10 Days NC, Returning to Vulnerable Seducer? 2 Emails from her

[daz_bpd]

To update anyone that is not familiar with my posts, the topic below gave a brief summary of the typical behaviours

bpdfamily.com > Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD  > [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship  > Topic: I cannot do this anymore, her Blame Obligation Guilt Saga continues, Im done



Before I left the situation was dire, she was broke again, had pawned or sold all the possessions I gave her, or was given to her by her family, had accrued massive debt (still unpaid to this day) and lost her job and her place in her studies to complete the Bar.The abuse and threats became so hostile and destructive that i simply cut her off. she would easily call me 30-100 times a day, day and night, disrupting my sleep and work and making me feel miserable, regardless of what I did or 'didn't do'. Now i get these emails from her

____

EMAIL ONE

Babe, can we still be together while we both develop ourselves? I feel so alone, and the thought of you not being mine is a burden. It crushes me more than anyhing else.

I go on skype and you're not there. I'd get messages and its never from you. I miss you so much.

Having you and knowing that you love me will make so much difference, in everyday at least I know I am not a stray dog with no owner.

I also want to help you and make it up to you, so that you will feel loved like how you did when you first met me.

I would want to stay in bed the entire day and just mourn and cry thinking of you and your sweet smell. But I cant. I have to get going. And yet everyday my heart is so heavy without you.

Please reconsider and I promise I won't withhold love care and passion from you anymore, at any point. I want to support your wants. I read your website and it just makes me feel terrible that I didn't take you seriously. You are more than gold or Hermes, or anything. I am lucky to have such an intelligent person.                            I feel so much for you babe, and I can't be with anyone else. I am yours and I want you as MINE.

Love, *****

EMAIL TWO

Babe my Dad paid for the Bar problems. And I have a new job at the law firm. I would love to share the stories with you, and I wanna know how things are with you.

Please talk to me and don't shut me out. We are meant to be together. I see God's purpose of giving you to me. He couldn't have sent anyone who can't do the job of changing me and making me realize whats important.

I can make you very happy. I am sure. And I will.

____

Right now, I am reading these emails with much scepticism and disbelief. Even if her dad helped her and she has a new job, that didn't stop her from financial ruin. Historically, her 'good' behaviour is temporary, she gets bored or upset and then the trouble starts all over again.

"in everyday at least I know I am not a stray dog with no owner." - the possession, ownership, control themes here worry me and make me feel uneasy. We are not meant to have such control over another.

And when she talks about god it makes me cringe, she would be religious when it suits her. I have no religious beliefs, but would go to mass with her at difficult times because it would make her feel happy and care for. Then I would ask her why we not going today, and she would 'not care about those things anymore'. 

This whole saga is really disrupting how I am engaging in others. I want to feel what is like to be in a healthy relationship, not one that includes concealment of the truth and deception, control and neediness.

Do I just stick to no contact, leave her alone? Probably... .

[Turkish]

He couldn't have sent anyone who can't do the job of changing me and making me realize whats important.

This reminds me of something my Ex said, "I need someone to lead me and guide me," the unspoken thing being that I failed to do so. No, she actually told me that I failed a month before that. I think then I fully realized that my job was being her emotional parent. I knew that in some ways before that that I was something like her Jiminy Cricket (moral conscience). That dynamic is unhealthy, but some people can fulfill those roles. What do you want here? You posted on Undecided. Are you thinking of reengaging in this?

[vortex of confusion]

Are you thinking about re-engaging with her?

If so, go back and read some of the other threads that you have started. I seem to recall a few on the Staying board.

How long do you think it would take for things to go back to her sending you horrible messages?

What has changed since the two of you last spoke that make you think that things would be any different this time?

[daz_bpd]

I was thinking of re-engaging and replying to her. She is begging to talk to me again. I just don't think its healthy for me to continue to interact with her in any capacity.

I really wanted to know from members whether this is likely the Vulnerable Seducer Phase all over again, if they identified commonalities with their pwBPD.

i do want to validate her and encourage her positive behaviours. Except it wouldn't be fair to her to lead her on either. Right now I am still NO CONTACT.

[GaGrl]

Stay No Contact.

[Hawk Ridge]

I believe many, if not all of us, have been in the phase you are in right now... .trying to make a decision when our physiological pull is the addiction of return and our intellectual/logical part analyzes the disease.  As time progresses away from them, we acknowledge the disease is a very important part of this but so is our behavior, our codependency.  The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what phase she is in except that it: a) validates us, which is important because if you are like me, it is easy to go to our denial system that this simply can't be true... .and it us; b) that said validation would move us to our next piece, the realization this condition/the chaos/the harm to themselves and us does not just go away without protracted treatment; c) the question of self-love - "do I really want to live in this kind of a relationship?" ":)on't I deserve to be in a relationship where we can consistently celebrate each other?"

No one can answer these questions for you.  It's been almost a year and a half for me.   For much of it, I sounded like you did.  I too started on the undecided board.  I soent a great deal of time crying that she is BPD, thinking I could just go back and be the strong one, that we would have a happy ever after.   As each day passes, my self-love grows to the point where I continue to care about her as a person, a friend with a safety cushion for me.  That means super low contact but no conflict.  I know now what kind of person i want to be in relationship with, not a person who ruins every birthday and holiday, not a person who runs away when I need them, not a person who makes up facts to get out of a situation, not a person cannot problem solve as an adult couple.  I want an adult relationship.  I am grateful this relationship brought me that gift, clarity.  I deserve it.  You deserve it.  Whatever decision you make, be kind and loving to yourself and remember that you too will realize more about what really works for YOU every day and that you can keep coming back to these boards to not only get information and understanding but also support.  God speed

[babyducks]

I was thinking of re-engaging and replying to her. She is begging to talk to me again. I just don't think its healthy for me to continue to interact with her in any capacity.



I really wanted to know from members whether this is likely the Vulnerable Seducer Phase all over again, if they identified commonalities with their pwBPD.

i do want to validate her and encourage her positive behaviours. Except it wouldn't be fair to her to lead her on either. Right now I am still NO CONTACT.

I don't think it matters if she is in vulnerable seducer mode again because she won't stay in that mode long.

Encourage positive behaviors also means you have to consider the flip side, discouraging and disengaging from negative and destructive behaviors.   Something you have not been able to do in the past.

Someone with this level of volatility should not be messed with.   Going No Contact and then reconnecting will fuel more volatility.   

Pay attention to your own feelings.   It's doesn't feel healthy because it isn't healthy right now.