Confused and dont know what to do

[laydee]

Hi

I have been in a relationship with someone on and off for 7.5yrs, just had a baby girl (12wks) and has only just been diagnosed with BPD and after reading up on it its like reading back on my life since i met him. Sadly the diagnosis has only come after his latest burst of rage for which i had to call the police and he is now in jail for. We had just had a talk about how we were feeling, the problems we were having and wanted to overcome, his behaviour that was unacceptable and that he needed to seek help for the night before all this happened, he had even suggested he was going to talk to a shrink about the possibility of him having BPD. This fight started from a cpl of things, him feeling i was ignoring him because i didnt hear the last part of what he had said, he said its pointless being in a relationship with me if he was just going to be ignored and he would leave if it happened again to which i responded well u may as well go now because im not going to live being scared im going to not hear u and u leave because u feel i ignored u instead of just accepting i didnt hear and repeating wat u had said. He started yelling at me so i walked away and told him i wasnt going to fight. then he started smashing things, he came down to the bedroom with the ps4 and smashed it in front of me saying i care more about material things then him so he would destroy them. the look in his eyes was pain, he looked so hurt, so broken and lost and there was nothing i could do to make him stop, to make him believe i love him, at one stage wen i asked him to stop he said there was no point, it was too late because he was already going to lose me because he had gone too far. He did something i would never have thought he would do, he strangled me while i was sitting on the bed holding my daughter. then he walked away but came back and did it again. both times were only for a few seconds and i have denied it to the police, i didnt talk to them at all except to give them my name and tell them he would tell them everything so i dont need to talk to them, that i just needed him gone but wen i wen to the police station to drop off something i spoke to the officer who told me wat my partner had said and he had told them everything but i told them he was lying because he wanted to be locked up longer because he felt guilty. By the time they had showed up he had stopped and was sitting down crying and i was asking him if he was ok.

now i dont know wat to do, he has no one else at all, he feels awful, hes away from his baby and step son who he loves so much. the psych at the prison has disagnosed him and today he rang me - no idea how he managed to seeing as the police had put an intervention order in place and so clearly i am not on his approved phone list - and asked wat i wanted to do about us. i was shocked, he was risking getting in more trouble to see if i still loved him. i didnt know wat to say, i know i do love him and i feel bad for putting him in the situation for him to put me and our kids at risk (he had wanted to stay away, get help, find out wat was wrong with him, but still be together but not in a situation where he would most likely smash up stuff and damage the house which he has done several times before but i have been suffering post natal depression and because he hadnt been here to help with our baby as much as i wanted i was just angry every time i saw him so needed him here otherwise i was going to walk away for good -  i feel like i forced him into the situation and that while he was the one who did it all, i am to blame for creating the situation that put myself and children at risk)

so i told him yes i do love him however i dont know about us, i will b putting the kids first and if that means i cant be with u then i cant but i do hope that we can get help and have a future if possible.

after reading so much today about BPD i am so confused and just feel lost. I think we have a co dependent relationship which isnt healthy but i really do want us to have a future. he is a good person, he really does want this stuff to happen, and now that he has looked back at it all, seen all the things i tried so hard to forgive him for (more i pushed it to the back of my mind and locked it away then forgave him because some of it is too hard to even think about) and wants to do everything he can to change himself and get help but so far i havnt read anything that indicates that will be possible and the best anyone can hope for is to manage it as best they can.

With kids this doesnt seem like a viable option

Has anybody had success in making it work with children involved? Do u rely on medication, ongoing counselling, anger management tools... .etc

Do i have a reason to hope for a future with him?

Right now i am feeling disgusted with myself for not hating him because i feel thats wat everyone thinks i should feel but should i feel this way ? its so important to me not to hate him for the sake of the kids, i dont want to become one of those mothers who gets nasty and tries to alienate the father, i believe both parents are equally important in a childs life regardless of how they feel towards one another however i also feel like i can be a very vengeful person and could take my anger out in that way.

Child protection have put in for a protective order, not to take them, basically just to control everything in my life. they have said they wont allow me to change the intervention order so i can even send him photos of the kids, or send him updates on them, even tho i believe that would help him with the motivation to continue therapy in jail, they have said even if it was changed they wouldnt allow me to take them to the prison to visit so he isnt a stranger to our baby wen he gets out, which seems extremely unfair as it isnt putting them in any danger, allows for a bond to b there and parents are allowed to take children to visit. they have interviewed me and said they wont take the kids because he is locked up but because i have allowed him to repeatedly come back in the past they dont believe i would stay away from him now - not once have they offered support to keep a family together, just said no contact is best and they will fight to keep it that way. Now even tho i know it is wrong to lie i have continued to deny the strangling happened at all, which i have only done to try and keep his prison sentence as short as possible simply so he can see the kids and so he can find the help he needs as it is limited in prison and him being ok and dealing with his problems and being a father is more important then him wasting time in jail.

I just want to know if there is any reason to have hope, i have my own issues which i am working on, ones that clashed with his. i am very private, it was only after this incident less then 2 wks ago that i have opened up to a friend about it all. they had no idea it was so bad, i never tell ppl unless i have to, ppl knowing my personal life and problems causes anxiety and panic attacks and makes me isolate myself, then im angry that no body notices anything is wrong and even wen they do know ive been thru alot they dont check up on me because i tell them i dont want visitors. i feel like if it was me i would still check up on a friend just because im worried about them and know they need a friend even if they are too ashamed to admit it.

if it comes down to him or the kids most definitly i would choose the kids but i wont ever move on and b miserable. i have a skin condition that has gotten worse over the last cpl yrs and i couldnt let anybody see it now, he accepted it, didnt bother him at all even tho in the last 7yrs its made parts of me look so disgusting. I dont want to b alone forever.

he was the only one i could really talk to, even wen he had left and i was angry i could call him and yell at him and get everything off my chest, even if he was just nasty back i was getting it out, or i could msg him for hours getting it all out even tho i knew he didnt read most of it, it was out. i feel very alone without him .

anyone else been thru this? wat did u do?

sorry its so long, im scared, im confused, im lost.

Has anyone been able to co parent without any issues wen the relationship was too volatile to continue with?

[satahal]

I'm sorry you're going through this especially with a new baby.

I'm very new here but I am co-parenting with a BPD boyfriend of 8 years. He's a step-parent to my youngest child and has three of his own who are young adults now.

I think you have to ask yourself if you feel he's safe to be with the kids? Can he handle the stress of parenting - particular a new born, with the sleep deprivations and constant demands. Also, you have to ask yourself if you're comfortable with your children having front row seats for his rages?

My partner has stopped drinking which has drastically reduced the raging that necessitated calling the police a few times but he's still very contentious, controlling, needy and angry a lot of the time. He is a decent parent and he loves the kids and they love him but I worry a lot about my son seeing all of this as normal. We model relationships for our kids. I've tried to hide his worst behavior and maybe I have been successful but they see the eggshell walking I do - they see his moodiness and the hear some of the hateful things he says when he's set off, as he can't curb his tongue for the sake of the kids like most adults can - he doesn't have that kind of self-control. It sounds like yours might not either.

With him being in jail and, it sounds like a restraining order in place, you're in a good position to lay out some ground rules for his return. For instance you could insist he complete x months of therapy before he is let back in the house, that he give up and substance use(if there is any), etc. You can spend this time putting together boundaries and practicing communication techniques like SET and validation that are helpful with BPD people.