She Thrives on my Anxiety

[MammaMia]

Infiniteyes

I am sorry the drama continues.  Many SW's and mental health professionals are too quick to judge a parent's abilities to cope with a dysregulated child.  It is so much easier to place blame on Mom or Dad than it is to investigate and find the real issues.  Some tend to stereotype us.

You know how hard you have tried to help DD, so don't let them derail your efforts.  Many who deal with our children do not see the real picture... .but only what a child in denial sees.  Honestly, they should be trained to evaluate each situation with no preconceived conclusions. 

Stand your ground.  Do not take misdirected comments personally.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hello All   Its Been quite a while probably about 2 years since I first posted on here! Ive been reading everyones posts in that time. However I suppose I hadnt felt the need to post myself... .Until now! Im not going to blather on about the rollercoaster that has been the last 2 years with my DD now 16 in a couple of weeks!

Except to say she completed a DBT Course (outpatient) and has been accepting tremendous support from a number of different avenues, CAHMs, her psycholgist, youth worker and most importantly myself!

Yes I have been there through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad. I devoted myself to her recovery.

Unfortunately, as a single mother to DD16 and DD4, doing this on my own has left me a shadow of my former self.

Her father is involved but from a distance and had barely any involvement in her treatment.

To cut a long story short, she was doing well for a long time. When i sayd doing well, I mean staying in school (just about and with constant support), learning to regualate her emotions better. She finished her junior cycle in june and will be starting her senior cycle in Sept.

In the last 4 or 5 months since the services have been slowly been pulling away and since I have been using the tools I was taught to encourage her to regulate herself with only a little support from me, instead of regulating her ALL the time as I was doing, her BPD has reared its ugly head once again. I should mention she was diagnosed emerging BPD at 14 years old.

I have been left with an anxiety disorder from this whole business. One which I never had before. Nor symptoms of. I went from on outgoing friendly person to a nervous wreck who can barely leave the house.

The most heartbreaking part for me?

My DD does not care, could not care less. In fact it has come to my attention over the last few days in particular that she WANTS me to be like this and would PREFER if i never recoverd.

I couldnt fit into one post the dramas and circuses of the past two years. But the latest involves her going out all night, getting drunk, smoking weed. The company she keeps leaves a lot to be desired. And in the last 2 weeks she has slept with 2 differnt boys (brothers I might add) and had a pregnancy scare. She was on the pill but only for a month and Dr said it might not be effective so soon.

She thrives on the attention, even her psychologist agreed. The dr who did her pregnancy test today, said to me she seems "quite challenging" after having only met her for ten minutes.

I was meant to have my first counselling session this morning to start seeking help for my anxiety ( i weaned myself off my meds 2 weeks ago  ) But my DD totally sabotaged it, being up first thing this morning to book a drs appt for her "pregnancy scare" and then going to see her psychologist, having "forgotten" about my appointment and telling me ":)ont go, if you dont want to" And she got her way. I was so anxious about the result of her test,( it was a negative TG but i didnt know that yet) that I missed my appt.

What Im really curious about and my reason for re-posting is to find out if any other members have become burned out from caring for their pwBPD and how have they reacted to that? 

In a word. YES! I too have been having tremendous anxiety lately and I too weaned myself off of medication that was making me irritable on top of it.  It's extremely callenging and draining.  But know you are not alone.

[raytamtay3]

Well DD16 has been at her Dads for 10 days now... .When I say "at her Dads" she has spent barely anytime there since the first couple of days... She has met up with her friend from down there and 2 boys and they have been drinking and god knows what else for the last 5 days. I have had no contact with her whatsoever only from what her Dad has been telling me and from the pics on instagram, facebook etc. Pics of her lying in bed with this boy, fully clothed i should say    but with love bites all over and i mean ALL OVER her neck. She seems to wear them like a badge of honour.

In the last 10 days I have had some respite. I have been put on different meds since my last ones were not working for me at all. I am still anxious and depressed but can see a light at the end of the tunnel, regards my self only.

So the social workers landed at my door unannounced today, to see how we are getting on.

While they were here, DD's dad called to say that she was refusing to come home. So that he was going to call the police.

I dont like my new social worker. She is very snooty and looks at me with disgust, telling me it is unacceptable that I dont know the exact whereabouts of my daughter. Eh, hello, she 150 miles away and under the supervision of her DAD!

Apparantely, my DD needs to feel loved and cared about and to know that she has a home here       

Oh thank you for that, I  hadnt thought of that!

Of course she is "new" to the case and hasnt a single clue of the efforts Ive made to help my daughter. Ive moved mountains. To the point my own health is deteriorating. My blood was boiling looking at her sitting there with her smug expression.

After they left DD's dad called again to say the SW's had called him. A different lady spoke to him, a support worker rather than a social worker. Shes been involved for the past 2 years and I like her a lot. She is caring and understanding. DD's dad explained to her that we are at our wits end after trying everything. She admitted that looks like care is the only option. However, I wont hold my breath.

He had to hang up then as DD was calling him back and I havent heard a peep since, that was over an hour ago. So my guess is that he has gone to pick her up.

Wow.  Your DD sounds like a carbon copy of my DD16! Even down to how she reacts when at her father's! 

[infiniteeyes]

lbjnltx

In Ireland the state is only responisible to a childs education until they are 16 which my DD just turned. Up until this point the school has done everything in their power to keep her at school including assigning her an SNA (special needs assistant) and giving her one on one tutoring for some of her subjects. They have definitely been more lenient on my daughter, however she still received countless suspensions throughout the last school year, taking into account she missed weeks upon weeks when she refused to attend.

Now that she is 16 she can decide to drop out of school if she so wishes and there is nothing anyone can do about it. So that is what I forsee.

The unit that was spoken about in England was a lock down psych unit, I cant remember much else about it as I decided to keep her at home. However, the SW are not giving me that option at all anymore. I feel intimidated by this new social worker and will be asking for a different one to be assigned.

DD16 is still at her boyfriends house tonight and telling her Dad she will be home tomorrow (like she said the night before) What strikes me is that BFs parents are ok with this after having only met my DD a few days ago... and having the police at their door     

Spoke to him earlier on the phone and he tells me he is feeling it and feeling very down. 

Welcome to my life!

While he has all my sympathy, she hasnt been in his house for over a week.

I really dont see where this is all going to end. SW not taking us on at all. Police say she is safe where she is and there is adult supervision so not much they can do either.

Its a maze!

On top of all of this Ive started on new meds and doing my best to regulate my own emotions 

Thanks to all for kind words of support, and it is a comfort to know Im not on my own.