I think there is something to consider here for anyone who feels trapped with a BPD partner, or who has repeatedly attracted similar partners:
Yes, their behaviour is their own responsibility... .
BUT we must ask ourselves ... .why do I
KEEP ON letting it happen to me?
Until we do this, we are not likely to let ourselves have healthier relationships.
Rare is the case where one adult keeps another physically chained up in the basement. But frequently people tolerate unhealthy relationships that most others would not.
And i'm thinking that we do somehow give each other unconscious cues about what we will, and will not, tolerate.
In my own life i have - outwardly or unspokenly - blamed others for my situation. Whether justified or not, in itself this hasn't got me very far.
I'm now beginning to explore the reasons why i've persisted with my own self-destructive behaviours for most of my life.
Recently I came across the blog of David Allen:
www.davidmallenmd.blogspot.comFor those not already familiar with his work, he is a doctor who has treated many BPD patients and others.
His theories are
not shared by all mainstream practitioners, however I find them very interesting with respect to the question about why so many of us make persistently bad life choices.
Basically Dr Allen says that, as infants, we learn that we can placate other family members by doing certain behaviours. We don't consciously learn it - we're far too young - but rather we are conditioned.
Often these behaviours are dysfunctional to us, but perform some role - normally an unacknowledged one - that somehow helps our parent to cope, or gives them an outlet for some unwanted emotion.
Over the course of our childhood, we can get habituated into a 'family role' where we identify, and become identified, with the dysfunctional behaviour.
Dr Allen has named some of these roles, and also borrowed some names from previous psychologists who thought along the same lines.
Some roles are named 'Saviour', 'Avenger', 'Go-between', 'Loser', 'Monster', 'Little Man' etc. You can look them up at the address I gave above.
Several of the roles are scapegoat roles where the child presents troublesome or "sick" behaviour and can then be a focus of blame for the family. This might allow other family members' shortcomings to be overlooked, or justificated.
The child has effectively sacrificed him-or-herself in order to keep the family from imploding (but didn't really get a choice).
The theory is that the dysfunctional role becomes second nature, and we carry it into adulthood where is causes problems in our lives and our adult relationships (where we DO have a choice but have now forgotten).
If this is true, you can imagine that someone habituated to a scapegoat role may become (unconsciously) a target for a pwBPD.
Dr Allen even said, I think, that personality disorders can themselves stem from the sufferer having had a dysfunctional family role.
As i mentioned, these theories are not endorsed by everyone, but when I read about them I personally got a lightbulb moment.
I'm still not sure what, if any, family role I was given. I do recall feeling some unspoken pressures as a child, and believe that certain lessons of upbringing were somehow withheld from me.
It's something I'll be considering further, and I recommend Dr Allen's interesting work to anyone who feels themselves to be trapped or obligated in a personal situation.
