We need to coin a term for this behavior...

[thefixermom]

... .or maybe there is one already.

I was thinking tonight about the immeasurable number of things we've done for our daughter over the years... .the list could make a book and how she always says a warm "thank you" at the time of each occurrence but then it is utterly forgotten and the very next time she wants me to do something if I don't do it, then I'm worthy of disgrace and no contact.   For instance, these past three months, I spent several days cleaning up her trashed RV so she could sell it, DH sold a car for her, we put a ton of her stuff in storage after sorting it ourselves, gave her free rent, cleaned the big mess she left behind.   And now, she calls from out of state and wants me to go to court for her so she can try to get out of a $75 fine.  I turn her down and we are back to no contact. What a horrible mother I am!  There is no looking at the balance of things and saying, "No worries, mom, you've done so much for me already, it's okay."   

So, I guess I'll refer to it as "favor eraser" for now, ... .every favor is erased when it's time for a new one.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunfl0wer]

I mean this respectfully:

Codependent

[Turkish]

You're all good... .until you're all bad by not meeting her needs. Splitting:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

My D did this to me tonight because I refused to get her a new popscicle when the one I opened broke in half.  She started out with the pleading, then the defiant voice, demanding a new one. I stood firm as she dysregulated. Then I took her to her room for a time out. When I put her on the bed, she told me, "I don't love you!" I said, 'that's ok. I still love you.' "No!" Then I turned to leave and she reached out for me (push-pull, abandonment fear), so I picked her up and she hugged me tight. 5 mins later, she was eating her broken treat and had split me white again. Yes, she's 3, a lot easier to deal with than an adult child by miles.

[lbjnltx]

She is trying to get her needs met in the moment... .the intense emotions she has in the moment override her reasoning and logical mind where past favors are remembered.

Before I do a favor for my d... .or anyone for that matter I ask myself if I can do it without any expectations.  Favors are like gifts, given without any strings attached.  Doing this has kept me honest with myself and stretched my ability to let go, be charitable, and not hold a grudge.  If I can't give the gift without expectation then I politely decline and ask what other ways my d/other person can get their need met.

With my d I try very hard only to give gifts that are not enabling her to avoid her responsibilities or deter her from developing her problem solving skills.  We are usually able to work together to get her needs met through her own abilities.

This is a lot of work... .for me.  It's usually much "easier" short term to just do what she asks of  me and overall it isn't the best choice long term.

lbj

[Kate4queen]

She is trying to get her needs met in the moment... .the intense emotions she has in the moment override her reasoning and logical mind where past favors are remembered.

Before I do a favor for my d... .or anyone for that matter I ask myself if I can do it without any expectations.  Favors are like gifts, given without any strings attached.  Doing this has kept me honest with myself and stretched my ability to let go, be charitable, and not hold a grudge.  If I can't give the gift without expectation then I politely decline and ask what other ways my d/other person can get their need met.

With my d I try very hard only to give gifts that are not enabling her to avoid her responsibilities or deter her from developing her problem solving skills.  We are usually able to work together to get her needs met through her own abilities.

This is a lot of work... .for me.  It's usually much "easier" short term to just do what she asks of  me and overall it isn't the best choice long term.

lbj

This Exactly.

[twojaybirds]

Oddly enough, over time, I have found the less I do for my dd the more she does for herself and the more she has come to appreciate when I OPT to do something.

It took a good year of me sticking to my guns, not enabling, but supporting in ways I wanted to.  And I would tell her so, "I am taking you shopping because I just feel like buying you a dress today.  I cant get shoes but would love to get you a dress or shirt."

I bought my dd a car a few years back, mechinaclly sound beater car because I felt better that she was sleeping in her car rather than on the streets, and she did have a job. But there was NO way she was moving back in here.

When she found a place I offered to help move her in (which I did) but when she moved out a month later (with no place to go)  I did not help and she was v=back in her car.

It took me a lot of training myself, and reading and being on this board to have the strength not to respond out of

FOG (fear, obligation guilt) but  rather provide gifts as I want to when I want to.

Think long term for you not her.

[js friend]

So, I guess I'll refer to it as "favor eraser" for now, ... .every favor is erased when it's time for a new one.

I love this term thefixermom

Before I do a favor for my d... .or anyone for that matter I ask myself if I can do it without any expectations.  Favors are like gifts, given without any strings attached.  Doing this has kept me honest with myself and stretched my ability to let go, be charitable, and not hold a grudge.  If I can't give the gift without expectation then I politely decline and ask what other ways my d/other person can get their need met.

... .We are usually able to work together to get her needs met through her own abilities.

lbj

Yes it is much easier to let go without expectations and that has helped me a lot and certainly gives me more inner peace, but what Iam finding is that dd has pretty high expectations of me!

In her words when she is raging she will say things like "if you were a better parent you would know that you should do this or that", or "if you were a better grandma you would know to do this or that for the gc."... .And that hurts. :'(

I really find that hard not to take these comments personally as I have always done my best in terms of giving up my time (rather than gifts) to help her with as I know she will never ask for help. If offer to have gc she seems happy at the time and then later it becomes that "you only have them when you want them!" and it has completly nothing to do with the fact that I work long hours and Iam often working away... Every blow up im accused of not helping enough. I wish we could mutually work together but often it is dd way or no way.Nothing is every good enough.

Oddly enough, over time, I have found the less I do for my dd the more she does for herself and the more she has come to appreciate when I OPT to do something.

I agree here.My dd has become very resilent over the years.She left home at 17yo pratically couch surfed for 1yr and I didnt rescue her at the time, but helped her along the way to independence and now she has a bit of stabilty and gc have a very nice home. I think it helped to do this rather than rush in and rescue her.Shes always want to be an adult and do adult things from about 8yo so it was best she experienced what it was like to be an adult.

Iam thanked at the time for doing things but then every blow up  Iam accused of not helping enough. I wish she would open up so we could work together more but she seems so closed off as it is either dds way or no way.

Maybe it is the splitting and she is genuinely happy with the help and appreciative with the help i give at the time and then when iam split black then it becomes insignificant. Iam still trying to work it out... .Its all so confusing