Feel Anxious, worried…

[satahal]

Just putting this out there for any words of encouragement that might come back.

My daughter with BPD is doing okay. She is loved by her family and her husband. She has a few friends, not many but a few is a lot for her. She's committed to her treatment, goes to therapy, and group therapy and complies with medication. She works out, tends to her home, cooks, volunteers a tiny bit and just took a very, very part-time job. It may sound like a lot but it's not - she doesn't work every day or even every week. She was once a very high achiever and was very productive until she finished grad school. Now, it seems with no clear goal to work towards she's sinking into deeper and deeper hopelessness.

It's hard to explain this - on one hand she's functional as I described and I can see her implementing new styles of communication and behaviors. On the other hand - life is so unappealing to her - nothing gets her excited. There's nothing she really looks forward to or if she does it's also negative - like she's looking forward to a trip but it sucks because it's too short, or she doesn't have enough money to do what she'd like to do or whatever so she might as well not go at all. She'll go but she never comes back and says, "Wow, that was cool!" She never ever seems to have a moment of "I can't wait to do that" or "That was amazing!" You know? Just flat, flat, flat affect, and always looking at the negatives of everything.

It's hard for me to understand how she will get out of the suicidal ideation and hopelessness when life bores and disappoints her so much. I can't say she's depressed and when she's not depressed things will change - because I don't see this as actual depression - with depression you don't work out, you don't keep a clean home and get your hair done and paint your nails and meet friends for drinks - this isn't depression. She can't engage with life in a way that's meaningful for her.

What's recovery without something to live for?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

To be honest, samanthal, I find a lot of very positive indications in what you said about your daughter, and though I can understand your fear for her safety as far as her possible Suicidal Ideations (has she voiced any of them lately?), I really think that she is making great strides  

Just putting this out there for any words of encouragement that might come back.

My daughter with BPD is doing okay. She is loved by her family and her husband. She has a few friends, not many but a few is a lot for her. She's committed to her treatment, goes to therapy, and group therapy and complies with medication. She works out, tends to her home, cooks, volunteers a tiny bit and just took a very, very part-time job. It may sound like a lot but it's not - she doesn't work every day or even every week. She was once a very high achiever and was very productive until she finished grad school. Now, it seems with no clear goal to work towards she's sinking into deeper and deeper hopelessness.

It's hard to explain this - on one hand she's functional as I described and I can see her implementing new styles of communication and behaviors. On the other hand - life is so unappealing to her - nothing gets her excited. There's nothing she really looks forward to or if she does it's also negative - like she's looking forward to a trip but it sucks because it's too short, or she doesn't have enough money to do what she'd like to do or whatever so she might as well not go at all. She'll go but she never comes back and says, "Wow, that was cool!" She never ever seems to have a moment of "I can't wait to do that" or "That was amazing!" You know? Just flat, flat, flat affect, and always looking at the negatives of everything.

It's hard for me to understand how she will get out of the suicidal ideation and hopelessness when life bores and disappoints her so much. I can't say she's depressed and when she's not depressed things will change - because I don't see this as actual depression - with depression you don't work out, you don't keep a clean home and get your hair done and paint your nails and meet friends for drinks - this isn't depression. She can't engage with life in a way that's meaningful for her.

What's recovery without something to live for?

Everything I've bolded is really encouraging, and actually sounds like someone who actually does have some sort of meaningful engagement with life, living for something... .It may not look like something--or sound like something--that you or I would consider meaningful, but possibly for your daughter this is enough?

What I've found with some of my loved ones with BPD is that though they seem to be fixated on the negative a lot (or even all) of the time, if you ask them they would be surprised that I would be worried for them and their mental state. What seems and looks and sounds negative to me is "just they way they are" actually... .I'm a very optimistic, positive person, so their negativity really stands out to me. They find their own attitudes perfectly acceptable, normal and realistic in their own minds  

I don't know your daughter, so I could be wrong, but she may be doing better than you think; her negativity may not be harmful to her well-being (although it most likely is terribly troubling to those who love her). She just may be like my probably-BPD Mother-In-Law who her whole family has always thought is never happy unless she has someone or something to complain about  

(I'm not trying to make light of your concerns about her, samanthal... .I'm just wondering if any of this could be true of your daughter, and if so, maybe it would be encouraging for you for me to mention it   )

[satahal]

Thanks RR. I do see so much to be encouraged about but I guess it's the not seeing any motion in, not just her negativity, but not finding anything to be excited about that worries me so much. I guess I envisioned a curtain lifting but it's not really like that. She's doing things differently and she's a little different, a little more conversational and responds sometimes in ways that are unlike her - in a good way. But is she optimistic about her future - not yet. For her it all hinges on the career - she has to be a career success, a money maker - otherwise she's a total failure.

She last mentioned suicide in early June. She doesn't mentioned it a lot to me - maybe three or so times since December - her first mention of it. It's not said in a moment of passion - just a flat thing like well, if this or this doesn't work, then I'll kill myself.

I've got to focus on the positive though or I'm going to make myself crazy. I know this but it's hard sometimes. I think you're right RR - she's doing better than I think - she always down plays the positive side for me - somehow we've developed this pattern where she acts down in he mouth so I swoop in to rescue or coddle her - thanks again!

[Rapt Reader]

I've got to focus on the positive though or I'm going to make myself crazy. I know this but it's hard sometimes. I think you're right RR - she's doing better than I think - she always down plays the positive side for me - somehow we've developed this pattern where she acts down in he mouth so I swoop in to rescue or coddle her - thanks again!

That sounds good, and realizing the pattern is half the battle 

Something my son (who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013--he's 38 now) told me was that he never liked to get too excited about something, or too positive about his future, because his past has taught him that something is going to go wrong, and he won't be happy for very long anyway 

He told me that when something wonderful happens, to not get too excited for him, to not be too joyful about it, because that put too much pressure on him to continue to excel or to "be normal finally" when he knows he "can't be". He's afraid of everyone around him expecting that he will be "all good" from then on, and he's afraid of letting everyone down one more time in a lifetime of "failing". He's afraid of failure, and if his negativity keeps everyone's hopes and expectations for his success at bay, that is just fine with him... .

I agree with you, though, that her mentions of Suicidal Ideation from time to time are pretty disconcerting, and any Mom (me included) would be fearful to hear them. My son used to do that, but he has been treated for his BPD over the last 29 months--he still sees his Out-Patient Therapist, his Psychiatrist and his Neurofeedback Therapist very regularly--and that has ended his Clinical Depression and Suicidal Ideations. So at least there's that.

Do you sense that she may be serious about the talk of suicide, or could it by any chance be some sort of way for her to reel people back in if she feels they are getting too hopeful for her? Sorta like my son told me? I really hope she stays safe 

[satahal]

Something my son (who was diagnosed with BPD in April of 2013--he's 38 now) told me was that he never liked to get too excited about something, or too positive about his future, because his past has taught him that something is going to go wrong, and he won't be happy for very long anyway 

He told me that when something wonderful happens, to not get too excited for him, to not be too joyful about it, because that put too much pressure on him to continue to excel or to "be normal finally" when he knows he "can't be". He's afraid of everyone around him expecting that he will be "all good" from then on, and he's afraid of letting everyone down one more time in a lifetime of "failing". He's afraid of failure, and if his negativity keeps everyone's hopes and expectations for his success at bay, that is just fine with him... .

I agree with you, though, that her mentions of Suicidal Ideation from time to time are pretty disconcerting, and any Mom (me included) would be fearful to hear them. My son used to do that, but he has been treated for his BPD over the last 29 months--he still sees his Out-Patient Therapist, his Psychiatrist and his Neurofeedback Therapist very regularly--and that has ended his Clinical Depression and Suicidal Ideations. So at least there's that.

Do you sense that she may be serious about the talk of suicide, or could it by any chance be some sort of way for her to reel people back in if she feels they are getting too hopeful for her? Sorta like my son told me? I really hope she stays safe 

RR this is such an interesting insight - thank you for sharing this. It never occurred to me that she was trying to keep her own expectations down as well as other's expectations down but boy it makes so much sense knowing her and recalling various things she's said.

She has talked a lot of how people expect her to have some impressive career and big paycheck bc of her ivy league education - it's crushing to her that she has to "let people down" when she reveals she quit what was perceived as a dream job and has been unemployed for a few years.

It's hard for me and her dad and others to accept that she may never be normal - she was over-normal - the golden child (in hindsight the BPD was there). How could she over-excel at everything and now be so easily overwhelmed by life?

I don't care if she goes back to normal - or becomes normal. I do want her to derive happiness and meaning from her life and not struggle so.

She just got diagnosed this year - I'm not even exactly sure when maybe in the winter. I found out around Springtime/early summer, so treatment is new.

It's heartening to hear about your son - it sounds like he's self-aware and has been willing to share with you. How is he doing - do you feel like you're out of the woods - is that something possible? Is he working, in a r/s? Sorry to pry just want to learn more about his recovery process.

[Rapt Reader]

My son has been in recovery from all of his troubles pretty much (though he still struggles with Social Anxiety from time to time) since April 2013. He'd been diagnosed with ADD, Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Social Anxiety and Drug Abuse since his 20's. He'd been in and out of "regular" Rehabs in the past, but always went back to drugs within 6 months.

His latest drug of choice and the cause of his most recent addiction (that ended in March 2013) was Heroin, and the Dual Diagnosis Program that he was admitted to at that time (after a serious Suicidal Ideation) lasted 21 days and diagnosed him with BPD (finally!) and treated him for all of his problems. After discharge from the DDx Program he has continued Treatment (listed in my last post) regularly, and he has continued to be clean and sober (29 months at this time  ) ever since.

As far as his other troubles, I doubt he would even be diagnosed at this time with anything except his Social Anxiety and perhaps some ADD tendencies that he still has due to his difficult past and learned behaviors relating to it. But he is much better... .It's true that he doesn't have a job at this time, but he is working at home (he lives with us) on a Graphic Novel that he is doing all the writing and artwork for, and as he completes a chapter he is also animating it so that when he finishes it, he will have a novel and cartoon/movie once he's done.

He still struggles with the fear of failure (maybe even a fear of success?), and likes to qualify the artwork and writing he is doing as something he may never finish    But the truth is, he works on it regularly, sometimes hours and hours and days and days at a time, and has gotten further on this project than any of his projects in the past. And it is VERY good! I've seen some of it and I'm as amazed at his talent today as I was when he was a kid and something of an artist prodigy. He's always been able to write and draw/paint/etc. excellently.

Our family is definitely out of the woods, even into the light in the tunnel    If you are interested in learning about how this has all come about, check out the link in my signature line (Son's Dual Dx Pgm & NFT Story) or here: My Son's Recovery-In-Process Story (they are the same thread).

[satahal]

Wonderful story. You must be very very pleased with where things are, his commitment to recovery, your more positive relationship. Your support of his art is amazing. Art is always a long shot but you believe in him and see his talent. It's lovely. I see so many little details that remind me of my child.

I really needed an uplifting story today and boy that was amazing!

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for the kind words, samanthal 

The truth is, it wasn't so long ago that I was where you are now (and maybe even in a worse place; his Heroin addiction was multi-year. Enough to give me terror that I will never forget!).

There is hope... .If our BPD loved one can get to the point where he/she knows there is a problem and wants to get help for it, then recovery really is possible.

Just never give up hope 

[satahal]

Thank you RR. I will hang on to hope.