Losing my family

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello, my name is Eddie and I am codependent.

I am convinced my wife has BPD, everything I have read about it screams her behaviour and her fears.  A psychiatrist of mine suggested it but she has not been diagnosed herself.  I fear to bring it  up - the reaction would be anger.

We have a turbulent relationship which I have largely emotionally withdrawn from over the past couple of years.  We keep trying to start again but all best intentions end up being unsustainable.

We have an amazing 3  year old daughter who is the principle focus of each of us

This week my wife and daughter are away visiting her family in her home country.  We had another huge argument before she left and she now says (via text message) that's it, we're done.  I am hugely fearful and sad that she is going to stay away (she has no ties or work where we live now) and keep our daughter away from me.

I have read more on BPD this week than I ever have before and found this site very useful.  I also found the high conflict couple book that I believe could be the last chance for us and have suggested it to her as a new option, without mentioning BPD (as the book doesn't).

It seems she is too far gone in her decision and says I should have found it earlier, I had my chance.

I have told her I will never abandon her or give up on her whatever the situation between us in an effort to show unconditional love but it's not enough for her - she certainly doesn't want to be near me so that's not much of an attractive commitment for her.

I am so terrified to lose my family, I have bathed and put my daughter to bed nearly every night of her life and now face having her living in another country.  I admit if it were not for my daughter I would stop fighting because I am tired of the conflict but I want to fight to the last breath to give her a chance to grow up in a stable environment (not pretending how it has been so far is that!).  I am also scared that my daughter could be badly affected by being single parented by someone with BPD although I watch my wife being an excellent mother a lot of the time.

My wife is fearful to come back, she expects more conflict and has no support options here.  I appreciate those fears but would also feel like my daughter has been abducted.

I would love any advice.  How to approach it.  Any nuggets that I haven't thought of.  What it would feel like for someone with BPD.  What she would like to hear from me.  Anyone who has gone through a similar situation.

Thanks in advance, Eddie

[EddieM]

Hello, my name is Eddie and I am codependent.

I am convinced my wife has BPD, everything I have read about it screams her behaviour and her fears.  A psychiatrist of mine suggested it but she has not been diagnosed herself.  I fear to bring it  up - the reaction would be anger.

We have a turbulent relationship which I have largely emotionally withdrawn from over the past couple of years.  We keep trying to start again but all best intentions end up being unsustainable.

We have an amazing 3  year old daughter who is the principle focus of each of us

This week my wife and daughter are away visiting her family in her home country.  We had another huge argument before she left and she now says (via text message) that's it, we're done.  I am hugely fearful and sad that she is going to stay away (she has no ties or work where we live now) and keep our daughter away from me.

I have read more on BPD this week than I ever have before and found this site very useful.  I also found the high conflict couple book that I believe could be the last chance for us and have suggested it to her as a new option, without mentioning BPD (as the book doesn't).

It seems she is too far gone in her decision and says I should have found it earlier, I had my chance.

I have told her I will never abandon her or give up on her whatever the situation between us in an effort to show unconditional love but it's not enough for her - she certainly doesn't want to be near me so that's not much of an attractive commitment for her.

I am so terrified to lose my family, I have bathed and put my daughter to bed nearly every night of her life and now face having her living in another country.  I admit if it were not for my daughter I would stop fighting because I am tired of the conflict but I want to fight to the last breath to give her a chance to grow up in a stable environment (not pretending how it has been so far is that!).  I am also scared that my daughter could be badly affected by being single parented by someone with BPD although I watch my wife being an excellent mother a lot of the time.

My wife is fearful to come back, she expects more conflict and has no support options here.  I appreciate those fears but would also feel like my daughter has been abducted.

I would love any advice.  How to approach it.  Any nuggets that I haven't thought of.  What it would feel like for someone with BPD.  What she would like to hear from me.  Anyone who has gone through a similar situation.

Thanks in advance, Eddie

[momtara]

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Don't feel bad for not having figured this out earlier. I meet people every day who talk about some past relationship and I can tell the ex had a personality disorder, and the person telling me STILL doesn't know what went wrong. That said, I'm glad you found us here.

My first thought would be that you should try to get her back here somehow, manipulate if you can, and then legally protect your daughter so she won't be taken out of the country again. Just be sweet and supportive and see if you can lure your ex back. It seems like there may still be hope. It's hard to know how much to push it, and sometimes it takes nearly a genius to respond to people like this.

There may be people here who are familiar with the rules of various countries and what happens if your child is abducted. But there may also be a lawyer who specializes in this. You can post for free on avvo.com and get some responses and just look around the internet.

Because you are married and there's no custody order in place, she may be able to go where she wishes, but you have rights too. I think what you do right now, quietly, will be very important. I'd talk to lawyers and obviously not tell her or let her find out.

I know you want to hang on to the whole family - even in a really bad situation there have been men and women who have somehow succeeded in this, but I want you to be prepared in case she does try to stay with your daughter. Others here may have good advice.

This thread may be better moved to the divorce and custody board just because it contains sticky legal issues and more people seem to respond there, and there are some experienced people there. I think a moderator can move it.

[ForeverDad]

This week my wife and daughter are away visiting her family in her home country... .  I am hugely fearful and sad that she is going to stay away (she has no ties or work where we live now) and keep our daughter away from me.

Have you investigated your legal options?  You definitely want to know where you stand as father should it become an international scenario.  Understand that it is best if she comes back, the legal issues would be far less expensive and less uncertain for you.

It seems she is too far gone in her decision and says I should have found it earlier, I had my chance.

I have told her I will never abandon her or give up on her whatever the situation between us in an effort to show unconditional love but it's not enough for her - she certainly doesn't want to be near me so that's not much of an attractive commitment for her.

It's not so much you or the facts of the matter, it's her, her perceptions, her triggers and her overreactions.  But rather than her considering it or dealing with it, the emotional impulse is to start Blaming or Blame Shifting.  Another aspect is the All-or-Nothing perspective pwBPD have, they see in black and white, and don't perceive the gray areas of life.

Sadly too, much of what you say may not reach a hearing ear, the emotional baggage of the relationship can be that overwhelming.  BPD is a disorder which is more evident the close the relationship.

Understand that unless she will join you in marital counseling and any recommended additional therapy -- I say it this way since telling her to get therapy could trigger Denial and more conflict -- unless she participates and applies long term what is discussed, then the roller coaster will continue and the marriage will continue at risk of implosion.

However, the immediate matter at hand is for her to calm down enough to return.  I would suggest you don't enable her to delay her return.  Once she is back then you can decide how to take steps so your daughter doesn't become an international incident/leverage.

[momtara]

Hey, Eddie, how are you doing? I feel for you and hope you can somehow gently lure them back to the country. Maybe even just for a 'visit.' Then you could try to protect your daughter so they can't leave again. Right now, save any emails that hint that your wife may not come back. Those will be very important. It can take years to get a child back if they go to certain countries, and I don't want you to end up that way. Of course, you do have some rights and the best scenario is if you can just get them to come back, even for a little while. I know you love your wife, and the fact that you put your daughter to sleep every night is poignant and also relevant to the courts. Keep a journal too if you can. Definitely see the best lawyer you can who has experience in international things. Even a consultation would help you - maybe there's a person in your area who's kinda famous for dealing with such incidents.

People with BPD are manipulative, but they can be manipulated at times. It's a really fine line and sometimes hard to navigate, but it can be done.

If you are near Calif. you might consult with Bill Eddy too (look him up)

[ForeverDad]

Just a suggestion here, if you want to discuss legal options and strategies that you wish to keep confidential from internet searchbots, then post the more confidential matters over on the Family Law board, to view the threads there a member has to be logged in.  Family Law, like the Help Desk, is one of several boards here with log in requirements to view.

[livednlearned]

Hi EddieM,

Do you know where (exactly) your daughter is? Do you have any opportunity to go visit? What are the other family members like (assuming your wife is surrounded by family... .)?

I think legally it cannot be considered abduction because there is no open custody file, but it's best to consult with an international/family law attorney. You can consult for $100 and up depending on where you live -- doesn't mean you have to retain them. It's good to generate a list of questions specific to your circumstance so you know what leverage you have.

Your concerns are valid, and I know it is heartbreaking when a marriage hits rocky waters like this, even if the marriage was itself rocky. It's part of human nature to attach ourselves to people we love, and to have a hard time letting go, even when we know it's likely to increase our own mental well-being.

I hope you'll let us know how you're doing and share an update. It can be very overwhelming and lonely to go through something like this, and we understand that. You have support here, people here really do care.



LnL