why did you stay?

[klacey3]

So at the moment I am trying to figure out with my T what got me into the relationship and why I stayed when it so one sided and abusive.

So far I have realised that my self esteem is low and I put his needs before my own. I also realise I see him a bit like a patient. Most of the men I havr been with have been needy or messed up in one way or another... .1 had a disability, 1 had both parents die when he was 5 (his dad was a murderer), 1 had a parent that used to hit his mum. And this latest one claims to have had abuse in his childhood and obv suspected BPD.

What I can't work out is why after everything bad he has done (the lying, the accusations, putting me down, insults, projections, manipulation etc) why after all that I still feel such the urge to go to him and be there for him and try to do everything to make him feel better... .thoughts welcome

Apart from the love and thinking they could change why did you REALLY stay when things got bad?

[valet]

Hey klacey3, I'm glad that you're starting to perform some self-examination here. Most of our stories are similar in this way. We were using our pwBPD to cope with deeper wounds. Noticing and changing those tendencies is where our personal growth occurs.

My story is similar to yours. I stayed with my pwBPD because of my previously established internal 'role'. That didn't come from just anywhere, though. It developed due to my unstable family dynamic.

Long story short, I felt like it! In other words, I didn't know how to not feel like it.

But remember, feelings =/= facts.

[SummerStorm]

Excellent topic, klacey3!

Well, the reason I became her friend was because I was lonely and have low self-esteem.  I hadn't had a real friend, as in someone I actually spend time with outside of work, in over four years.  One night, last November, when I was getting ready to leave work, she passed by me in the hall.  We stood there for three hours and talked.  

She's seven years younger than me, and some of her behaviors were really cute.  I now know that they were all part of BPD, but they were cute.  Before I knew it, I had developed a crush on her.  This was a problem, as she had a boyfriend and I thought she was straight anyway.  So, I pined away for her.  Soon, she started telling me all kinds of things about her past and about how everyone abandoned her because they think she's crazy.  My rescuer side took over, and I spent a lot of time just trying to be there for her.  She told me that I understood her like no one else.  

Soon, she started criticizing her boyfriend, and then she came out to me as bisexual.  I was shocked.  I thought she was 100% straight.  So, I decided to win her heart.  It's hard finding lesbian/bisexual teachers, and here was one who actually enjoyed talking to me!  I have never dated, and I saw this as my chance, finally.  I was convinced that we were meant to be together.  Eventually, we had sex, she told me she was going to leave her boyfriend, she convinced me that I was the one.  We were going to get married.  We were going to have babies.  We were going to adopt a kitten.

I'm still trying to figure out why I still want to go to her.  I think a large part of it is that I waited 29 years to find someone and to have sex.  I thought my search was over.  I thought that all of those years of waiting were so I could finally meet her.  I had never had someone send me sexy messages or tell me that I'm the one.  It dramatically raised my self-esteem.  I felt like I was walking on clouds.  A part of me also thinks that I'm a better fit for her than her boyfriend, to be honest.  

A lot of the things I felt when I was with her are things that I feel at home, with my mother.  So, it felt familiar.  I love my mother a lot, but she has a hard time with empathy, frequently dismisses my feelings, and practices social isolation.  So, my exBPD not caring about my feelings and telling me to get over it is something I am used to.  Having someone spend all her time with me and not letting me talk to other people is something I am used to.

[disorderedsociety]

Things were actually worse at the beginning and as I helped her get her basic treatments covered she was more rational and loving. I stayed because of fear (ego.) Any reason it could come up with: she's not gonna survive, its "meant to be," I'm afraid noone will love me again, scared to be in the world alone.

I knew deep down inside that if I was gonna have such thoughts I should do the loving thing and leave. She never understood, and I understand. My presence clearly was not helping and my ambivalence triggered her worst fears. Better for her to find a guy willing to take on the responsibility.

Things will always work themselves out for the best. You just have to be present.

[Remiman]

I went through and feel all that you've described. I was just out of a long term relationship where my needs were never met. I don't know why I never left early, before the kids came, as it was like that from the start. Then when I met my new love, wow. She made me feel wanted like I'd never felt before. She was also young and gorgeous. My absolute dream. How could I have landed on my feet like this! But then came the put downs, anxiety making references to other guys from the past and there was always someone chasing her. Without exception, EVERY time I was with her, and it was almost daily from the start, another guy got mentioned. An ex, an ex abuser, some guy who chatted her up, some random who added her on Facebook etc etc. I was constantly on edge. She would pick fights then tell me how she could understand why my ex of 15 years left me, how (after an on/off period) what I was doing to her mentally was far worse than what she went through when she was physically abused and raped. But always followed with a pull. But we had good times. She was awesome at times. I'm still hopelessly in love, and I know I gave it far more chances than I ever thought I would be willing to, and know deep down that I was beginning to hate myself for going back to her. I genuinely felt like I couldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore. But you know what, as therapeutic as this all feels, I know that if she turned up at my door right now, I would probably fall into her arms.

[zundertowz]

Money was tight, I'm co dependent, she had 2 kids I love... .but i should have definitely left a year earlier.  The positive about staying was I found this website while still in the relationship and I think I detached and fell out of love with her while still in the relationship.  What got me into the relationship was being extremely lonely after being single for a few years after a 8 year relationship... .internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

[rotiroti]

I think I had pined for her for a very long time. We were initially friends for almost a decade and throughout the years got progressively closer together. During our last reunion before the r/s I was actually involved with a very kind and normal relationship, but something was missing.

For whatever reason, I always thought about the BPD and how she needed to be rescued. Months leading up to our reunion she love bombed me and told me about how she felt that destiny/God had made me... .no us for each other. Of course at our reunion we drank and hooked up.

The scary thing was I didn't feel bad for cheating on my r/s and broke up with the normal girl ASAP. Only if I know what I know now!

[SummerStorm]

internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

So true.  I thought, "Ok, she suffers from depression.  I can handle that.  Lots of people suffer from depression and are in healthy relationships.  I may just have to understand that there will be days when she doesn't want to get out of bed.  I'll just use those days to get work done or read a book."  Yes, there were other things that she mentioned from her past, but she told me that her past self was a different person, so I chalked her past up to bad decisions made by a teenager and the fact that she had to move whenever her mom got divorced and moved on to a new guy.  I thought I would definitely have to keep my eye on her, but she said she was ready to settle down and start acting like an adult.  Boy, was I wrong... .

[zundertowz]

internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

So true.  I thought, "Ok, she suffers from depression.  I can handle that.  Lots of people suffer from depression and are in healthy relationships.  I may just have to understand that there will be days when she doesn't want to get out of bed.  I'll just use those days to get work done or read a book."  Yes, there were other things that she mentioned from her past, but she told me that her past self was a different person, so I chalked her past up to bad decisions made by a teenager and the fact that she had to move whenever her mom got divorced and moved on to a new guy.  I thought I would definitely have to keep my eye on her, but she said she was ready to settle down and start acting like an adult.  Boy, was I wrong... .

Pretty much the same senario... .chalked her past up to being dumb and making bad choices and bad partners... she also said she was so happy she found me and was sick of playing the field and wanted to settle down... .normally crazy is easy too spot but she had an answer for everything and had the manipulation down to a science. 

[twanda2020]

Good question. I think one of the reasons I stayed for so long was because that is what I grew up seeing. My Mom's parents made it 50 years, my Dad's parents made it 40+ years, and my parents are on 44 years. They all have there dysfunction, part of committing is for better or worse right? Or so they like to tell you. First time I saw my Ex I was instantly drawn to her. We where in our early 20's. I thought she was the one. It was only 3 hangouts and we slept together. That was that. Jumped in way to fast. So many signs that this relationship needed some help it if wasn't going to bad. She suffers from depression and from what I can tell BPD. I am codependent, so I thought I could fix her, help her, rescue her. The more I tried the worse things got. It was the perfect storm. Once we started living more like friends and not like partners, things seemed to get better. I spent so much time in the relationship I just guess I wanted to try and work through things and see if we could get back the intimacy. I think I was scared of leaving, I didn't want go through dating again, I was shamed because I failed at making it work. I think also now that I am really taking a look at things I didn't want to face myself, my own insecurities, issues, etc. If I was busy taking care/controlling of things, rescuing, then I didn't have time to look inside. Kind of funny because I like myself (most of the time ). I am struggling with myself right now and it's scary. I am learning to love myself as I am. I know I am not all those awful things I was accused of being. I am not perfect, but I am good person who deserves happy healthy friendships and relationships. So does everyone on here and in the world including me Ex! Much !

[greenmonkey]

internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

So true.  I thought, "Ok, she suffers from depression.  I can handle that.  Lots of people suffer from depression and are in healthy relationships.  I may just have to understand that there will be days when she doesn't want to get out of bed.  I'll just use those days to get work done or read a book."  Yes, there were other things that she mentioned from her past, but she told me that her past self was a different person, so I chalked her past up to bad decisions made by a teenager and the fact that she had to move whenever her mom got divorced and moved on to a new guy.  I thought I would definitely have to keep my eye on her, but she said she was ready to settle down and start acting like an adult.  Boy, was I wrong... .

Exactly that - I met her online, I did not have a clue about projecting, mirroring etc and she had manipulation down to a very fine art. Looking back at conversations I had with friends just after I met her I mentioned lots of red flags to them but then chose to ignore them.

The red flags appeared time and time again, was love is blind, and she got me hook line and sinker. I dumped her after 9 months after I discovered her profile on a dating site, and then stupidly got back with her, going against everything I believed in about not going back to an ex.

I have learnt so much from the whole experience not to ignore red flags, and run as fast as I can away and never ever go back after it has failed first time, and trust my gut feelings.

[SummerStorm]

internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

So true.  I thought, "Ok, she suffers from depression.  I can handle that.  Lots of people suffer from depression and are in healthy relationships.  I may just have to understand that there will be days when she doesn't want to get out of bed.  I'll just use those days to get work done or read a book."  Yes, there were other things that she mentioned from her past, but she told me that her past self was a different person, so I chalked her past up to bad decisions made by a teenager and the fact that she had to move whenever her mom got divorced and moved on to a new guy.  I thought I would definitely have to keep my eye on her, but she said she was ready to settle down and start acting like an adult.  Boy, was I wrong... .

Exactly that - I met her online, I did not have a clue about projecting, mirroring etc and she had manipulation down to a very fine art. Looking back at conversations I had with friends just after I met her I mentioned lots of red flags to them but then chose to ignore them.

I first met her when she student taught at my school.  She had organization issues, and her mentor teacher said that she was lazy and also suffered from insomnia.  But I thought, "Eh, she's 22, not living at home, and student teaching.  It happens.  My desk was a mess when I student taught, and student teaching messes with your sleep."  She seemed so nice and shy.  She also cried a lot, and I just figured it was because her mentor teacher can be a jerk sometimes.  When she came back for a sub position after having a month off, I ignored all of the bad things that other people said about her and defended her. 

When I told a co-worker/friend that we had been sleeping together, she replied, "Look, you can do what you want with whomever you want, and I do like her, but she's bad news." 

Projecting didn't happen until several months in.  Mirroring was subtle, so I didn't notice it.  Manipulation was also subtle and hidden behind her "I'm a victim" persona.     

[Gonzalo]

I convinced myself that the problems were fixable and temporary, that my lack of relationship experience was contributing, that the big red flags were explainable, and I was her chance to have a stable, normal life after all of the chaos. The last one is because of my tendency toward white knighting , which I can keep a better eye on now. For the others, I have issues with depression and anxiety, which I've learned to manage very well. I'm very good at taking the various doubts my head comes up with and dismissing them as temporary and fixable, I've had years of practice. What I did wrong was put the relationship inside my defenses, so all of my years of practice at ignoring unreasonable problems were suddenly applied to ignoring the shouting, manipulation, projection, selfishness, and more that she heaped on me.

[klacey3]

I convinced myself that the problems were fixable and temporary, that my lack of relationship experience was contributing, that the big red flags were explainable, and I was her chance to have a stable, normal life after all of the chaos. The last one is because of my tendency toward white knighting , which I can keep a better eye on now. For the others, I have issues with depression and anxiety, which I've learned to manage very well. I'm very good at taking the various doubts my head comes up with and dismissing them as temporary and fixable, I've had years of practice. What I did wrong was put the relationship inside my defenses, so all of my years of practice at ignoring unreasonable problems were suddenly applied to ignoring the shouting, manipulation, projection, selfishness, and more that she heaped on me.

I know how you feel gonzalo, I feel similar to you...

I do have a feeling like I want to save him. Partly because he actually told me I was his saviour and that apparently I am his only hope to be happy... what did you feel you need to save your BPD ex from? Save them in what way?

[Loosestrife]

internally I knew I was taking a huge chance but never even knew people like this existed... .I thought worst case scenario she would be untrustworthy not Jodi Arias.

So true.  I thought, "Ok, she suffers from depression.  I can handle that.  Lots of people suffer from depression and are in healthy relationships.  I may just have to understand that there will be days when she doesn't want to get out of bed.  I'll just use those days to get work done or read a book."  Yes, there were other things that she mentioned from her past, but she told me that her past self was a different person, so I chalked her past up to bad decisions made by a teenager and the fact that she had to move whenever her mom got divorced and moved on to a new guy.  I thought I would definitely have to keep my eye on her, but she said she was ready to settle down and start acting like an adult.  Boy, was I wrong... .

I can relate to this. I don't think I could ever date anyone with mental health problems again after my last r/s with a pwBPD

[Gonzalo]

I do have a feeling like I want to save him. Partly because he actually told me I was his saviour and that apparently I am his only hope to be happy... what did you feel you need to save your BPD ex from? Save them in what way?

She was this sweet, funny girl who's life was a mess and always filled with chaos, so she was never able to get her feet under her and put it all together. I thought that I would be able to give her a solid relationship with a caring partner who has a stable job and living situation. She'd be able to live with me and get her financial situation in order, get a solid job, and work on herself without having to worry about much of anything. If what she told me was accurate, I would have been the perfect partner for her - she could have settled in, worked on her issues, done fun things with me and other people, gone to credit counseling and used the fact that she wasn't paying rent to get on top of her debt, and become someone with a solidly anchored life that wasn't moving crisis to crisis.

The problem was, of course, BPD distorts self-perception so much. Her relationships were unstable because her uncontrolled anger, push-pull, and general selfishness tore them apart, not just by coincidence or running into bad people. Her finances were a mess, but it had mostly to do with her, not bad luck - she refused to go even go talk to a credit counselor, and instead of saving she kept wanting to spend more (like get pets). She didn't believe she had significant issues so didn't have anything to work on there. Providing a stable environment didn't give her comfort, it just made her work hard at destabilizing the environment; when we'd mange to get rid of stressors instead of taking some time to settle down and enjoy the stability, she'd stir the pot with a new demand or argument or project.

It's all just sad really.