I feel like I am going crazy

[jroxy]

Anyone who has anything to offer me here, I would truly, truly appreciate it. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Here is my background.

I have been in a relationship with a man for 3 1/2 years. During this time, we had what I felt was a solid relationship. We are good friends, enjoyed the same things, and generally loved each other. He is young, just 29. Since the very first day I met him, a big part of his identity has been that off a former marine. Before we started dating, we were good friends and I learned a lot about him. He had done 3 tours in war, he really struggled with what war meant and what he had to do, he struggled with PTSD... .and so on and so far. What I saw was a good person that I was really interested i getting to know better and so I did. We eventually started dating and down the path of intimacy we went.

Our relationship was solid. I dealt with the day-to-day things that come along with being and dating a veteran. Loud noises scared him, crowded places unnerved him, he always had to sit with his back to the wall in restaurants, he was always hyper vigilant. I also got to know the stress and anxiety he was dealing with. He struggled with his worth as a person because of the things he did in war, he battled PTSD and some depression. We worked though that and built a life together including a great circle of friends. Our relationship was in my mind solid.  We both communicated fairly well, we respected each others space and independence and we really, truly loved each other. Of course no relationship is perfect and I often felt like things were always about him. His needs were always first. When he felt stressed, he would become one tracked and only focus on himself. But at the core, we was always loving and kind.

We built a life together. He developed a bond with my parents, especially my dad with their shared military expereince as a bond. I learned more and more about him. I loved him as a person, not him as a marine. Eventually this past fall we moved in together. We talked about marriage and were both ready for the next step. We looked at rings together and he sent my parents a picture of the ring he was about to buy.

And then my world collapsed.

One night almost two months ago, as we were eating dinner, he simply looked at me and said... ."I don't think I can marry you." I don't think I can be the person you need to be, I don't think I can really feel love anymore and I can't afford a ring. I was shell shocked. Up until this point, I truly believed we were on the same page regarding marriage. I tried to talk to him about it but he cited his work (now a Sheriff) was really stressful and he had nothing to give me and he thought he was depressed. So because I love this man, I tried to learn and much as I could about loving someone with depression. I stayed up late at night, reading and researching and learning. I tried talking to him about how I could support him through this and it was like hitting a brick wall. All I hears was I don't think I can love someone right now. Understandably I was concerned and reached out to his mom, whom I am very close to. I met her out one night for dinner and after we ate, I wanted to chat with her a bit about how worried I was about him.

My exact words were, "I am so worried, he seems so withdrawn, it reminds me of how he told me how he got after his tour in Iraq."

Mom: Tour in Iraq?

Me: or Afghanistan, I forgot which one.

Mom: He was never in Iraq or Afghanistan. What?

Me:  You know as a Marine

Mom:  He was never a Marine

I passed out from shock. We spent an hour talking and not only was he never in the military but there were so, so many other lies. About employment, about things he did (like build a motorcycle, live with his grandmother, help pay his sister's tuition. Basically, his whole past for 3 1/2 years was a lie. I am not talking basic lies either. Detailed, intimate details about his military experience.  He wrote in militarily style, dates and times. He had basic military gear. He built a life around his experience as a Marine.

When confronted that night, the reasoning was he met me and was at such a low point in his life that he fabricated stuff so he would feel worthy of me, etc, etc. He couldn't tell me because he was scared to hurt me. The sorrow kicked in immediately and lasted exactly one day. His life was a complete lie to me and all our friends but it not his mom or family.

AS I struggled with what this meant to me and if I should stay in the relationship, he became cold and distance, manipulative and off putting. He continued to lie to me. He pushed me away until finally I called him out and his reply was I cannot be with you any longer. I am flippin miserable.

As I am coming to terms with this, I am subjected to more of his lies and manipulation, He has moved out and gotten a new apartment but can't move in yet so he continues to use our space. He lies about where he is and what he is doing. He hasn't dealt with one iota of this to our friends and family, instead he just works and avoids everything while I struggle to pick up all the pieces and deal with all the hurt he has done to so many people.

He has a irrational fear that I or someone who loves me is going to call his work and get him fired.

When I told him I am no longer protecting him and am telling the people closest to me, he freaked out. He constantly texted me asking me if I knew if someone was going to try and get him fired. He threatened a restraining order, etc, I didn't engage him at all. And when I didn't the next day, he dangled what he knows I have been searching for for weeks. A insight into what is wrong with him.

He told me he was diagnosed with BPD and he is in therapy twice a week. He told me he was relieved to know he was ill but he has a long road. I didn't react right away because I was at work and he turned everything on me. I didn't validate his feelings right away. He shared this intimate thing with me and I blew it off. (at work) and then he gets pissed at me.

The problem is I don't necessarily believe he was diagnosed. So many lies.

Everyone his whole life has cow towed to him and protected him. Now with this diagnosis they will continue to do so.

I guess ultimately my question is... am I going crazy?  I am a wrecked mess barely holding on. I feel like I have lost part of my soul. I loved him in the most pure and unselfish way I could. If anyone has insight/experiences it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[DreamerGirl]

jroxy, wow, oh that must be so hard for you. Hugs.

3 1/2 years is a long investment.  I am about the same time in my relationship.

It sounds like you have been there for him, supporting him through the hard emotional times that you believed were from his mental trauma spent in War.  His selfishness, you put that down too his time spent in the Marines.

It sounds like the lies he created and sucked you into, overwhelmed him, and he couldn't keep it up, so that's where you are, now.

You are not going crazy, even though, I understand how crazy this must feel to you.  He is the one with mental issues.

He took you on a trip to crazyland, for over 3 years.  You were innocent, trusting and loving, not expecting to be manipulated and lied too.  That is normal, not crazy.

You are suffering deep pain.  Who wouldn't be after what you have been through.  Don't hide from it or try and justify it, it is because you have been hurt badly from HIS lies and manipulation of you.

He may or may not have been diagnosed, it really doesn't matter. His family and followers will probably always cow tow to him.  They don't have to live with him.

You are the most important person here.  Are you hoping to work through this with him?  What is your priority?

[Thread]

Leave. Leave now. You'll be just fine after you do. You can clink into my link for all my stories - not nearly at your level, but the longer you stay the worse it becomes. I thought marriage was some key to success. No, it only resulted in more issues. And day in and day out. Trust me. Leave.

[jac8949]

The question that you might want to address is this:

Why is it even a viable option for you to stick around in this situation?  If you  are armed with the basic facts about yourself and have taken an honest look at you and your role in this relationship, you might find the answers. 

I am doing that right now.  And what I am learning is literally blowing me away. 

Going back to my original question... .Why is this even an issue for you... .Why not just leave?  Can you at least agree that most normal people would have pulled the plug on this thing a long long time ago? I think so... .

We are abnormal people. The problem is us. 

[jroxy]

Thank you for the replies. At first I held on to hope that I could work this out with him or at least try to. He was what I thought was my person... .the person I believed I was supposed to be with. And now a month and half later, through all the lies and manipulation, I deserve so much better. My mind knows that. My heart holds onto the memories of what I thought we had.

[Thread]

I still hold onto so many memories. I see our wedding pictures and happiness radiating out of the photos. And I am now on my second go of a separation. He is not changing. He is still blaming me for his disorder. He yells at me for the most ridiculous things. I am now having ideations of self harm and my whole being is telling me this is not okay. There are good days, but the bad days are not stopping. They keep happening and it's literally whatever excuse he can find to freak out on me. My therapist and family have now all advised me to leave him again.

Leave before you have kids or start a business together. More commmitment the worse they become.