I feel like I am in denial about the whole relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have had no contact with my ex for about 2 weeks now as I blocked from everywhere and threatened to call the police of he came to my house. He was never violent but he was harrassing me verbally and there was lots of emotional abuse. He did make a few threats that implied he would do something.

I feel so much better going no contact. However I feel like I am in denial about the whole relationship. Everytime I think about the fact that I was in an abusive relationship with someone that wasnt genuine I say to myself after that I wasnt really in an abusive relationship even though he fits the criteria. I almost feel like I am imagining it. A few things keep playing on my mind and I wonder whether it really happened (even though I know it did and I have messages saved on my phone which proves it).

He told me 2 exs of his had accused him of rape, he threatened to "fu** me up mentally", i cried on the phone to him as he was upsetting me with accusations, so i hung up. He messaged me after saying "haha you are only crying out of guilt", i told him i never wanted to talk to him again after he made a threat and he said he had suicide letters written out to my family as i would be the main reason as he didnt want to lose me. Then told me to shutup and never bring it up again after i told him to see a doctor. Then said how horrible i was to leave him at his worst time. Everytime i confronted him about something he did that i didnt like he would either insult me/threaten to contact his ex or join a dating site/tell me what other people apparently think of me. These are some of the main things he has done. This is obviously abuse but why do I find it so hard to solidly see it as abuse?

[klacey3]

I have had no contact with my ex for about 2 weeks now as I blocked from everywhere and threatened to call the police of he came to my house. He was never violent but he was harrassing me verbally and there was lots of emotional abuse. He did make a few threats that implied he would do something.

I feel so much better going no contact. However I feel like I am in denial about the whole relationship. Everytime I think about the fact that I was in an abusive relationship with someone that wasnt genuine I say to myself after that I wasnt really in an abusive relationship even though he fits the criteria. I almost feel like I am imagining it. A few things keep playing on my mind and I wonder whether it really happened (even though I know it did and I have messages saved on my phone which proves it).

He told me 2 exs of his had accused him of rape, he threatened to "fu** me up mentally", i cried on the phone to him as he was upsetting me with accusations, so i hung up. He messaged me after saying "haha you are only crying out of guilt", i told him i never wanted to talk to him again after he made a threat and he said he had suicide letters written out to my family as i would be the main reason as he didnt want to lose me. Then told me to shutup and never bring it up again after i told him to see a doctor. Then said how horrible i was to leave him at his worst time. Everytime i confronted him about something he did that i didnt like he would either insult me/threaten to contact his ex or join a dating site/tell me what other people apparently think of me. These are some of the main things he has done. This is obviously abuse but why do I find it so hard to solidly see it as abuse?

[Forestaken]

Because you don't value your importance.  What you're going through - I went through and thanks to a good T, he told me that I need to value myself - which I didn't.  Now I do.

I finally divorced my Xw, got poorer but am happier.

[Pretty Woman]

Klacey,

   The denial is normal.  I was physically assaulted and I went back without an apology or anything. I was that desperate for something that bad for me.

In fact I went back twice after that. This time I was left for someone I confided in about my ex and what I went through. She knows the damage and she went with her.

I have no sympathy.

This person did me a huge favor. Maybe they will work as both are dishonest people.

It will get better, I promise.  You need to trust your gut now.  We tend to push that aside and that is how we end up deeper into this.

We are here for you

PW

[klacey3]

Because you don't value your importance.  What you're going through - I went through and thanks to a good T, he told me that I need to value myself - which I didn't.  Now I do.

I finally divorced my Xw, got poorer but am happier.

How does not valuing my importance make me not able to firmly believe what I went through was abusive? Could you explain that further please.

[Surg_Bear]

Because you don't value your importance.  What you're going through - I went through and thanks to a good T, he told me that I need to value myself - which I didn't.  Now I do.

I finally divorced my Xw, got poorer but am happier.

How does not valuing my importance make me not able to firmly believe what I went through was abusive? Could you explain that further please.

If you valued yourself, you would have taken the first attack of abuse, and said, this is unacceptable- NEVER do this again.  Upon receiving the second, if you truly valued yourself, you would have left.  Period.

We stay in abusive relationships because we value something else- the relationship, or the person we love MORE than we value ourselves.

It is that simple.

Surg_Bear

[Invictus01]

Gotta say... .any time somebody has an intention of f@#$ you up in any way... .it is time to depart... .

[Forestaken]

Because you don't value your importance.  What you're going through - I went through and thanks to a good T, he told me that I need to value myself - which I didn't.  Now I do.

I finally divorced my Xw, got poorer but am happier.

How does not valuing my importance make me not able to firmly believe what I went through was abusive? Could you explain that further please.

If you valued yourself, you would have taken the first attack of abuse, and said, this is unacceptable- NEVER do this again.  Upon receiving the second, if you truly valued yourself, you would have left.  Period.

We stay in abusive relationships because we value something else- the relationship, or the person we love MORE than we value ourselves.

It is that simple.

Surg_Bear

Another thing we value is: avoidance of conflict.  But in avoiding conflict, we are delaying or denying peace.

[sas1729]

Hey,

I completely agree with the replies here already posted above, but I wanted to add my voice to this. Unquestionably what you experienced in abusive. And as others have said here, I think we do value something else more than ourselves - the relationship, the other person, or whatever. But I think we are also scared to value ourselves. I was for a long time. However, what I think is worth thinking about is just how can we be a good partner in a relationship if we do not value ourselves? What good is it if we are just doormats in a relationship?

I feel that nonBPDs in a relationship with a pwBPD tend to be kind and loving people, albeit sometimes with a lack of self-confidence. But I think the moment we choose to end a bad relationship is the moment when we gain an important step towards fuller self-confidence. Because we have a lot to offer and have experienced a pretty bad relationship, we can be better partners for someone more caring in the future. This has been my experience at least. Of course I am on guard for telltale signs from people that I try to get close to. This is also why the kind things that my current partner says to me, which are not nearly as frequent as the idealization in my past, mean a lot to me.

My point again is that denial is an avoidance mechanism for us. I was scared to face my own reality of low self-confidence. The moment I did changed my life. Now, never again will I let it happen to me. I completely understand denial. I did it for long enough. All I'm saying is that a part of what helped me to face it was the belief that in being more self-confident I could be more fulfilled in future relationships and give to my future partner a deeper love in return. Being on this forum has brought back memories of what I felt with my BPDex. At the time nothing else mattered but her. Since breaking up I went through growing pains, which are scary and confusing. But the end is worth it. You are worth it and you owe it to yourself. You have a lot to offer to the right person, who you will absolutely find.

[Forestaken]

Amen!

[klacey3]

Hey,

I completely agree with the replies here already posted above, but I wanted to add my voice to this. Unquestionably what you experienced in abusive. And as others have said here, I think we do value something else more than ourselves - the relationship, the other person, or whatever. But I think we are also scared to value ourselves. I was for a long time. However, what I think is worth thinking about is just how can we be a good partner in a relationship if we do not value ourselves? What good is it if we are just doormats in a relationship?

I feel that nonBPDs in a relationship with a pwBPD tend to be kind and loving people, albeit sometimes with a lack of self-confidence. But I think the moment we choose to end a bad relationship is the moment when we gain an important step towards fuller self-confidence. Because we have a lot to offer and have experienced a pretty bad relationship, we can be better partners for someone more caring in the future. This has been my experience at least. Of course I am on guard for telltale signs from people that I try to get close to. This is also why the kind things that my current partner says to me, which are not nearly as frequent as the idealization in my past, mean a lot to me.

My point again is that denial is an avoidance mechanism for us. I was scared to face my own reality of low self-confidence. The moment I did changed my life. Now, never again will I let it happen to me. I completely understand denial. I did it for long enough. All I'm saying is that a part of what helped me to face it was the belief that in being more self-confident I could be more fulfilled in future relationships and give to my future partner a deeper love in return. Being on this forum has brought back memories of what I felt with my BPDex. At the time nothing else mattered but her. Since breaking up I went through growing pains, which are scary and confusing. But the end is worth it. You are worth it and you owe it to yourself. You have a lot to offer to the right person, who you will absolutely find.

Hi Sas, thank you for the long reply.

I agree i don't value myself much anymore. I am working through this with my T at the moment. I think this explains why I tolerated so much.

I just don't know why I can't admit to myself how abusive the situation was. I