Gay BPD story

[Dimmy]

So this is the stupid silly story a 16-year old might have found himself in but unfortunately it is mine, a story of a 32-year old who fell for a 24-year old BPD. I don't want to diagnose him because I'm no trained psychiatrist but the symptoms seem to match what other people say to describe the illness.

We met over a smartphone app where he was looking for chat & friends about 10 months ago. After a couple of dates we hit it off or I should say I hit it off - I really-really fell for this guy and went straight over the moon - showered him with gifts, was looking to go out as much as possible. I became a little obsessed even but all he said was we're nothing more than friends and a serious relationship does not interest him because he was just out of one longterm relationship which had just ended. I persisted and sometime in a couple of weeks he came to my home after a late night party in the office - all drunk and wanting to have more. Then gradually things got more serious even though he was still online in the app and a sort of jealousy was torturing me because of it. By the end of the three months courting period he finally gave in and said was ready for a serious r/s with me. The romance was really intense - nights without sleep, whole day chatting on the messenger, all weekends together. Finally he moved in almost completely and soon things started to go downhill. He would burst into fits of rage over small things like the type of clothes I would wear on a particular occasion, his moods would change very quickly. Very soon I was walking on eggshells around him. At that time he lived in my apartment without paying for either rent or utilities, eating the food I bought, enjoying restaurants and clubs at my expense without contributing a single coin. He would do no housekeeping, cooking and when he went shopping it was only with me. All he wanted was for me to take care of him. What I wanted he cared little about.

The following things occurred or became apparent to me over time:

- He had a good job which paid maybe three to four times less than mine (and I do quite well) but never paid for anything, not even gifts for his mom and his ex(!) which I bought when we went to Europe for Christmas. At the same time he had a mortgage which he entered into before we started dating and was using all the cash he earned to pay for it

- He admitted to having undetectable hiv after having slept with me once and refused to use protection claiming that he never came inside anyone and had never got anyone infected. I know this is the craziest part - I cannot be forgiven for such lack of boundaries and respect for myself but I was terribly in love and lost all control. When confronted about this he said that if I wanted to date him I should be prepared to get infected even if that never happens. It never did and my latest test came out negative but I'm still not past the six month window... .

- Instead he got me infected with hpv which he had had a long time ago and after six surgeries his warts had gone away. First, he denied that he was to blame and yelled at me for thinking he was. Second he never showed any empathy for my surgeries etc. Finally, all he cared about was that he wanted to have sex even before I healed from my last surgery and was even kind of mocking me for being so sensitive.

- He continued to use the dating apps, changing his pictures and relationship status between single and in a relationship and his welcome word showed as Fun or Now (which implies he was looking for quick sex). The first time i saw it I was hysterical and he comforted me saying this was nothing beyond virtual chatting. I don't believe any of that though. I'm sure he cheated on me and there were "guests" in my apartment when I went away for a day or two. On top he used to brag how he met about ten people over the app in the past three years all of which he claimed to have been in a monogamous relationship in a different conversation. There were other signs too. When confronted about the app he promised to break the relationship off and take a pause which terrified me so I was happy to drop the subject - ie he blackmailed me into abandoning all talk about the apps while he continued to use them because he "had an addiction" to them.

- He wanted to spend every second together doing things he loved - I met him every day after work, ate and drank what he wanted, watched the shows he wanted. If I didn't want to have sex he would lash at me.

- He started to isolate me from family and friends: jealous when I went to a party without him or went to my mom's place for a day or two to help her with things.

- He had no interests or hobbies at all while I have plenty and wanted to share all mine. Common interests and spiritual closeness was what he never seemed to have enough. He even admitted to not having any identity at all and claiming that his existence relied completely on his partner.

- He drank alcohol every single day and was really drunk quite often. Other addictions included socializing over the phone, smoking and occasional playing with drugs. He never thought a thing about driving after drinking.

- Rage at me became constant when I did or said something wrong. At the end of our living together I was constantly alert and could never relax. It was like I was living on the top of a volcano.

- At the height of the rage he would break up with me, next day waiting for me to come back. During the breakup he would immediately start exploring options with the dating app.

- Gradually I started to disintegrate - I was always suffering from colds and minor diseases while before I had been very healthy, I put on weight, was always anxious and could not relax. I started to binge eat. I spent more and more time away at my mom's place where I felt comfortable. People who had known me before said I looked worse. I was easily irritated. This made his rage even worse. I was living in hell. All the time I suspected that he's incapable of empathy and knowing or caring how I feel.

- He never idealized me, instead always wanted me to change both physically (gain muscle) and mentally (to better accommodate his needs). His quote was "prepare to change" and then on another occasion "love me as I am"

- He had only two friends that he met regularly but they never were really close the way friends usually are. Another close friend he had known for 7 years was cut out of his life immediately before we met - apparently he did not allow him to move in after he broke up with his ex last autumn and thus betrayed him.

- There was a lot of lying and inconsistency in his words. Yet he was never ever to blame for anything and easily turned the blame around on me. What shocked me was that his roommate turned out to be his ex. I guessed that quite early on but he denied it. Three months later he said I could've guessed that much earlier even though I did but trusted him!

-I was living in a constant fear of losing him, being guilty for everything that went wrong and was to feel obligation to him for everything. I was like a guilty boyfriend-slash-parent for this guy.

I'm inclined to think that he has BPD. He had an early age parent divorce, went away from home town to the big city when he was sixteen. At the end of the day I have no idea what is true and what is not about this man.

In May I made a decision to move out and cancel the lease. I understood that I would not be able to get him to leave. Even though I welcomed him to stay any night in my house early in our relationship he ended up manipulating me into giving him the extra key to my apartment, yet later claiming that it was I who insisted on his moving in.

When I announced my decision everything immediately changed: he cried, he said he was sorry, said he would change his ways. He said he understood me now. He became attentive, brought me lunch, cared about me, bought me a wonderful birthday gift. He asked for one more month for a second chance to show me he could change... .I gave him two weeks but still left because I simply could not take it anymore. Moving out was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - I shed so many tears... .He went to live in a friend's apartment taking some of my things and all our alcohol. He has overstayed his welcome now and the friend has asked him to get a place of his own. All this time we continued to go out, went away for weekends twice. Most of the time everything was perfect - we had a lot of fun, had sex etc. I started to think that I had made a mistake. He went home to his mom's place for a couple of weeks expecting me to visit. When I did not because I did not have the money for the trip he went into rage. Then we did not speak for two weeks. He came back, I was starting to miss him and sent him a message over fb. One thing led to another and he said he loved me, couldn't breathe without me, thought of quitting his job because it was too close to the place I work. I gave in, went to see him and found out he had nowhere to live and expected me to rent a new apartment and come back to the life we had had before. I said I wasn't ready etc and proposed to help him with renting a room but he insisted on an apartment... .We're stuck now, about to break up. I think I need to let go of him but I seem to not be able to. I feel I will not survive without him and cannot imagine not having him in my life. Of course he was not all bad - I had lots of fun with him, life has had more color and vividness with him, I tend to be less shy, more adventurous and easygoing when I'm in his company. Sex was good before the hpv. I do love him and he seems to genuinely love me too, yet in his own very special way.

I feel a  fog surrounding me which clears on one day and I feel we have no future but then I start to miss him, feel lonely and sense like I'm losing a part of me and the fog thickens. This is definitely the most intense relationship in my life and I am completely stuck.

I don't know if I should give him a second chance - I could do that in a week's time but I feel reluctant for some reason. He lashes at me for being indecisive and taking so long a break. He says he has lost all sleep, is crying all the time... .I'm not saying that I have been perfect in this relationship: I gave him the silent treatment when he yelled at me, I tended to keep sensitive things to myself not always ready to share, I did spend a lot of time helping my mother who due to a difficult life situation needed me around and as a result did leave him alone for days. But still some part of me thinks that I did do no wrong to him and if I give him a second chance things will quickly get back to where they were before I moved out.

I feel I need a perspective on this, so I would appreciate any sort of advice. Am I the bad guy?

[SummerStorm]

Really, it doesn't matter if he has BPD.  Having said that, you basically just described the male version of my former friend, who was formally diagnosed with BPD, so your concerns are definitely valid.

When we are caught up in the crazy world known as dating a pwBPD, there are often many things that we miss.  These often only appear to us after we have begun detaching and understanding BPD and why the relationship didn't work. 

First, don't get hung up on age.  I'm 29 and fell for a 22-year-old pwBPD.  There are people in their 40s who have fallen for one.  So strong is a pwBPD's pull that even people who have plenty of dating experience can be easily pulled in.

The first thing that concerns me is that he gave you HPV and seems to have concern about possibly giving you HIV or anything else.  One thing you need to be very aware of is that impulsive behaviors, including unprotected and promiscuous sex, are a hallmark of BPD.  My female former friend BPD, with whom I also had a very brief affair, was very open about the fact that she never makes her male partners wear a condom.  She is more the type to cut and run from one relationship into another, and she expressed to me that I was the first person she'd had an affair with since high school.  I have no idea if that's even true, and even if it is, she always has sex very, very early in a relationship and doesn't take the time to find out about her partner's sexual history.  When I questioned her about having unprotected sex, she just replied, "I'm on birth control."  To her, the worst thing that could happen is an unplanned pregnancy.  Contracting an STD didn't even enter her mind.

Of course he was not all bad - I had lots of fun with him, life has had more color and vividness with him, I tend to be less shy, more adventurous and easygoing when I'm in his company. Sex was good before the hpv. I do love him and he seems to genuinely love me too, yet in his own very special way.

The question you need to ask yourself is if the color and vividness he brought to your life was truly good.  Like you, I felt less shy.  I felt like my life finally had meaning.  When I woke in the morning, I always had a text from her.  Before she went to bed every night, she sent me a "goodnight" text.  I thought my life was better with her.  But then, I took a step back and looked at things from a different lens.  Yes, I was less shy and more easygoing, but I was also engaging in risky behaviors--texting her while driving, sexting her during work--that could have caused serious damage or gotten me fired from a job I love.  Basically, pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a small child, and even though they may graduate college and have impressive jobs, they are basically stuck in childhood and adolescence.  Ultimately, I realized that I was starting to act like a teenager myself.  That's cute when you're 16, but not when you're 29. 

You said he seems to love you in his "special way."  I'm of the opinion that pwBPD can love.  However, their love is very immature and can change like the wind.  It's not uncommon for a pwBPD to profess love for a significant other after only knowing the person for a few days.  I've read stories of Nons who heard "I love you" on the first date.  The thing is, his love for you will never equal your love for him.  pwBPD can go from love to hate in a millisecond.  Real, true love doesn't change like that. 

All of the push-pull you describe is due to two things: fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.  Once he attached to you, he moved in pretty quickly because he feared abandonment.  But, as you mentioned, things soon went downhill very quickly.  This is because he felt engulfed and started pushing you away.  pwBPD have an ability to make us lose all reason.  I was ready to move in with mine and start thinking about marriage while she was still with her boyfriend and we weren't even a couple yet.  When I look back on it, I realize how absolutely crazy that was.  Normally, I wouldn't even move in with someone I was friends with for less than a year, much less a potential partner.  I don't even like living with people!

This push-pull ends up being a terrible cycle.  It can go on for years, depending on how the pwBPD operates and depending on how much the Non is willing to put up with.  My former friend had boyfriends who just up and left her because they couldn't take it anymore.  Her current boyfriend has endured both verbal and physical abuse, but he keeps on going.  Often, there is a final push, when the pwBPD is completely done idealizing the Non and is doing nothing but devaluing.  This is what happened with me.  One day, she just decided that she'd had enough.  No matter how hard I tried, there was just no way for us to go back to the way things were.  I wanted to just be friends with her, nothing more, as we were always better as just friends, but she had painted me black, and she couldn't see me as anything other than a bad person. 

Even though I welcomed him to stay any night in my house early in our relationship he ended up manipulating me into giving him the extra key to my apartment, yet later claiming that it was I who insisted on his moving in.

This is very common.  pwBPD tend to have no boundaries.  Mine would basically just invite herself over to my house, with little regard for my schedule or my parents' schedule.  With her boyfriend, she was staying at his place 3-4 times a week.  This started less than a month into their relationship.  She tried to turn it back on him and tell him that the reason they always slept at his place was because he didn't feel like driving to hers.  Eventually, she basically just moved herself in.  She came back from a vacation in April, and the next day, she told me that he had asked her to move in.  I will never know the whole story, but I'm 95% sure that wasn't the truth.  A week later, she told me that the move was "temporary."  All I know for sure is that, a month later, her bed and a lot of her other belongings were still at her old apartment.  She tried to tell me that her boyfriend was selfish because he didn't help her move and never made space for her stuff, but I think it's pretty clear that he never asked her to move in.  That's why he didn't help her move,  .  He didn't realize she was moving in!  After she tried to commit suicide, I told her boyfriend that I had been concerned about her moving in with him because she was under a lot of stress and had been cutting again.  He replied, "She's basically been living with me for a few months now."  The word "basically" in that statement speaks volumes.  It says to me, "She just sort of started staying here all the time, even though she still technically lives at her apartment."  Either way, like your pwBPD, she is living there and not paying rent or helping with any bills.  She also claims to be sick quite often, so he spends a lot of time taking care of her.

He wanted to spend every second together doing things he loved - I met him every day after work, ate and drank what he wanted, watched the shows he wanted. If I didn't want to have sex he would lash at me.

This is also very common.  Because pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a child, they are often very selfish.  They will do nice things for us, but it's often because they want us to compliment them on how wonderful they are.  I worked with my former friend BPD, and she once brought me an iced tea and a candy bar in the morning.  I thanked her, and she just looked at me like, "That's it?  That's all you have to say?"  It was like she wanted me to make a huge scene about how amazing it was that she bought me some snacks.  She would draw pictures for me and expect me to tell her all about how fantastic they were.  But when I drew her a picture or did something for her, I was lucky if I got any verbal response at all.  I would write her these long, heartfelt e-mails and make her handmade cards, and she never once thanked me or replied to the e-mails.

The last time she ever slept over at my house, she ignored me all night and barely even kissed me.  Then, when I was fast asleep, very late at night, she tried to wake me up to have sex with me.

He started to isolate me from family and friends: jealous when I went to a party without him or went to my mom's place for a day or two to help her with things.

Really think about what you said here.  He was jealous of her mom, the woman who gave you life.  This is fear of abandonment coming to light, in a very ridiculous way.  Mine was also jealous of my parents and would barely talk to them when she came over.  She was also jealous of co-workers and would sit and pout if I talked to other co-workers and didn't focus solely on her.  Social isolation is unfair and dangerous.  It can end up destroying friendships and family relationships you value.  It damaged the friendship I've had with someone I've known for nearly eight years, and it created a lot of tension between me and my parents. 

He drank alcohol every single day and was really drunk quite often. Other addictions included socializing over the phone, smoking and occasional playing with drugs. He never thought a thing about driving after drinking.

I overlooked all of these things, so I get it.  But are these really qualities you want in a partner?  I hate smoking, absolutely hate it.  My former friend BPD smokes cigarettes and also smoked pot, but I was like, "Oh, that's okay.  I can deal with that."  I used to tell myself that I would never even be friends with a smoker, much less think about marrying one. 

He never idealized me, instead always wanted me to change both physically (gain muscle) and mentally (to better accommodate his needs).

Idealization doesn't always revolve around physical traits.  Idealization is about the pwBPD forming an attachment very quickly and then thinking that the other person is the one he/she has been waiting for.  Idealization begins right after the attachment is made, making it easy for the pwBPD to think that the other person is perfect, since he/she knows very little about the other person.  Eventually, because the Non isn't really perfect, he/she will do something that makes the pwBPD mad and shatters the image they had of the perfect mate. 

As the relationship progresses, the pwBPD will start to find other imperfections, including physical ones, that he/she overlooked during the idealization stage.  Mine told her boyfriend to stop working out because she hates really muscular men.  She told me that she wanted me to start buying my underwear at Victoria's Secret, change my hair, and wear makeup.  As much as she supports LGBT rights and as open as she is about her bisexuality, she was also very concerned about not looking like a stereotypical lesbian couple.  That being said, she would also ask me about taking her to Tegan and Sara concerts and told me that we would wear plaid when we went.  Like all pwBPD, she has no concept of who she really is.  She changes her hair and her clothing style as often as I change my underwear.

Am I the bad guy?

An easy answer to this question.  No, you are not.  He is the one who can't regulate his emotions.  He is the one who is impulsive.  He is the one who has no respect for you or your health.  He is the one who can't respect boundaries. 

You've obviously invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship, and I know how hard it can be to let go.  I didn't have a choice.  Mine discarded me and cut me out of her life.  You have a choice, and you're the only one who is qualified to make the choice that you think is best for you.  You can give him a million chances, but nothing you can do or say will make things go back to the way they were at the beginning.  Believe me, I tried.   

 


   

[Dimmy]

Hi SummerStorm

As I am reading what you're describing I catch myself saying "Ahaaa... ." at the end of every sentence.

- For the HIV he has had it for more than five years apparently due to promiscuous behavious when he was 19-20. Mind you of course he was in a serious relationship at that time with someone else because he has always been living at someone else's expense and at someone else's place but not his own. This promiscuity of his has been one of the  for me in terms of "diagnozing" him with BPD. It is true that many men do sleep around but he seems to not be able to resist the impulse to do that - not that he wants to be unfaithful to his partner and bring him misery. During one of our long discussions he said that he would not be able to commit in a relationship where the two partners don't live together - he said it would take him hours to sleep with someone else because there would be no reason for him to be faithful. This sounds ridiculous to me though it makes sense for a person suffering from severe impulsivity.

My biggest concern with the disease is that not I might get infected (this would be on me because except for our first night together I was informed) but that he would not think it would be a big deal if he infected me, something I should be prepared for and not blame him. At the same time I think that if I was in his place I would first of all be suffering from terrible anxiety because of the risk of my infecting someone and would do all I can to prevent it by using protection, meds etc. So I believe that his attitude here is simply narcissistic need to avoid any possible blame even for potentially criminal activity (and putting someone at risk of contracting HIV without their knowledge is a criminal offence in most countries).

For the moving in part, exactly - I just had an extra key made to my apartment just in case - if I go out and he's still asleep he'd be able to lock the door and both of us would still have the key - obvious things. But he said that he felt that my giving him the key is such a big step and he's very keen to get it because he's now ready for the serious relationship. So he basically manipulated the key out of me when I was terribly infatuated. At the same time giving someone the key does not equal having them move in but that's what he did. Most of his stuff he didn't need most of the time was left at his ex's apartment all of the time we were living together. And I was reluctant to have him bring that stuff to my place because I wasn't really ready for a full-blown shacking-up. He hinted at it many times but I let it pass. But at the same time he had all he needed at my place and spent every single day and night there. So I'm very much like the boyfriend you're describing.

There was a time I needed him to go because a person who didn't know about us was to visit early next morning but he said he had nowhere to go and refused to cooperate, so it was I who had to leave my apartment to meet the person in a different place!

Anyway, he has not been able to get me to rent an apartment and has broken up with me, saying all the nasty things about me, and that he needed someone he could share all the time and all his life with etc. and that he would go back to live at his ex's apartment. Yet, on the same day he was waiting for me outside my office building, though 15 minutes before he said that he would not want to meet me because it would be too painful... .This seems to be a story that cannot be ended. Finally I gave him money for a room which he has rented and now I am trying to go NC.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, there are plenty of people who sleep around, but it's the inability to resist doing it that makes BPD so hard to deal with.  A few days before she and I had sex for the first time, my exBPD texted me and told me that she had considered leaving her boyfriend for me, but that she was in love with him and knew that starting a relationship with me would not be a good idea because she'd still be thinking about him.  She told me she needed to start practicing restraint and that she knew how bad she'd feel if he thought about another girl as often as she thought about me.  A few days later, she told me she wasn't even sure if she wanted to keep plans to stay over at my house later in the week, and when I asked her to because it would give me comfort to have her there, she replied, "I will consult with my other half and get back to you." 

Fast forward to the end of the week.  We decided to just spend a few hours at my house, watching movies.  She came back to work from being on vacation and e-mailed me all day.  She called my classroom that morning.  She drew me a picture.  We watched the first movie, and as it went on, I noticed that she had gone from sitting upright, pretty far away from me, to leaning up against me.  Then, she tried to hold my hand, and I said, "We can't."  The first movie ended, and she went to get another one.  She came back into my room and jumped up onto my bed (I have an old antique bed that is very high off the ground) and landed right on me.  I laughed and said, "Get off of me, dork."  A second later, her lips were on mine.  It was like she had zero self control.  After a few minutes, I stopped her and told her we couldn't, that she was getting ready to move in with her boyfriend (I now know that was a lie), and she just ignored me.  Several times, I mentioned her boyfriend and tried to stop her, and she continued to ignore me. 

I'm not proud of the fact that I had sex with her that night, and it's not at all how I wanted my first time to go, but I was so afraid of losing her.  I was afraid that if I stopped her, she would get mad and leave and never talk to me again.  And she had already told me that she cared about me and had considered leaving her boyfriend for me, so I wanted to try to "win her heart." 

Later that night, I said to her, "I thought you said you were trying to practice restraint?"  She just laughed. 

What you said about the key is interesting.  I guess I never thought about it, but with my exBPD's boyfriend's work schedule and his cousin not always being at home, my exBPD must have gotten a key.  It's so funny, now that I think about it.  The day she said she was moving, she even pretended to be busy that day and told me she would have to talk to me later.  I had this image in my mind of a big moving truck and her moving her stuff into his place.  I realize now how stupid I was.  She told me he asked her on a Wednesday night to move in.  She spent that Thursday hungover and stressing about coming back to work.  She worked all day Friday and came to my house Friday night.  She wouldn't have had any chance to pack her stuff. 

A few weeks later, she randomly asked me if I knew anyone who owns a truck.  This was during one of her "I want him, not you" periods, and I assumed it was so she could move more stuff, since at that point, she had told me that she still had some stuff at her apartment.  I lied and said I didn't; I had no intention of helping her move into his place.  It never came up again.  That, paired with the fact that she told me her boyfriend was being selfish and not helping her move in, proves that she just kept slowly moving her stuff without ever asking if she could formally move in.  I'm assuming the truck was for her bed and other large items, and that when she first started moving stuff in, she told him it was because she was spending so much time there. 

It's amazing how much stupid stuff a pwBPD can make us do.  Yes, in any relationship, we get caught up in the excitement of it all and sometimes make questionable decisions, but pwBPD can make us go against our beliefs, can make us do things we said we'd never do. 

It's really spooky how similar you are to her boyfriend.  Everything that she did to him yours did to you.  And again, he gave what sounded like logical reasons for everything.