(Ex-)girlfriend with BPD

[Decorum]

English is not my primary language (I'm from Belgium) so I'm sorry in advance if I make any spelling/grammar mistakes. Before I tell my story, I feel I need to tell something more about myself. I'm 27 and I have Asperger's syndrome, therefore I don't make easily contact with other people and also suffer from social anxiety and depression. When I was about 17 I had a 5-year long relationship with a girl. When she broke up with me I got into a deep depression that lasted several years, I was even hospitalized for 7 months because of this. One day I started feeling better, but I told myself never to fall in love ever again.

A few months ago I met a girl online on a community site, and this is where my BPD experience starts. We started chatting and we got along very well. After a few days of talking she admitted she really liked me and felt 'connected' to me. Ofcourse I found this a bit weird since I don't think people can really feel connected to someone after a few days talking online, but I just went with the flow, saying I felt the same. She also was very attractive, so that was weird for me too (I'm not too goodlooking myself, as a matter of fact, it was the first time an attractive girl showed any interest in me) At this point I should've known something was wrong, but I was just too happy to ask myself questions about it.

We continued talking and after 2 or 3 weeks she said she felt she wanted to see me. Not 'sometime later this week' or anything, no, it was 3am in the morning and she wanted to see me RIGHT NOW. I don't have a driver's licence, but she does, so she came to my home. It was nice. She seemed perfectly normal, maybe a bit shy, we talked for a while, even kissed, and when she was about to leave (she had to go to work) she said she wanted to spend the night. Ok cool, I thought. This happend a few times, she coming over, kissing and spending the night. But we never had sex. I wanted to, but everytime I made a move she said "maybe this isn't a good idea".

One day when we talked on facebook she said she felt really depressed for no reason at all, saying stuff like 'nobody will miss me when I'm dead' and she told me she had borderline. Now, I knew some stuff about borderline but I was crazy about this girl, so I was like 'that's ok, that doesn't change the way I think of you'. After that, we still talked but not as much as we did. She used to be on facebook all the time, even sending me text messages to ask if I could come online. I thought it was just because of her depression, but when I didn't hear from her for a whole week I was getting worried.

And here comes the twist. After a week had gone by I suddenly got a message from her saying she had been to parties everyday, taking drugs, never had a sober moment, and worst of all, had sex with other guys. I don't know if it's because of my Asperger's,  but when a girl I like has sex with other men, I completely lose it. When I asked why she told me this, she replied with 'I don't know. I'm sorry you got to know someone like me'. I really didn't know how to react so I just didn't say anything. This was just a few days ago and we haven't talked since.

And I'm so depressed, confused, and I wish I had answers to all my questions but I'm scared to talk to her again after witnessing this transformation of hers. Did she really like me in the beginning, or was she just playing a game? Why didn't she want to have sex with me while she has sex with random guys she met at parties? Will she ever go back to the girl she was in the beginning, the girl I fell for? is she really sorry when she says she is? I have no idea how the mind of someone with borderline works so I have no idea what to do, I've been thinking about this situation non-stop for days. So if someone could give me some clarity about this I'd be very grateful.

[SummerStorm]

Hi, Decorum.  Welcome to the bpdfamily boards!   

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Even when we do know a little about BPD, it take a long time for us to really get a clear picture of what it means when someone we know has it.  I actually knew nothing about it before my exBPD was diagnosed.  As soon as she called me from the hospital and told me she was diagnosed with it, I spent a good 4-5 hours researching it.  But even though I thought I had a good idea of what BPD is, when I saw her in the hospital the next day, I just couldn't hold back my anger, sadness, and confusion.  Once she cut me out of her life and I joined these boards, I started to get a better understanding of why she did what she did.  I'm still incredibly sad and angry about the things she said and did to me, and with good reason.  However, I also know that there is nothing I could have done to change things.  Even if I had known she had BPD when I first met her, it would have been difficult for me to continue to have a relationship with her.  My exBPD also struggles with depression, anxiety, self-harm, and substance abuse, so there are many, many things that she needs to fix before she is ready to have a stable relationship and stable friendships. 

You mentioned that, in addition to having Asperger's, you also suffer from social anxiety and depression.  I also struggle with social anxiety and don't have many friends.  Unfortunately, pwBPD often search out people who have low self-esteem, who are lonely, or who are just really nice people.  They fear abandonment, so what better person to form an attachment to than someone who doesn't have any other attachments?  Because neither my exBPD nor I have many friends, I felt like I had really met someone who understood me. 

Like you, I don't consider myself very attractive at all.  I have very low self-esteem, and even though the people around me really like me and even though my boss frequently praises me for my hard work, I just don't feel very likeable.  I'm 29 and have never even been on an actual date.  My exBPD, with whom I had a very short affair, is very pretty and is just a really cool girl (tattoos, piercings, changing hair colors), so I couldn't understand why she would want to have sex with me and why she told me I'm beautiful.  But I was already in love with her at the point, having been friends with her for several months, so I went with it.

I don't know why she spent the night with you but never wanted to have sex, other than that she was struggling with both fear of abandonment (not wanting to be alone) and fear of engulfment (not wanting to get too close).  This is still something that I find so hard to understand about BPD, since they are complete opposites.  How could someone want to be with me all the time and at the same time not want to be with me at all?

The drugs, parties, and sex with other men were all part of the impulsive nature of BPD.  pwBPD will do anything to try to ease the pain they feel all the time, and they think that drugs, alcohol, and sex will do that for them.  You have every right to be mad that she had sex with other men.  The only explanation I can offer is that she saw those men as just random hook-ups that would never lead to an attachment.  In other words, her fear of engulfment wouldn't take hold.  In addition, because pwBPD fear abandonment and often feel unworthy and feel like they are bad people, they engage in activities that basically validate these feelings.  A random hook-up won't call back (abandonment) and a random hook-up is something that is generally frowned upon by a lot of people (confirming that they are bad people).

Often, pwBPD will say, "You deserve better than me" and similar statements.  Again, they fear abandonment, so they push others away before others push them away.  Her statement to you about being sorry that you met someone like her is basically her way of saying that you deserve better than her.

As far as whether she really liked you in the beginning, I honestly can't answer that.  She certainly thought she did.  The problem with pwBPD is that they often skip "like" and go right to "love."  That's why you hear so many people on these boards say, "She/he wanted to marry me after a week" or "She/he wanted to move in with me right away."  My exBPD and I were just friends at first, and we genuinely got along because we have the same job and watch a lot of the same TV shows.  But even early on in the friendship, I remember saying to someone, "This is the most intense friendship I've ever had with someone."  After only a month or two, she was telling me things about herself that most friends would tell me after a year or two, if ever. 

I hate to sound harsh, but the girl you met at first doesn't really exist.  pwBPD mirror our actions in order to appear like the "perfect mate."  My exBPD did go back to the girl she was, but very briefly, and that was only after she tried to commit suicide for the second time.  Her current boyfriend was the one who called the ambulance, and she reverted back to idealizing him.  He even texted me and said, "She's the same great girl I first met."  Unfortunately, within a week or two, she was right back to where she had been before going into the hospital. 

In terms of whether she is really sorry or not, this is something I still struggle with.  My exBPD rarely apologized for anything, so when she did, I tended to believe it.  Unfortunately, pwBPD also have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, so "I'm sorry" from a pwBPD probably doesn't carry as much weight as it does from someone else.  Rather than feel guilt, pwBPD feel shame.  So, it's not like she doesn't care that she hurt you.  She just has a hard time understanding your hurt.

At the end of the day, you need to decide what's best for you.  This girl knows she has BPD.  Is she getting any treatment for it?  If she isn't getting treatment and isn't willing to get treatment, she is only going to keep hurting you and everyone else. 

I know you're hurting badly right now, but if you stay away from her, that hurt will eventually go away.  If you continue to chase after her, that hurt will keep growing, and when she does eventually leave for good, it will take you much longer to get over it.  Do you really want that for yourself?   

[Decorum]

Thank you very much for your reply, due to my Asperger's I don't really have friends to talk about situations like this. Reading so many stories about BPD is somewhere comforting to know I'm not alone with this, but it makes me feel sad at the same time for everyone who has to deal with BPD.

I'm grateful you took the time to answer my questions, it helped for me to see things a bit differently now. When you said "the girl you met at first doesn't really exist", that kinda hurt, but as I thought about it, I know you're right.  I'm still a bit shocked about the change of her personality, it's really hard for me to understand. Like, when we first started talking she said she didn't drink much, never did any drugs,... In my eyes she was this young shy and insecure girl, looking everywhere for love but never finding it. Now I know she was just manipulating and lying to create this perfect image of herself for me to like her. The fact that I fell into this 'trap' makes me feel so stupid.

To answer your question: when she was in this state of depression and being all suicidal I recommended to seek help, but she simply said she 'didn't like doctors'. I tried convincing her, since I got professional help myself, but she acted like treatment wouldn't help her anyway, so I stopped pushing her.  So I don't think she will ever concider getting help.

When she was depressed I felt like I needed to be there for her (since she claimed she didn't have much friends) because I know how it feels. So I wonder, if she ever starts talking to me about feeling depressed, what would I do? Try to help her until she feels better and starts having these drugs and sex impulses again? I still like her in some sort of weird way, but I know I should let her go. In her last message she also said it would be better if I deleted her from facebook (I don't know why she said that, for trying to protect me?), but I'm not sure I can. Not today at least, I'm still a bit in denial I think)

Sorry for my bad English again and thanks for your reply, I hope you're doing better yourself now? And may I ask, how did you and your ex break up? Do you still have contact with her?

[SummerStorm]

Decorum,

It took me a long time to realize that the girl I was in love with was just a figment of my imagination.  I went back and looked at her Facebook and at her mom's Facebook (the parts I could see, as I don't like Facebook and wasn't even my exBPD's friend on there), and over the past few years, she became a completely different person.  It was actually very strange for me to see her high school pictures.  She doesn't even look like the same person.  She seemed to change her appearance based on who she was dating at the time.  Honestly, I don't think she actually knows who she really is. 

Not long after I became friends with her, she told me that she had done drugs in her past, but that she didn't anymore, and that the girl from her past was someone she didn't even know anymore.  Fast forward two months, and she's smoking pot every day and frequently getting drunk.  She also told me that she would never consider committing suicide again.  Fast forward two months, and she's swallowing 50 pills and being rushed to the ER.

Mine was very shy and insecure, or at least seemed that way.  When we first met at work, she barely talked to me.  It took her a good three months or so to start a conversation with me, but we ended up talking for three hours.  The way she displayed her fears of abandonment always came off as being very cute, such as e-mailing me when there was an assembly at work and asking me if I would sit with her.  We didn't even exchange phone numbers until after we had been friends for about three weeks.  But very quickly, we went from exchanging a few texts each day to exchanging 50 texts a day. 

But when I look back out our conversations, 80% of what we talked about was her.  She would tell me something very emotional, and I would respond appropriately, but when I told her something, she acted like she didn't care. 

When she was depressed, I tried to be there for her, but it was hard because she didn't seem willing to get help.  She was seeing a psychiatrist and thought she was bi-polar, but none of the medications she was on seemed to make a difference.  There really isn't much you can do for someone who is depressed, other than be there for the person.  Now, if someone expresses a desire to commit suicide, it is important for you to take the threat seriously.  Unfortunately, it's often very hard to tell when a pwBPD is thinking about committing suicide because these attempts often happen very quickly.  For example, about fifteen hours before my exBPD tried to commit suicide, we were laughing and joking at work, and things actually felt normal for the first time in a long time.  In fact, she and I had plans the next morning for me to help her with an activity in her one class.  When I went to the classroom, she wasn't there, and no one knew where she was.  It was very scary.

I'm doing a little better each day, but there are also days when I seem to go backwards and feel very depressed and don't want to do anything or talk to anyone.  For example, today was a very bad day.  This whole situation has basically ruined my entire summer.  I'm supposed to be relaxing, preparing for the next school year, but I've just been sitting around, thinking about her.  Her suicide attempt occurred less than a week before the school year ended, and she cut me out of her life a week later.  Now, I go back to work in a few weeks, where she won't be anymore, and I feel like I've wasted my entire summer.  I should be out running, having fun, relaxing, but I'm not.  My parents have both noticed a major change in my behavior and my mood, but I can't just "snap out of it."

The sexual part of my relationship with my exBPD (we were never officially a couple) ended at the end of May.  I was tired of her going back and forth with me, and after she tried a fourth time, I told her I just couldn't do it anymore.  We remained friends, but things were very strained between us.  The last few weeks of our friendship were a constant stream of arguments and her criticizing everything about me. 

The end of our friendship came in mid-June.  I texted her a message that made her mad, but unlike all of the other times this happened, she told me that she no longer wanted me in my life.  I tried for a few days to get her to talk to me, but she wouldn't.  Almost six weeks later, she sent me a very nice card, apologizing for not being a good friend, telling me that I am a major reason why she has decided to get treatment, and asking me to not contact her.  I did text her a "thank you," and we exchanged a few messages, but she then stopped replying again.  She is moving across the country soon, with her boyfriend, so I don't think I'll hear from her again.  In a year or two, I may try to contact her, just to see how she's doing. If she really is committed to getting treatment, maybe she'll be more open to exchanging a few messages with me.  As someone who was very hurt by her words and actions, I do think it would be nice if she would contact me after she's recovered from BPD.