I believe it's time for me to fly

[getting_better]

Divorce mediation a couple of days ago.  I was pleased with how the 4-hour session went. Biggest issue was custody of our 15-year old son, and I was grateful that my attorney was very much up to speed on my dBPDstbxw's mental / emotional situation.  He was great.  Another mediation session will be scheduled in about six weeks after we see how some tentative weekly overnights with mom go.  I was pleased that she agreed to allow our son to choose whether or not he was comfortable with his mom on any given night.  He's very cautious and careful with his mom, which is understandable.  

Felt encouraged about the whole thing.  We got a tentative agreement on alimony and how to divide the business.  

Can't get this song out of my head: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5TtEXChu1k

[ForeverDad]

Wow, I don't recall that one but it is spot on.  I always thought of Culture Club's Do you really want to hurt me?:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nXGPZaTKik

Or Madonna's Borderline... .

Not sure what to make of the lyrics but Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart resonates with me.

[Thunderstruck]

That all sounds to be going pretty well. I'm glad to hear that mediation worked out for you.

Custody of S15 shouldn't be too much of a battle, he's old enough now that the judge will listen to his opinion (if you end up even having to go as far as trial).

[ProfDaddy]

Excellent news.  I recently had to revisit a parenting plan because my D14 was having trouble spending time with her D BPD  mom.  As D14 got healthier and became more uncomfortable spending time with her BPD mom, she got pushback.  Her mom quoted the parenting plan and threatened legal action to force D14 to be with her on her days.  So, this and other problems pushed us back to court.  

The parenting plan now reads that she be "allowed significant discretion regarding the parenting time exercised with her parents. The parents acknowledge that due to her age and maturity and further interaction with her counselor, that it is in her best interest to be allowed continuing discretion as to the day to day schedule and holiday and vacation times."  

I kept the language neutral, saying "parents" instead of pointing the finger at her mother -- sure, D14 could decide to spend time there instead of my house (with lots of rules here)... .but I'm not worried about that happening and the parent-neutral version was not controversial.  

Maybe I'm just rambling, but it could be important to provide a legal escape hatch for when visitation becomes too intense for your son.

[ForeverDad]

The parenting plan now reads that she be "allowed significant discretion regarding the parenting time exercised with her parents. The parents acknowledge that due to her age and maturity and further interaction with her counselor, that it is in her best interest to be allowed continuing discretion as to the day to day schedule and holiday and vacation times." 

I kept the language neutral, saying "parents" instead of pointing the finger at her mother -- sure, D14 could decide to spend time there instead of my house (with lots of rules here)... .but I'm not worried about that happening and the parent-neutral version was not controversial. 

Maybe I'm just rambling, but it could be important to provide a legal escape hatch for when visitation becomes too intense for your son.

Of course, the child or children would necessarily have to be strong enough to choose to spend more time in the stable home with the stable parent.  Not all children can do that, the pressuring and slick manipulation and guilting from the disordered parent makes it very hard for the children to make the right choices.  Fortunately your children have already shown they're firmly on the side of peace, calm and a reasonably normal home life.

I separated when my son was 3.  For years it was clear he always sought to be and stay with me.  But finally when I had enough legal basis to seek custody, when he was about 9 years old and used to the equal time schedule, she used his growing sense of fairness against him, convincing him that current equal time was 'fair'.  I did get custody but GAL was unwilling to extend majority time to me.  A couple years later we were back in court yet again, no surprise to me.  Late 2013 was the only time the magistrate saw our son.  After all these years he didn't have the gumption to say one way or the other but the decision noted that he was more comfortable when speaking about his father.  I got majority time but only during the school year.  I can tell he tries to get more time here but he's still unwilling to talk negatively about his mother, just sometimes.

[gary seven]

Forever Dad:

Well sir, your title says it all.

In the maelstrom of the BPD, we must maintain the example fo being "the normal paernet."  I have fretted and stewed over what will happen when I get divcorced, with the kids, custody & whatever else may flung like cow dung at me.

I know my oldest (S11) has a connection with me --he sya s it subtly like he wants to go to my alma mater (the only one out of 500 kids that "graduated 5th grade; he had straight A's), I tell BPD wife when he got hoem from camp to stop riding him (clean up the floor, etc), because he will be entering Middle School on Monday.  He even tried out for band.  He wanted to play the alto sax like me (however a reed instrument is really hard to get if you never tried one ( I had lessons since 4th grade).  However, he was perfect for the trombone & I hope he gets it.  He was delighted to have something like me.

My younger two (D&S 8.5) are much more imprinted by BPDw.  It will be a harder and different struggle.  I have to remind myself the minimum I can c do is be the normal parent since I don't have the skills to really connect/reverse the damage she has inflicted.

G7