Back on this wonderful site. Needing some advice.

[somuchlove]

 

It has been quite a long time since I have been here.  I have to say that things have been going well for my BPD dd. ( not officially diagnosed)  She has moved, closer to us 8 hrs. living where she loves to be.  Her outlook on life has gotten much better, her kids are doing well.  She struggles with making enough to live on, which we are helping her, struggles with her crazy ex. ( father of her 2 oldest) and has little contact with her youngest's family.  Which is a good thing.

My struggle is she still has very low self esteem, says she hates herself, can't stand to look at herself and takes a conversation about something and turns the words into much worse.  Her brain just can't take what is said and sort it into anything but negative.  She is struggling with what job she should do for the best for her family, her ex doing crazy things, which aren't safe for her kids but the lawyer says it is hard to prove and get full custody. 

It has been a long time since I got a phone call like I got this morning.  It sounded like the kind I use to get a 5-6 yrs ago.  She was reeling.  I tried to listen, knowing that is how she feels and see things.  She brought up things from so long ago as if they just happened. 

I tried tovalidate. 

What do I do?  I just get so frustrated because if I say that is not What I said,  or even sound like I am not siding with her she gets so angry.  I tried to reflect back to her,  ask her what I could do.  She said oh it doesn't matter,  It is just my fault, crazy crazy me.  Never anyone else s.  Oh I just want to tell her to get over it,  She throws things like, I know you think I am bi polar,  I just want to say, no I haven't said that but is that what you think?  I could just help her organize her thoughts, write down a plan, she could see that she is in a pretty good spot right now,  It is like she just can't allow herself to be happy. 

I have read quite some time ago a bunch of books.  I guess I need to go back.  I can see where she pushes those that mean the most to her away. 

Do I approach things sometime when she isn't going crazy with all of her stuff?  Boy she ask for help but sure doesn't want to hear.  I know she is just looking for validation. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi somuchlove, long time no see dear!


I'm glad to hear that your d has been much improved.  Slumps are going to occur.

She wants to vent... .can you listen in the moment without judgment?  I know it is hard... .fear creeps into our minds... .what if this is the first step in a downward spiral back to the way things were?... .etc... .

When she wants to vent and is projecting onto you try not to personalize her remarks (hard I know).  If you were not "safe" to vent to she would not have called you.  It is tempting to go into problem solving mode... .if she would just see how much better things are now... .how can I help her see?... .she could write it all down in a comparison chart... .how can I get her to do that?... .Why can't she look on the bright side... .have a more positive mental attitude?... .

When we are thinking about problem solving we are not fully present in the moment and sincere validation is difficult.  It's natural to want to defend ourselves when our words or intentions get twisted and thrown back at us.  It's a trap we don't want to fall into because it is a no win situation. 

How much you can tolerate and validate is up to you.  We want to be supportive and validating and we don't want to be verbally abused. Each of us have a different threshold or limit on what we will accept based on our skills and ability to practice them on any given day.

What skills might you need to practice more affectively or consistently to relieve your distress when your daughter is unloading on you?  It would be preferable that she not unload on you or anyone nor feel the need to.  That is not a reasonable expectation of pwBPD.  We work where we have the power... .with self.



lbj

[somuchlove]

As usual  nice grounded advice.  I need to brush up on things. It is hard not to caught up on trying to put things in a perspective for them to understand.  And yes, how much better their life would be, less heart ache if they would only be able to process things differently. 

Is there a time that might be good to visit with them about choices, ideas we might have to help.  Sometimes she will call with a really good plan, what she wants to do, or thinks she could do.  I try to again listen.  However, sometimes I can't always by everything but reflect back to her.  Man she can twist and then she gets off on something , especially if she senses I am not completely good with it.  Man if I give an inch of suggestion she is off and running,  how she is awful, hates herself, horrible, and her family all feels that way.  Oh how I wish I could get through to her that her family, siblings don't think the way she thinks they do. 

Nice to always have this site.  I hope to try to get on more and read.   Any suggestions , I am always interested. 

[lbjnltx]

As usual  nice grounded advice.

Have I become predictable over all these years somuchlove? 

  I need to brush up on things. It is hard not to caught up on trying to put things in a perspective for them to understand.

Use skills or lose skills.  I have to brush up too.  One way that helps me do that is to talk to others and share what skills will work... .reminds me of them and their efficacy and pulls them out of the old dusty files in the back of my brain! 

  And yes, how much better their life would be, less heart ache if they would only be able to process things differently.

We can help them by leading by example, modeling these skills and leading them to their own solutions. 

Is there a time that might be good to visit with them about choices, ideas we might have to help.  Sometimes she will call with a really good plan, what she wants to do, or thinks she could do.  I try to again listen.  However, sometimes I can't always by everything but reflect back to her.  Man she can twist and then she gets off on something , especially if she senses I am not completely good with it.  Man if I give an inch of suggestion she is off and running,  how she is awful, hates herself, horrible, and her family all feels that way.  Oh how I wish I could get through to her that her family, siblings don't think the way she thinks they do. 

Nice to always have this site.  I hope to try to get on more and read.   Any suggestions , I am always interested. 

She is very sensitive to the slightest hint of disapproval or questioning of her ideas, solutions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc... .

Here is a link to some info that will help you know how to respond after/during validation:

Poll: The power of validating questions

Give it a try next time she is presenting you with problems or situations she is wanting to be different.  Remember, the goal is for her to reach her own resolutions and your role is to listen, understand, validate, and ask questions that lead her towards her own solutions.




lbj

[somuchlove]

  lbj  Predictable, maybe, but Right,  YES.

I believe that you know what works and I so wish I could keep all this information in my head and use it more.  You are right.  It takes practice and how easy they can involve you in the conversation in that they are talking rational and might understand, until something is said that sets them off and Yicks,  You realize you still have to go back and following what you know to be right. 

I will read the information you included.