Wow, never thought love could be this hard

[scgator]

First off, hi everyone. Glad to see there are such great resources available for stuff like this. This being broadsided by life and a woman with BPD traits and no diagnosis.

We were introduced by a close friend of hers and business associate of mine. Things moved fast, for both of us - I'm guilty of trying to sweep her off her feet and used words like never and always. I've realized I've got codependent traits, if not full blown codependence. I fell hard and fast and it was that mythical kind of love within the first month. Anyway, things seemed great (meaning little red flags were ignored by me) and I moved in with her after 3 months. Then the wheels fell off - it started with accusations of lying, then of cheating - the lying/cheating theme was recycled over and over for the next 5 months. During the first episode, she seemed to have a psychotic break, became suicidal, needing me to "save her" by admitting I was lying and I cheated. This did not happen so I was in shock. During this episode she became physically violent, bit me in 2 places leaving marks and scratched my face. Threatened to kill herself and later, me. There were 2 other episodes of violence, after the second I said to not put her hands on me like that again. After the third, when she said to get out of her house, I moved out. I tried to get her to see a therapist and am also guilty of becoming the co-dependent enabler. I didn't put up boundaries and reacted from childhood wounds to her accusations. I did the typical moves - defensiveness, anger, defending myself, withdrawing, keeping my feelings hidden to prevent upsetting her, hoping she would see I love her (anything I did was never "enough" and see none of that ever happened and we could go on. There was a lot of belittling and put-downs, constant comparisons to her ex-boyfriend, then later, her ex-husband.

I've done a lot of BPD reading and am currently in therapy for myself. I've done some reading on trauma-bonding as well - just trying to figure out WHY. I know I'll never really get answers to why she did the things she did or why she treated me the way she did. I'm working on the "why I stayed" part - definitely a childhood leftover. I'm also trying to figure out why I want her in my life so badly after everything. I'm sure that's also childhood leftovers + trauma-bonding. Literally, my body would shake whenever she would start, I am tired constantly and I lost almost 20lbs in about 2 months. Driving home from work was stressful because I never knew who I was going home to. I realized I'm afraid of her. I grew up afraid of my brother - he was 10 years older than I and used to hold me down, cover my mouth and plug my nose. I was probably between 4 and 8 years old when this was happening. My parents didn't believe me when I told them - ring a bell? She didn't believe me when I told her I never did the things she accused me of.

I've read others' accounts and can see the pattern. Anyone else have any insight as to why we miss them? Why we feel like we need them? Heck, I'm starting to feel like I am a sociopath after all this. It's scary and crazy that I could have let someone do that to me. The good was so good, the bad was so bad, the distrust was epidemic. I think the lying/cheating was projection - she told me she cheated, then said she didn't, then did, then didn't - over and over again either just to hurt me or to keep me so off balance that I wouldn't know what to believe. She was shocked when I told her she was the one telling lies. It was just so hard to communicate anything to her. I don't want to believe someone that I loved and loved me could do that and then look at it and say I'm the horrible person that used her and discarded her. Right now I'm very sad and probably in full blown depression. On a positive note, this has opened up the world of reparenting and getting in touch with my inner child for me. I've done some inner child work in the last week and am working hard to get in touch with emotions I've buried nearly all my life. All the while, dealing with this incredible urge to reach out, text, call, email, something to show her I'm still here - this is the ambivalence my therapist wants me to work on. I know life is all about change, and this is an excellent opportunity to make myself whole. It's just sad that I can't even share that bit of positivity with her.

[an0ught]

  sounds like you are on a good path wit a capable guide. Often the seed for us tolerating abuse was put in the ground years ago.

[SummerStorm]

Hi, scgator.

It sounds like you've already made good progress on why you got into this relationship and why you stayed.

As an0ught wrote, we often stay because it's familiar.  We know deep down that it's wrong, but it's also all we know. 

I think another reason why we stay is because the amazing feelings that we feel during idealization are like a drug, and we keep longing for a fix. 

For me, there are a lot of reasons why I stayed.  I won't get into all of them here, but I do think that one reason is because the happiness I felt during idealization was very similar to the happiness I felt as a child when I got up and opened Christmas presents or had birthday parties.  I've been trying to reclaim that happiness for years.  The way we experience holidays and special events as children is often much different from how we experience them as adults.  Generally speaking, unless we are super rich or are blessed with a huge social circle of people who seem to never have plans of their own, after we become an adult, our birthday is just going to be another day.  I still get cards and phone calls from loved ones, but nothing can compare to the feeling I got when I was a kid and had a big birthday party with friends and family who were all paying attention to me and acting like I was the most important person who ever lived.  For me, it's the same with Christmas.  Once my belief in Santa faded, Christmas just didn't feel as special.  And getting gift cards and appliances just isn't as exciting as getting toys when I was a kid. 

Being with my exBPD gave me that euphoric feeling that I hadn't felt since I was a kid.  I didn't want to give it up, even though the bad things were really, really bad. 

My exBPD wore me down so that I had no fight left.  I just started to accept everything she did.  When she was in the hospital and confessed to a huge and hurtful lie that she had told me, my response should have been to get up, walk away, and never talk to her again.  That's what I would have done in any other relationship.  Instead, I sat there blankly and said, "Yeah, I thought maybe you had lied about that."