What to say or do?

[ascaffo]

Its been almost three months since she ended things with me.  She has BPD tied with all other sorts of problems and started out with mixed signals then went to overly cruel and heartless.  And brief conversations via text and has said and done things that were truly horrible. 

within the last month has reached out asking me to unblock her on social media and acknowledged she missed me, couldn't push me out and that she was sorry.  It was the most we spoke since the breakup but for the most part refused to acknowledge anything she did or anything that happened or anything worthy of actually talking about.  And I am terrified of the damage she could do so I didn't poke the bear. 

Then silence for a while followed by my impatient paragraph of trying to get her to figure what she wanted and that what she was doing was killing me but instead of being cruel when I brought up where we were she just ignored it.  She wouldn't talk but just favorite things on twitter and then would randomly say hostile things to which I then reblocked her tonight to which she texted me "I can still see your tweets even if you know I am blocked right?".

I can't describe the hell it has been throughout it all.  This is a brief, brief summary of it all.  I haven't tried to rationalize the things she's done and don't want to leave her because I know I can help her but I don't know what to do or say to get her back.  I have tried it all but I am losing patience, willpower and just overall my faith that she will come around again even though she has done a lot of things to prove it isn't over.  Can someone give me a hint of what to do or what to say

[once removed]

hey ascaffo, im sorry youre going through this. navigating a relationship with a pwBPD can be extremely confusing.

have you had a chance to read through the lessons to the right? this may help stop the bleeding in the mean time:

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

edit: sorry, originally posted the wrong link.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, please read the resources here. All of them.

You think you can help her? So did I. I went back and for a year and a half it looked like I was succeeding - I was thrilled and convinced I felt safe for us to buy two investment properties. The thanks I got for trying to help and sacrificing my happiness for her was my replacement threatening me, waiting for me in my home with a baseball bat (he is a thug and a convicted drug dealer), having false allegations of assault and abuse made against me, a restraining order based on her lies, and now 23 months out... .a new restraining order for following her when I was overseas (twice, actually!). Another thanks I got was her collecting the rent from the two investment houses for 23 months - that's $60,000 a year half of which is mine.

The problem when you leave and go back is that you confirm your weakness for them and two things happen... .

1. They resent you for being so gullible and so miserably weak. Mine actually told me this in the final discard. "Looking after her was the man's responsibility" but after doing that she then says I am not a man so as to inflict maximum damage in the devaluation.

2. They know you are open for another round of abuse and now it gets worse because they add in the "payback" factor to their renewed abuse for you daring to have abandoned them - even if they actually ended it themselves.

I would suggest therapy will help you. Therapy for YOU to question What the heck you are doing to yourself and why you would set yourself up for further hurt and disappointment. You can minimise the damage this woman has done to you by keeping it a this level and not escalating it and start healing or you can waste a few more years of your  life and increase the pain you feel now by a factor of 1,000. The healing time is then much longer than it would be now.

In reality, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT HER that you should sacrifice your happiness for her. Just remember that this is not the first time she finds herself in this situation. The others ran because they were smarter than you and me put together. What do your family and friends think about this? Would they respect you if they knew the full story? Would you respect them if they were in this position? We're usually too messed up to think logically when we're in this state but I can promise it won't always be like this if you run now.

Unfortunately, you are not qualified to help her and you will only feel worse if you pursue it. If you "don't know what to do or say to get her back" then you won't know what to do or say to "help" her. Can you see how feeble you sound? You sound like a nice guy - don't waste your life.

[OnceConfused]

though it might be hard to NOT to respond to her requests/commands or whatever, but the best ways are:

1. use the DELETE KEY, don't even read any notes from her

2. Don't respond. She eventually will go away.

[ascaffo]

Ehh

[once removed]

how are you doing right now, ascaffo?

[ascaffo]

I made the decision to start moving on and abandoning this limbo state. Along with other things going on with work and the fact that I've been hurting other people as a result of the past few months it is just destroying me. And she has given virtually nothing to convince me it hasn't all been in vain. I texted her goodbye she said nothing back although I expected a fake " Idc bye" but nothing. And the sad thing is I feel ashamed... .And I still don't think this is over and she'll say something sometime soon and I'd still go back in a heartbeat. But right now I kinda feel depressed 

[once removed]

hey ascaffo,

i think its understandable you feel depressed, you sound a bit burned out in this situation. i think it might be useful to use this period as some time away, to put some space and distance and clear your head.

[ascaffo]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to say something, and yeah I believe that is the only thing I can do.  I've discovered though my train of thought has shifted.  Before it was anger towards things she would do and just overall fear for her health.  Extremes of both.  But now its overall just shame and I just miss her.  But at least I know these are feelings that are part of normal breakups and something that is much more manageable to work with.  But like I said I don't think this is over in fact no one that I have talked to with experience or knowledge of my situation does either.  But my mental is shifting towards trying to move on.  But as I did say I would go back in a heartbeat almost because I love her and want to be everything I can be for her.

[once removed]

its very normal for your train of thought to shift. it helps to talk, and if you use the boards, you will get a great deal out of them. the situation may not be over, but creating that distance and space will go a long way in helping you decide how to deal with it in the future. whats causing feelings of shame?

this thread may be a very useful tool in anticipating, and dealing with these shifts of thought:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0