Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
April 17, 2021, 03:28:30 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Another holiday down  (Read 309 times)
willtimeheal
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: Split 4-2013 trying to work it out
Posts: 813


WWW
« on: July 05, 2015, 02:00:21 PM »

I haven't posted or checked this board in a while. I made a deal with myself that I was  going to step away from the world of BPD for at least a month. I also decided no checking the ex facebook or anything like that. It was a good month but then the 4th of July comes around. My therapist says the holidays are the toughest and I just need to make it through. Well I did. I am proud to say I only cried twice for a few minutes and then I was done. Last year at this time we were all sitting on the beach watching the fireworks together as a family planning our life. Today she has a guy living in her house raising the kids I was suppose to be raising. I did get a message from her daughter the other day saying how much she misses me... .I known that added to my tears over the holiday.

Then I made the mistake of checking FB. Reading about how wonderful life is with the replacement and how blessed they are to have him in their lives. I remember when those FB posts used to be about me. I remember when I was the greatest thing since sliced bread.  It bothers me how their life can just go on... .no remorse no feeling of hurt or empathy for the life they destroyed. What scares me is I still want that life we planned. I understand it is a fantasy and I understand how abusive and cruel she was but why do I still want her?  Why do I want this person who treated me so horribly?  I don't even like her!  Its  like I hate her but I love her at he same time.  And I try so hard to let my past with her go. Most of the time I can. I am 10 months out and my life is so good. Why do I sometimes fall backwards?
Logged

Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2015, 02:23:46 PM »

Hi willtimeheal,

I am feeling similar, today.  I notice that for the holidays... .I am originally not aware of it, but then find myself sliding into a depressive mood.

I have been in bed all day... .  Not really thinking about him at all... .that I realized.  But I know somewhere in my subconscious... .just like on Father's Day... .he must be in my mind somewhere.

I don't typically think of him always... .  But I do catch myself sometimes thinking... hey it is the end of the school year... .SD... .must be doing xyz, I used to help with cleaning out the back pack, organizing for the upcoming year, help picking classes, help with side tutoring to help her get into a better class level for the following year.

Then Mother's Day... .  We got into a fight.  He shunned and gripped at my son... .  So I recalled that unpleasant time.

Excerpt
What scares me is I still want that life we planned. I understand it is a fantasy and I understand how abusive and cruel she was but why do I still want her?  Why do I want this person who treated me so horribly?  I don't even like her!  Its  like I hate her but I love her at he same time.  And I try so hard to let my past with her go. Most of the time I can. I am 10 months out and my life is so good. Why do I sometimes fall backwards?

I can't speak for everyone, however, I imagine we all feel this way to an extent.  I imagine it is common and to expect that, especially the first year that as major events pass then feelings will resurface and we will have opportunities to grieve... .or process things again.   I do not see this as falling backwards, rather moments where undone work is surfacing because we are ready for it.

I think tho  for me... .I will start to realize the markers on the calendar... .prepare ahead to structure my time and schedule some relaxing, gentle, and fun things for me to look forward to ... .so that I do not find myself lying in bed waiting for the holiday to pass me.

Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!