Scenes from a BPD memory

[Depression = 72% of members]

My story begins in nov 2009. It was love at first sight. She was 23, I was 26. I never felt so young and happy before. I thought that finally found my love and my life. My career just started, I started my own business, I played in a band, I loved my life and I loved her from the bottom of my heart. The first 4-5 months was beautiful.

Later on red flags came up but I loved her and tried to help her how to handle her feelings. In the end nothing worked. Her relationship with her mother was awful. She called her mother a bit*h many times in front of me. She had eating disorders in the past... .A lots of red flags... I always knew that something is wrong with her, but at this time I didn't know anything about BPD.

To make it short I describe our last months. 3 months ago I arrived home tired after a long day in office. She asked me what's my problem. I said I have nothing I'm just tired but I'm Ok... She said I'm sitting like a king in my chair and said horrible things to me (she going to kill my child if I find someone else, I'm boring, I'm like an old men and I'm always tired). She destroyed my kitchen after I tried to calm her down. I'm asked her to sit down and talk to me but it was only a trigger for her. Of course everything was my fault because I was tired. On the next morning she moved back home to her parents but couple of days later she called me. I was foolish because I let her back...

2 months ago she said that se have to go home to help her mother. That night we spoke on the phone... said she just finished with housework and preparing to go to bed to sleep. From the background noise I knew she was lying. It turned out that she is dating with someone. When I asked her she kept lying and denied. Only confessed when I told her that I saw her with a guy. I left her on the same day but she came to my apartment. Cried and begged to forgive her. She said that se love me forever and cannot live without me. She said that the guy was only a friend from the past, I made my 2nd big mistake... In the next 3 weeks she disapeared for a couple of nights and I felt that she is dating with the guy again. 3 weeks ago even in our last days together she told me she love me and she need me. During these days she called me a liar and a cheater because I tried to discuss these things with my friends.

So true: "The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."

Next day nothing was good enough for her and said she have to go home. On the same day she called me and told me that it won't work... I should leave her alone because she is not able to make me happy anymore... .2 days later I saw her with the new guy who is living next to my apartment and since then I see her car almost everyday on the street.

She called me a couple of days ago at 1:30 AM but I did not answer. She tried on the next day and the next in the evening but I still not answered. Then she wrote a short message about a book what se want to get back. Is she serious? A call about a book in the night what is still on the shelf 1 year untouched? I went to NC and I won't give up.

I used to be a stable, supportive man full of plans ready for a beautiful life with my love. Now I sitting here alone no one by my side. I don't understand and I don't feel that I deserve this. What did I do wrong? I gave my love my heart my life and my soul for someone who may never ever existed. My feelings my thoughts and my love made her as she was. Nothing's left but pain and questions...

I may never find the answers and I may never understand why. How she is capable of to do all the things and all the lies?

It's sounds tough and maybe it's from my anger but a person who capable of doing this with another person who love unconditionally simply does not deserve happiness. She knows or feels that something is wrong with her and despite of this she will ruin other's lifes... Maybe she have to learn about life and sincerity but I really hope that the price will be high enough.

Now I have to create rules for myself and change my daily routine to get a rid of the past and find my way back home because this is the only way to forget and build up myself again. Maybe she will contact me again. Not in the next few weeks, but in months or years I'm sure she will. But I won't be available. I will live my life leaving behind all the pains and lies. It's not easy because I still love her but for my own life, health and sanity I need to go. My rational mind says that she won't change and won't be differrent with the new guy and with the next and the next... Probably he will be a member on this site in the near future. But for now it's hard to see her and her car at her new soulmate. I still love her but it's time to release her from this life.

I'm feeling better now as I wrote my feelings out of my mind but I know tomorrow will be hard again. Mornings are always so hard. It will take some time but I'll be alright and finally free from this nightmare.

I know that I will find myself and a non-BPD love till end of my life. I'll be able to see the wonders of the everyday life again and I'll be a valuable person for someone who cares.

Too many good people are here. You are all good because you are here looking for answers and peace for your soul.

I wish all the best for all of you out there! No one deserves this pain and madness!

[Ahead]

My story begins in nov 2009. It was love at first sight. She was 23, I was 26. I never felt so young and happy before. I thought that finally found my love and my life. My career just started, I started my own business, I played in a band, I loved my life and I loved her from the bottom of my heart. The first 4-5 months was beautiful.

Later on red flags came up but I loved her and tried to help her how to handle her feelings. In the end nothing worked. Her relationship with her mother was awful. She called her mother a bit*h many times in front of me. She had eating disorders in the past... .A lots of red flags... I always knew that something is wrong with her, but at this time I didn't know anything about BPD.

To make it short I describe our last months. 3 months ago I arrived home tired after a long day in office. She asked me what's my problem. I said I have nothing I'm just tired but I'm Ok... She said I'm sitting like a king in my chair and said horrible things to me (she going to kill my child if I find someone else, I'm boring, I'm like an old men and I'm always tired). She destroyed my kitchen after I tried to calm her down. I'm asked her to sit down and talk to me but it was only a trigger for her. Of course everything was my fault because I was tired. On the next morning she moved back home to her parents but couple of days later she called me. I was foolish because I let her back...

2 months ago she said that se have to go home to help her mother. That night we spoke on the phone... said she just finished with housework and preparing to go to bed to sleep. From the background noise I knew she was lying. It turned out that she is dating with someone. When I asked her she kept lying and denied. Only confessed when I told her that I saw her with a guy. I left her on the same day but she came to my apartment. Cried and begged to forgive her. She said that se love me forever and cannot live without me. She said that the guy was only a friend from the past, I made my 2nd big mistake... In the next 3 weeks she disapeared for a couple of nights and I felt that she is dating with the guy again. 3 weeks ago even in our last days together she told me she love me and she need me. During these days she called me a liar and a cheater because I tried to discuss these things with my friends.

So true: "The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else."

Next day nothing was good enough for her and said she have to go home. On the same day she called me and told me that it won't work... I should leave her alone because she is not able to make me happy anymore... .2 days later I saw her with the new guy who is living next to my apartment and since then I see her car almost everyday on the street.

She called me a couple of days ago at 1:30 AM but I did not answer. She tried on the next day and the next in the evening but I still not answered. Then she wrote a short message about a book what se want to get back. Is she serious? A call about a book in the night what is still on the shelf 1 year untouched? I went to NC and I won't give up.

I used to be a stable, supportive man full of plans ready for a beautiful life with my love. Now I sitting here alone no one by my side. I don't understand and I don't feel that I deserve this. What did I do wrong? I gave my love my heart my life and my soul for someone who may never ever existed. My feelings my thoughts and my love made her as she was. Nothing's left but pain and questions...

I may never find the answers and I may never understand why. How she is capable of to do all the things and all the lies?

It's sounds tough and maybe it's from my anger but a person who capable of doing this with another person who love unconditionally simply does not deserve happiness. She knows or feels that something is wrong with her and despite of this she will ruin other's lifes... Maybe she have to learn about life and sincerity but I really hope that the price will be high enough.

Now I have to create rules for myself and change my daily routine to get a rid of the past and find my way back home because this is the only way to forget and build up myself again. Maybe she will contact me again. Not in the next few weeks, but in months or years I'm sure she will. But I won't be available. I will live my life leaving behind all the pains and lies. It's not easy because I still love her but for my own life, health and sanity I need to go. My rational mind says that she won't change and won't be differrent with the new guy and with the next and the next... Probably he will be a member on this site in the near future. But for now it's hard to see her and her car at her new soulmate. I still love her but it's time to release her from this life.

I'm feeling better now as I wrote my feelings out of my mind but I know tomorrow will be hard again. Mornings are always so hard. It will take some time but I'll be alright and finally free from this nightmare.

I know that I will find myself and a non-BPD love till end of my life. I'll be able to see the wonders of the everyday life again and I'll be a valuable person for someone who cares.

Too many good people are here. You are all good because you are here looking for answers and peace for your soul.

I wish all the best for all of you out there! No one deserves this pain and madness!

[joeramabeme]

Next day nothing was good enough for her and said she have to go home. On the same day she called me and told me that it won't work... I should leave her alone because she is not able to make me happy anymore... .

Ahead, very sad story, I hope your morning saw some sunshine in it.

I highlighted this part of your post because, although it is sad, she very likely believes this to be true.  One of the hardest parts of having been involved with someone who experiences BPD traits is integrating a holistic view of the individual.  They love us and have wonderful qualities and we tend to separate that from other parts of who they are.  Chances are she really believes this to be true, not that is based in fact, just that she believes it is and therefore is acting on it.

I used to be a stable, supportive man full of plans ready for a beautiful life with my love. Now I sitting here alone no one by my side. I don't understand and I don't feel that I deserve this. What did I do wrong? I gave my love my heart my life and my soul for someone who may never ever existed. My feelings my thoughts and my love made her as she was. Nothing's left but pain and questions...

I may never find the answers and I may never understand why. How she is capable of to do all the things and all the lies?

That feeling of "may never existed" is shared with myself and others.  We wonder how it is possible that our love existed given how we saw and felt it to be compared to how they acted, it seems to be so deeply contradictory and confusing.  Know that pwBPD are afraid of emotional intimacy and are constantly in inner conflict trying to balance their fear of being abandoned with fear of being engulfed.  These fears can become too powerful to manage and cause our pwBPD to act in what we see as irrational and invalidating ways.  All the while to them it seems very logical and rational.  Try not to judge your own experience through the lens of her actions.  If she has BPD traits, doing this will distort your own inner perceptions and invalidate what you know to be the truth.

As far as the "why" of it, there are many facets to that question that can take a long time to answer.  If you spend some time reading the posts and articles on this site you will begin to gain some insight into those answers and this will also help start to free you from thinking of the relationship from the perspective that it never existed. 

You did not deserve this.  BPD is a disorder and understanding it is the beginning of finding some inner peace and believing that you have the opportunity and worthiness to be in a relationship with someone who has healthy relationship skills.

[letmeout]

Thank you for sharing, Ahead. The bottom line is that everyone here has dealt with a mentally ill loved one. People that we can not help or cure, and maybe we are still stunned. Or maybe we are just shocked that what should have been, never could have been due to the sheer gravity of their disease.

They leave scars, but they also leave lessons.