Frustrated

[going places]

I am pissed. Pissed at myself.

2 days ago, what started out as an email to the ex (thought I was being helpful) about some medical bills, turned into a hot ugly mess.

He knows how to push my buttons.

I HATE it when he accuses me of something I didn't do ( I am sure this is deep seated mommy issues )

HE KNOWS this is a HUGE button for me... .

And anything that involves the kids, makes me go all Wolverine.

SO combine 'accusing me of something I didn't do WITH the kids?"

Well I took the bait, and went from 'helpful, to hot mess' in 2 emails.

Damn it.

I need coping skills.

I need to let crap like that go, ESPECIALLY when he says it, because he says it to intentionally hurt me.

Is there a book, or something out there where I can learn / teach myself, how to cope, deal, get past this once and for all... .

[ReclaimingMyLife]

going places,  I hear you!  I just started a DBT workbook on anxiety and depression today (by Thomas Marra).   I am not sure if either of those even fit me,  but I wanted to a DBT self-study and a friend loaned this one to me.   So far,  I am quite impressed.   I know DBT has had good success helping pwBPD but also seems like really great life-skills for EVERYONE .   I also ordered a different workbook for teens for my kid.   

I also found an online course/group with a sliding scale ($97-197/mo) which is run by a woman who no longer meets the BPD criteria:  www.emotionallysensitive.com.  Looks interesting.

There is also www.dbtselfhelp.com which has lessons for free.   I should have learned this a LONG time ago!

My goal is to not get hooked... .no matter what my ex does or doesn't do.   We do not have kids so,  unlike you, we do not have to remain in contact.   So,  your challenges are different.   But sounds Iike we both need to work on our reaction.   This may be one good way.

[Suzn]

I need to let crap like that go, because he says it to intentionally hurt me.

Write this down and hang it up if need be but remember it. Make it a mantra. You are letting another human control your emotions. You control your emotions.

Coping skills?

Punch a pillow.

If you need to cry, cry. Let it out to let it go.

Deep breathing... .buy some bubbles, sit and take deep breaths and slowly blow out bubbles. (This is a great trick to teach children how to calm down.)

Become mindful (DBT skill) Sit notice everything around you, feel your body touching the seat below you, wiggle your toes and feel how your shoes feel inside, notice texture of whatever your hand touches, close your eyes feel the air around you, etc... .you get the picture.

Opposite action (DBT skill) If you feel like firing off an email do something different that keeps you from doing something that will come back to harm you.

Talk a brisk walk around the block, this releases endorphins and naturally helps.

There are tons of other ways to cope. Can you think of a few?

(DBT skills are excellent for anyone)

[Mutt]

Hey going places,

I can understand how frustrating that is when we get accusations about the kids with a mentally ill ex partner.

You have great advice so far and I understand you're looking for coping skills. I'd like to ask you what types of communications techniques do you use for writing emails with your ex?

I find if I validate the valid and use SET often my ex won't fire back angry emails and sometimes it won't work if she's emotionally dysregulated. If I try the tools and she's unhinged I'll wait and retry at a later time. If she makes accusations about the kids or anything I try nit to JADE and say things once.

It helps me with communication techniques and identifying when she's dysregulated and I try different approaches or keep my distance and try again at a later time and hopefully she's not dysregulated. It helps me with coping and getting less agitated and frustrated.


I hope that helps.


----Mutt