Normal breakup vs. BPD breakup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I remembered something I thought was interesting... .

Before my BPD breakup, I had a "normal" relationship/breakup and the differences are really telling.

The "normal" relationship lasted the same length as the BPD one.  It was a nice relationship, no love bombing, no drama, no secrets, no lies.  One day, I didn't hear from her again.  I was a bit sad for a few days but moved on quickly.  She did contact me a month later and talked but the same chemistry wasn't there so we slowly quit talking.  No drama, no blocking, no hard feelings, nothing.  The relationship just ran its course.  If I saw her again somewhere, I'd be happy to say hi.  This is what a normal break up looks like.

Contrast that to what we are all going though now. 

[healingslowly12]

I remembered something I thought was interesting... .

Before my BPD breakup, I had a "normal" relationship/breakup and the differences are really telling.

The "normal" relationship lasted the same length as the BPD one.  It was a nice relationship, no love bombing, no drama, no secrets, no lies.  One day, I didn't hear from her again.  I was a bit sad for a few days but moved on quickly.  She did contact me a month later and talked but the same chemistry wasn't there so we slowly quit talking.  No drama, no blocking, no hard feelings, nothing.  The relationship just ran its course.  If I saw her again somewhere, I'd be happy to say hi.  This is what a normal break up looks like.

Contrast that to what we are all going though now. 

[Invictus01]

The last one before that, dated her for 7 months, at the end I knew something was off. Then we had the conversation, she told me she just doesn't feel the connection any more. Sure, I was sad for a few weeks, but within a couple of months I dated somebody else. Actually, ended up meeting up with her almost 10 months later, she wanted to get back together, I was so beyond that, I said no, just no feelings anymore. I can't even compare that to what the personality disordered breakup looked at... .

[Bassoutcast]

I think I'm the only one (or one of the very few of the people) here who had the "pleasure" of having his BPD as his very first relationship (right down from the first kiss and everything).

At first I was TERRIFIED to get into another r/s, seeing how my first one ended so badly and how hurt I was, I would rather be shot in the leg than go through that again... .but I've grown numb... .emotionally numb... .I've yet to have had a girlfriend after my BPDex, and although I crave love and affection I... .I don't know... .it's just so... .boring compared to what I had with her... .

Feel like a kid who's first ride in the amusement park is the roller-coaster and then he can only go for the spinning teacups... .where's the fun?... .I want the closeness I've had with my ex but with someone SANE... .and it's not that I haven't tried to pick up girls after that, it's just that even if I do pull through I don't even bother going beyond the phone number exchange... .It's just so BORING... .

[Pretty Woman]

Bassout,

   I can relate... .mine was my first... .as far as same sex goes. I think when they are your first regardless that make it so much harder.

You are a bit more co-dependent in those situations.

My ex before this... .yeah I was sad but not crippled like this. That ex and I are even friends today. There are 0 hurt feelings. In fact he told me this weekend the best day he ever spent with a woman, including his recent ex wife was with me. That made me feel great. We are not right for each other but there is nothing but love and respect there between us.

It's so much different with a BPD relationship. Respect and Love fly out the window with all the cheating, lying and deception.

[rotiroti]

What's worse is that I left a stable r/s to be with the pwBPD.

As for being head-over-heels, I really thought about it. I think it's easy for anyone to confuse intensity with intimacy. Say you found a connection like the honeymoon phase with a BPD, I don't think anyone can sustain that sort of intensity.

[UserName69]

A nonBPD partner is very mature compared to a pwBPD. The RS is way better, no craziness, no idolizing, no drama moments. A pwBPD might worship you but at the end he/she will hurt you and then you're going to realize everything was a lie.

I had a BU with a nonBPD and she handled it very mature, accepted it and moved on. No drama or whatsoever. While my exBPD could start a drama over literally almost anything.

[jammo1989]

I can give you guys the perfect example between a NON and a BPD break up, what im about to send is personal to me but Id like to share with you to show the difference between a NON and a BPD break up, im sure a lot of you have red about my back story regarding my ex HPD/BPD, but to put it in its most basic form, guilt trip, blame then cut me off as if i meant nothing, closure was non existent, where as the relationship I had before my ex was a normal 8 month relationship, although this is personal to me, this is what my ex ex sent me regarding the end of our relationship:

Firstly, thank you for calling me 30+ timeDearest James,


Firstly, thank you for calling me 30+ times between 2-4am and two lovely texts, being nasty to me when I picked up and trying to start an argument. I haven’t slept all night (and have a 10 hour shift today) and have been thinking a lot. Do you remember that time when you said we slowly became friends, and the time before when I said I have trust issues?

It is obvious, that last month was not the best month for us. We argue over petty things all the time and these outnumber positive outcomes. Therefore, after this whole night and previous thinking sessions I came to the conclusion that it’s about time for us to stay friends and move on.  And yes, this is my FINAL decision and there is no coming back.  I won’t change my mind this time, I’m sorry. I’m also sorry to tell you about that this way but I just had to do it like now when I’m still in my thinking phase.

I haven’t been a great person to you. I’m a moody, insecure, impatient, mean, ironic, sarcastic, jealous little b___ and I can’t change who I am. I have been starting most of these arguments and I can guarantee that it would happen again. The frequency and depth of our arguments have burnt out the flame for us so I doubt we would ever return to the times from the relationship, so it all started to fade away. Also, those arguments made me realise how different we both are and that we are not the best match. I’m proper stressy, every detail plays a role, as I’m a perfectionist and you’re more of a laidback person who takes life as it is. Even you said I behave like your mother sometimes. I wish I had an attitude like yours someday.

Please, do not get me wrong here. There is nothing wrong with you in the slightest, you’re very handsome, and have a beautiful body and a personality to die for. I can’t thank you enough for your impact on my life and everything you’ve ever done for me. The relationship with you, even short, was the best thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. You’re perfect in every possible way, a pure gentleman every woman would love to be with. I’m crying when I’m writing this but it has to be done. I’ve hurt you enough and I know this will hurt you even more but economically thinking it’s better to save this friendship now and become friends when it’s still(?) a crumb of hope than ending it up after a year or two with anger and hate. I respect you so much as a person and you’ll never hear anything bad about yourself (friends and facebook wise as it’s childish and immature). Besides, there is no one bad thing to say about you. I know this will be hard for both of us but it will be better that way, we both deserve to be happier.  

Also, this ‘friendship’ after the break up made me realise that I need my own space and being single is the status that would help me have it. It doesn’t mean that I will go out and shag another lad and I know that you know that. I’m not this kind of person. What I’m getting at is that I need a bit of fresh air to breathe again, with people not getting angry that I don’t text back or write back, that’s who I am. I lead a very stressful life, am stressful 80% of the time, I thought dissertation was my only worry, but it’s me as a person, I worry all the time, plus my masters coming up will lead to even more stressy moments. That’s why our personalities would clash here.

You’ll probably hate me for this decision and I don’t blame you. I won’t be surprised if you delete me of your facebook as well. I hope that one day you will forgive me and want to be friends .  I hope we both will be mature about it. I just want us to breathe again and start over, regain the happiness of life, without moods, and feeling down. I hope that you’ll find someone who will treat you better than I did. I will cherish every memory of you; us and you’ll always have your place in my heart xx


PS Don’t worry about that 50 quid. I’ve transferred it for you already.

PS2 I still have your memory stick, I will return it when you’re back from your holidays.

PS3 Before you try to call me or anything, please bear in mind that I will be working from 9 to 19, but I think everything is clear and you won’t even want to call me.

s between 2-4am and two lovely texts, being nasty to me when I picked up and trying to start an argument. I haven’t slept all night (and have a 10 hour shift today) and have been thinking a lot. Do you remember that time when you said we slowly became friends, and the time before when I said I have trust issues?


That was from the gf I had before my ex, the reason why I always kept this letter is because when I read it back not only did it give me closure, but it also shows i actually meant something to her, she spoke positively about me and it allowed me to accept and move on.  Now compare such a heart felt letter from my ex ex NON to the cut and run of my BPD ex is the real difference between a normal and BPD relationship.  

[healingslowly12]

We are not right for each other but there is nothing but love and respect there between us.

This... .this is what a "healthy" breakup feels like after the sadness wears off.


Jammo, thank you for sharing such a personal letter!

[jammo1989]

We are not right for each other but there is nothing but love and respect there between us.

This... .this is what a "healthy" breakup feels like after the sadness wears off.


Jammo, thank you for sharing such a personal letter!

I really felt I had to share it today, the point is just like every relationship we knew we were drifting apart, but that was part of the closure that allowed me to move on, she told me that I was handsome, she also admitted and accepted her negatives, she told me that I was worth something to her, where as with my ex i just blocked off everything and she moved on 4 days later, I end up reading that personal letter just to remind me that my exes behavior was not normal and that not everybody is like her, and the letter ive posted proves it, there really are loving normal people out there.   

[apollotech]

Feel like a kid who's first ride in the amusement park is the roller-coaster and then he can only go for the spinning teacups... .where's the fun?... .I want the closeness I've had with my ex but with someone SANE... .and it's not that I haven't tried to pick up girls after that, it's just that even if I do pull through I don't even bother going beyond the phone number exchange... .It's just so BORING... .

Hey Bass,

Don't throw in the towel so quickly my friend. There are plenty of sane girls out there that will willingly provide you with healthy intimacy/companionship. And believe me brother, some of those sane girls will rock your world... .and without all of the heartache, turmoil, and drama that a pwBPD provides. Give the sane girls a chance man, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised.

[Bassoutcast]

Feel like a kid who's first ride in the amusement park is the roller-coaster and then he can only go for the spinning teacups... .where's the fun?... .I want the closeness I've had with my ex but with someone SANE... .and it's not that I haven't tried to pick up girls after that, it's just that even if I do pull through I don't even bother going beyond the phone number exchange... .It's just so BORING... .

Hey Bass,

Don't throw in the towel so quickly my friend. There are plenty of sane girls out there that will willingly provide you with healthy intimacy/companionship. And believe me brother, some of those sane girls will rock your world... .and without all of the heartache, turmoil, and drama that a pwBPD provides. Give the sane girls a chance man, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised.

It's not that I've given up on dating, it's just that I have pretty high standards for a partner, and by that I don't mean a top model, it's the personality traits that are hard to find.

I've always been picky, hey my BPD ex was my first r/s at the age of 20, even though I've had girls who were into me at high school and after that... .I don't know, it's kind of a defense mechanism combined with the sheer lack of interest im most people... .plus finding a girl my age who's looking for a serious relationship and not a FB isn't easy... .

[rotiroti]

Feel like a kid who's first ride in the amusement park is the roller-coaster and then he can only go for the spinning teacups... .where's the fun?... .I want the closeness I've had with my ex but with someone SANE... .and it's not that I haven't tried to pick up girls after that, it's just that even if I do pull through I don't even bother going beyond the phone number exchange... .It's just so BORING... .

Hey Bass,

Don't throw in the towel so quickly my friend. There are plenty of sane girls out there that will willingly provide you with healthy intimacy/companionship. And believe me brother, some of those sane girls will rock your world... .and without all of the heartache, turmoil, and drama that a pwBPD provides. Give the sane girls a chance man, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised.

It's not that I've given up on dating, it's just that I have pretty high standards for a partner, and by that I don't mean a top model, it's the personality traits that are hard to find.

I've always been picky, hey my BPD ex was my first r/s at the age of 20, even though I've had girls who were into me at high school and after that... .I don't know, it's kind of a defense mechanism combined with the sheer lack of interest im most people... .plus finding a girl my age who's looking for a serious relationship and not a FB isn't easy... .

Hang in there man, plus having all this experience and insight at AGE 20 is going to ensure you'll be a great loving partner who will receive it back.

As for first loves, you'll always remember them. It's easy to remember just the good parts... .My first g/f was from when I was 19, she was a NON (haha) and I still think about her time to time. Not in a sense I want to get together with her, but fondness you would for an old friend and wondering/hoping they are doing well

[dobie]

Every normal BU I've had I've received a letter or some sort of closure that emphasised all my positive traits what I meant etc the sadness felt at breaking up and no need to control the situation if I wanted  to call I could or talk etc

With my exBPDgf apart from the first week while she was making up her mind and I dumped her first . I got no ownership of her part in the BU or apology for her behaviours all I got was anger and resentment and her pity party as well as her utterly selfish actions that I won't bother going into again here

Six months after and me having had to send countless emails I got a cold detached goodbye and vauge apology

I truly loathe her mental illness or not she is a disgusting human being unlike those suffers with BPD who are low functioning who I have compassion for my ex is high functioning and knows right from wrong .

I can't wait to have to never have her pop into my head again .

More than that I'm angry with myself for taking her abuse in the r/s as well as not sticking up for myself when she discarded me like yesterday's trash .

[Infared]

Thank God I had a 9-month relationship after my 5-yr relationship with gruesome BPD break-up.

In the adult, normal relationship I broke it off... .and we had some drama... .(break-ups suck... .let's face it), but I sat her down in person and talked to her honestly and respectfully. Like the big grown-up that I am. No texting, no Facebook games... .up close and personal... .like I care... .because I did... .We both did our best to be mature... .and it went as best it could. ... .this is a person that I would see in my life... .so we let some time go by and then I approached her to be friendly and guess what ? ... .we were both respectful and caring and slowly a friend ship developed and I actually had some REALLY a great times with her after that. With no agendas. ... I was really cool... and if you can believe it... .one day she made an appt. with me to meet me in person where she apologized for some of the things that had occurred that made me end the relationship... .this was strictly to clear the slate with no agenda. WOW I soo respect her.

So that whole experience really gave me this incredible perspective as to what a psychotic nightmare my experience was with the discard from my BPD. ... .even though "I" was doing everything that I could to act like an adult, being understanding, honest, etc... etc... .She just "assessed" my behavior as an opportunity to really deceive me, abuse me... .etc... etc... .

I know that the negativity and just horrible behavior was being generated by one sick person.

It was really ugly and I guess these things happen in decent people's lives.

Her loss. She really needs help... .but she doesn't think so... .so none will be had... .

[nowwhatz]

Years ago when my kids were little I went through a horrific divorce. It was a normal breakup even though it involved infidelity. 10 years of marriage and I was left to take care of my small children alone. Believe me it was difficult, very difficult and I was crushed by the infidelity. My children are still affected by what happened but it was a normal divorce/breakup.  Took me a little while to recover but I always retained my identity, self-respect, self-confidence and self-worth and have no regrets.

Contrast that with the breakup from my exBPDgf of 4 years... .I don't know who I am, have no self-respect, little self-worth, sense of decency, sense of humor. Incredibly in the "normal" divorce my ego took a beating because of the infidelity. No so with the BPDgf breakup. Ego is left mostly intact... .but the important things have been shattered into a million pieces.

I let my exBPDgf bring me down to a lower level. Maybe me and her are at different levels on the miserableness scale but the rate of decline was the same over the last 4 years.

Now I need to take anti-depressants and anxiety medication. A couple of years ago i started to experience panic attacks and now am stuck on xanax and fear I have some kind of ptsd from the r/s.

Am trying hard to climb out of the abyss but it is slow, slow, slow and very difficult to see the hope.

Whatever happens to me - good bad or ugly I will not give up though!