Anticipating son's return and need advice

[ATXSmiths]

My stepson will return to us next week.  Until we start hearing back from therapists we don't know if we should discuss what we found in his phone (without admitting we did that), should we block sites online that he can't go to, such as facetime, snapchat, etc.  Should we discuss his cutting?  Trying to deal with the current stuff in the moment.  I am reading the book that was referred, but still need some pointers on approaching this stuff, if at all.  Also, should we make him leave his door open or have him engage in more social interaction with the family?  He is 13 btw. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello ATXSmiths,

It is difficult to know what to do, how much to do, and if to do.

Remember that safety is the number 1 concern.  I encourage you to let go of any guilt you might feel for looking through his phone.  He is only 13 and needs limits and boundaries, close supervision, and unconditional love and support from his parents/family.

If your stepson13 was not suspected of having BPD would you allow him on those websites?  If yes... .it is best to monitor rather than forbid as forbidding forces behaviors underground.  Having a cellphone, online access, etc... .are all privileges that need to be earned through responsible behaviors.  If these privileges are being abused then he can earn them back through behaving responsibly.

Talking about self injury is important... .a conversation based on compassion and understanding rather than fear and confusion is paramount... .no judgment.  An honest discussion about intense emotions and how to use words with an understanding and accepting person (like you  ) lets him know you are concerned and there are healthier ways to cope.

At 13 his privacy is important and you need to know he is keeping himself safe.  Setting a limit in advance of crisis... .like... .if we are concerned that you may harm yourself we will need to be sure you are ok and will want your door left open until you are feeling better able to cope.

Isolating is one way that our kids feed their illness... .when my d14 came home from 10 months of RTC isolating was not allowed.  Interacting with the family was a requirement for her continued recovery.  Having meals downstairs every day, conversing about the mundane daily after school, doing chores together no headphones in the car (to encourage conversation) were some of the things in our home contract. 

Without skills your stepson will struggle with all of these... .the most important thing you can do is to Validate him set boundaries and limits gently and firmly and accept him unconditionally.   It would be wise to have the same limits and boundaries (ages taken into consideration) for all the children as the new school year approaches.  This will be both supportive of your stepson while increasing the overall well being of the entire family.

lbj

[ATXSmiths]

Thank you.  Also, if he is mean or manipulative with my other children, how do I validate yet discipline?  Same with when he quickly changes his demeanor to disgust or happens to break something when he is asked to do his chores?

[lbjnltx]

Brothers and sisters are mean to each other, it's that way in most families... .can kids w/intense emotions elevate that past the norm... .yes.  Talking to him and asking validating questions... .like You:  "I can see you are very upset with your brother.  What is causing you to be upset?" You may have to look below the surface for the feelings he has behind his answer. s13: "He is using my headphones without asking me."  You:  "I can see how that would be upsetting.  Do you feel disrespected when people take your things without asking?" s13:  "Yea, he is a selfish brat" You:  "Remember our family limits and values that we all agreed on, that we respect one another and avoid name calling. It's hard to remember not to name call when we are upset and that doesn't make it ok."  You to brother:  "Taking s13's head phones without asking is disrespectful to him.  Please return them to s13 and apologize for being disrespectful."  You to s13:  "Please apologize to your brother for calling him names and disrespecting him." 

It's important to set limits and consequences together as a family... .everyone takes part and has a voice... .it's the buy in.

Addressing the most common problems and attaching the most closely matched natural consequence and then applying them consistently to everyone in the family is what gives them power and meaning.

Allowing s13 to have his emotions, moods, attitude is important so that he feels accepted... .acting out in negative ways that are harmful to others is where the line is drawn.  Validating his emotions so that he feels heard and understood can give him the opportunity to self soothe and get in a more balanced state.