Help with kids with BPD spouse

[rob95]

I have posted here before, and while I am not a frequent poster, I love this community.  That you so much for what y'all do, and I can't wait to help other with my experiences.

My BPDw (undiagnosed) and I have an 11YOG, 9YOB and and a 8YOB.  I feel I have started to successfully "manage" my BPDw by understanding my FOG, and using SET.   We still ahve a long way to go, but I am staying in this relationship at this point, and hoping that my wife and I can be the 5% of of these relationships the end up healthy.  But BPDw is not going through any therapy, nor hasn't since we have been married.

My biggest issue is that my 11YOG in starting to get interest in boys.  She also ask a lot of questions of my wife's and mine relationship:

"Why do you make Mommy get so mad all the time"

"Why do you leave for a an hour"

"Why does Mommy say that the only people we can trust are family"

"Why is Mommy offended that I want to be with my friends"

She is a smart girl.  How do I coach her on what our family is going through?  Do I start telling that her Mom is battling with this?  Do I become her confidant and not be a "caregiver" like I am?

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[takingandsending]

Hi rob95.

I am in a similar boat with my S9. From everything that I am reading, we don't want to be our child's confidant but rather a sounding board and support for their questions. That said, knowing about BPD behaviors can help make sense of their world. It would be great if it were possible to do without the labels or stigma of mental illness.

Have you read much on the Co-parenting board? I have been reading a lot more there recently, and they have a lot of good resources for the types of questions and situations that we nonBPD parents find ourselves in. I'd encourage you to post your question there. Lots of parents who are or have gone through it.

[ydrys017]

Interesting - I too have 3 kids: S13, D9, S7 and am facing a similar situation.  My D9 shows definite signs of BPD as well.

For right or wrong, I've decided to address dBPDw's behavior head on with the kids.  Luckily for me, dBPDw mentioned 2x late last year that '... .I have a problem... .' to the kids while she was in a very upset state of mind.  So, when she does something BPD related that really confuses the kids, I mention that time where she stated that she 'has a problem', and correlate her behavior to 'the problem' - without ever mentioning BPD of course. 

I do this mostly with S13 because it affects him most directly right now, and he is very calm, logical and reasonable (like me) and absorbs it well.  I explain what is abnormal, what is normal, and how to deal with dBPDw when I'm not home.  It is heartbreaking.  I take a different approach with D9 who really 'feels' things from dBPDw.  I tell D9 that she is just like the beautiful blue sky, and the bad feelings are like a gray cloud - they come in, dump some rain, make a mess but always move on - never changing the blue sky that is her real true self... .  sometimes it works, other times it's a struggle.  Long term impact?  IDK, but I figure it has to be better than not addressing it all and letting the kids fumble through the tough teenage years guessing, wondering, and trying to figure it out on their own.

[takingandsending]

Hey ydrys017. 

That is a very nice approach you are taking with your D9. From a buddhist view, that is exactly correct. The sky, the sun, all are still present at all times, despite the momentary clouds that obscure them. This is our true nature: luminous clarity and openness/awareness that is obscured by passing thoughts, fears, worries. The same is true of our BPD partners - they possess that same clear, blue sky expanse.

I really appreciate the reminder to see things in this way. Thank you.

[ydrys017]

Buddhist? Really?  I had no idea!  I admit, for me to come up with something that correlates to Buddha cracks me up a little - I was raised fundamentalist!    Life can deal you a strange hand eh?   

[takingandsending]

Oh, yes! Very true. 

[Panda39]

Hi Rob,

There is a good book you might want to check out. The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions by Karyn D. Hall & Melissa Cook.

I also suggest posting on the co-parenting board you are not alone in wanting to know how to help your kids negotiate their mother's issues. 

Here is a link to some information on the co-parenting board (even if some of this focuses on divorced couples many tools can still translate into an intact home) https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Hope this helps give you some ideas.

Panda39