Seeking Advice

[satahal]

My pwBPD and I made plans for tonight. We had a nice night last night - pleasant dinner and family time. He was in an upbeat mood - the first in a few weeks as he's adjusting to my new use of SET and validation.

He got ticked off because I asked him to roll over (as I always do) when he was snoring. He said something about sleeping in the other room but ended up going back to bed. He left very early this morning (sure sign he's angry) and then sent an email saying he didn't want to go out tonight, that I should ask a friend as he and I no longer have fun together.

Basically if we have any bad days he globalizes it. If we don't have sex for a week - it's "this relationship is dead. We never have sex anymore," etc.

He called and said he wanted to be pick up the event tickets to give them to someone else and I said "ok, I was looking forward to going but it's fine if you would rather not." We ended up into yet another conversation about our relationship, with him interrogating me on my feelings for him, etc.

He has manipulated me into that same conversation at least 3 times in the past 4-5 days. What should I do? Is this just an extinction burst that will pass? Am I doing something wrong that's making him unable to get past his anxiety?

[once removed]

keep thinking baby steps forward, and sometimes big steps backward 

im not sure its a stretch to say some pwBPD literally fear peace and quiet - it can make them wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. so the fact that you had a good and peaceful night could have been as much a part of it as asking him to roll over because he was snoring.

can you elaborate on this:

"We ended up into yet another conversation about our relationship, with him interrogating me on my feelings for him, etc.

He has manipulated me into that same conversation at least 3 times in the past 4-5 days."

how do these conversations start? how do they go?

[satahal]

Hi OR.

The conversations start usually under some pretense - like he's picking up the tickets to give away - then he says, "Can I just ask you one thing…" Then it's, "Where do you see this relationship going? You're cold to me. Are you seeing someone else? I don't think you still love me…" It goes round and round and round.

Lately, it's a lot about "why are you treating me this way?", which refers to using SET and validation, and not arguing. He re-asks the same questions. It's as if he forgot my answer. If I say, "I just answered that" he asks that I tell him "just one more time". It's never just one more time - it's ten, it's twenty, it's until I yell for him to stop or leave.

When I used to get mad at him he would ask if I wanted him to stay or go and he would literally ask this 20 or more times until I could get him out the door or to bed under threat of being booted for good. And even at that he'd wake up and start all over again - after 3-4 days it would taper off.

He's very uncomfortable when things are peaceful. I think that's why even when there's no specific worry for him he needles me constantly - getting a JADE reaction is calming to him or even amusing at times. It's like getting a rise out of me reassures him that I love him. Being content terrifies him.

Problem is - I'm a low conflict person - I don't like bantering and play-arguing, ribbing people or being ribbed constantly - let alone having the days long knock down drag-outs he engages in - I find it intensely uncomfortable. I'm just miserable.

[satahal]

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well - there's multiple things going on - there's the minute by minute needling provocations designed to test me for how much I care. If I don't argue back or respond defensively to some accusation or provocation - I obviously am having an affair or I'm cold. If I'm willing to go toe to toe he's decided all systems are go and everything hums along- only I feel like I just got worked over - it's really hard for me to constantly be attacked and accused of not caring about him because I forgot to get more milk or whatever.

Then there's the mode where he's in a full blown episode and can barely function becomes he thinks abandonment is in the offing, which describes the last two weeks. He doesn't sleep well, he calls incessantly, he pops in and out all day cornering me for answers.

At times we may come to what I think or hope is a resolution but it doesn't sit well with him until there's fireworks - until it gets very, very ugly - yelling, break up threats. That calms him at least initially then he flares again in a day or so and this can take a little while to taper. Sometimes he decides he's upset because we haven't had sex and I'll comply to restore the peace - which it usually does more or less.

[once removed]

on the contrary, youre explaining yourself very well!

i think i get it. i dealt with similar lines of questioning, usually related to whether or not i was cheating. the "can i just ask you one thing" gave me some flashbacks .

" He re-asks the same questions. It's as if he forgot my answer. If I say, "I just answered that" he asks that I tell him "just one more time". It's never just one more time - it's ten, it's twenty, it's until I yell for him to stop or leave."

im not an expert in this department, and you know your relationship better than i do, so ill try to tread lightly. does he more or less knock it off when you tell him to stop or leave? i think theres a balance between actively reassuring, and cutting it off when youre exhausted, because it does sound like hes getting something out of this constant line of questioning. and it sounds to me like youre walking that balance really well. it sounds like he still wants a reaction, and as youve adapted, hes trying new methods, incessantly, to get it.

its incredibly exhausting and i understand why you would feel miserable 

i dont mean to be redundant, but i really do think youre handling this exceptionally well, and doing the right thing, and i think the results so far, to some extent, are to be expected. the hope is that it will taper off, and i suspect that it will.

are you also getting time to yourself? do you have ways/places you can relax? this is going to require a tremendous amount of patience to see it through, and the ability to recharge your batteries is crucial.

[once removed]

hey samanthal, i was just reading your other thread on 'when youre angry' and it gave me a lot more insight on your back story and situation. if i can add to my previous post, are these problems still ongoing and is it still your goal to leave?

[satahal]

does he more or less knock it off when you tell him to stop or leave? i think theres a balance between actively reassuring, and cutting it off when you're exhausted, because it does sound like hes getting something out of this constant line of questioning.

He doesn't immediately go or stop - really it has to be to a place where I'm saying and meaning "This relationship is over if you don't stop immediately or leave." It's almost as if he wants to take things to this place. He wants to be dumped, then to beg his way back in. It's cathartic. It's like he has to uncover every possible gripe I could have to hedge his bets against abandonment. It's beyond draining and gross to fight like that.

Now, I'm just not letting it get to the screaming, call the police level of insanity but maybe not cutting it off soon enough either. It startles me when he just shows up in the middle of the day when I'm expecting him to be at work and it's invasive and suffocating.

are these problems still ongoing and is it still your goal to leave?

Of yes, ongoing - he's at the tail end of a two week tear. Yesterday was drama-city all day. We finally went to a show last night after he called it off at least 4-5 times. We had a pleasant start to the evening and then we ran into my best client - my most lucrative client and he turned into a sulking teenager - I was mortified. He turned his back to my client and his group and refused to participate in the conversation. When someone addressed him directly, he responded with his back turned. Ugh - just horrid. So far today he's mostly controlling himself - a few moments he started up and then reeled himself in. I can say for sure if I don't have sex with him tonight (the last thing I want to do but his perceived reward for calming down) all hell will break lose.

I want out with every fiber of my being. I don't love him anymore. I don't like him even but financially I'm not there. And, my son adores him. I had been planning on waiting until my son is out of high school in 3 yrs but it's unlikely I'll make it that long - so I'm hoping my finances are in order in the next 6 months. I still don't feel 100% committed to crushing my kid - he's disabled, his bio dad is mostly out of his life (a good thing) - part of me still believes I should stay in until he's more in his own life than the family unit but I can't imagine it's possible.

are you also getting time to yourself? do you have ways/places you can relax?

Thanks for asking. I do get time to myself to an extent. On good days I get to the gym. On bad days I'm eating cheetos and playing solitaire on my phone because I'm too anxious to do much else.

How can you be healthy and functional when you're trying to maintain a relationship with someone so needy and high-maintenance? Is that even possible? I can be productive in fits and starts - when things are relatively calm. That only lasts for so long - then we have a stretch of bad behavior, my anxiety spikes and my lovely routine goes out the window. I suppose I need more self-discipline.

[once removed]

i apologize. your back story tells me a great deal more. ive been approaching this from the perspective that you wish to improve the relationship overall, long term, and it sounds more like you wish to stop the bleeding and manage the situation until youre able to leave, do i have that right?

it doesnt make a TON of difference, the advice is still generally the same, but the back story gives me a lot more to work with and understand.

i also still think youre handling the situation exceptionally. im just sorry its all come to this. youre going through a lot, and pretty constantly, with little to no relief, and some cases getting worse.

i do have two thoughts. you say you dont like him or love him, which i can understand, i got to that point (and i also understand it doesnt mean youre not hurting or not susceptible to hurting from his actions). i think that makes it far harder to reassure him. youre not just detaching and changing the relationship, youve emotionally exited. as you know, a person with BPD is hyper vigilant about abandonment. im not sure he can be reassured or convinced no matter how you say it or how many times. i had a different ex once who was getting bored and distant on me, and i suddenly became pretty anxious and needed reassurance. i didnt find it convincing when she gave it to me. so id ask for more. this, obviously, being a more extreme situation, but my point being that a reasonable person can sense this. you probably already know that. if your plan is to leave in six months, it may simply be time to change strategies in around three or so.

my other thought is that you mentioned hes got a porn addiction and contacting escort services, so some of his lines of questioning may also be projection.

do i have it right that youre living apart? modifying this dynamic, of him showing up in the middle of the day and startling you, with boundaries, may be helpful in giving you more space. you can try limiting the communication overall too, but it sounds like youve done some of that.

i agree it doesnt sound like you can take three more years of this. it sounds like its taking a huge toll on you. i was aware my relationship was taking a toll on me, but i underestimated it; i was used to it. i was essentially living on adrenaline. when the relationship suddenly ended, it effected me physically, all kinds of stuff surfaced. we get conditioned to the stress and adrenaline. so it makes perfect sense to me that it feels impossible to relax, let alone be healthy and functional. im talking whatever you can do, whenever you can do it, big or small. going to the gym, and eating cheetos and playing solitaire all count .

mainly, my heart really goes out to you   . i can really feel your pain, and your utter exhaustion. i really admire your perseverance; youve done incredible self work while managing this, and i think that will be both more noticeable, and of immeasurable use further down the road.

hang in there. we are here for you at every step.

[satahal]

Thank you so very much for your kind and encouraging words OR. It helps so much to feel understood.

you say you don't like him or love him, which i can understand, i got to that point (and i also understand it doesnt mean youre not hurting or not susceptible to hurting from his actions). i think that makes it far harder to reassure him.

Yep, absolutely. He's hyper-vigilant as you said and even someone w/o BPD is going to pick up on an emotionally checked-out partner, so I guess I can't expect this to be sustainable.

Last night I couldn't force myself to be intimate (sorry if this is tmi). He started to melt so I admitted I wanted out of the r/s. It was a calm-ish exchange. I think on some level he's probably relieved to have what he's been sensing validated. I was very, very honest with - that I was only staying because of my son. He gets that he's a nightmare to live with. He gets that his behavior is intolerable. He doesn't blame me for wanting out and he's frustrated with himself.

Of course, he begged to continue and I gave him some new boundaries around giving me space, not monitoring my words and actions constantly, etc. We've been down this road before. I know he will revert back to his behavior - I'm realistic. I just hope I get a month of peace out of this and maybe one or two boundaries that actually stick if we are to continue - historically these events bring some lasting changes, however insufficient ultimately.

do i have it right that youre living apart?

He lives with me but hasn't given up his own house (thank you thank you thank you fear of engulfment). Moving him out won't even involve a tiny u-haul as he keeps 99% of his possessions, clothes, etc at his place.

This will go on until he feels he's entitled to intimacy again - Right now, my skin crawls when he touches me but just a month ago, I was able to be physical with him on a limited basis. Something just flipped off in me and I'm not sure I can go back there. Still I'm thinking maybe with a few new boundaries I can patch this thing up - stop the bleeding as you say - until I'm ready to amputate.

He says he won't abandon my son, that he will agree to seeing him a few times a week if we split up. That would be ideal - but I can't trust him. He'd say anything right now.

i was aware my relationship was taking a toll on me, but i underestimated it; i was used to it. i was essentially living on adrenaline. when the relationship suddenly ended, it effected me physically, all kinds of stuff surfaced.

I'm curious about this - what kinds of effects did you experience and what helped you get back on your feet? What might you have done differently pre-break up to strengthen yourself?

[once removed]

well, this is a monumental, and very difficult change  

i am glad it went relatively well. i suspect it was relieving for you as it was for him. and kudos for having the courage to express yourself.

you are being very realistic. with respect to the sense of abandonment, hes consistently tested you there. it may have calmed and validated him for now, but its possible that he will sense a breakup is inevitable, and swing even more wildly back and forth, pushing the limits, in essence daring you to break up with him, while also desperately trying to prevent it, if that makes sense. of course i hope otherwise. it sounds like hed like to change; change is hard for all of us.  

"He says he won't abandon my son, that he will agree to seeing him a few times a week if we split up. That would be ideal - but I can't trust him. He'd say anything right now."

i think thats right. i hope he keeps to that.

"I'm curious about this - what kinds of effects did you experience and what helped you get back on your feet? What might you have done differently pre-break up to strengthen yourself?"

a day or two after the breakup, i had the most bizarre joint pain show up, with great difficulty walking. within half an hour to an hour of waking up, id have anxiety attacks that could last for hours. i am worried you may suffer those. one thing that helped me, immeasurably, was some supplements. really knocked off the anxiety attacks and made everything in my head feel so much smaller and more manageable. but there were daily crying spells that lasted for several months. i dont think i could have prevented any of that.

differently pre break up to strengthen myself? its hard to say, i knew nothing of BPD except that it exists and i think that would have gone a very long way in terms of knowing what to expect. the breakup came (seemingly) out of nowhere and then it was compounded by her actions, repeated shocks to my system. had i known about BPD, i dont know that id have had the strength you do, to learn and practice the tools, and to detach. i had actually detached a great deal, and it did not make me immune. there are so many shocks to the system during these relationships, many of which you have/are experiencing, and i think we become numb to them. they tend to resurface after the breakup. thats where your realistic expectations will help immeasurably, having some idea of what to expect, and knowing how to treat/take care of yourself after it happens. remember to let yourself feel; numbness is your enemy in that regard.

[satahal]

Thanks OR.

I started having episodes of hyperventilating probably in the last year - they first happened when he'd been raging for hours and now they come on much more easily. Once I woke up with it. The other day he kept asking if I loved him intermittently and I felt my breath constrict. So, yes, makes sense that anxiety attacks/hyperventilation attacks are going to continue/get worse during and after the break up. I think there's so much we hold in to keep it together - the constant vigilance to their moods - when we can let go, what comes flooding out?

What supplements did you take? I am all for stocking up on supplies for the coming days.

Thanks,

S

[once removed]

im sorry to hear about the hyperventilating  . FOG is a powerful thing.

i started with sam-e, a mood stabilizer, and passion flower, which is used to treat something called adjustment disorder, and anxiety.

sam-e is considered as effective (in many cases more) than a prescription antidepressant. it supports the nervous system, gives a sense of well being, and is also for joint pain. popular alternatives include st johns wort and 5-htp. personally, i have not taken st johns wort, and i had some bad side effects (and no gains) from 5-htp, but both have worked very well for others. sam-e took care of my joint pain, and within a few days of taking it, everything in my head was far... .smaller. my mood was more stable, i was more balanced.

passion flower really knocked out my anxiety attacks. stopped them dead when they occurred, and pretty quickly, they stopped happening altogether.

a few months down the line i tried ashwaghanda. ashwaghanda helps the body adapt to stress. this kicked in pretty quickly (a day or two) and it was a huge boost, i felt i rounded another corner.

these are natural products, and sam-e is made in your body naturally. they are not cures. in my case, i had a really difficult time succeeding in rebuilding my life, so a lot of the depression was still there. they will be of immeasurable help, relieve some tremendous burdens, but youve got to work with them. its just far easier to do if our bodies arent fighting against us. i do recommend doing your own research (i read a lot about them at the mayo clinic), and all of them may have interactions with each other, or any prescriptions; i know its a bad idea to take sam-e, st johns wort, and 5-htp together, though some combination may be okay, but again, do research.

hope this helps. any new developments? and how are you feeling?

[satahal]

Hi OR,

Thanks for the information. I have heard of these supplements but not tried any. I'm going to look into these today

No real developments. He's still feeling completely anxious but trying to manage his behavior. He triggered last night because I made a passing joke about a tv character - somehow personalized it and decided if I like x, I must hate him and I know he's always had a complex about y (not true) - after two hours - not raging, but alternating between mild anger to pouting to ignoring me he quieted down and went to sleep.

I think this is still an extinction burst. I'm no longer getting riled up or revolving my days around him. He literally can't figure out what to do with himself if he's not trading barbs with me, having sex or drinking to excess/passing out - he has no other tools for entertainment or self-soothing. So, he's suffering and he's tugging at me all day long.

Spending time companionably - talking without criticism, attacking, mean-teasing or correcting - is somewhere between dead boring and painful for him.

I have been getting to the gym and working a little but have been unable to get my productivity to a normal level in the midst of this stretch of acting out. This makes me feel like I have BPD - that I'm being ruled by my emotions - why can't I plow on despite this background noise? Today I'm planning on crafting a schedule to provide some structure and keep focused.

Everyday at some point when he's acting up, it feels like the ultimate break up could happen - I'm so completely at the end of my rope - My son asked me yesterday about some conversation he'd overheard the night before. He was worried that my partner and I were fighting - we actually hadn't been but he's clearly picking up on the tension and is worried - that was hard.

OR how are you doing? How long have you been out? Do you mind if I read your backstory?

[once removed]

before i forget, i keep failing to mention what a good idea it is to see a therapist, either now or in the future.

"This makes me feel like I have BPD - that I'm being ruled by my emotions - why can't I plow on despite this background noise?"

well, its a lot more than background noise, its a way of life. i think you are plowing on though, theres just an impossible amount to plow through. crafting a schedule is a great idea; routine, structure, they are a real life line. its sad that he lives his life that way, seemingly unable to help himself, and relying on you, for whom soothing him is essentially impossible except for trading barbs. not taking his bait is actually a very loving action. taking care of yourself as you are, is critical, and the steps you are taking show remarkable strength. i always thought the idea of a clingy partner didnt sound so bad, that *I* could manage and soothe it. then id be trying to have my much needed alone time, and id get a call from her, telling me how lonely and empty she felt. there was no soothing it. i tried with everything in me. when shed hang up, i knew she was crying. it was sad. over time it just became irritating and id feel exhausted. these relationships are a full time job, and its so crucial to take care of ourselves.

"OR how are you doing? How long have you been out? Do you mind if I read your backstory?"

im doing well, thanks for asking. ive got some ongoing medical issues, but ill be seeing an endocrinologist very soon, and ill be free . ive been out for four years (almost four and a half), and it took me a good year to feel recovered, but ive long resolved the past with regard to my ex, and a lot of (not all) my own issues. i dont mind at all if you read my back story, although ive been meaning to get around to an intro post; theres plenty of bits and pieces as i share when its relevant. not at all difficult to talk about, though ive had plenty of flashbacks and even a couple of dreams since i arrived, which goes to show how powerful this stuff is. it will always be one of the most important things that ever happened to me, but being a bit "removed" from it, i think, helps me better help others.

ive read a bit about your son in addition to what youve told me. you sound like a very loving mother. is he doing okay? its natural and loving that hed be concerned.

[satahal]

Ah you've been out awhile - thank you for being here and offering support - very, very generous of you.

i always thought the idea of a clingy partner didn't sound so bad,

How hard could it be right? And nice to feel needed but boy did I not know what I was getting myself into - I thought love would conquer all - pretty silly at my age - but it doesn't do a thing in this situation.

ive read a bit about your son in addition to what youve told me. you sound like a very loving mother. is he doing okay? its natural and loving that he'd be concerned.

Thanks for asking. My boy is doing pretty well. He has special needs so although he's 16 he feels more like 10 most of the time - except when it comes to "hot girls"  

Because of his personality and/or disability he seems to get over things rather quickly - a favorite teacher leaves or a good friend transfers schools - I worry he's going to be devastated but he never is. However when I've booted my partner (but told my son he was out of town on a work trip) or even during a real work trip - my son gets very antsy and asks a lot of question about where he is and when he's coming back. He will wait up to all hours for his return.

My partner has made him feel safe. He's helped him with his dad when his dad was abusive and was a big support to him when we returned to court and got my ex's custody stripped. They do guy things together. My son may feel like I'm not strong enough to protect and care for him alone. He certainly saw my ex-husband (his dad) push me around in many ways for years.

I also have a daughter who's 28 - she was diagnosed with BPD some months ago. Reading about BPD I realized my partner is a text-book case. My daughter manifests the disorder in a completely different way - she's a very accomplished girl who seems to think her life is a failure because her first job out of grad school didn't work out. Long story but I believe her diagnosis is accurate even if she hasn't had the chaotic relationships and rages - she's got a bunch of other symptoms. Fortunately, she's committed to recovery, has a DBT therapist and is trying - not any drastic changes but it's early.

I worry that my break up would destabilize her a bit - but she's in another country and I can realistically keep it from her for as long as I need to. She barely gives her brother the time of day so I don't anticipate they will talk about it.

Therapy - ugh - I'm not a big therapy fan to be honest. I always get to the point where I run out of things to say and it just peters out. I think perhaps I've gotten stuck because I was in this relationship and could only make so much progress without ending the thing. I know where this pain is coming from but I don't do what I need to do. Also, I had no idea I was dealing with BPD. I suppose I might look for a BPD specialist.

[once removed]

it does sound like your son is pretty resilient, but if your partner makes him feel safe and is a father figure, it makes sense that his absence would make him pretty antsy.

never too late to get a diagnosis, and twenty eight is still pretty young. im glad shes getting treatment and committed to it too. with BPD being on a spectrum, its very possible your daughter stands a good chance at seeing her recovery through. im also sorry to hear she doesnt give her brother much attention. its possible that doing so is difficult for her, not that that makes it any better.

choosing the right therapist is a process. you also sound pretty self aware, so it makes sense to me that you run out of things to say and feel stuck. i agree that a BPD specialist might be a better fit for you. im considering seeing a therapist in the relatively near future, and even though im not in a relationship with a disordered partner (or any for that matter) im strongly considering finding a therapist with, at least, a fair amount of knowledge about personality disorders in general. even though a good therapist will keep the focus on you, they may have a better idea of where youre coming from and where you want to go, and relate better overall.

[satahal]

OR, Thanks for not scolding me for being therapy resistant  I need to search - they all say they treat everything so I'll have to dig around for a true expert in BPD.

My daughter has been highly functional for the majority of her life, if very negative and having problematic behaviors i.e. cutting. I'm praying her work-ethic is going to make the difference and get her past the diagnosis.

My partner had a total melt down last light - which culminated in him feeling dizzy and falling and, he claims, hitting his head on the bed frame on the way down (I saw no evidence whatsoever of any bruise or lump or red mark on his head, nor did I hear him hit the floor). At any rate he was sobbing (something he's never done) and just falling apart. He'd been caught lying about drinking (again). I have a boundary around him driving after he's been drinking with my son in the car.

Luckily he had therapy today and seems to be calmed down. His therapist advised him to give me space - thankfully.

I may post a new thread with more about this incident.

im considering seeing a therapist in the relatively near future, and even though I'm not in a relationship with a disordered partner (or any for that matter) im strongly considering finding a therapist with, at least, a fair amount of knowledge about personality disorders in general.

Are you still processing the r/s or working on other issues (not to pry - please excuse me if that's invasive)?

[once removed]

"My daughter has been highly functional for the majority of her life, if very negative and having problematic behaviors i.e. cutting. I'm praying her work-ethic is going to make the difference and get her past the diagnosis."

picking up on what you mentioned, every pwBPD is different. from what i know about dbt (not an expert), it really works at positive coping methods, and changing the negative ones, including cutting and has a high success rate. still, thats frightening and heartbreaking for a mother to witness  . im praying with you .

really sorry to hear about the meltdown. one of the articles here, i believe its the evolution of a BPD relationship, mentions these kinds of ailments. i experienced quite a few myself. some were blamed on me. impossible for me to fully form a take on whats going on there, except that to the pwBPD they are very real. its really sad that hes falling apart; i think youre doing all that you can. its indescribably difficult, but its both wise and loving to let him experience this. hes in therapy - thats where he needs to be. definitely post a thread on it if you wish, and ill be glad to participate.

"Are you still processing the r/s or working on other issues (not to pry - please excuse me if that's invasive)?"

on the contrary, youre kind to ask, and its not at all invasive; to some extent its a membership requirement that we all share . ill admit im self conscious about suggesting that ive fully processed the relationship. it begs the question of why im here. for starters, ive liked psychology since ninth grade and i think BPD and its effects on loved ones will always fascinate me. i was watching a scholarly video on it moments before i came here. second, bpdfamily is in my opinion one of the worlds greatest places to work on yourself. the fact of the matter is i have a pattern of unhealthy relationships, even undesired ones. that pattern includes going against my own values. a lot of it can be summed up with the term "low self efficacy". my enforcement of boundaries could use work. learning some of the communication techniques here has improved my relationships across the board, and i think thats invaluable with regard to future romantic relationships. we are the only ones we can change, and accepting both that, and people, the world, as they are (radical acceptance), can yield serious results. as for why im considering seeing a therapist: truth be told, the ongoing medical issues have crippled my life for the last ten years. ive been mostly unable to build the kind of life i want post breakup. i finally have diagnoses, which include hyperthyroidism and two herniated discs in my back (which refuse to heal because of the hyperthyroidism). i finally found a doctor i love, and im going to be treated within a couple of weeks, and frankly, its going to be a huge adjustment for me. im going to have a great deal of catching up to do in the process. i think therapy would be conducive to that, but it doesnt make much sense for me to see one in the midst of ongoing medical problems that have such a huge grip on every aspect of my life. hope that makes sense

[satahal]

Thank you OR.

Your very generous to share your experiences and support.

I am also finding that the skills I'm learning here are valuable across the board in all relationships I have.

You must be relieved to finally have a diagnosis and a plan for moving forward. I can't imagine the struggle you've had not having your health intact for ten years.

My heart goes out to you.