Need Help On What To Say

[Softanswer]

Our teenage daughter, just turned 16 , seems to have a lot of these traits of BPD. Her feelings seem to be intense and negative and triggered by almost anything. She will verbally attack her mom or me her dad or her sisters or brother. Here siblings tend to avoid her which doesn't help. We know we need to get her professional help. We took her to a psychiatrist a few years ago because she was showing signs of obessive hand washing. She didn't want to go and we had to drag her there, she literally kicked us in the shins. When she was in front of the Doc she was an angel. So far our daughter never exhibits these traits in front of anyone other than family. Where we really need help is with what to say to her, to help validate her.

Let me give an example, last night we picked her up from a party. We were pleased she got invited to a party and thought it might help her self esteem. She asked to see some pictures my wife took and after lookign at them grew angry and said these suck. You (her mom) are a terrible photographer and I look horrible, you should wait until i look good. I hate you, I hate you. etc. then she said her wrist hurt because she had to hold her dress up because, "you did a terrible job sewing the dress. why did you do that? "my wife just said I'm sorry daughter I didn't mean to do that but she proceeded to verbally say how she, her mom is terrible at everything, and hates her later texted us from her bedroom and said how she hoped we both die and hopes she never grows up to be like us and hopes she dies in her sleep. My wife just texted back that I hear you are upset and your feelings are important and I'm sorry that what i say sometimes makes it worse. Then my daughter came down from her room at 2:00 am and said she was mad my wife didn't go up to her room. Earlier she had said "get out" So you see we need suggestions on what to say and how do we get her in to see a specialist that does DBT?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

Your wife did great with her text response. I think you just keep validating, acknowledge her feelings and repeat back what she says so she feels listened to. "I'm sorry you are so upset that we did not react they way you wanted us to" Don't even try to explain your actions/non-actions with reason. She's still all in emotional mind,  and you can't give her any kind of "answer" that will satisfy her, no matter how much sense it makes to you.

I think you know this isn't about the pictures, or the dress. Something triggered her into this state of mind and then it just snowballed.

Wait a day or two even, until she's fully done with this mood, and acknowledge how painful this was for her, and tell her you see how hard it is for her, and tell her you're scheduling a therapy appointment with someone who will work to help alleviate some of her anxiety. Tell her it is because you care about her and you are seeing her pain is overwhelming, which is not fair to her. Don't lecture or push. Don't punish. Try to make it fairly brief and change the subject or switch gears to something else so she can't cook up a negative spin on it. Most importantly, don't show her any anger or frustration. I start out many conversations by saying "I am not angry with you" Love her, keep engaging her with a positive attitude. Don't let her think she can deflate you. Plan your timing when you talk. Sometimes I like to do this in the car just before I drop DD off at work. I get the "yeah, whatever" but there's no time for her to fight with me and no anger in me to fuel it. Good luck. My DD is almost 16 and I can relate to your battle. It's very frustrating.

[Softanswer]

Thank you, that good advice. So what do we say when she gets in her verbal attack mode and starts saying, " I hate you, I hope you die." Only once or twice she started to hit and as Dad I step in and stop that but of course that usually gets a day or two of " I hate yous." We usually just respond that we love you but doesn't seem to defuse or validate.

Your wife did great with her text response. I think you just keep validating, acknowledge her feelings and repeat back what she says so she feels listened to. "I'm sorry you are so upset that we did not react they way you wanted us to" Don't even try to explain your actions/non-actions with reason. She's still all in emotional mind,  and you can't give her any kind of "answer" that will satisfy her, no matter how much sense it makes to you.

I think you know this isn't about the pictures, or the dress. Something triggered her into this state of mind and then it just snowballed.

Wait a day or two even, until she's fully done with this mood, and acknowledge how painful this was for her, and tell her you see how hard it is for her, and tell her you're scheduling a therapy appointment with someone who will work to help alleviate some of her anxiety. Tell her it is because you care about her and you are seeing her pain is overwhelming, which is not fair to her. Don't lecture or push. Don't punish. Try to make it fairly brief and change the subject or switch gears to something else so she can't cook up a negative spin on it. Most importantly, don't show her any anger or frustration. I start out many conversations by saying "I am not angry with you" Love her, keep engaging her with a positive attitude. Don't let her think she can deflate you. Plan your timing when you talk. Sometimes I like to do this in the car just before I drop DD off at work. I get the "yeah, whatever" but there's no time for her to fight with me and no anger in me to fuel it. Good luck. My DD is almost 16 and I can relate to your battle. It's very frustrating.

[DisneyMom]

I can see how responding to "I hate you" with "I love you" could further irritate someone in a BPD rage. If I get vile hate by text, sometimes I simply reply with "ouch" and nothing else. That has softened her a few times. If she's just described her anger but not attacking me personally "I feel so angry I could punch something!" I've responded back by saying "I love you a lot" That worked pretty well too, but that is by text.

In person is a little tougher. By that point in anger explosion, validation isn't helpful either. I can validate her if she's mad at someone else, but it's so much harder if it is at me.  If the anger is directed at you personally, I think if you listen for just a minute or so and say nothing at all. Usually my DD hits a point where she goes off to her room. That's good. (as long as she doesn't have anything to really hurt herself in there) She needs to get away to cool down. Having no audience for a rage is good for snuffing it out. If she doesn't go off in a huff, that's tougher. After a minute of just listening, giving eye contact (so she knows she is heard) and saying nothing, I walk away, quietly, not in a huff, and not in anger. I go upstairs to my room, or I take the dog for a walk (as long as I feel she is going to be safe, which works best if there is another adult around).  Sometimes this works, and sometimes she follows, looking to keep fighting. You just have to try really hard to keep your own emotions in check. I think by remaining calm, it helps her realize her little tirade isn't giving her any power to control me. Maybe there's a little piece inside of her that feels safer knowing we accept her and can handle this behavior. Sometimes you just have to wait the enraged state out. I'm to the point that I can feel empathy now in that place because that is all the disease taking over.