Hell as home life

[Glenna]

My daughter is 35. I have been suffering with her craziness since she was 16. She is visiting now with her 2 kids and has been in a hideous rage with me for almost 24 hours. What did I do wrong? I saw a fortune cookie on the floor, stepped on and left. I had just mopped the floor. I said, 'What? Who did this? There are crumbs all over the floor!' I wasn't angry, only annoyed. If she had not been there, the one who did it would have just received a minor correction. Instead, she is even now, it's the next day, in the next room ranting about how I made her blood feel like it has grit in it, how I am evil, how I am jealous, how I hate her and always have, how she hates me. My day will be as if it hardly existed, as I try to avoid her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Glenna,

Welcome to bpdfamily 

I'm sorry your daughter is in a rage while visiting you, and saying things that are hurtful. My son is highly sensitive to my emotions, and being annoyed -- even if it's not directed toward him -- is something he can take very personally. There are skills and lessons here (in the sidebar to the right) that can help with these interactions, to minimize the conflict and help bring some sense of clarity to what is happening.

How long is your daughter staying with you? When these kinds of interactions happened in the past, how did they resolve? Does your daughter seem to know that there is something wrong with her emotional responses?

I'm glad you posted and are reaching out. It helps to know we are not alone.

I look forward to hearing more about how you're doing.



LnL

[Glenna]

Dear livednlearned,

Thank you for your reply. I have felt alone with this problem from the beginning.  A few of my friends observed my daughter's abuse and took a negative position towards her. This has always made me feel terrible, because of course she is a good person underneath this disorder. Others only see her sweet, smart, lovely side and think she's an angel.

Unfortunately, right now I am upset. She and her two kids have gone away for the weekend, thank goodness, but the chaos she has left behind in my apartment is hideous. She is capable of making the most horrific messes, it's incredible. Important things always go missing and are found behind a bed, under a pile of clothing, etc. Just laundered clothes are on the floor, milk is left out, I could go on and on. And last night she was still insulting me. I want to enjoy my time alone but it will require a lot of cleaning to do this, and they will begin to destroy the minute they return.

The original plan was that they would stay until Aug 1. When she said they might stay until Sept 7, my face fell, which she saw of course. That is probably what started the abuse. She is now telling me to leave. She says that this is her apartment just as much as mine.

If she did not go into these fits, everything would be fine. The kids are nice.

I read the articles about splitting and certainly recognize it. She was a very, very sensitive child and I was seriously ill when she was seven.

Glenna

[Glenna]

Dear livednlearned,

She does admit she has a problem with anger and needs to do something about it, but she never never makes one move towards doing this.

The misery ends when for some reason she snaps out of her madness.

I am wondering if splitting is behind what I have observed in a few people, but never had a word for. It seems like a technique to manipulate and control. but whether conscious or not, it radiates out as heartless control and using of others. I had a boss once who did it - amazing how she could have people at her mercy through this. I was not taken in by it, rather it horrified me. You were the favorite one day and dirt the next. I'm afraid my daughter does this with her children. One minute they are angels and darlings and the next they are words i would not repeat. When she calls them names I would like to have her taken away I get so sad and furious. I tell her it's horrible and wrong. This is one thing that often starts a scene.

Glenna

[livednlearned]

Hi Glenna,

There is a book, You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" about validation that helped me immensely. The first time I used it with my son, it worked like a charm. Then I went through a rocky stage where I was missing some key points about how to apply effectively, and had to work harder at the authenticity -- he has an uncanny ability to read even the smallest shift in my mood, body language, tone of voice.

Have you had any success with validation in your interactions with your daughter?