Repeat After Me ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Something my partner quite often does when she's angry at me:

She'll rant at me in the way in which I'm sure you'll be familiar.

Then, to make sure the message goes into my stubborn thick head, she'll make me repeat a phrase, such as

"I'm a lazy f****** b****** who only cares about himself"

Sometimes she'll get me to 'shake' on it as well.

Does anyone else's partner do this?

If so, what response do you find works best?

I've tried arguing - BIG explosion as you can imagine.

Even keeping quiet or changing the subject is a problem, because she is even more stubborn than me and will make a point of getting louder and louder until I roll over.

These days I just tend to repeat the phrase to get it out of the way. Maybe I'll inwardly re-promise myself that divorce at the same time.

I used to seethe a lot inside at this point but lately have been trying to remain calmer and see the bigger picture, whatever that is.

I'm just wondering if there's a healthier way that I'm unaware of.

And what effect might this behaviour be having on both of us?

Is it like some kind of negative affirmation that could eventually be harmful to my mind, or is it a harmless way of closing an argument - provided of course that I don't actually believe the phrase I've been told to say?

Any thoughts?

[Svarl1]

Something my partner quite often does when she's angry at me:

She'll rant at me in the way in which I'm sure you'll be familiar.

Then, to make sure the message goes into my stubborn thick head, she'll make me repeat a phrase, such as

"I'm a lazy f****** b****** who only cares about himself"

Sometimes she'll get me to 'shake' on it as well.

Does anyone else's partner do this?

If so, what response do you find works best?

I've tried arguing - BIG explosion as you can imagine.

Even keeping quiet or changing the subject is a problem, because she is even more stubborn than me and will make a point of getting louder and louder until I roll over.

These days I just tend to repeat the phrase to get it out of the way. Maybe I'll inwardly re-promise myself that divorce at the same time.

I used to seethe a lot inside at this point but lately have been trying to remain calmer and see the bigger picture, whatever that is.

I'm just wondering if there's a healthier way that I'm unaware of.

And what effect might this behaviour be having on both of us?

Is it like some kind of negative affirmation that could eventually be harmful to my mind, or is it a harmless way of closing an argument - provided of course that I don't actually believe the phrase I've been told to say?

Any thoughts?

[halfalump]

That sounds awful! I feel for you.

I haven't had this specific interaction with my w, but she will certainly say things like, "You've ruined everything! Happy now? Answer me! Are you happy that you've ruined everything?" Getting angrier and louder the longer it takes me to give her some response.

This is hard, because there's no "good" way out of it. You can allow your ego to get bruised or you can fight back, which will only lead to a worse outcome. In these situations, my feeling is the first order of business is to get to a place where she is less dysregulated. If shaking hands and agreeing to her assertion helps her calm down, then maybe that's the thing to do. When it comes to emotional communication, "It is better to be effective than to be right."

That said, perhaps there's a way to reflect back what she's saying in a way that isn't so abusive but that allows her to still feel like her feelings are being acknowledged. Like, "Wow, you really sound angry! If I understand you correctly, you feel like I was being lazy and selfish when I did/said _________________, is that right? I guess if I were in your position, I might feel the same way." This should hopefully be validating to her experience, which can help her calm down a little, and opens the door to some kind of two-way communication.

[vortex of confusion]

And what effect might this behaviour be having on both of us?

Is it like some kind of negative affirmation that could eventually be harmful to my mind, or is it a harmless way of closing an argument - provided of course that I don't actually believe the phrase I've been told to say?

Any thoughts?

Forcing somebody to continually repeat negative things about themselves is NOT good. Yes, it IS harmful to you. You might be able to repeat it without believing it now. At some point, if you repeat that crap enough, you might start believing it.

Even if she isn't making you repeat it, having somebody say those things about you is abusive. Period. It is NOT okay to say those things to another person. It is even more heinous to make somebody repeat those things.

Have you read much about boundaries and how to set them? It doesn't matter how she reacts. This sounds like a case where you need to set some rather firm boundaries to protect yourself mentally and physically.

How long have you been with this person?

If you don't have much invested in the relationship, I would run away as fast as I could. Nobody should be put in a position to have to say such ugly things about themselves.

[Svarl1]

Many thanks both for your replies.

halfalump, I think you have a point there.

Some of her complaints do have a grain of truth to them, even if her response is way over the top.

By listening for the details i'm sometimes able to identify where i may have been unreasonable to her, and apologise for that. It does seem to improve matters, perhaps because this more thoughtful apology comes across as genuine, as opposed to just 'going through the motions'.

It's just hard because i've often been too quick to get on the defensive - then i'm raging inside and not thinking clearly or listening properly. Getting better at remaining calm though, gradually.

vortex, your point about boundaries is also a good one. I'm beginning to see some truth in the saying "people will treat you how you allow them to".

Boundary setting has worked for me in the past, when the relationship was violent and eventually I left for a time. Since then no more violence because she knows the consequence.

I'm considering whether i should also set this consequence against certain non-violent destructive behaviours. Ideally i'd like a wider range of boundary consequences rather than only the 'nuclear option', but i feel a bit at a loss there - assertiveness has never been my strongest suit.

I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years. It was so overwhelming at first, i didn't know what was going on, and though i was going mad! I only even found out about BPD in the last couple of years.

The internet, including sites like this one, have been a godsend. Knowledge is a wonderful thing, and hopefully in future people will be a lot more switched-on to behaviour patterns that they encounter and participate in.

Most of all, I'm beginning to look at my own responsibility for situations that i get into.

Of course i could leave for good - I'm a grown adult and not legally responsible for the life of another grown adult - but so far i have not left for good.

Most people would NOT allow themselves to be in this situation.

This can only mean something in ME is holding me back. It's been so tempting over the years to blame entirely my partner, or her dysfunctional family, or circumstances beyond our control.

Now I need to find out WHY I play my part in this.

Anyone still reading this, and feeling trapped themselves, TAKE NOTE:

Until you take a hard look at YOUR OWN REASONS that you allow all this to happen to you, you'll NOT YET BE FREE.

[halfalump]

Some of her complaints do have a grain of truth to them, even if her response is way over the top.

I think there usually is at least a grain of truth if you are willing to look for it. It's definitely hard not to go on the defensive when you feel attacked. At the same time, being open to communication and less defensive might help to lower her own defenses some, which will potentially lead to a better quality of life for you both.

As far as boundaries are concerned, just remember that boundaries are about you and what you're willing to put up with, not about controlling anyone else's behavior. E.g. "If I feel physically threatened, then I will need to get myself to safety," is a boundary. It's all about your feelings and your response to stimulus. As opposed to, "If you do [bad behavior], then I'm going to [punitive response]," which is just manipulative.

[Lucky Jim]

Then, to make sure the message goes into my stubborn thick head, she'll make me repeat a phrase,

Hey Svari1, Why do you go through this charade?  To get her off your back, right?  When you shake on it, do you keep your fingers crossed behind your back?  Just kidding, but this is absurd.  I'm sorry you are so enmeshed.  Have you read about codependency?  Most of us Nons (including me) have codependent tendencies.

LuckyJim

[an0ught]

This is abusive. Quite possibly she is repeating a pattern from her childhood but that is no excuse. In any case it is not the way respecting adults relate to each other. Please read up on boundaries and think about how to protect youself.

[Learning_curve74]

I just wanted to chime in and agree with the others that this behavior is not healthy.

The central dogma of staying is that the pwBPD is mentally ill, and we have to accept that they will sometimes do unhealthy negative things and even possibly never change. To stay, we must always take care of ourselves. We can validate their feelings but should not validate the invalid. We should defend our boundaries. When we follow a negative path, we are conditioning them and ourselves to continue to behave in negative and unhealthy ways. We can only play our part, and we don't want to set up patterns that are negative and destructive in the long term.

Sometimes the "nuclear option" was the only one I could come up with that could cope with what was happening. I would always couch it in terms of myself, i.e. I don't feel loved, comfortable, or safe right now, so I'm leaving the room/house. Then I would always leave.