Painted Black

[FigureIt]

When they continue to paint you black, how do you just ignore and move on. I am painted black these days for everything. If I don't do something, then if I do, then it's what I said, etc.

[Forestaken]

2 step process for me:

1) I realize: It's not me it's them

2) I didn't cause their BPD; I can't control it or cure it.

Then I move on.

[chill1986]

Going through it as I type. So much abuse today.

I know I'm a good person and that she is ill. Also tinder. I have a date with a new girl this weekend!

[FigureIt]

2 step process for me:

1) I realize: It's not me it's them

2) I didn't cause their BPD; I can't control it or cure it.

Then I move on.

Do you engage? How do you talk with them if they always see you or what oh do as negative.

[chill1986]

Either don't or take the high road.

[satahal]

Hi Figure it,

I'm new so I don't profess to know the answers but after watching the validation video I've started using questions more - like, "Why do you think that?" He seems very calmed by the fact that I'm asking for more info and want to hear his explanation.

The only tricky part after is not getting into JADEing. I don't explain per se but I will say something simple - like if he says, "You don't love me" of "You think I'm an idiot" I will reply, "why do you think that?" and then after he explains, I'll say "I don't hate you" or whatever. I may add "I'm really sorry you feel that way" or "it must suck to feel that way" but my pwBPD likes those comments a lot less because he feels I'm patronizing him. There's not much else I can come up with to say that won't drag me into a circular-argument/rage fest.

[Forestaken]

The only tricky part after is not getting into JADEing. I don't explain per se but I will say something simple - like if he says, "You don't love me" of "You think I'm an idiot" I will reply, "why do you think that?" and then after he explains, I'll say "I don't hate you" or whatever. I may add "I'm really sorry you feel that way" or "it must suck to feel that way" but my pwBPD likes those comments a lot less because he feels I'm patronizing him. There's not much else I can come up with to say that won't drag me into a circular-argument/rage fest.

True there is a "trap" of trying to not sounding patronizing.  Depending on the subject, I held firm

Politics: "It's my opinion, I'm not demanding you agree with it - it's a opinion- half fact and half emotion";

Emotions "I don't have a logic path to describe why I feel that way - it's an emotion",

Family matters "everyone looks out for themselves or their kids first, sometimes someone close next, from that point on, who knows"

Xw: "You hate me" Me: "No, I can love you and be pissed off at you at the same time." 

Xw: "You think I'm stupid" Me: "No, you just don't have all the facts, like me when... ."

I had to remember "You don't have to accept every invitation to an argument".  Pick your battles

[chill1986]

Once you are painted black and your ex hates you does it ever change? I don't like being hated.

[satahal]

My BPD can switch back from black to white, so it's possible. My sister could too only it could take her a year or more.

It's a sucky feeling.

[SummerStorm]

Once you are painted black and your ex hates you does it ever change? I don't like being hated.

I think it depends on the person and the situation.  No one likes being hated, but being hated by a pwBPD is much different than being hated by someone who doesn't have it, just like being loved by them is different.  I would much rather be hated by a pwBPD because, generally speaking, they have a much smaller social circle, and eventually, most of the people in that circle will end up being hated, too.  My former friend can spread all kinds of lies about me, but she really only has her boyfriend and her family, and none of them have met me.  And again, because a pwBPD has the emotional capacity of a 2-3 year old, it's like being hated by a small child.  I know it doesn't feel that way, especially at first.   

[repititionqueen]

I think that depending on the pwBPD they will likely come back around and paint you as white again. It's a waiting game. When my best friend with uBPD paints me black I just go NC for awhile and eventually she comes back around because she needs my friendship. She knows that I get her and I'm the only one who will stick around and put up with this behaviour. We have a level of understanding between us. When she is in a better place she can acknowledge her BPD behaviour and think quite rationally about it, of course she becomes irrational when you're painted black again but as long as you know it's THEM and not you, a little understanding can go a long way.

[workinprogress]

I go from black to white all of the time.  I don't even know how or why, except in the following situation.  My wife paints me white and starts being nice to me.  I make a sexual advance, and she rejects me.  I explain to her in a calm manner how frustrated I am.  I am painted black.

[chill1986]

Well mine is an ex with BPD. I hope she does come back around, not just because I love her, but because she is making even small things very difficult for me.