I'm just so confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 a few weeks ago I told her (My ex) that I couldn't deal with her being with anyone else, and how we both thought it would be a better idea to take some distance from each other,because I could never deal with her being with someone else. She continued speaking to me almost daily after I made that request. She has told me a lot of times and even today still that in the future she wants to live together with me go on holidays and trips together and all that stuff(as friends), but she also at times says that she wants to get a boyfriend (I'm female) and that she still wants me in her life. I have tried the ultimatum of all or nothing, but then she tells me how much she misses me , needs me in her life (as just a friend) and even how she thinks she'd die without me or would kill herself. I am trying to be her friend, and I do want her to be happy even if that's with someone else. I just don't know how and if I can deal with that. She says to me a thousand times a day that she is "straight" and wants a boyfriend. I just don't understand why she would even want to live together and go on holidays together when she knows I still love her, and when she knows that I can't deal with that. She literally says a thousand times a day that she is straight, I'm straight, It's almost insulting to me. She even tries to set me up with other females, and then whenever a female pays attention to me goes ahead and asks "what is she saying to you?" " are you talking to blabla?"

Sometimes she tells me she could never be together with anyone because she's messed up, how she can't be with me because I love her too much , tells me she'd kill herself if I wouldn't be in her life as her friend anymore, That she wants to live together with me and everything. We live far apart so she calls me for multiple hours a day on skype and texts me when she isn't at home. She even gets upset when I say " You're just my friend, That's none of my business" Whenever she talks about a guy. She says I'm being passive aggressive and pretending I don't care when really I do? 

And at other times she sits flirting with guys in my presence, even tells me about it. Then goes on a rant saying she is straight, how she wants a boyfriend, and how she hopes I'll still be her friend and even friends with her boyfriend if that happens. Sometimes doesn't speak to me for days and randomly just seems annoyed and frustrated at the smallest things I say.

In the past I would've thought this means she must still have feelings for me but after hearing all the I'm straight and I want a boyfriend, and even trying to get me to like other girls I just don't know what any of this means anymore, I just really don't   


ps: I have read all the lessons and I'm really trying to validate her and not upset her while still holding on to my own opinions and feelings, I just don't know where to go from here.

[sadanddestroyed]

 a few weeks ago I told her (My ex) that I couldn't deal with her being with anyone else, and how we both thought it would be a better idea to take some distance from each other,because I could never deal with her being with someone else. She continued speaking to me almost daily after I made that request. She has told me a lot of times and even today still that in the future she wants to live together with me go on holidays and trips together and all that stuff(as friends), but she also at times says that she wants to get a boyfriend (I'm female) and that she still wants me in her life. I have tried the ultimatum of all or nothing, but then she tells me how much she misses me , needs me in her life (as just a friend) and even how she thinks she'd die without me or would kill herself. I am trying to be her friend, and I do want her to be happy even if that's with someone else. I just don't know how and if I can deal with that. She says to me a thousand times a day that she is "straight" and wants a boyfriend. I just don't understand why she would even want to live together and go on holidays together when she knows I still love her, and when she knows that I can't deal with that. She literally says a thousand times a day that she is straight, I'm straight, It's almost insulting to me. She even tries to set me up with other females, and then whenever a female pays attention to me goes ahead and asks "what is she saying to you?" " are you talking to blabla?"

Sometimes she tells me she could never be together with anyone because she's messed up, how she can't be with me because I love her too much , tells me she'd kill herself if I wouldn't be in her life as her friend anymore, That she wants to live together with me and everything. We live far apart so she calls me for multiple hours a day on skype and texts me when she isn't at home. She even gets upset when I say " You're just my friend, That's none of my business" Whenever she talks about a guy. She says I'm being passive aggressive and pretending I don't care when really I do? 

And at other times she sits flirting with guys in my presence, even tells me about it. Then goes on a rant saying she is straight, how she wants a boyfriend, and how she hopes I'll still be her friend and even friends with her boyfriend if that happens. Sometimes doesn't speak to me for days and randomly just seems annoyed and frustrated at the smallest things I say.

In the past I would've thought this means she must still have feelings for me but after hearing all the I'm straight and I want a boyfriend, and even trying to get me to like other girls I just don't know what any of this means anymore, I just really don't   


ps: I have read all the lessons and I'm really trying to validate her and not upset her while still holding on to my own opinions and feelings, I just don't know where to go from here.

[apollotech]

Sometimes she tells me she could never be together with anyone because she's messed up, how she can't be with me because I love her too much, tells me she'd kill herself if I wouldn't be in her life as her friend anymore... .

Hi S&:) (I hope we can help change those feelings here!),

I am sorry that you are in this dilemma with your friend. The push/pull behavior that you're experiencing is very confusing and painful. Many of us on the boards have been in your shoes. You'll find answers, understanding, and help on this site. Welcome!

A few things here. You are caught up in her words; you are repeating over and over again in your OP "she says" in one form or another. The truth lies in her actions, not her words. The push/pull dynamic is not your fault; although, she is blaming it on you (you love her too much).

One thing that I would indeed take her at her word on is the I can't be in a relationship because I'm messed up. When someone tells us who/what they are, we should listen. I'd also say that her suicide threat is an attempt at blackmailing you into a friendship. You are not responsible for her, her feelings, or her actions. You are responsible for yourself and your actions; that includes taking care of yourself in all of this.