My lessons learned

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I mentioned to some folks on here that I'd post some lessons learned.  It might be too early for that, but I'm hoping perhaps a few of these tidbits could be helpful to someone.

Big caveats: No real estate together, no kids, I have a decent job and some savings, and she had some big college debt and no job.  The marriage is just under three years.  If you have a mortgage, kids, a joint business, your pwBPD is the breadwinner, or you've been married for greater than seven to ten years, then some of this may not apply.  And I am not a lawyer, and I probably don't live in your state.

1. When you decide to divorce, you need to do research.  Figure out what it is that you want, what you're willing to give up, and develop a plan to make that happen.

My priorities were to get her out of the house permanently, get divorced as quickly as possible, not be financially crippled, and be fair to her.  In that order.  (for those that say "be fair to yourself" that is priorities one through three.  She was number four).  I spent a good deal of time on a men's divorce forum, and learned a great deal.  It's best to secretly do research before you drop the D-bomb on them.

Calling local lawyers and getting a free phone consult is a good idea.  Also, you can make an appointment for $250-400/hr and sit down and discuss.  Interview lawyers.  Find one that fits your needs.  If you need a litigator, you don't want someone who is a mediator.  If you want a mediator, you don't want someone who likes to litigate.  My L was a gem.

2. Get Splitting and read it.  Re-read it.  Take notes.

I doubted she engage on a smear campaign.  The stbx truly is a remarkable person with a big heart.  She engaged on a smear campaign with folks from church, my family, and threatened to call my employer (I have a morals clause in the contract). Also learning about the cooperative/uncooperative, not dangerous/dangerous matrix was helpful in making decisions.

3. Be consistent.

This means no wavering.  If you're not 100%, don't bring up divorce.  If you're 100%, don't waver.  Additionally, and this was huge: figure out what your "reason" for divorcing is.  Everyone on the board knows what the real reason is: your partner has BPD (or BPD behaviors) and you can't do it anymore.  That said, probably not the best reason to give them.  My T recommended I focus the blame on the relationship, rather than on her.  This marriage isn't healthy, and I don't have any hope that it will ever be healthy.  Broken record every time they ask.  It's not untrue; it just saves you from endless productive roundabouts regarding every little thing.  My stbx is convinced (or wants to be convinced) that there was or is an affair.  I stopped responding to infidelity questions a few weeks ago, and every time she asked I repeated the same thing, word for word.  She's stopped asking.

4. Be safe.

This goes back to Splitting and the cooperative/dangerous matrix.  From what I've heard, if they've been violent, they'll get violent.  If they've been a blamer/false accuser, they'll accuse you of being on the grassy knoll and killing JFK.  Even if you weren't alive in '63.  Mine had never truly been violent (aside from threats, punching things when I wasn't around, etc... .).  If you're battered or abused physically, BE SAFE.  If you've been accused of things you didn't do, PROTECT YOURSELF. 

- Talk to the cops.  I went to the station once.  I also talked to a few I saw at a coffee shop (of all places).  They gave me some good info.  In this state, you call 9-1-1 and tell them it's not an emergency.  They'll swing by and escort you in the house while you gather your things.  Never had to use it, but wouldn't have hesitated.

- Talk to the family court about a TRO.  Just learn the process.

- Buy a voice recorder. Learn the rules: you need to be in a one-party state.  Google it.  Don't use your phone as a voice recorder.  I've read this on multiple forums.  During a heated argument, they might grab your phone.  Also, the recorder might stop recording if you have to make a call -- so basically, at the moment you're dialing the police, it stops recording -- just when you may need it most.

- The voice recorder is not for petty he said/she said stuff.  It's for keeping you out of jail when you are accused of a crime you didn't commit.  I had mine in my pocket every time we met, but it was unnecessary.  The peace of mind was worth the $30.

Most of the advice in this topic is for those married to blamers/false accusers.  I really can't comment on those in situations where real violence is possible other than to say to the guys with violent BPD wives: Jodi Arias.  Don't think it can't happen to you, especially if she's been violent in the past.

5. Have a therapist.  Especially a therapist who understands PDs.

You're going to need therapy.  This is a message board, and it's a good one, but you need a therapist before, during, and after the divorce process.  A support group of some sort is also good.

6. Inform folks who need to know that you are about to go through the most stressful time of your life.

I told my folks.  I told my brother/sister.  I told my parish priest.  I told my boss.  I told my assistants at work.  I let them all know that I was about to suck at life and was going into survival mode.  The stress was horrible for the last year of the marriage, but it was insanely horrible for the past sixty days.  And our divorce was uncontested.  If there's kids or big money (mortgages) involved, more stressful.

My family was supportive.  My boss has cut me some serious slack the past two months.  My assistants have picked up some of my slack and been very understanding.  Over these next weeks and months as I get my feet back under me I'm going to bust my butt at work.  I've been busting my butt, but my performance has been craptastic recently.  Can't concentrate, don't sleep well, stressed out.  Most folks will understand if you give them the chance.

In fact, my boss has called me at home on weekends to see how I'm doing.  My assistants texted me at home when I took a little bit of vacation time, just to check on me.  My mom mailed me oatmeal cookies.  If I hadn't alerted them to the pending stress, they might have assumed I was a slacker.  Or couldn't cut it.

7. Smear campaigns.  They will happen.

Lies will be spread.  Personal info will be spread.  You are about to become worse than Hitler.  They will look to dig up dirt.

- Change every password, and nuke your browsers so that nothing is stored.  This isn't to delete browsing history... .this is to keep them from accessing e-mail, accessing financial accounts, etc... .Checking the browser history after I moved back in and it looked like someone played junior detective, attempting to access every account I have (couldn't get in, I had new passwords).  Mine tried to get into the phone bill (to find the non-existent girlfriend).  She even texted to ask for the answer to the security question.  She claimed she wanted to save us some money.  Riiiiiiiiiiight... .weeks before we sign divorce paperwork, and she's thinking about changing our data plan on our cell phones.

- To reiterate: nuke the browsers.  I don't know what the actual term is, but delete all cookies, stored passwords, etc... .  I was surprised how many different things I had to log into this past week.  If I hadn't nuked the browser any online account (Amazon, etc... .) could have resulted in a shopping spree.  Lock them out of everything by nuking every browser on your computer.

- Some places will let you deny your pwBPD access.  For example, the cell phone provider set up a pop-up screen.  If Mrs. Gomez Addams goes into the store, it will literally flash on the screen that Mrs. Morticia Addams is not authorized access to the phone bill, the plan, or anything else.  Ever.

- If you're pwBPD is a blamer/accuser, you'll be accused, and they will have CSI-level quality evidence.  It's probably a bluff.  Or a simple misunderstanding.  My personal advice -- and your mileage may vary -- is to keep the denials to once sentence.  It must be horrible to feel that your spouse has been unfaithful; that said, it isn't true.  I still to this day do not know what the ziplock bag of "evidence" is.  Nor do I care.  Because I didn't have an affair.  There's nothing I could have said that would convince her otherwise, so I kept to the broken record.

8. Have a short-term financial plan.

I took $1K out in cash.  I kept that cash in an envelope.  Real handy to have money when I needed to find a room to rent.  I switched my direct deposit to an online bank account.  I paid off my credit cards before dropping the D-bomb on her.  I moved some money from an investment into the online bank.  Basically I built a war chest, in the event I needed to move out, put first month's rent/deposit down, hire movers, hire a defense attorney if charged with a false allegation.  I ended up needing only the $1K, and used the money from the investment to ship her car and her stuff back to her hometown... .but I had money for food, gas, etc... .  Have a short term financial plan.

If you're the bread winner, separate (or be prepared to quickly separate) your finances.  Cancel joint credit cards.  Get a new bank account and change your direct deposit.  Don't get financially drained.  Mine scored about $5k.  Could have been MUCH MUCH worse.

If you're a stay-at-home mom, you need to figure this out.  I really don't have advice, since I'm not in that boat.  One thing I've done over the years (when she was going nuts about me using the debit card) is purchase Amazon or Wal Mart gift cards, or get $20-50 back from the grocery store.  Then I could buy the thing I wanted without it showing up on the bank statement.  Sure, that quart of milk cost $32, but it came with a free gift card!  Now I'm not saying that behavior was healthy, but it saved me from having to justify my Amazon purchases.  I got myself in a horrible situation with financial boundaries.  I made the money, and she gave me an allowance.  And when I want to grab lunch with the guys from work once a month, I'm going to get the 3rd degree... .so on the way to work I'd buy a pack of gum at the grocery store and get $20 in cash.  Not a healthy way to live, but we've all been there.

That said, if I were a stay-at-home mom about to divorce a pwBPD, I'd add a few bucks to every trip to the store for six months.  And stash that cash somewhere safe.  Or better yet, open up a bank account at a different bank.  Or pick up a side job, a few hours a week if you can.  Or borrow some money, and stash it.  Be financially prepared to survive for a month.  Or to be able to pay for that one-hour with a lawyer to get some temp support filed.  Or whatever.  Don't get caught out on the streets with no cash.  And it's better than having to dive into high-interest credit cards (that can be shut off if they're joint) that you'll struggle to make the payments on as you get your bearings.

9. If you're a dad, and you move out, you can't tell the court that you should have full custody because she's dangerous and crazy and full of BPD.

Because you moved out and left your kids with her.  I'm not a dad, and didn't have that issue.  That said, reading tons of divorce forums, the judge will see your argument as a smear campaign.  After all, if she was that dangerous, why did you leave the kid with her?  Feared for your life, but not the kids?  But I'm not a lawyer, and consult a lawyer.

This is super long winded, unedited, and off the top of my head.  If other folks have other thoughts, or disagree, or can elaborate on scenarios that differed from mine, please feel free.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

I mentioned to some folks on here that I'd post some lessons learned.  It might be too early for that, but I'm hoping perhaps a few of these tidbits could be helpful to someone.

Big caveats: No real estate together, no kids, I have a decent job and some savings, and she had some big college debt and no job.  The marriage is just under three years.  If you have a mortgage, kids, a joint business, your pwBPD is the breadwinner, or you've been married for greater than seven to ten years, then some of this may not apply.  And I am not a lawyer, and I probably don't live in your state.

1. When you decide to divorce, you need to do research.  Figure out what it is that you want, what you're willing to give up, and develop a plan to make that happen.

My priorities were to get her out of the house permanently, get divorced as quickly as possible, not be financially crippled, and be fair to her.  In that order.  (for those that say "be fair to yourself" that is priorities one through three.  She was number four).  I spent a good deal of time on a men's divorce forum, and learned a great deal.  It's best to secretly do research before you drop the D-bomb on them.

Calling local lawyers and getting a free phone consult is a good idea.  Also, you can make an appointment for $250-400/hr and sit down and discuss.  Interview lawyers.  Find one that fits your needs.  If you need a litigator, you don't want someone who is a mediator.  If you want a mediator, you don't want someone who likes to litigate.  My L was a gem.

2. Get Splitting and read it.  Re-read it.  Take notes.

I doubted she engage on a smear campaign.  The stbx truly is a remarkable person with a big heart.  She engaged on a smear campaign with folks from church, my family, and threatened to call my employer (I have a morals clause in the contract). Also learning about the cooperative/uncooperative, not dangerous/dangerous matrix was helpful in making decisions.

3. Be consistent.

This means no wavering.  If you're not 100%, don't bring up divorce.  If you're 100%, don't waver.  Additionally, and this was huge: figure out what your "reason" for divorcing is.  Everyone on the board knows what the real reason is: your partner has BPD (or BPD behaviors) and you can't do it anymore.  That said, probably not the best reason to give them.  My T recommended I focus the blame on the relationship, rather than on her.  This marriage isn't healthy, and I don't have any hope that it will ever be healthy.  Broken record every time they ask.  It's not untrue; it just saves you from endless productive roundabouts regarding every little thing.  My stbx is convinced (or wants to be convinced) that there was or is an affair.  I stopped responding to infidelity questions a few weeks ago, and every time she asked I repeated the same thing, word for word.  She's stopped asking.

4. Be safe.

This goes back to Splitting and the cooperative/dangerous matrix.  From what I've heard, if they've been violent, they'll get violent.  If they've been a blamer/false accuser, they'll accuse you of being on the grassy knoll and killing JFK.  Even if you weren't alive in '63.  Mine had never truly been violent (aside from threats, punching things when I wasn't around, etc... .).  If you're battered or abused physically, BE SAFE.  If you've been accused of things you didn't do, PROTECT YOURSELF. 

- Talk to the cops.  I went to the station once.  I also talked to a few I saw at a coffee shop (of all places).  They gave me some good info.  In this state, you call 9-1-1 and tell them it's not an emergency.  They'll swing by and escort you in the house while you gather your things.  Never had to use it, but wouldn't have hesitated.

- Talk to the family court about a TRO.  Just learn the process.

- Buy a voice recorder. Learn the rules: you need to be in a one-party state.  Google it.  Don't use your phone as a voice recorder.  I've read this on multiple forums.  During a heated argument, they might grab your phone.  Also, the recorder might stop recording if you have to make a call -- so basically, at the moment you're dialing the police, it stops recording -- just when you may need it most.

- The voice recorder is not for petty he said/she said stuff.  It's for keeping you out of jail when you are accused of a crime you didn't commit.  I had mine in my pocket every time we met, but it was unnecessary.  The peace of mind was worth the $30.

Most of the advice in this topic is for those married to blamers/false accusers.  I really can't comment on those in situations where real violence is possible other than to say to the guys with violent BPD wives: Jodi Arias.  Don't think it can't happen to you, especially if she's been violent in the past.

5. Have a therapist.  Especially a therapist who understands PDs.

You're going to need therapy.  This is a message board, and it's a good one, but you need a therapist before, during, and after the divorce process.  A support group of some sort is also good.

6. Inform folks who need to know that you are about to go through the most stressful time of your life.

I told my folks.  I told my brother/sister.  I told my parish priest.  I told my boss.  I told my assistants at work.  I let them all know that I was about to suck at life and was going into survival mode.  The stress was horrible for the last year of the marriage, but it was insanely horrible for the past sixty days.  And our divorce was uncontested.  If there's kids or big money (mortgages) involved, more stressful.

My family was supportive.  My boss has cut me some serious slack the past two months.  My assistants have picked up some of my slack and been very understanding.  Over these next weeks and months as I get my feet back under me I'm going to bust my butt at work.  I've been busting my butt, but my performance has been craptastic recently.  Can't concentrate, don't sleep well, stressed out.  Most folks will understand if you give them the chance.

In fact, my boss has called me at home on weekends to see how I'm doing.  My assistants texted me at home when I took a little bit of vacation time, just to check on me.  My mom mailed me oatmeal cookies.  If I hadn't alerted them to the pending stress, they might have assumed I was a slacker.  Or couldn't cut it.

7. Smear campaigns.  They will happen.

Lies will be spread.  Personal info will be spread.  You are about to become worse than Hitler.  They will look to dig up dirt.

- Change every password, and nuke your browsers so that nothing is stored.  This isn't to delete browsing history... .this is to keep them from accessing e-mail, accessing financial accounts, etc... .Checking the browser history after I moved back in and it looked like someone played junior detective, attempting to access every account I have (couldn't get in, I had new passwords).  Mine tried to get into the phone bill (to find the non-existent girlfriend).  She even texted to ask for the answer to the security question.  She claimed she wanted to save us some money.  Riiiiiiiiiiight... .weeks before we sign divorce paperwork, and she's thinking about changing our data plan on our cell phones.

- To reiterate: nuke the browsers.  I don't know what the actual term is, but delete all cookies, stored passwords, etc... .  I was surprised how many different things I had to log into this past week.  If I hadn't nuked the browser any online account (Amazon, etc... .) could have resulted in a shopping spree.  Lock them out of everything by nuking every browser on your computer.

- Some places will let you deny your pwBPD access.  For example, the cell phone provider set up a pop-up screen.  If Mrs. Gomez Addams goes into the store, it will literally flash on the screen that Mrs. Morticia Addams is not authorized access to the phone bill, the plan, or anything else.  Ever.

- If you're pwBPD is a blamer/accuser, you'll be accused, and they will have CSI-level quality evidence.  It's probably a bluff.  Or a simple misunderstanding.  My personal advice -- and your mileage may vary -- is to keep the denials to once sentence.  It must be horrible to feel that your spouse has been unfaithful; that said, it isn't true.  I still to this day do not know what the ziplock bag of "evidence" is.  Nor do I care.  Because I didn't have an affair.  There's nothing I could have said that would convince her otherwise, so I kept to the broken record.

8. Have a short-term financial plan.

I took $1K out in cash.  I kept that cash in an envelope.  Real handy to have money when I needed to find a room to rent.  I switched my direct deposit to an online bank account.  I paid off my credit cards before dropping the D-bomb on her.  I moved some money from an investment into the online bank.  Basically I built a war chest, in the event I needed to move out, put first month's rent/deposit down, hire movers, hire a defense attorney if charged with a false allegation.  I ended up needing only the $1K, and used the money from the investment to ship her car and her stuff back to her hometown... .but I had money for food, gas, etc... .  Have a short term financial plan.

If you're the bread winner, separate (or be prepared to quickly separate) your finances.  Cancel joint credit cards.  Get a new bank account and change your direct deposit.  Don't get financially drained.  Mine scored about $5k.  Could have been MUCH MUCH worse.

If you're a stay-at-home mom, you need to figure this out.  I really don't have advice, since I'm not in that boat.  One thing I've done over the years (when she was going nuts about me using the debit card) is purchase Amazon or Wal Mart gift cards, or get $20-50 back from the grocery store.  Then I could buy the thing I wanted without it showing up on the bank statement.  Sure, that quart of milk cost $32, but it came with a free gift card!  Now I'm not saying that behavior was healthy, but it saved me from having to justify my Amazon purchases.  I got myself in a horrible situation with financial boundaries.  I made the money, and she gave me an allowance.  And when I want to grab lunch with the guys from work once a month, I'm going to get the 3rd degree... .so on the way to work I'd buy a pack of gum at the grocery store and get $20 in cash.  Not a healthy way to live, but we've all been there.

That said, if I were a stay-at-home mom about to divorce a pwBPD, I'd add a few bucks to every trip to the store for six months.  And stash that cash somewhere safe.  Or better yet, open up a bank account at a different bank.  Or pick up a side job, a few hours a week if you can.  Or borrow some money, and stash it.  Be financially prepared to survive for a month.  Or to be able to pay for that one-hour with a lawyer to get some temp support filed.  Or whatever.  Don't get caught out on the streets with no cash.  And it's better than having to dive into high-interest credit cards (that can be shut off if they're joint) that you'll struggle to make the payments on as you get your bearings.

9. If you're a dad, and you move out, you can't tell the court that you should have full custody because she's dangerous and crazy and full of BPD.

Because you moved out and left your kids with her.  I'm not a dad, and didn't have that issue.  That said, reading tons of divorce forums, the judge will see your argument as a smear campaign.  After all, if she was that dangerous, why did you leave the kid with her?  Feared for your life, but not the kids?  But I'm not a lawyer, and consult a lawyer.

This is super long winded, unedited, and off the top of my head.  If other folks have other thoughts, or disagree, or can elaborate on scenarios that differed from mine, please feel free.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

1. When you decide to divorce, you need to do research.  Figure out what it is that you want, what you're willing to give up, and develop a plan to make that happen.

My priorities were to get her out of the house permanently, get divorced as quickly as possible, not be financially crippled, and be fair to her.  In that order.  (for those that say "be fair to yourself" that is priorities one through three.  She was number four).  I spent a good deal of time on a men's divorce forum, and learned a great deal.  It's best to secretly do research before you drop the D-bomb on them.

Calling local lawyers and getting a free phone consult is a good idea.  Also, you can make an appointment for $250-400/hr and sit down and discuss.  Interview lawyers.  Find one that fits your needs.  If you need a litigator, you don't want someone who is a mediator.  If you want a mediator, you don't want someone who likes to litigate.  My L was a gem.

To elaborate a bit about this:

If you're going to divorce your pwBPD, you need to know what you will not cave on, and what you're willing to give up.

For me, there was a dollar amount that I was willing to throw away.  But I was not willing to get locked into long term alimony.  Yes, short term marriage.  However, if a lawyer talked her into saying that she just got out of a mental hospital/rehab, has horrible migraines, and can't hold down a job... .A sympathetic judge might award her some long-term support until she gets on her feet.  

Additionally, my job has a small defined benefit plan.  She would have been INSTANTLY awarded a few hundred bucks a month for life.  I wanted her out of my life.  Paying an extra $10-15k now saved me $2000-3000/year for life.  Several lawyers told me to reach a settlement based on that alone.  She was married for a percentage of my time with this company, so she's entitled to half the pension I earned during the marriage.  Forever.  My L got her to sign a specific waiver, acknowledging how much she was entitled to, and that she was waiving it unconditionally.  Holy cow that's a huge one.

Anything that I was not willing to see stolen, destroyed, sold, or disappeared was in the trunk of my car.  Except for one thing, and she hid that in deep storage.  For about 72 hours I thought it was gone forever.

She wanted about $800 in stuff that is mine (pre-marriage).  :)idn't respond.  I chose my battles.  And it looks like she took it (plus another $500-600 worth of stuff).  It's replaceable.  Know what to fight over.

Have a lawyer explain how the judges are trending these days.  I knew roughly what she'd get from a judge (barring a sympathetic alimony award).  I upped it a little bit to ensure if she left the state without signing papers, a default divorce would sail through.  Also, with an uncontested divorce (in this state), a judge will review everything to make sure one party isn't being taken advantage of.  I was more than fair.

Also, when she asked me to increase my original offer by about 25% in return for signing EVERYTHING, I had to keep my composure.  I told her I'd think about it, but in reality I was jumping for joy.  The financial side was priority number three.  Getting her out, and getting the divorce were number one and two.

Something I've seen repeated over and over on some other forums: know what you want, devise a game plan to get what you want.  Be willing to give up things that aren't your top priority in order to get what is your top priority.  I paid way more than what a judge would have awarded... .but I shaved about 6-12 months off the time frame, and I'm back in my own house, and she's gone, and I could be officially divorced by the end of the month.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

10. Do not do things that will cause an irrational person to think irrational thoughts about everything working out fine.

You'll get asked to go to your favorite restaurant.  After you've announced your intention to divorce.  For my stbx's birthday, I tacked on "Happy Birthday" in an email about squaring away finances.  My T recommended no more than that.  They can and might take any little gesture that there is hope and turn that into something irrational.  

I've heard about guys/gals being seduced after the divorce process has started.

No sex.

No candlelight dinners.

No pet names.  Mine went from being called (insert pet name here) to Morticia the moment I told her I was seeking a divorce.  No more snookums or sweetie pie or whatever.  Business-like.

I needed my stbx to embrace the inevitability of the divorce, and do the things she needed to do (pack her stuff and get a plane ticket).

This could be filed under "be consistent"... .

Gomez

[enlighten me]

Hi gomez

I think you handled the whole situation spot on. Yes there were probably a couple of hiccups. This is perfectly understandable as whilst still enmeshed you dont know whether yoyr coming or going. This is why minimal contact is a must so you can get your own thoughts together.

You'll be back ti your old self before you know it.

Thanks for your posts. I think its been good to see the process play out and the end result.

All thebest

EM