Kids being brianwash into NOT going to or misbehaving in school?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I took uBPD to court today to ask the judge to order us to take the children to remedial Summer School as recommended by the school and the tie-breaker. The kids are significantly behind academically. She didn't show up and lost by default so she was understandably furious.

When she picked up the kids today, she jumped out of her car and told the kids (in my presence) "Yeay, now you get to act out and get kicked out of Summer School... .you do know how to get kick out of Summer School, right?" This happen right in front of me during the pickup. Unfortunately, my recorder didn't catch it, damn.

Anyway, I need tools to help me keep the kids in school and behaving. The little one had a really rough year with a dozen in-school-suspensions, a dozen out-of-school suspensions, and 2 multi-week stints in Alternative School. It's breaking my heart. I honestly don't know what to do in the home front to help them stay in school, behave, and be successful.

Has anyone gone through something similar? HELP!

[trying2coparent]

So, I took uBPD to court today to ask the judge to order us to take the children to remedial Summer School as recommended by the school and the tie-breaker. The kids are significantly behind academically. She didn't show up and lost by default so she was understandably furious.

When she picked up the kids today, she jumped out of her car and told the kids (in my presence) "Yeay, now you get to act out and get kicked out of Summer School... .you do know how to get kick out of Summer School, right?" This happen right in front of me during the pickup. Unfortunately, my recorder didn't catch it, damn.

Anyway, I need tools to help me keep the kids in school and behaving. The little one had a really rough year with a dozen in-school-suspensions, a dozen out-of-school suspensions, and 2 multi-week stints in Alternative School. It's breaking my heart. I honestly don't know what to do in the home front to help them stay in school, behave, and be successful.

Has anyone gone through something similar? HELP!

[bravhart1]

Call your attorney and have him file something. The kids can be interviewed about moms coaching them to misbehave in school. These are the sorts of things that must be dealt with swiftly and surely.

Ask the court for supervised visitation. Bad parenting should not be tolerated.

[scraps66]

I've gone through a little of this, at least ex empowering S10 that his behavior isn't that bad.  Four suspensions in a span of 8 weeks - is pretty bad.  My ex is more covert.  This is blatantly having no regard for what is right for the kids. 

I would file something very quickly while the iron is still hot from the no show.  Bad adult and parenting behaviors in synch.

Let me guess, summer school was not her idea?  That being the case she'll do whatever to sabotage the idea.  The BP parent does not have the emotional capacity to evaluate these situations from the child's perspective and what is good for the child.  That is borderline personality disorder.

[trying2coparent]

Yes, uBPD Mom wanted kids off Summer School, despite the third party tie-breaker and scool recommending it.

My attorney has suggesting asking for an amicus attorney (like a GAL) to evaluate the situation and help establish a new custody.

I spoke to the kids therapist, but I don't think he is being much help. His idea of therapy is painting and praising the kids instead of doing real play therapy. Will try a couple more sessions before looking elsewhere.

[scraps66]

Granted there must be more, but "praise" is one component of a couple that are necessary for a child to have a successful development.  Another is having a "conflict free" environment to prosper within.  This too is a tough one with a BP involved because the mind games they play are invalidating to a child and keep the child in conflict.

I have heard a few praise play therapy.

[livednlearned]

My experience is that unless there are serious changes (unfortunately, thus often involves court), the worrying behaviors in the elementary years only get worse in middle school.

Middle school is its own form of a war zone.   

[Panda39]

My attorney has suggesting asking for an amicus attorney (like a GAL) to evaluate the situation and help establish a new custody.

This sounds like a good idea particularly if your ex is high conflict and if it is financially feasible for you. Many of us see the ex's use the kids as weapons with no regard for what is best for the kids.

My SO's uBPDxw pulled their oldest daughter out of her first year of high school to do "home schooling" online.  This was against the advice of the school principal, school counselor and the wishes of her dad.  So dad was tracking what his daughter was doing which was nothing.  He'd follow up with the ex and it would be a million excuses, the laptop from the school hasn't arrived, the laptop arrived but the cord doesn't work, I'll sit down with her an make sure she does it... .excuse after excuse why their daughter was doing nothing and how she would take care of it.  My SO made the obvious rational offer to have her come to his house and use his computer, nope she'll do it at mom's house... .but didn't.  Even uBPDmom's sister offered to have her niece come to her house and use her computer to do her school work... .nope.  My SO kept the pressure up on his ex but at this time (during their separation) mom had most of the custody so dad didn't have anyway to enforce anything.  As a last resort he even started pushing the on-line school to find his daughter truant to get it in front of a judge but the school year ended.  His daughter missed an entire year of school that would be a 0.0 GPA.   :'(

The next year their daughter seemed to realize that the only person she was hurting by not going to school was herself and there was also by then a CE (custody evaluator) on that scene that I also think put some pressure on mom.  So by 10th grade she was back at school.  She did extra work and managed to graduate on time with the rest of her class.  

The outcome of this was in the final divorce decree dad was given education decision making.

I know it's exhausting and can feel like your banging your head against a wall but keep the pressure on and document the ex's resistance and encouraging the kids to act out etc.  Try and have conversations on this topic via email to get it in writing... .document... .document... .and keep working with the school and teachers I'm sure they want what is best for your kids.  By doing this you will be "armed" so to speak when/if you go back to court.  Always take the high road and always stay focused on what is best for your kids... .that is what the court will be looking for... .who is providing what is in the best interest of the kids.

It sounds like you aren't feeling confident about your kids therapist so maybe it's time to shop around for someone new.  Is there a school counselor that you can talk with that might be able to refer you to someone or maybe the kids Pediatrician can give you a referal.  Look for someone experienced with kids but who also knows about personality disorders so they have a good handle on what is going on.

You can also help them by talking with them about how important their education is, why you want them to go to school and be successful, tell them how smart you know they are and validate their feelings they are under a lot of pressure from their mom and probably sad or mad about their parents splitting up.

Hang in there  

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

One sad truth I discovered is that courts act in months, not days or weeks.  They're reluctant to call one parent obstructive.  Yes, every time I went to court and went through the 15-18 month process, I got improvements in the authority or schedule.

(On second thought, maybe you can seek a temporary order while the overall court process proceeds slowly.)

So do start now, while it may not be resolved by the time the regular school year starts again, even if summer school bombs a little, this is a way to demonstrate to an authority that mother doesn't have the best interests of the children in mind.  In a manner of speaking, her sabotage and obstruction now is part of your case to make life better for the children later, even if the case is delayed for months on end.

In my court experience which started in 2005, the court found in my favor more or less each time but was very careful to sidestep painting my ex badly.  In 2010 when I was seeking custody, and got it, the court's Change of Circumstances decision included a brief reference that one part of her testimony was "not credible", courtspeak for liar.  (She had insisted that she had a right to sabotage my mid-winter vacation notice by saying she wanted her Kwanzaa holiday even though she was "not of Jewish descent".  Yes, she didn't even know what it was really about.)

Then in 2013 when we still had conflict and sabotage and I again tried for majority time, the court listened to the incidents where she yanked my chain over and over, the court finally found that she was "disparaging father in the presence of the child".  Yes, partly it was lawyers and court not presenting or addressing all the conflict to the court before then, but it spanned 2005 to 2013.

This may be a skirmish or battle in the long War for what's best for the children, but this matter of school support may be something the professionals are willing to make a stand on.  The he-said, she-said bickering is largely ignored by the court (adult behaviors) but this schooling issue (parenting issues) may get some substantive improvement in your orders.

[trying2coparent]

Thank you for the replies. The analogy as taking this as a battle, part of a war is spot on. It's taking me time, but I'll keep fighting as much as I can to get the kids educational and medical rights straighten out.

I was forced to withdraw them from Summer School as they've been abscent for 5 consecutive days. I spoke to the school personnel and we were in agreement that it was not fair for the children to go next week when they're with me, then miss out the last week when they're with her. The withdrawal was done due to excessive absences on her time. Her excuse was not having transportation. Ironically, she enrolled the oldest in a summer camp the last week of Summer School. This camp is 5 times farther away from our homes. I am frustrated, but at peace with the withdrawal. It's documented and like someone said it'll come in handy in the future.

The kids go to a family doctor that, ironically specializes in geriatric patients. We lost this in court. I wanted a pediatrician. She wanted her family doctor. In the 6 months since the last court order, I have only seen 2 kids being seen at the office. The rest have been adults. This is a matter I plan to bring up with the Amicus to explain how the kids can be ordered to see a family doctor that is not specialized in pediatrics. The irony of the courts .  This has delayed the mental health services for our youngest. In the span of 3 calendar years, he's been misbehaving at school due to his ADHD, ODD (now suspected mood disorder). He was suspended 25 times last year (in/out of school suspension) and spend 2 periods in alternative school. Don't know why I am writing this. I guess i needed to vent a bit. Anyway, I have a 3rd and 4th psychiatrist lined up to see our kid. I hope she doesn't make a scene again. The first one sided with her and said no meds 2 years ago wanting to wait to see how he does (he now refuses to see us due to parenting conflict). The main conflict, by the way, is her saying the kids are fine when the school and I say otherwise. This past year, the one we were seeing got fed up at the parent conflict that is going on and opted to withdraw once she cancelled an appointment on a legal technicality.

Like George's father said, "serenity now." Gotta keep strong and focus on their well being. I signed up to education.com and will homeschool them while I have them this summer. I hope to help them catch up a bit.