Missing my exBPDgf... if she called, I'd break NC

[JohnnyShoes]

Needing some encouragement.

*IF* my exbpfgf called me... .I would talk to her and most likely... go back into the Hole.

Yes, the ridiculous is happening. I'm fighting MYSELF. Im missing her... .and would like yo make up.

But I know I'm not gonna call her... .I'm not going to be the one that makes contact.

I'm angry too. I'm effin angry that she was pushing me away AND WOULD DENY IT... .WOULD EVEN BLAME ME.

I am kinda sad and feeling FOOLED because, just 3 days ago... she was texting and saying that bllsht... I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU... .

Which was only written to see my response. To get a reaction... .I knew at that moment it was bllsht... .

Just wish it werent

[JohnnyShoes]

Is there anyone here that can talk to me about this? To validate my experience. To even say that they Understand ?

[ponywise62]

I'm new here, and you're at a stage I'm familiar with, exhausted from the cycling, but it's hard to comment when there aren't specifics.  You're hurting and tempted to make contact.  Right?

[JohnnyShoes]

Yes. I'm exhausted. Just want to say fk everything. IDC anymore.

[ponywise62]

Well, there's the rub, and in my humble opinion, a trap:  When you are too exhausted to go on, and you quit, you feel almost a guilty (naughty?) relief.  If there is no going back, you are stuck in love with no way out.  I've been no contact, not my choice, and all I can do I agree with you, and say, "Fk it."

[Darsha500]

I'm in a similar position my man.

I've initiated NC, and she has got in touch with me once so far via an email I didn't have on file. So far I haven't responded, but I'm so tempted. So much so that if she were to try again, I'm not sure I'll have the strength to resist responding.

I heard a song today from rise against that has really helped me with the grieving process. It's called "this is letting go"

Here are the lyrics. - check out the track as well.

Once upon a time I could take anything, anything.

Always stepped in time, regardless of the beat

I moved my feet, I carried weight

What I could not do I faked

I dug seeking treasure

Just to wake up in an early grave

So I stopped right there and said

Go on alone, 'cause I won't follow.

This isn't giving up, no this is letting go

Out with the old dreams I've borrowed

The path I carve from here on out will be my own

The path will be my own

This is the part where the needle skips

And the chorus plays like a sink that drips

A syllable repeating, like a warning we aren't heeding

Until all of a sudden we noticed it

When the wheels brace and the tires grip

A map we've been misreading

A defeat we're not conceding

Until now

There must be some other way out

Go on alone, because I won't follow

But this isn't giving up no this is letting go

Out with the old dreams I've borrowed

The path I carve from here on out will be my own

A path to take me home

(Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!)

The wind died

The whole world ceased to move

Now so quiet

Her beating heart became a boom

We locked eyes

For just a moment or two

She asked why

I said "I don't know why,

I just know"

The wind died

The whole world ceased to move

Now so quiet

Her beating heart became a boom

We locked eyes

For just a moment or two

She asked why

I said "I don't know why

I just know

I just know"

Go on alone, 'cause I won't follow

This isn't giving up, no this is letting go

I made most of all this sorrow

I tried to brave this discontent, but now I'm through

I'm letting go of you.

This is letting go

This is letting go

Once upon a time I could take anything, anything.

[SGraham]

Is there anyone here that can talk to me about this? To validate my experience. To even say that they Understand ?

I totally get you. I tolerated far more than i should have from my BPD exgf and she broke up with me. Despite the pain she put me through, i still kinda want to be with her and would probably talk to her if she contacted me. If youd like to talk about your experience feel free to msg me anytime 

[JohnnyShoes]

Thanks you guys/gals...

Rough night. Very rough.

Woke up better... a little better. Not so engulfed in that crp.

I gotta get ready to start a new job.

I'm a guy, so that means I can only do one thing at a time... .and do it well. Lol

I have an opportunity to change my life with this job. Not a great job that I would tell my friends and neighbors, but it will help me $$ to get out from living in this dump of a place I've been in for the past 4 years.

Its time to ride the bull and stay on for the 8 secs.

I was still paying for (emotionally and financially) the damage caused by no.1 exbpgf of 2006.

Actually she was Satan's daughter. Thankfully she disappeared from the area - no sightings in 2 years.

Anyway... just wanted to get on here and read some and say Thanks.

The things stills stands though... .if she called (BPD or no BPD) I may talk to her.

But if she hurls that Blame Me bullsht ... then she can take a hike.

[JohnnyShoes]

Just to clarify.

If my exbpgf calls, I may talk to her... not gonna run from her. But at the same time...

IM NOT WAITING BY THE FKING PHONE EITHER!

Have a good day peeps.

- JohnnyShoes