This seems like a very bad idea.

[Verbena]

My DD30 is doing much better since I first posted her over two years ago.  She is married and has an 8-month old son.  However, I see the BPD still and feel that an idea she and her mother-in-law have is a really bad one. 

Since she was four years old, my DD has always had "enemies."  Her current main enemy is her SIL, her husband's brother's wife.  Since my daughter came into her husband's family, even before they were married, there has been drama with the SIL.  This has affected the entire family, including my son-in-law's relationship with his brother.  Now there are three small grandchildren, including my grandson, who are being affected by it.  This makes me sick. 

DD's MIL, who I know well and love, has said to me that she has never had to deal with anything like this before.  I wanted to say to her, "WEll, you never had my daughter in your family before either.  Can you not see the connection?"  Of course I didn't say that.  I said nothing. 

DD and MIL are very close.  DD repeatedly reminds me that she is the better DIL, she and her husband are better people than her SIL and BIL, that her MIL "sees it" when it comes to how poorly treated she has been by the SIL, and that MIL is on her side.  It's always about choosing sides. 

Two months ago, the subject of this estranged relationship between her sons and their wives came up between the MIL and me.   I told her how sorry I was that things weren't better.  MIL made several comments that let me know she views things very differently from the way my DD says she does.  In fact, I realized recently that DD has flat-out lied to me about a recent situation concerning her SIL.

Now, my DD and her MIL have agreed that counseling is in order.  The SIL and BIL are not involved.  In fact, they know nothing about it.  First my DD and her husband will have a session with the counselor, then her in-laws, then all four of them together.  I think this is a terrible idea.

If this counseler challenges my daughter's thinking in any way or if my DD perceives any criticism of herself, all you-know-what will break loose.  My daughter has made it very plain to me that she does not consider herself at fault in any way for the situation with the SIL.  Any suggestion on my part that she let this go for the sake of the grandchildren has been met with near hysteria. 

Even though DD's MIL has seen some of what my daughter is capable of and has even been the target of her rage once (that I know of), she seems to have no concept that DD cannot tolerate being wrong or being questioned.  I have briefly thought of telling my SIL what I fear could happen and ask him his thoughts, but I don't know if I should.  I will most likely do nothing. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

Tough spot. I would hold my breath and pray, but say nothing.

[js friend]

I also wouldnt say anything as I really do believe that in time all things will be  revealed.

I wouldnt say anything and let nature take its course.Sometimes I think it helps if we take a back seat. Yeh we can see the train wreck ahead of us but we have to let it play out.Being back in the FOG will always keep us stuck. As i see it your dd is willing to try therapy which is a good thing and always a bonus.What happens after that is not your responsiblity. If your dd and MIL are close as you say then you never know things may just go better than you think they will. If they dont they you havent had a hand in it.

[Verbena]

I know I probably won't say anything because the last time I said anything to anyone about her BPD behavior it blew up in my face. DD's former best friend came to me with serious concerns, we talked, and DD found out.  Drama like you would not believe. 

DD's MIL was told all about it (as were MANY other people) because DD wanted people "on her side."  The friend was painted blacker than black and DD believed (and still does) that I was manipulated into my conversations with the friend and that the friend told lies.  The fact that I had serious concerns myself that had nothing to do with the friend, concerns that pre-dated my ever knowing this friend, were never addressed.  They didn't happen.  The BPD diagnosis ten years before didn't happen either. 

Her MIL knows about all this drama from over two years ago.  She also was the recipient of some  horrible texts from my DD on the morning of her wedding--texts accusing her of not being "on her side" after DD felt mistreated by the evil SIL at the rehearsal dinner the night before.  So MIL has to know at least a little about how DD operates.  Yet, she is the main push behind doing this counseling.

My best option is to pray about it.  I also think I will not ask any questions about how the counseling went.  I never bring up SIL to her anyway and try to say as little as possible about her. 

My feeling is that DD does not want this situation to be resolved.  If it were, she would lose her biggest enemy.  And she must have enemies.  She always has.  She would still have a few enemies, but they are all tied to the SIL in one way or another. 

I don't see any change happening until DD is able to admit her part in all this, to see that she has contributed to it, that her thinking is what is keeping it going.  That is what I will pray for specifically.