She Thrives on my Anxiety

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello All   Its Been quite a while probably about 2 years since I first posted on here! Ive been reading everyones posts in that time. However I suppose I hadnt felt the need to post myself... .Until now! Im not going to blather on about the rollercoaster that has been the last 2 years with my DD now 16 in a couple of weeks!

Except to say she completed a DBT Course (outpatient) and has been accepting tremendous support from a number of different avenues, CAHMs, her psycholgist, youth worker and most importantly myself!

Yes I have been there through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad. I devoted myself to her recovery.

Unfortunately, as a single mother to DD16 and DD4, doing this on my own has left me a shadow of my former self.

Her father is involved but from a distance and had barely any involvement in her treatment.

To cut a long story short, she was doing well for a long time. When i sayd doing well, I mean staying in school (just about and with constant support), learning to regualate her emotions better. She finished her junior cycle in june and will be starting her senior cycle in Sept.

In the last 4 or 5 months since the services have been slowly been pulling away and since I have been using the tools I was taught to encourage her to regulate herself with only a little support from me, instead of regulating her ALL the time as I was doing, her BPD has reared its ugly head once again. I should mention she was diagnosed emerging BPD at 14 years old.

I have been left with an anxiety disorder from this whole business. One which I never had before. Nor symptoms of. I went from on outgoing friendly person to a nervous wreck who can barely leave the house.

The most heartbreaking part for me?

My DD does not care, could not care less. In fact it has come to my attention over the last few days in particular that she WANTS me to be like this and would PREFER if i never recoverd.

I couldnt fit into one post the dramas and circuses of the past two years. But the latest involves her going out all night, getting drunk, smoking weed. The company she keeps leaves a lot to be desired. And in the last 2 weeks she has slept with 2 differnt boys (brothers I might add) and had a pregnancy scare. She was on the pill but only for a month and Dr said it might not be effective so soon.

She thrives on the attention, even her psychologist agreed. The dr who did her pregnancy test today, said to me she seems "quite challenging" after having only met her for ten minutes.

I was meant to have my first counselling session this morning to start seeking help for my anxiety ( i weaned myself off my meds 2 weeks ago  ) But my DD totally sabotaged it, being up first thing this morning to book a drs appt for her "pregnancy scare" and then going to see her psychologist, having "forgotten" about my appointment and telling me ":)ont go, if you dont want to" And she got her way. I was so anxious about the result of her test,( it was a negative TG but i didnt know that yet) that I missed my appt.

What Im really curious about and my reason for re-posting is to find out if any other members have become burned out from caring for their pwBPD and how have they reacted to that? 

[infiniteeyes]

Hello All   Its Been quite a while probably about 2 years since I first posted on here! Ive been reading everyones posts in that time. However I suppose I hadnt felt the need to post myself... .Until now! Im not going to blather on about the rollercoaster that has been the last 2 years with my DD now 16 in a couple of weeks!

Except to say she completed a DBT Course (outpatient) and has been accepting tremendous support from a number of different avenues, CAHMs, her psycholgist, youth worker and most importantly myself!

Yes I have been there through the thick and the thin, the good and the bad. I devoted myself to her recovery.

Unfortunately, as a single mother to DD16 and DD4, doing this on my own has left me a shadow of my former self.

Her father is involved but from a distance and had barely any involvement in her treatment.

To cut a long story short, she was doing well for a long time. When i sayd doing well, I mean staying in school (just about and with constant support), learning to regualate her emotions better. She finished her junior cycle in june and will be starting her senior cycle in Sept.

In the last 4 or 5 months since the services have been slowly been pulling away and since I have been using the tools I was taught to encourage her to regulate herself with only a little support from me, instead of regulating her ALL the time as I was doing, her BPD has reared its ugly head once again. I should mention she was diagnosed emerging BPD at 14 years old.

I have been left with an anxiety disorder from this whole business. One which I never had before. Nor symptoms of. I went from on outgoing friendly person to a nervous wreck who can barely leave the house.

The most heartbreaking part for me?

My DD does not care, could not care less. In fact it has come to my attention over the last few days in particular that she WANTS me to be like this and would PREFER if i never recoverd.

I couldnt fit into one post the dramas and circuses of the past two years. But the latest involves her going out all night, getting drunk, smoking weed. The company she keeps leaves a lot to be desired. And in the last 2 weeks she has slept with 2 differnt boys (brothers I might add) and had a pregnancy scare. She was on the pill but only for a month and Dr said it might not be effective so soon.

She thrives on the attention, even her psychologist agreed. The dr who did her pregnancy test today, said to me she seems "quite challenging" after having only met her for ten minutes.

I was meant to have my first counselling session this morning to start seeking help for my anxiety ( i weaned myself off my meds 2 weeks ago  ) But my DD totally sabotaged it, being up first thing this morning to book a drs appt for her "pregnancy scare" and then going to see her psychologist, having "forgotten" about my appointment and telling me ":)ont go, if you dont want to" And she got her way. I was so anxious about the result of her test,( it was a negative TG but i didnt know that yet) that I missed my appt.

What Im really curious about and my reason for re-posting is to find out if any other members have become burned out from caring for their pwBPD and how have they reacted to that? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi infiniteeyes,

Welcome back.

So very sorry to hear that you are having so much anxiety and have become lost in your daughter's illness.  I too was well on my way to developing an anxiety disorder when my teen d was in the throws of the illness.  I was her victim and she liked it that way... .victims feel helpless and can't see a way out and that is reassuring to our kids that we won't detach from them.

I empowered myself through knowledge and skills and took back my personal power that I had given away to this illness.  You can too!  Once I became strong enough and was modeling the skills my daughter also needed I was able to lead us both into the light of recovery and better lives.

You can do this too!

Begin with the Tools and Lessons in the right side bar, ask questions, ask for others here to help you practice the skills, do post mortems on interactions that didn't go well and get feedback on what you can do differently for a better outcome.  There are no silly questions!  It's all relevant and interconnected.  Your mental, physical and emotional health will affect her just as hers has affected you.

lbj

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you for ur reply lbjnltx 

Yes I have become her victim and what you say makes perfect sense. Ive been reading about the victim-persecutor-rescuer triangle and I can say yes this is what has been happening.

My daughters illness brings with it a new set of challenges as she grows and I suppose now that i think about it, I had learned how to do SET and set my boundaries around the self harm and suicidal gestures. But now that she has moved on to using alcohol and drugs to self medicate, I shall have to regroup and adapt what Ive learned to these new behaviours.

She has also become quite promiscious and doesnt spare me any of the details. She is trying to provoke a strong reaction from me. The pregnancy scare was her best tactic yet  Its so difficult as a mother to think of your beautiful daughter firstly being sexually active, secondly the type of boys that are using her (not desirable types would be a mild way of putting it) and thirdly the thought of her becoming a mother   

As of now I have detached and told her that I am doing so. I asked her to please go to visit her Dad as I needed some time to myself. I also told her I think she could benefit from some time away. She refuses to go. Im sure she probably feels this as rejection. At least I can say Ive been honest and direct in my request.

Im wondering how I will ever recover from my anxiety as long as there is one crisis after another.

My youngest daughter needs me too and I cant forget that   

[lbjnltx]

Anxiety will decrease when you have a plan and the skills to carry out a plan to deal with any given situation.  Knowledge and skills replace fear and helplessness.  Also... .level the playing field by taking any prescribed medications to help ease your anxiety while you learn the skills.

It will be tough going setting boundaries and limits... .do it for her and yourself!  As parents we have to be stronger than the illness.  We have to be willing to go through the pain alongside them as they learn about boundaries.  We must protect them through boundaries until they are adults or are willing to protect themselves... .we must allow the natural consequences of their choices to come when they break boundaries and defy limits so that they can learn.   It's all hard!

lbj

[js friend]

Hi Infiniteeyes.

I understand how difficult all this is when we are doing it alone and wanted to send you a hug .

My dds behaviour was at its was at her worse around 14-17yo.The worse time of my life was when  dd was 14-15yo. I was a nervous wreck. I had a chest pains chest and difficulty breathing through anxiety and regularly felt sick when I heard an ambulance or police siren if dd wasnt at home.My dr did suggest antidepressants. They work for many people.A friend of mine swears by them, and if you are prescribes them and find they work infiniteeyes you should take them, but I think I just wanted someone to talk to as Iam more a talker.

During this time I also stopped socialising and hardly went out apart from work. I often would stay up regularly worrying about dd's whereabouts or I would be out there trying to track her down. I was hardly eating, or sleeping as all I did was worry what dd was up to and what the future held.Life was truly the pits!

But by the time dd was 17yo I was almost back to my old self and actually enjoying life again.

What changed in that time was that I realised that it was BPD that was driving my dd and not just teenage angst that would blow over by the time she was about 23yo after the teenage years  ended... Bpd is here for life and all that it brings I was in it for the long haul and I needed to start taking care of myself.

By not taking care of myself was I was in danger of  burning myself out very quickly and I had other children at home to consider and they were missing out on me being a mother to them which wasnt fair to them so i made a conscious decision to get my old self back.

What I began with was to begin to put boundaries in place.If dd wasnt had gone out without permission and called for a ride home she would have to find her own way home, I was not going to go out at all hours to pick her up anymore. If she walked out I wasnt going to chase after her, If she started an argument, or said something to get a reaction to start an argument, i would keep my tone and facial expression neutral and  I would not(JADE) react or engage.I also stopped reacting to every crisis by not getting so emotionally involved. your dd is oversharing details to get a reaction from you.You can ask her to not share these details with you or if she continues just dont react. She will soon get bored when she doesnt get the reaction she is looking for.

Every crisis you suspect or know about will only trigger your anxiety.

Breathing exercises, self care, and posting here helped to relieved the stress I was under.My body had been on high alert for that many years expecting the next crisis that I it is hard to begin with to step down from that way of pessimistic thinking, and i didnt want to live that way any longer as I felt that i was either heading for a heart attack,stroke or a breakdown without being dramatic about it. .

Begin by doing little things for yourself. I began by socialising again away from home at the weekends... .often miles and miles away from home and would be out for the whole day... .I think this really suprised dd as I wasnt where she expected me to be,(always close to home incase i needed to be there for dd's next crisis) but for me the further away from home the better i felt. I also began to do more with my other children and I would switch my phone off after a certain time in the evening so we had this time together without interruptions.I also began to listen to and enjoy music again which I hadnt  done for years... Im sure at this point dd said to others" see my mom doesnt care about me"

If you are finiding it difficult to get out maybe a friend could go with you for a short walk or car journey to begin with.You are not being selfish by looking after yourself.We have to do this otherwise we will be no good to anyone. If you have an appointment infiniteyees make sure you attend as it is important to your recovery.I know that you love your dd and this may sound harsh, but missing your apt would not have changed the result of your dd's pregnancy test. Sometimes it helps if look at things using less prediction of the future beacuse it can look so bleak and just focus on what is going on in the here and now.

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you so much JS friend for your reply and I will take on board your advice as I know in my heart of hearts you are right 

Well good news  this morning, when I awoke she was packing her stuff and had decided to go to visit her Dad for a while.

I hope that the break does us both the world of good. I definitely felt my mood lighten a little as she walked out the door. She didnt bid me farewell just shouted a goodbye to her little sister on the way out the door.

I spoke to her Dad on the phone, really just to ask him to try his best to help her visit run smoothly. He said he would let her have it both barrels, call a spade a spade as he put it. But he also has plans to do stuff with her so fingers crossed!

So mixed emotions all around I suppose.

Gonna take this time to just relax and enjoy not having to look over my shoulder. Please God, I feel better for it.

[livednlearned]

Hi infiniteeyes,

The best tool or skill I found was in mindfulness classes offered by my local university. I did an 8-week course (once a week, 3 hours) and then followed up with a mindful parenting class that ran the same length of time. My boyfriend gifted me the classes after both of us experienced challenges with our kids -- he has a daughter who was subsequently diagnosed with psychotic depression, followed by bipolar II.

We did a full day of mindfulness that worried me -- I didn't think I could do it for a day. It was one of the most profound days of my life, and made me realize what it feels like to be fully present and calm. My anxiety was through the roof 4-5 years ago. I weighed less than I did in high school and would sometimes start shaking, became insomniac. It's an awful, awful feeling.

I wish I had learned about the mindfulness-based stress reduction classes earlier. They are based on the work Jon Kabat-Zinn did decades ago, when he began offering classes that were strictly about the mindfulness practices. I believe that the mindfulness in DBT is based on his work. Marsha Linehan apparently studied with him, although she also discovered meditation elsewhere if I read it correctly.

It does help a lot if you keep up the practice. 

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you livedandlearned.

Yes I have touched on mindfulness. When my daughter did her DBT it was a 16 week course. And they did offer classed for parents too where we did touch on mindfulness, radical acceptance etc. Although it was over a year ago now and so I could probably use a refresher. Its hard to use these skills when the stressor is constant 24/7. Im planning to use this break while shes with her Dad to better myself though to be able to deal with my anxiety better in the height of a crisis, which is nearly a daily occurence. No exaggeration.

Thankfully Ive got my family signing off the same hymn sheet and thats given me a great comfort to know that not one of them wil blame me or question my need to withdraw myself from her. I am definitely going to put all this advise into practice.

Life has a funny way of teaching us what we need to learn!

Thank you everyone   

[MammaMia]

Infiniteeyes

Being the caregiver of a pwBPD is physically and emotionally draining.  It can actually make us sick.  I am glad to hear you will have a much-needed break and hope it goes well.  Is your dd's father really aware of what he is dealing with?  This may be a learning experience for him.

Extreme anxiety comes from trying to control our BPD children and keep them safe.  It is important that we accept our limitations and understand what we can and cannot fix, because Bpd is a brain disorder, not a conscious choice.

You stated that you had weaned yourself off medication.  If you were on anti-anxiety/depression meds, this may not be a wise decision.  Was it done with the approval of your physician? 

While dd is away, enjoy the freedom this allows.  Spend time with your other daughter and have fun, but also take the opportunity to relax.  We become so tightly wired when dealing with BPD, that we are constantly "on guard".  Try to let this go and rely on dd's father to step up to the plate and care for her. 

Expect the unexpected but do not allow it to de-rail your peaceful time.  You need this.

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you Mamma Mia.

Yes my DD's dad is aware of what he is dealing with. Having said that, he is not convinced that she has a mental disorder and see's her behaviour as attention seeking albeit extreme. The last visit she had with him a few months ago did not go well and ended in him driving her back home in silence. She did go to live with him when she was 13 but it lasted 4 months before she was sent packing to come home. At that time, I was happy to have her home. I was just beginning to learn about BPD and thought that I would be able to "fix" her. Oh, how far ive come since then  

I did wean myself off my anti anxiety meds. Ive been on and off lexapro for about 2 years. Id been on it since just before xmas, and ive come off it now for 2 weeks. I weaned myself gradually. I did not find it helped and made my anxiety worse. Im not closed off to the idea of going back on meds if needs be but not Lexapro.

Ive been taking natural remedies for anxiety and also omega 3 fish oils and I do find Im feeling better for now.

It wasnt a decision I took lightly, but I feel it was the right decision for now. I am also about to start counselling.

Even though she is not at home I am still finding it very hard to switch off and relax and my mood has been very up and down today.

As you said Mamma Mia i suppose I am subconciously still expecting the worst.

I am going to have to read over the TOOLS again now while I have some head space and put a plan in place for her return.

One thing Im sure off though is that something is gonna have to give. I need to withdraw myself from her emotionally. I have already started by letting her go and make her own mistakes. With the hope that she will learn from them. My fear is that she wont. I know that is one of the most frustrating things about the illness.  And what effect that will have on me and LO. I need to let go of that fear.

Thinking about it now, because DD had made such great improvements I did probably forget somewhere along the line that she does have BPD. Even some of t

he professinals we work with were beginning to think that maybe the emerging BPD may never emerge. Clearly, it has.

I do feel i have caregivers burnout.

Thank you everyone for words of advice.

[infiniteeyes]

Tonight I feel like Im grieving. Probably a mixture of emotions. Just been looking over some old photos and videos and Im feeling so hard done by and betrayed by this damn illness. So bitter. I SHOULD be enjoying my beautiful girls, god knows they wont be young forever. Yet here I am, my family fractured and broken. Its Summer time, we should be happy and laughing. Relaxing and going away to enjoy our lives and each other. But instead Im an anxious mess, who is becomig housebound. My DD16 is with her Dad probably feeling as miserable as I am. And my LO is missing out on the mother she deserves. The mum who can take her shopping for a new dress, to the park.

I am trying my best, i know that but tonight I just cant get my head around the sheer unfairness of it all

What have I or my girls done to deserve this?

Sorry for the pity parade, just needed to get it off my chest.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

Infiniteyes

Not one parent on this board has not been exactly where you are tonight.  We all understand every word of your last post.

We are all victims of a debilitating mental illness that robs us of the "normal" values in life.  We look at other families and begin to see them as perfect.  We feel like failures.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Every family has problems ... .ours are just more severe.  We did not ask for BPD to disrupt our lives and destroy our families.  We did not create this devil of a disorder.  No one is to blame unless there has been a catastrophic amount of abuse and/or neglect. This senario does not fit with most cases of BPD.

When I feel like you do tonight, I tell myself things can always be worse.  I could face the ultimate loss of losing a child to suicide caused by BPD.  As long as there is life, there is hope, and sometimes we just need to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and put one foot in front of the other.  We must keep moving forward, we must keep looking for the good days that make us sing with joy.  They are often  few and far between... .but they are there.

Do not give up.  I hope you see your therapist soon and that you reconsider medication to help your anxiety and depression.  There are many others that work better than what you have been on.  I, for one, am so very grateful for my anti-depressant therapy.  It has changed my life.

Tomorrow is a new day.  A new beginning.  Please take care.

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you Mamma Mia, I know you are right.

I have been here before and have pulled through ok. It is heartbreaking. And although my DD didnt have an ideal childhood she was never the victim of abuse nor neglect. I had her when I was only 18 myself and in a way we grew up together. We did and do still have a close relationship. Ive been off my meds now for just over 2 weeks and although I do feel a little better anxiety wise, my moods are swinging all over the place. I suppose that is to be expected. At least DD4 still has her Daddy who lives nearby and he is aware and understanding of the situation. So he is taking her out today to the swimming pool. That makes me happy that at least she is not being confined to the house too.

Thank you for reminding me Mamma Mia that the dark days will pass and a new day will come.

I needed that 

[lbjnltx]

Tonight I feel like Im grieving. Probably a mixture of emotions. Just been looking over some old photos and videos and Im feeling so hard done by and betrayed by this damn illness. So bitter. I SHOULD be enjoying my beautiful girls, god knows they wont be young forever. Yet here I am, my family fractured and broken. Its Summer time, we should be happy and laughing. Relaxing and going away to enjoy our lives and each other. But instead Im an anxious mess, who is becomig housebound. My DD16 is with her Dad probably feeling as miserable as I am. And my LO is missing out on the mother she deserves. The mum who can take her shopping for a new dress, to the park.

I am trying my best, i know that but tonight I just cant get my head around the sheer unfairness of it all

What have I or my girls done to deserve this?

Sorry for the pity parade, just needed to get it off my chest.

:'( :'( :'( :'(

Infiniteeyes,

It is important for our own well being to recognize that we are grieving. Subconsciously grieving happens while intentional grieving helps us more effectively heal. 

Here is some guidance that can help:


Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

[infiniteeyes]

Hello All 

Well My DD is still at her Dads house. I received a phone call today from his phone expecting bad news straight away. I think thats just the way Im programmed to think around her 

They were at an animal shelter and she was telling me there was one little kitten and it wouldnt leave her alone and shes fallen in love and can she please adopt it and take it home. We already have a 9 year old cat who is our baby. I explained the arrival of a new kitten might upset him. She insisted she would introduce them slowly and do all the work. I wonder if Ive heard that before 

In the end I agreed. I thought maybe it would be something positive in our lives and also be good for my other DD4.

Well I spoke to my mother and sister on the phone afterwards and they both scolded me for allowing it after her recent antics. Im not going to change my mind now anyway but what do you guys think. My family says its just another way of her getting around me and that she will be thinking "Oh look Ive gotten around mum again".

Maybe Im a big softie but I think maybe they are being a little harsh?

We were texting this evening, throwing around names for the kitten. Each name I thought of she would repl "basic" or "depressing"

She then threw it in casually about returning home on Monday. I was a little taken back as I was really hoping for a longer break. So I mentioned it to  her Dad via a text but no reply.

My mum is planning to visit this weekend. I had told her previously that she would be welcome up, but now I am thinking of cancelling as if DD is back on monday I would like to have the weekend to myself. I really feel the need to just be alone. Perhaps its not too healthy to be alone with my thoughts either? 

[MammaMia]

Infiniteyes

I have 4 house cats.  One from an animal shelter and 3 feral siblings 2 years younger.  My plan was to care for the kittens "just through the winter" so they would not die.  That was 5 years ago.  I love them all so much and they get along great. Depending on the cat, they will tolerate being alone, but I have found they really enjoy each other's company. Your older cat will most likely set its own tolerance level with the kitten. Try to make sure they both get their share of attention. That seems to help avoid jealousy.

Cats provide us humans with a sense of calm and serenity which is also very good for us.  They are curious, loving, much less work than dogs, and insanely funny. Mine make me laugh every day.

With regard to what your family says about "giving in" ... .ignore it.  This kitten may become a great leveraging tool.   

You have a right to enjoy the quiet time you had planned. I hope your ex agrees and makes it happen. 

[infiniteeyes]

Hi All 

Well a little update since my DD16 went to visit her Dad. There was little to no contact between her and I, as we hadnt parted on the best of terms.

Then she asked about adopting the cat and I agreed, which broke the ice a little.

I spoke to her Dad about how she was doing. She thought she might be pregnant but thank Heaven she got her monthly last night.

I received a very long text message from her a few nights ago. Telling me how sorry she is, how great I am and so on. As i say it was very long. Ive heard it all before several times. My response was that she has given me no reason  to believe any of it. And that from now on I would be going on her actions not her words. She replied ok and tried to justify herself but I just replied that I was tired and going to bed and would speak to her the next day.

So roll on until tonight. I am lying in my bed, meditating...  

I have been trying different things to relieve my anxiety

Well my peaceful moment was rudely interuppted by her Dad calling me to say she had gone out and told him not to come home. I told him to call the police. And when he does they tell him that they have my daughter, she had refused to give them her details ie her parents numbers, name etc

So he went to get her and she had been drinking. Surprise surprise. With the worst possible group of people you could meet. Another surprise. No matter where she is be it with me or with her Dad, who lives in a relatively small town, she will attract them like flies to ****

She is coming back home home to me tomorrow. Ive told her Dad I will not allow her to take this kitten home now. The police said she gave them a torrent of verbal abuse and that they will be pursuing the matter further. Which I sincerely hope they do.

I just wanted to write all of this on here 

Right now I am so so angry with her as its litereally just happened.

Im sure tomorrow I will feel the stress and worry.

Good night for now xxx

[infiniteeyes]

 

Well a little update since my last post. Since my DD16 came back from her Dads two weeks ago, she has been arrested again, twice.  I shouldnt say arrested, because as she is a minor she is given a formal warning.

After her return we celebrated her 16th birthday. It was a little tense, but pleasant. I had made her a dvd of her baby years which was a nice surprise so she and I watched it together and had a little cuddle.

However, this was just the calm before the storm.

The first incident involved her taking money from me to go to the doctor. I dont drive so gave her the taxi fare. Plus I have been getting more and more agoraphobic over the last few months. She took advantage of my illness, and took the money, went drinking and drugging and arrived at 2am that night. A group of teenagers went drinking in an abandoned warehouse and caused several hundred worth of damage.

I cut her cell phone off after giving her plenty of warning. This led to her outrage and second incident, which involved her stealing a 50 note from my purse. Also a torrent of verbal abuse, including her telling my 4 year old "mammy is a such and such"... I reported her and made an official complaint.

She left with the money and I locked her out and told her she was not to return home.

However social services got involved and insisted I let her home, after a lot of conflict with them over the phone.

They have visited since and got to witness a fraction of what I deal with on a day to day basis. When it was arranged for her to go back to her Dads for another visit in order for me to have some respite. She refused and stormed off. One of the social workers went upstairs to her room and was met with some choice words   

To cut a long story short, they made her agree to go. But as I predicted once they left and as the evening went on she is now refusing to go again. What can I do? How can you physically force a 16 year old girl to go anywhere. My friend has offered to drive her the 3 hours journey as it just so happens my friend is going in that direction tomorrow anyway.

I have asked the social workers for help. They refuse to put her in short term foster care. I have asked that they do that at least until a plan can be put in place re drugs and alcohol counselling, anger management etc

For the sake of  my DD4 who sadly has to witness this behaviour and these outbursts and cops in the house nearly every day     

My heart is well and truly broken.

Whatever hope I had for my DD16 is quickly vanishing. I never thought she would steal from me. This is a new low. I recognise the part it has to play in her increasing addiction.

The lack of help/support I am getting from SS is making me want to pull my hair out. We have already been down every road, CAHMs, parenting classes, family programmes, youth workers

Nothing has worked. I wish they would listen to me when I tell them, over and over... .I cant meet my daughters needs right now, my own health mental and physical is suffering. My younger child is bearing the brunt. They seem to pass the book. Apparantely they are holding an "emergency" meeting... On wednesday, thats 6 days away!

My heart sinks to wonder what the future will bring...

[MammaMia]

infiniteeyes

I am sorry.  Sounds like Hell on Wheels.

How did things go at her Dad's?  Is he receptive to another extended visit?  If she is better behaved there, perhaps you might think about changing custody arrangements, if Dad is supportive.

[infiniteeyes]

Mamma Mia it really is hell on wheels, thank you for wording it so accurately for me 

Yes is prepared to have her for 10 days as that is what he can take off work. He made it clear to the social workers that it is to be a visit only and that he is not prepared/able to have her full time. She did go and live with him when she was 13 but he sent her packing after 4 months. At which time I made a concious decision not to let her live with him again. Trial and error so to speak. And I missed her terribly in those 4 months. Its not the answer, I wish it was that easy.

On her last visit to him which was only a few weeks ago she was in trouble with police too and drinking and smoking marijuana.

So no her behaviour doesnt imporve at all with him. If anything she just gets away with  more as he is not as wise to her ways as I am.

My only option is to push for her to be placed into temp foster care or some sort of programme, but that is not going to be an easy task.

Right now, Im just praying she will go tomorrow, so that I can have 10 days to recover from the craziness.

I am sleep deprived and Im just managing to function. I think Im on auto-pilot. That is never a good thing because I know what happens when it gets switched off. I crash and burn   

[js friend]

Im so sorry that you are going through this and truly hope that you get the break  that you so desperately need soon  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you js friend

Yes she did go to visit her Dad. Left this afternoon. It took 2 social workers to come to my house to convince her to go. I have a 10 day break. Filled with relief and a touch of sadness   

[infiniteeyes]

Well DD16 has been at her Dads for 10 days now... .When I say "at her Dads" she has spent barely anytime there since the first couple of days... She has met up with her friend from down there and 2 boys and they have been drinking and god knows what else for the last 5 days. I have had no contact with her whatsoever only from what her Dad has been telling me and from the pics on instagram, facebook etc. Pics of her lying in bed with this boy, fully clothed i should say    but with love bites all over and i mean ALL OVER her neck. She seems to wear them like a badge of honour.

In the last 10 days I have had some respite. I have been put on different meds since my last ones were not working for me at all. I am still anxious and depressed but can see a light at the end of the tunnel, regards my self only.

So the social workers landed at my door unannounced today, to see how we are getting on.

While they were here, DD's dad called to say that she was refusing to come home. So that he was going to call the police.

I dont like my new social worker. She is very snooty and looks at me with disgust, telling me it is unacceptable that I dont know the exact whereabouts of my daughter. Eh, hello, she 150 miles away and under the supervision of her DAD!

Apparantely, my DD needs to feel loved and cared about and to know that she has a home here       

Oh thank you for that, I  hadnt thought of that!

Of course she is "new" to the case and hasnt a single clue of the efforts Ive made to help my daughter. Ive moved mountains. To the point my own health is deteriorating. My blood was boiling looking at her sitting there with her smug expression.

After they left DD's dad called again to say the SW's had called him. A different lady spoke to him, a support worker rather than a social worker. Shes been involved for the past 2 years and I like her a lot. She is caring and understanding. DD's dad explained to her that we are at our wits end after trying everything. She admitted that looks like care is the only option. However, I wont hold my breath.

He had to hang up then as DD was calling him back and I havent heard a peep since, that was over an hour ago. So my guess is that he has gone to pick her up.

[lbjnltx]

What would "care" look like?

[infiniteeyes]

Well Ive asked about rehabilitation but there are no facilities around here.

The other option would be temporary foster care?

[lbjnltx]

Dual diagnosis inpatient treatment or RTC for adolescent girls.  Have you asked specifically what the next step would be for your daughter's treatment/care?

What is the criteria she must meet to get inpatient treatment for substance abuse and psychiatric problems?

[infiniteeyes]

 lbjnltx I have asked about having her placed in a drug rehabilitation programme but was told by my support worker that her marijuana use alone was not enough to get her placed because there are many children on harder drugs.

I have been told up until this point that she will remain at home at all costs and that CAHMs involvement will be stepped up.

She has been involved with CAHMs since she was 12!

I feel like noboby is listening to me and the SW that came to my home today (unannounced) spoke down to me and more or less insinuated that my daughters problems are down to my inadequate mothering.

As I said shes new on the case. Each and every professional my daughter has been involved with has commended my ability and efforts to help my DD. It is exasperating!

I am by no means trying to "get rid" of the problem or asking them to "fix" her.

I simply need intervention and help for my DD myself and my little one  :'( :'(

Telling a mother that she needs to show her daughter "love and support, and let her know she has a home here" after that same mother has exhausted all avenues of help available to her. Never missed an appt with psychiatrist, psychologist, school principal, police. Sat up night after night with my tearful, raging child. And on the occassions where she was happy, sat up with her all night to finish her art projects, talk and laugh. Loved her and cradled her. Waited up night after night when she wont answer her phone or tell me where she is. Rang the police every time I didnt know where she was. My door has always been open, as has my heart and mind.

I am very well able to put my feelings down here lbjnltx but I am and was useless in the situatin today where they arrived at my door when I wasnt even expecting them. Otherwise I would have had time to prepare what I wanted to say. But today I felt cornered and I froze as I tend to do.

Tonight the police have caught up with my DD16. Her friend has gone home with her Mum but my daughter escaped when she heard the police were coming and took off with her BF of one week. She is refusing to go back to her dads and wants to stay with her BF again tonight. BF's Dad is at home and is ok with this

   

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry all this is coming down on you so hard infiniteyes. 

Being educated about the disorder, your rights/daughter's rights to effective care and intervention, and the options available to you is your best hope of getting help for your family.

What continent are you on? 

Does the treatment center have to be in the same jurisdiction as the SW office? 

What would foster care consist of?  Would you have to give up your parental rights?  Would there be a therapeutic component to her foster care?  How would foster care help your daughter?

lbj

[infiniteeyes]

Thank you  lbjnltx

I am in Ireland.

I am pretty well educated about BPD having spend years researching it and reading some of the books reccommended on her. And also the tools. I think I did mention in an earlier post about having to polish up on my validating and responding with SET and JADE.

I have slipped back into my old ways of arguing with my DD after a pretty long period of "wellness" for want of a better word.

There was talk before of sending my DD who was 14 at the time to a secure unit in the UK but at the time I felt it would be more damaging in the long run and so that was when I decided to commit to helping her get better and around the time I started to get my head around my DD having BPD.

I have been told by the SWs that there are no families/couples available to them that would be qualified to take a teenager as troubled as my DD.

I have also being told that her addictions are not severe enough to warrant a place in Rehab.

I would not be willing to give up my parental rights, as long as there remains a grain of hope.

There are no therapeutic foster carers available. The services over her are seriously lacking as you may have gathered!

How would foster care help my daughter?

I would hope that it might just stop her in her tracks as she is running fast at the moment.

School returns in a couple of weeks over here and I dont see how it will be possible for her to transit from her crazy summer antics to a school routine. She is already on her last legs with her school.

I would hope that if she could get into therapeutic foster care that she would start to attend more CAHMs appointments, and perhaps get into some drug programme as her drinking and marijuana is chronic.

Lastly I would hope that it would give myself some respite and time to gather myself and get strong again, as I am battling my own depression/anxiety and progress is slow.

My DD does not believe she has a mental illness and so that makes the work harder. I understand at 16 she thinks she knows better than me. However I am fearful of her upping the anti even more when she returns from her Dads

[lbjnltx]

Thank you  lbjnltx

I am in Ireland.

I am pretty well educated about BPD having spend years researching it and reading some of the books reccommended on her. And also the tools. I think I did mention in an earlier post about having to polish up on my validating and responding with SET and JADE.

I have slipped back into my old ways of arguing with my DD after a pretty long period of "wellness" for want of a better word.

This is good news.  Getting back to skillful responses and strong boundaries will hopefully help you and perhaps her too.

There was talk before of sending my DD who was 14 at the time to a secure unit in the UK but at the time I felt it would be more damaging in the long run and so that was when I decided to commit to helping her get better and around the time I started to get my head around my DD having BPD.

What would a "secure unit" consist of?  Is it a lock down psych hospital?

I have been told by the SWs that there are no families/couples available to them that would be qualified to take a teenager as troubled as my DD.

I have also being told that her addictions are not severe enough to warrant a place in Rehab.

Seems an oxymoron doesn't it?  

I would not be willing to give up my parental rights, as long as there remains a grain of hope.

Don't blame you!... .here in the US for my daughter to be placed in RTC under State funding I would have had to give up my parental rights... .I went another route.

There are no therapeutic foster carers available. The services over her are seriously lacking as you may have gathered!

How would foster care help my daughter?

I would hope that it might just stop her in her tracks as she is running fast at the moment.

Seems that the SW would need to come up with another alternative then.

School returns in a couple of weeks over here and I dont see how it will be possible for her to transit from her crazy summer antics to a school routine. She is already on her last legs with her school.

I would hope that if she could get into therapeutic foster care that she would start to attend more CAHMs appointments, and perhaps get into some drug programme as her drinking and marijuana is chronic.

Lastly I would hope that it would give myself some respite and time to gather myself and get strong again, as I am battling my own depression/anxiety and progress is slow.

My DD does not believe she has a mental illness and so that makes the work harder. I understand at 16 she thinks she knows better than me. However I am fearful of her upping the anti even more when she returns from her Dads

The structure of school would be beneficial if she actually attends.  :)o you have attendance laws and special programs for kids with special needs through the educational system in Ireland.  Here we call it IEP and the law states that the educational system must meet the needs of a child in a way beneficial to that child... .educational accommodations, special classes, special teachers, transportation to alternate campus, fund RTC if necessary.

If she has been running wild with no structure she will test your boundaries to see how far she can push through them when she gets back to you.  Be strong and hold fast to them, use whatever resources you have at your disposal to protect self and enforce boundaries and limits.

lbjnltx