We feel hopeless

[Hopeless Beyond]

My daughter left our home when she was 18 - she is now 20.  She went to live with a guy she met on the Internet - she had only met him once.  She told him we abused her - that is not true.  She thinks we should support her - she can't keep or maintain relationships except with this guy.  She got kicked out of his fathers home (horrible, unfit conditions) because she led his brother on and he threatened suicide.  She came home for three days - we found out she is in the porn industry.  She acted 11 and we were shocked by her behavior.  She asked me if she could go to therapy and she went once - she came home 3 days and left a note saying she left because I forced her into counseling (not true).  This is so surreal - we have beat ourselves up wondering - what did we do wrong - we loved her and always gave her the benefit of the doubt.  She lied and put herself in dangerous situations with men on the Internet - any advice?  We no longer know where she is.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Hopeless Beyond,

I'm glad you are here telling us about your daughter and your situation.  I'm so sorry to hear all that is going on with her.  You must be beside yourself.  :'(

It must be so scary not knowing where she is... .do you think she went back to that guy?  Is he still living with his father?

The choices our kids make can be heartbreaking... .they have so little self esteem and get their sense of value from others wanting/needing/(using) them and can't see it. 

Since she came back once, she will most likely come back again.  Is attending therapy one of the conditions for living at home? 

lbj

[Hopeless Beyond]

Thank you for your kindness; we are guessing she is with the boyfriend, someplace. The condition to live at home was not therapy previously - in the past she liked going - since she left - she appears to have regressed mentally.  He has convinced her he likes her happy (very child like) and we are the enemy.  I think that is how he keeps control.  We are so worried, and she is happy to go along telling him he saved her.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, I can see how this guy is keeping her with him.  Her inability to see what is going  on is the problem here.

Trying to convince her otherwise will most likely backfire.  These kind of relationships (use/control/abuse) don't usually last long. Do you think he got to her while she was with you coupled with challenges of therapy that drove her back to him?

The best you can do is offer her a place of acceptance, love, limits, and support to come back to.  There are lots of ways to grow in these areas through knowledge, skills and self care. We will help. 



lbjnltx

[Hopeless Beyond]

Thank you, we want to learn all we can.  I appreciate your responses.

[lbjnltx]

You are most welcome.

Have you taken a look at the list of Tools yet?  This is a brief introduction to some of the skills that will help improve your communication with your daughter.  Communication is the foundation for relationships... .and can also lead to improvement in other areas like problem solving skills (hers), valuing self by setting boundaries (her), and balancing emotions w/reasoning.

lbj

[Hopeless Beyond]

I will look at them, I had not.  I have read a couple of books, but these tools might be just what I need - thank you!

[lbjnltx]

You are welcome.

Once you get the intro on the Tools, the Lessons will make more sense,  participating in the workshops that are linked to the Lessons/Tools is very helpful for us.

Ask questions here on this board and in the workshops... .getting situation specific feedback will help you personalize the skills and put them into action.

lbj

[Hopeless Beyond]

Thank you, we have a lot to learn.  I appreciate your advice, thank you.