I would go NC... .you have no other cards to play. Sorry... .

[apollotech]

I guess I just cant figure out why I miss her so much... .

bjm,

I would examine this more closely: is it her that you miss or the relationship? Grieving the loss of the relationship is healthy. Grieving the loss of someone that mistreated you is unhealthy.