Ok so some of you here know my story as my first breakup with BPD ex was last year and it really messed me up.

Anyway we had LC for about 7 months until a quick first recycle and then this recent one.

During the 7 months after our first B/U I realised I was codependent and had a hell of a lot of work to do on myself, I didn't realise how many issues I had but the BPD situation really bought it all out. My BPD wasn't particularly vile to me, didn't cheat, she was simply a "runner", however the whole ordeal hit me for 6.

Anyway I did a lot of counselling, accepted my part in things, learned to be responsible for my own happiness, reconciled my childhood etc. I ended up going into this recent recycle with a clear head, and I was cautious but with an open mind to things. I should add that every time she has "run" she's ended up coming back on her own within a couple of weeks to a month.

We had 3 good months, then the telltale signs began. It was funny actually how I seem to have developed a 6th sense for these things. She cancelled a date at the last minute but wanted to talk on the phone, so we had a 2 hour loving phonecall, she was talking of our future together, going on vacation etc, all would seem well on the surface, but after the call I went outside and couldn't shake this feeling that something was off. Anyway I then don't hear from her for 4 days, so i call her and she answers but had to go quickly because her mum was calling. She said she'd call back but didn't.

Didn't hear for 2 days, and then tried calling, no answer and no returned call.

I know the script at this stage so it's over. If I let her, i'd probably hear from her in a month and get an apology and excuses about stress etc but i'm not going down that road again. I have a date set up for tomorrow night with a Non who i've made friends with and I know is keen, she's a cool girl and very attractive so i'm looking forward to that.

As for my BPD, well I had my couple of days of being depressed, but the self work i did before carried over, at the end of the day, i can't change her, if she wanted to be with me she'd make some sort of effort to communicate, but nah. And theres no way on god's green earth i'm going to run after her so I guess that's it. I think we all know that you can't change their minds once they devalue you. your pretty much done until the mind swings back the other way. I made the date with another girl because I deserve to be happy and after 18 months of putting my life on hold for my BPD, I deserve someone to treat me as well as I treat them, I just hope BPD doesn't find out about it because i don't even want to deal with the jealousy and her suddenly wanting me back (this has been a pattern when I make friends with other girls while shes gone)

I guess the advice I have is whatever situation you are in, continue doing self work, I carried it on even during my recycle, and it's spared me what would have been true misery right now if i'd not been prepared, i'm sad, i'm dissapointed, but i'm not soul destroyed, i'm not angry, she is what she is, it's nothing to do with me and theres nothing i can do about it. I hope she stays safe, and somedays gets herself right.

Disagree.

The BPD holds the power / control of the relationship.  They decide when it is over, and they decide if a return is emotionally viable.

The non is nothing more than a human doormat, until the non has the capacity to realize the behavior patterns of the BPD will not change. 

Good for you, OP, in choosing to be over.  i only wish I acted as such in a quicker time span.

A borderline needs to be in control in a relationship because it makes the conflicting fears of abandonment and engulfment easier to tolerate, and that control can be overt or covert, but control nonetheless.

People only have as much control over us as we give them.  If we gave a borderline a lot of power a big chunk of detaching is taking our power back.

I also have to disagree. The fundamental problem with a push and pull cycle is not the act itself, but when a pwBPD distances herself, literally anything can happen behind your back.

She (patientandclear) may be wrong, guys.  You may be right.  We don't know.

The real question is what kind of men (or women) are we?  

We have learned a lot of bad habits in these relationships and they seem sensible in our hurt world, but put this stuff out into the healthy world (the one we are aiming at) and it plays like emotional immaturity.

A healthy man has the strength to let it play out without falling apart or getting defensive or running to another women.  

What's the cost? Two weeks of time? This will be clear, soon enough.

There is no question that the evasive behavior is concerning. It could be terminal.  It could be just a person being overwhelmed.  Of course, if the act itself (being evasive) is something we can't (or don't want to) handle, then we can maturely exit the relationship, cleanse, and then start over without this person in our life.

Remember reading all the posts about BPD partners getting jealous and presuming all kinds of bad behavior of members because something was a bit off?  We are very critical when we see that.  Its clingy, insecure, immature, and mostly a turn off that pushes us away.

We know it not cool.  Let's not adopt that thinking.

We have developed a lot of bad habits.  Let's shed them.

How do you maturely exit a relationship when the other person simply disappears on you? Mature people don't simply go blank on somebody, not after months or years seeing each other. If I had a few dates with a girl and she disappeared, I wouldn't mind, although even then a simple "hey, doesn't work for me" would be a good way to resolve it. But to get a treatment like that from somebody who you have seen for months, especially the second time around? We are in 2015, there are a ton of ways to get in touch with each other and say "Hey, gotta have some 'me' time for a few days. Don't worry, nothing is wrong, I just gotta do a few things" When somebody just disappears without any notice and then doesn't return the communication, it is a done deal 99 times out 100.

Skip I get what you are saying about decency etc.

This girl asked me on a date last weekend because I was saying it looked like my rs was over but I said no as I had to try sort things out.

I texted twice during the week to no response,  then it got to Thursday night and I decided to call BPD and if she didn't answer or respond then it'd be the end and I'd call the other girl the next day and ask her on a date.

I got no answer or response.

My BPD has been posting on Instagram and snapchat and she looks quite happy. I could tell her I'm going on a date to get her attention but why? I have to trigger her abandonment issues just to talk to me?

Nah, it's done.

When she devalues she "goes missing" and ceases all contact.  Not a rager or abuser like some BPDs she's a waif, quiet borderline who fears conflict so she just vanishes.  Poof.  Gone in a puff of smoke.

Then about a month later the phone vibrates twice,  you look at the screen and it says "I miss you" , and the whole cycle begins again.

The first time it happened it almost melted my brain.

This time... .it is what it is.  No point being angry,  I knew what I was risking and took the plunge again so oh well.

It's a shame because she can be a wonderful person but she can't get past her own demons, so I have to look after me now.

Honestly I'm not sure.

I was I guess you could say "cautious" of the whole engulfment problem,  in as much as I tried to make sure we both had a fair amount of space,  but at the same time being there if she needed me. I wanted to take things slow to start,  go on one or two dates a week and slowly rebuild, but you can imagine she wanted a lot more than that.  I was aware that this was a bad thing as she was drawing self esteem from the relationship. So the best thing I could do was try to keep things level and approach with maturity.  Truth be told the whole thing was an explosion of red flags which I now knew were just not healthy.  Regardless I gave it my best because I do love that little Muppet. 

At the end of these things anger is unproductive, I feel bad for her, I wish she could get past things but you can only do that yourself, I had to and it was rewarding. My whole BPD experience had a lot of positives and forced me to grow up and take responsibility for myself.  I'm not the same person I was first time round,  so this time all I feel is sadness and dissapontment.  But it's not like the codependent self implosion from last year.

She's being herself, you're being yourself.

Choices. Personal growth can continue growing.

How will you respond when she contacts you?

I hope your coping better this time. You know what to expect next time I suppose then if that's what you want.

Mine too Sun, and ultimately it's unreliable.  I can't be in a relationship with unreliable.

I've heard a relationship described as two people stepping into the fire with each other.  Not the most empowering metaphor but appropriate sometimes: it may get hot in here, but both people know without question that the other one won't leave, no matter what, along with fighting fair when disagreements arise and working towards a resolution.  What it looked like with her was she was constantly afraid I would leave and I was constantly tolerating her leaving, if only emotionally; untended fire leaves everyone burned.

FH2H, That analogy may be apt for a normal r/s, but was not my experience in a long-term marriage to a pwBPD.  The premise that one won't leave no matter what is misplaced, I think, when abuse enters into the picture.  I was committed and took my marriage vows seriously, and it nearly destroyed me in a marriage to a pwBPD.  Plus, a raging pwBPD does not fight fair, in my experience.

LuckyJim

Hey FH2H, Well, I care too much about myself these days to get into an abusive situation again.   Toughest lesson I ever learned and had to learn it the hard way.  I'm a strong person, but BPD proved stronger.  I have vowed never to repeat so Hell #2 is not an option for me!

LJ