Does coming back from the brink of divorce ever end well?

[turbo squash]

Cliffs notes:

Wife and I have been separated for two months now.

She says that she can't let go of me but that she can't commit to me either.

She knows that not choosing is the same as choosing to end the marriage. She has known this for the last couple of weeks. She has not made a decision.

I anticipate that she may decide that the marriage is the most important thing to her when it comes time to start signing divorce paperwork.

My question: do couples (where one has BPD) ever come back from the very brink of divorce and live happily ever after?

My goal is to be happy. I believe that I could be happy sooner by working things out with my wife than by ending the marriage. She claims that if she does decide to fix our marriage, she could and would respect my boundaries that I have told her about thus far.

Would I be an idiot for considering trying at that point? Also worth noting: she works with her lover and we could not survive financially if she quit the job that she has now. Also, she hasn't been trying nearly as hard as I have to reconnect and reconcile. My therapist thinks that she would need to do more than she has been doing for it to work. I think that she has been making an effort... .but that could just be a charm or a stalling tactic to avoid making the decision to end our fix our marriage.

Between working with her lover and the fact that she hasn't chosen me and our marriage thus far, I am thinking that it would be a terrible idea to try and work things out if she changes her mind when we are signing paperwork.

Last note: two weeks into our separation, she tried to come back, but then started talking to her lover again almost immediately and that attempt to get back together only lasted three days. I should have been better about establishing my boundaries, because I did not require from her the things that I needed to feel secure.

Thinking about that as well makes me think that my marriage is probably a lost cause since I won't put up with infidelity and it seems like she can't help herself.

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[Ceruleanblue]

Well, of course she can help herself, but I'd bet she chooses not to. I don't think BPD is an excuse for cheating. It does seem to increase the odds of it though. My BPDh and I were separated, he hopped right into having sex with someone(he'd been telling me for months prior to his leaving that he wanted to sleep with other women... .who SAYS that?). I'm still shocked that we didn't end up divorced.

Things were better for a while, but he's escalating again, and saying all the things he said before last split up. It's like things will be okay when he has a good view of me, but slowly that starts to erode, and then I'm painted black, and he starts treating me like crap.

I'm sure there are a lot of people on here who have had good outcomes after reconciling though. I'm still hopeful that could end up being us, but again, the onus will be on ME, because his "improvement" was slight, and he's reverting.

[Fian]

I would insist on her finding another job as a precondition to saving the marriage.  I can't answer your question about BPD, but I think in any relationship the 3rd person has to be fully removed from the equation.  In the case of BPD, the next time she paints you black (and it will happen), you don't want her seeing her former lover in the office.

[Ceruleanblue]

I agree that she needs to find a new job, and go no contact with this guy. She also needs to be totally transparent, which she likely won't like, but I've heard that time and again, when you are dealing with infidelity. You have the right to be distrustful after what she's done, and she has to prove she can again be trusted.

Hugs to you, it's a hard choice to make.

[turbo squash]

I would insist on her finding another job as a precondition to saving the marriage.  I can't answer your question about BPD, but I think in any relationship the 3rd person has to be fully removed from the equation.  In the case of BPD, the next time she paints you black (and it will happen), you don't want her seeing her former lover in the office.

This is exactly what I was thinking would end up happening. She may have a promotion potential that would take her out of the office, but if that doesn't happen, I don't think she would be willing to quit her job and get a different one.

Things were better for a while, but he's escalating again, and saying all the things he said before last split up. It's like things will be okay when he has a good view of me, but slowly that starts to erode, and then I'm painted black, and he starts treating me like crap.

That is my biggest fear. I think that that is what she would probably do too... .because she is queen of the flaky people. She gets all excited about something new and then abandons it a few days or weeks later.

As unfortunate as it is to think about, I think that it may be time to start throwing in the towel here.

[Fian]

Whether she is willing to quit her job is her choice.  If you are willing to try again if she quits her job, then I would recommend telling her that.  She can then decide if she is willing to do that.  If not, then she has made the decision to end the marriage and you can move on without feeling guilty about not giving her another chance (not that it would be your fault regardless).