BPD diagnosis

[Tarzan]

Hi,

I have been suffering for many years trying to fix my marriage.  We have five kids and I now have my own apartment for the last two months.  I'm not perfect but I am convinced my wife has BPD.  Since I left our home on a marriage break to improve e our marriage, more her decision I agreed, my wife has had a severe mental break down and can no longer talk with me and seems to want to fix her state by blaming me for everything.  Her mental state shatters everytime I refuse to take all blame for this situation.  My kids are safe. 

My main concern currently is that she gets a BPD diagnosis if merited.  She has a appointment with a psychiatrist  in three days and I'm concerned he will not be able to see through her in order to give proper diagnosis.  She is a very high functioning BPD from my reading, and she is aware her condition could be BPD. She just seems to want it to be anything else, like my fault.  Should a BPD diagnosis include ones spouse?  Any thoughts or opinions?  I feel like I, as a person am not allowed to exist because she is always half way into some emotional crisis.

I am new to this messageboard.  I have read walking on eggshells and many Web sites, and feel I could have written these books as they describe my wife very well.  These books also describe myself the non BPD quite well as I have been suffering from mild depression for a while.

Any advice would be appreciated,  friends and family are not particularly helpful.  I M going to a therapist as I promised my wife.  It is only a little helpful to deal with my emotions.

Thanks

[Turkish]

Hello Tarzan,



The short answer is "no" that a Dx has nothing to do with one's spouse. If she is BPD, then that is likely a factor of past trauma in combination with inbrn biogenetic traits like emotional sensitivity. For example, I saw in my son early on that he was different than my daughter, more emotionally sensitive and more easily triggered to be upset.

That being said, the interactions that people who may have trouble regulating their emotions can contribute to their dysregulations. Have you had a chance to look at the lessons in the right hand margin of the board? Maybe this will help:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Dealing with the emotions is tough. A good T can help center you.

You mentioned 5 kids. How old are they, and how are they dealing with their mother? How much contact do you have with them? We have resources and support that can help you deal with that as well.

Turkish

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tarzan, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  We "get it" when it comes to BPD.  SWOE is an excellent resource and I'm glad you are familiar with that book.  I'm afraid that, in my view, you will have to leave any diagnosis up to the professional.  It's true that pwBPD are experts at hiding their disorder, but a professional should be used to that aspect of the disorder.  I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and understand the challenges you face.  It's true that friends and family sometimes are of limited help, not because they don't care, but because they have no familiarity with BPD and nothing to compare it to in their own lives.  BPD is so far out of the realm of what others have experienced, in my experience.

LuckyJim

[goateeki]

From someone whose wife was actually diagnosed with BPD (among other things), I would say no, a diagnosis doesn't make a difference.  It didn't in my case.  It's not as if a diagnosis of this disorder is much help in curing it. 

I was present when our marriage counselor, who'd been provided a waiver that permitted her to speak with my ex wife's T, said "Right, and that triggers the PTSD and Borderline tendencies... ." My ex wife looked at our MC as if she wanted her to die, while I'm sure that the MC naturally assumed that this bit of information had already been shared with me.  It hadn't been.  It wouldn't have been a factor in any subsequent events even if it had been.

Right before I went to a lawyer and started the divorce, I stood with her on our deck, away from our kids, and said "If you think there's something wrong with you and you want to work on it, I'll stay with you forever and support you."  That resulted in her screaming at me "I'm not the one who needs to be fixed!"

The next day I made my appointment with the lawyer. 

As you probably know, people with BPD or BPD-like tendencies are famously blind to their own issues.  They're stubbornly resistant acknowledging them.  Mine did not simply de-emphasize the severity of some fairly obvious emotional issues, she would deny that there was anything wrong with her.  She would speak to me about how her therapist "love[d] her" and that her therapist thought that she was "the strongest person she has met in her whole life." 

It seems to me that this is one of the defining practical features of the disorder: the utter refusal to look at oneself as a source of one's own unhappiness and the trail of destruction left behind.  So perhaps BPD is one of those maladies for which a diagnosis has very little utility, other than completing insurance billing forms.

Now she lives in a too small apartment near the railroad tracks and is on the cusp of some real problems with our kids.  My daughter is 11 and will enter puberty in two minutes, while she is sharing a bedroom with her younger brother.  My ex wife refuses to give up her bedroom and sleep in the living room so that my children, who need separate bedrooms, can have their own. 

Throughout the apartment there are motivational posters, with bold platitudes like "You are not broken."  If the event had not destroyed my children, I'd think my ex wife were pitiful.   

[Tarzan]

Hello Tarzan,



The short answer is "no" that a Dx has nothing to do with one's spouse. If she is BPD, then that is likely a factor of past trauma in combination with inbrn biogenetic traits like emotional sensitivity. For example, I saw in my son early on that he was different than my daughter, more emotionally sensitive and more easily triggered to be upset.

That being said, the interactions that people who may have trouble regulating their emotions can contribute to their dysregulations. Have you had a chance to look at the lessons in the right hand margin of the board? Maybe this will help:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Dealing with the emotions is tough. A good T can help center you.

You mentioned 5 kids. How old are they, and how are they dealing with their mother? How much contact do you have with them? We have resources and support that can help you deal with that as well.

Turkish

My middle son also has many issues that are similar to my wife and he can be challanging as well.  How does one show love and respect for his difficulties, he gets stuck on simple things and lashes out, but not let him run ramped,  can be a challanging as he is seven year old boy with lots of energy.  I see my kids regularly,  but have next to no interaction with my wife as it currently sends her crashing.

[Tarzan]

From someone whose wife was actually diagnosed with BPD (among other things), I would say no, a diagnosis doesn't make a difference.  It didn't in my case.  It's not as if a diagnosis of this disorder is much help in curing it. 

I was present when our marriage counselor, who'd been provided a waiver that permitted her to speak with my ex wife's T, said "Right, and that triggers the PTSD and Borderline tendencies... ." My ex wife looked at our MC as if she wanted her to die, while I'm sure that the MC naturally assumed that this bit of information had already been shared with me.  It hadn't been.  It wouldn't have been a factor in any subsequent events even if it had been.

Right before I went to a lawyer and started the divorce, I stood with her on our deck, away from our kids, and said "If you think there's something wrong with you and you want to work on it, I'll stay with you forever and support you."  That resulted in her screaming at me "I'm not the one who needs to be fixed!"

The next day I made my appointment with the lawyer. 

As you probably know, people with BPD or BPD-like tendencies are famously blind to their own issues.  They're stubbornly resistant acknowledging them.  Mine did not simply de-emphasize the severity of some fairly obvious emotional issues, she would deny that there was anything wrong with her.  She would speak to me about how her therapist "love[d] her" and that her therapist thought that she was "the strongest person she has met in her whole life." 

It seems to me that this is one of the defining practical features of the disorder: the utter refusal to look at oneself as a source of one's own unhappiness and the trail of destruction left behind.  So perhaps BPD is one of those maladies for which a diagnosis has very little utility, other than completing insurance billing forms.

Now she lives in a too small apartment near the railroad tracks and is on the cusp of some real problems with our kids.  My daughter is 11 and will enter puberty in two minutes, while she is sharing a bedroom with her younger brother.  My ex wife refuses to give up her bedroom and sleep in the living room so that my children, who need separate bedrooms, can have their own. 

Throughout the apartment there are motivational posters, with bold platitudes like "You are not broken."  If the event had not destroyed my children, I'd think my ex wife were pitiful.   

Bpd is brutal,  and unless you've seen it or even if you have seen it, I'm assuming, it is very hard to understand and be OK with.   I am concerned , diagnosis or not,  it will amongst other things , likely it seems, to kill my marriage.  We have the kids, but I don't want that to be the reason why we continue.

[Lucky Jim]

As you probably know, people with BPD or BPD-like tendencies are famously blind to their own issues.  They're stubbornly resistant acknowledging them.  Mine did not simply de-emphasize the severity of some fairly obvious emotional issues, she would deny that there was anything wrong with her.  She would speak to me about how her therapist "love[d] her" and that her therapist thought that she was "the strongest person she has met in her whole life." 

It seems to me that this is one of the defining practical features of the disorder: the utter refusal to look at oneself as a source of one's own unhappiness and the trail of destruction left behind.  So perhaps BPD is one of those maladies for which a diagnosis has very little utility, other than completing insurance billing forms.

Agree w/you, Goateeki, which is why a pwBPD will project his/her issues on the SO, in order to avoid taking responsibility.  My BPDxW changed therapists monthly whenever a T confronted her about her role in the turmoil.

LuckyJim

[Tarzan]

My wife got a diagnosis of BPD, four out of five strong yeses for diagnosis, so he is going with BPD, she will be starting medication, I didn't think there was one... .this is terrible and good news at the same time.  She will be starting local therapy soon.  The doctor also recommended we continue our separation

[Tarzan]

In regards to my previous two posts and all I've read in the forum it seems most members are against coninuing a relationship with a BPD. Are there exceptions?  True success stories?  My future looks super bleak staying or leaving due to five kids.  Any input?

[Tarzan]

I also found it interesting that my BPDw has gone to lc with kids only as a means to fix herself.  I was disengaging for about a year and now we are informally separated  her choice.  seems like a different pattern them normal.

[Turkish]

In regards to my previous two posts and all I've read in the forum it seems most members are against coninuing a relationship with a BPD. Are there exceptions?  True success stories?  My future looks super bleak staying or leaving due to five kids.  Any input?

Staying doesn't sound like an option at this point. You can use the tools here, however, to improve whatever r/s you do have. What about the kids? If you do indeed divorce, there should be no reason why you shouldn't get joint custody. The more time they have with a healthy you, the better.