"We're not getting back together" - "I never said Never"

[Mistomaple]

Hello. I'm very new to this site, but for the past Month now I have been very confused with the relationship split from my girlfriend. I'll try and explain as best as I can.

My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for 8 months. Things were going amazingly well until "unconscious" things started to creep into the relationship. I started to do and say things that made her feel uncomfortable without being fully aware I was doing it (my points and feelings during situations felt valid). The relationship reached breaking point one morning when I woke up to find that she had added and Ex boyfriend on Facebook and naturally it didn't sit right with me. (I felt like this guy was going to try and wedge between our relationship) which some may say is just overthinking and insecurity because I had no proof this was the case (My girlfriend stayed friends with her Ex even though she had no romantic feelings for him). Anyway, my thoughts got the better of me that day after asking her politely that I wasn't comfortable with this dude being around and I would like him deleted and kept at a distance. In response she told me that "You can't tell me who I can and can't talk to" (Which again is true. I can't). But feeling like she cared more about him than me and through trying to protect our relationship. I told her I had to leave the relationship if that was the case. That played on my mind so much that I couldn't be around it.

I later on realised what I had done and through my words I had given her an ultimatum and used emotional blackmail (Acted out of desperation, but had no intention of walking out on her). From the moment I did it, I regretted it. Knowing that abandonment and losing me was her biggest fear. The next week after that was spent beating myself up and trying to fix things. After explaining why I did what I did and what drove me to do it, she wrote me a letter.


She was just starting her BPD Therapy and told me "She know now why you did it, but the way you went about it was wrong. It was the same kind of emotional abuse my father did to me an my mother. I forgive you, but don't do it again because I won't have it."

"The reason I can't be in a relationship right now is because everytime I hurt you, I carried around this guilt. My feelings lead to fear, fear to actions, actions to hurting you, hurting you to feeling like I'm not worthy of being your girlfriend. That is why I have to be in therapy, to heal and learn how to love and depend on myself, so that I can finally let others love me. I love you so much and you're an amazing guy.I think we should remain close, no demanding of each other and no strings attached. (I asked what she meant by this and she said it doesn't mean we can flirt and start having sexual relations with other people) If I start to heal and you still have feelings for me, then I'd like to give us another shot" <-- (Shortened version)


Since then we have tried to remain close. But now we have this situations where I'm being fed mixed messages constantly. I can't make sense of it all in my brain and when I go to her and talk about it, the conversation sours very quickly. If I ask too many questions and look for answers or just trying to ask and find out what she's up to. Then I'm clingy, claiming and controlling. If I leave her alone for a day or so to do her own thing, she will message me asking why we don't talk as much anymore, saying stuff like "I guess you got over me now or what are you doing? Talking to other girls?". I feel stuck in the middle and confused about what is expected of me and what I'm actually supposed to be doing?


Even the breakup reason doesn't make sense anymore. "We broke up because you used emotional blackmail and broke our trust", "We broke up so I can be alone, focused and heal through therapy", "We broke up because you were being clingy and controlling."


I've asked her before if she would like to get back together and give it another go. She tells me "I don't know". I get she doesn't want to get back together right this moment and I am fully committed to wait for her as long as it takes because I love her and want her to succeed in her goals. But in the meantime this whole push/pull, combined with the "We're not getting back together" - "I never said we'll never get back together" - "I don't know if we'll ever get back together" is making things increasingly confusing for me to the point that I don't know if we're in this situation because she does feel I am being clingy and wants to see me evolve and improve myself or If she is waiting for change within herself first or if I'm being played with and she has no intention of returning to a relationship and just wants a buddy.

I know that is a lot to take in and I hope I haven't confused anybody too much . I will expand on things if needed. The reality of the situation is we're both as guilty as each other I guess... .

[once removed]

hey mistomaple and

boy, it sounds like you feel in limbo, which is confusing and painful 

im glad you found us. we have a great deal of resources that will hopefully help you in this tricky situation. i recommend you start with the links directly to the right under choosing a path.

you mention that shes in therapy? thats great. how long has she been in therapy? you should know that therapy for anyone, including pwBPD is a journey, and there can be plenty of ups and downs in the meantime, and they can impact your relationship. youre supporting her, and though im not sure how long shes been seeing a therapist, it sounds like shes committed. have you considered seeing one yourself?

going forward, its going to be most useful to you to clarify, for yourself, where you stand, what you are giving and getting out of this relationship, your expectations, and what you want to do going forward, all the while navigating communication with her and supporting her in therapy. i think the lessons here will really help with this

[Mistomaple]

Thank you for the warm welcome


We have been broken up for almost a month now. I have already made it pretty clear to myself that I do want to stick around and see what happens. I do have times where I feel anxious that she will fall off her path, find a new relationship and start the cycle all over again while I mercilessly watch from the sidelines. I should have mentioned before, but our 8 month relationship was a LDR which makes the current situation harder for us. Recently we have been in this pattern of having peaceful friendly conversations drift off into the realm of our broken relationship, which brings with it a bunch of mixed messages, blame and confusion. In the end it just leaves both of us hurt, confused and not better off. I feel my own pestering about the relationship and asking too many questions (Looking for clarity) does more harm than good (I get called controlling, clingy and claiming). I do get anxious about the future of our relationship and if we'll ever reach the reconciliation point at all.


I made a video for myself. Coming to terms with the unconscious harm I was doing to our relationship through insecurities. Taking responsibility for my side of the problems and only my side. Had a cry to myself and left the video for a few days. Eventually after a talk I got the courage to show it to her. I'd like to share the response I got:

"I hate to see you being so sad... .I really don't know what to say. All I want is for you to be happy. The fear when we were together just got too much. In the beginning I still had some control over it, but eventually none at all, and it was destroying me. I fought it so hard but it made me a completely different person. I couldn't enjoy life anymore. I just became someone else entirely"

"I had to make that stop or it  would take me down completely. As much as I want to, I don't have any answers now and I can't make promises. Because the future is just as uncertain for me as it is for you. But keeping you on a leash and giving you a bunch of maybes is not gonna make you happier. That's not fair to do"

"My feelings and emotions are just as unstable as a volcano that's about to erupt. So what I feel now might not be what I feel tomorrow or next month. That's the reason why I can't give you certainties. Because it would be lying"


I told her that I'm just a man in love and as selfish as it sounds. I don't want to stand there holding my heart out for you and then see you with another man. It's the ultimate pain wanting someone back and them not wanting you and being with someone else. That I didn't have to explain it. She knew this feeling. (Break up with her first real boyfriend when she was younger. He didn't want her back and went with another girl)

She replied "I do. But I'm not gonna make any promises about that. Because that's not how life works. I'm not interested in anyone. I'm not looking for anyone"


I have the deepest respect for that girl and the steps she has taken, the evolution she has started to go through. Meanwhile I still feel like I'm trying to guide the future and control and outcome for myself. It makes me feel so bad that my anxiousness and emotions make me do this.


I have started to see a therapist and have made the decision to take a step back and try to take my hands off the situation. Though I'm still struggling to find my place in the present.

[Mistomaple]

Just to add. She has only recently started Therapy. Only a handful of sessions under her belt

[problemsolver]

Hello. I'm very new to this site, but for the past Month now I have been very confused with the relationship split from my girlfriend. I'll try and explain as best as I can.

My girlfriend and I had been seeing each other for 8 months. Things were going amazingly well until "unconscious" things started to creep into the relationship. I started to do and say things that made her feel uncomfortable without being fully aware I was doing it (my points and feelings during situations felt valid). The relationship reached breaking point one morning when I woke up to find that she had added and Ex boyfriend on Facebook and naturally it didn't sit right with me. (I felt like this guy was going to try and wedge between our relationship) which some may say is just overthinking and insecurity because I had no proof this was the case (My girlfriend stayed friends with her Ex even though she had no romantic feelings for him). Anyway, my thoughts got the better of me that day after asking her politely that I wasn't comfortable with this dude being around and I would like him deleted and kept at a distance. In response she told me that "You can't tell me who I can and can't talk to" (Which again is true. I can't). But feeling like she cared more about him than me and through trying to protect our relationship. I told her I had to leave the relationship if that was the case. That played on my mind so much that I couldn't be around it.

I later on realised what I had done and through my words I had given her an ultimatum and used emotional blackmail (Acted out of desperation, but had no intention of walking out on her). From the moment I did it, I regretted it. Knowing that abandonment and losing me was her biggest fear. The next week after that was spent beating myself up and trying to fix things. After explaining why I did what I did and what drove me to do it, she wrote me a letter.


She was just starting her BPD Therapy and told me "She know now why you did it, but the way you went about it was wrong. It was the same kind of emotional abuse my father did to me an my mother. I forgive you, but don't do it again because I won't have it."

"The reason I can't be in a relationship right now is because everytime I hurt you, I carried around this guilt. My feelings lead to fear, fear to actions, actions to hurting you, hurting you to feeling like I'm not worthy of being your girlfriend. That is why I have to be in therapy, to heal and learn how to love and depend on myself, so that I can finally let others love me. I love you so much and you're an amazing guy.I think we should remain close, no demanding of each other and no strings attached. (I asked what she meant by this and she said it doesn't mean we can flirt and start having sexual relations with other people) If I start to heal and you still have feelings for me, then I'd like to give us another shot" <-- (Shortened version)


Since then we have tried to remain close. But now we have this situations where I'm being fed mixed messages constantly. I can't make sense of it all in my brain and when I go to her and talk about it, the conversation sours very quickly. If I ask too many questions and look for answers or just trying to ask and find out what she's up to. Then I'm clingy, claiming and controlling. If I leave her alone for a day or so to do her own thing, she will message me asking why we don't talk as much anymore, saying stuff like "I guess you got over me now or what are you doing? Talking to other girls?". I feel stuck in the middle and confused about what is expected of me and what I'm actually supposed to be doing?


Even the breakup reason doesn't make sense anymore. "We broke up because you used emotional blackmail and broke our trust", "We broke up so I can be alone, focused and heal through therapy", "We broke up because you were being clingy and controlling."


I've asked her before if she would like to get back together and give it another go. She tells me "I don't know". I get she doesn't want to get back together right this moment and I am fully committed to wait for her as long as it takes because I love her and want her to succeed in her goals. But in the meantime this whole push/pull, combined with the "We're not getting back together" - "I never said we'll never get back together" - "I don't know if we'll ever get back together" is making things increasingly confusing for me to the point that I don't know if we're in this situation because she does feel I am being clingy and wants to see me evolve and improve myself or If she is waiting for change within herself first or if I'm being played with and she has no intention of returning to a relationship and just wants a buddy.

I know that is a lot to take in and I hope I haven't confused anybody too much . I will expand on things if needed. The reality of the situation is we're both as guilty as each other I guess... .

I almost went through the same thing word for word ... in terms of her mixed messages. I heard alot of

"I don't think we should talk to each other... .Right Now"

"I just think we shouldn't talk ... .for now"

"I didn't want the last time we had sex to be the last time we had sex" 

"I don't know what I want"

"can't we be like a normal break up and never talk again" ( re - engages a few weeks later)

"I don't want to take you along if I don't know what I want" ( but continues to contact)

Basically after the first "split" or break up nothing made sense and I was riding a vicious roller coaster

She basically turned a Lion into a puppy - a Man into a boy - she completely broke me down with these mixed signals... I didn't know what was up and what was down, what was left and what was right. Basically reduced me to rubble because there was always a glimmer of hope she always shut the window but left just enough space to jump in and out... to the naked eye it didn't seem like it effected her but I was so confused and hurt... .

I know this doesn't necessarily answer your question but it may give you some insight that your not alone and these mixed messages may remain without a logical understanding of them.

[Mistomaple]

I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm glad I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Can I ask what your current situation is like? I finally have come to the realisation that the ball is in her court and I need to stop being baited into these types of conversations. It's just finding the strength to stick to my guns and not cave.

[once removed]

"Recently we have been in this pattern of having peaceful friendly conversations drift off into the realm of our broken relationship, which brings with it a bunch of mixed messages, blame and confusion. In the end it just leaves both of us hurt, confused and not better off. I feel my own pestering about the relationship and asking too many questions (Looking for clarity) does more harm than good (I get called controlling, clingy and claiming). I do get anxious about the future of our relationship and if we'll ever reach the reconciliation point at all."

boundaries and communication tools are going to help here. i recommend reading this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

i dont mean to make this sound at all simple, but detaching from the outcome is also going to give you some peace. if you are pestering as you put it, sure it does more harm than good, but in turn it only makes you (both) more anxious. youre the only one you can control here.

it sounds like she is experiencing the fear/sense of engulfment. this will help understand that and how you effect it. what is engulfment?: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281066.0

serious kudos to you for both exploring and owning your role in this. that means youve taken more than one of the right steps. more kudos for seeing a therapist yourself. both therapy and this board can be tremendous resources for you. both will be there for you whether things go well or badly, as well as going forward.

please keep posting. we are here to help

[shatra]

Problem solve wrote

"I don't know what I want"

"can't we be like a normal break up and never talk again" ( re - engages a few weeks later)

-----I am wondering-----does she not know what she wants, or does what she want keep changing day by day? 

------Re: second sentence----sounds like push--pull.  Why does she say  she wants a "normal breakup and never talk again"?  Why does she want that?

Shatra

[Mistomaple]

Been a bit unsure today. Been about 3 days since my Ex has messaged me and I haven't messaged her either. I've made the decision that I still want to be here for her when she needs me (at least up until either we find reconciliation or she finds another). I'd like to know how she is doing and what's been going on in her life, but I don't want it to come across like I'm snooping and making her feel uncomfortable. We had a conversation about where we wanted to be when it comes to each others company. She said she wanted to keep close, but I know that in being that close and becoming a "friend" is not somewhere I want to be when my love and feelings for her are still so strong and will get in the way and lead to more struggling conversations and emotional hurt. I suggested maybe we just cut contact completely, but that isn't what I want either. I made the decision I wanted to stick around to wait it out and I don't want to trigger any abandonment. The only solution I saw was maybe being close, but having boundries that protect both of us. I suggested this before but got the response "The boundries idea sounds like it's only for you" (A way to control the relationship from what I gather).


I'm just so confused right now.

[once removed]

hey mistomaple, and thanks for keeping us posted.

i know the situation youre in is cause for anxiety which tends to make a person want to act, feel the need to act. i suggest you use the time and anxiety to your advantage. focus on yourself and becoming the best version of yourself, take time for yourself and enjoy your hobbies. think of it as a time out to clear your head, it will help you tremendously when she seeks you out.

boundaries are very personal. id suggest you not share all your thoughts and plans and what youve learned with her, because many people confuse control with boundaries. boundaries are for you and about you. if you share too much, she may feel analyzed or overwhelmed. it may help to just take things as they come without trying to divide lines and roles.

[Mistomaple]

Yeah, you're right. I don't like being like this. I wasn't always that way with her. In the early parts of our relationship, I was as strong as a rock for her and didn't let much affect me. Nothing she ever threw my way ever got under my skin and made me act in a negative way. Over the course of it, little things she said and things from her past started to come to the surface ( some contradictory to what I've been told). I felt like I started to lose my foothold after a while and little tiny things (mostly imaginary with no evidence behind it) started to get in and morphed me from a Rock in a Sponge. The biggest pain for me right now is how much I have accepted, learned and grown. I'm starting to find that rock in me again and it's sad that I don't have that second opportunity to showcase my progress and plug the holes of past slip ups.

[once removed]

i can relate mistomaple. i scarcely even experienced missing my ex in two years and eight months, certainly no anxiety about it, mostly anxiety about wanting time to myself! at the very, very end, she went very distant on me and the anxiety was overwhelming. funny how that works.

"The biggest pain for me right now is how much I have accepted, learned and grown. I'm starting to find that rock in me again and it's sad that I don't have that second opportunity to showcase my progress and plug the holes of past slip ups."

but you can. you can showcase your progress to yourself. validate it. believe in it. was your hard work all done entirely for her, or did you do it for yourself first and foremost? if its the latter, then the changes are far more firm, and youll have ample opportunity to live what youve learned. you can start any time 

[Mistomaple]

I do it for myself because that's who I am and who I was before I met her. Being in touch with my old self again feels empowering and the tools I've gained from the experience has equipped me with way more than what I had in the beginning. Some would say I should take what I've learned and use it to find a better relationship and scold me for wanting to jump back into the eye of the Tornado a second time. But my heart would still like her to come along for the ride and take the journey of growth, together.

[once removed]

good for you!

"Some would say I should take what I've learned and use it to find a better relationship and scold me for wanting to jump back into the eye of the Tornado a second time. But my heart would still like her to come along for the ride and take the journey of growth, together."

this is the undecided board, and theres no place for judgment here. you have a unique situation, we want to help and help improve it. thats the goal. you may also want to check out the staying board.

personal growth may need to be the priority of both of you right now. shes in therapy, youre in therapy; youre learning about the disorder, learning about yourself. thats not to say the two of you cant grow together, but seeing both of your self discoveries through, is going to make that prospect far more likely, and smoother. with self improvement comes greater emotional availability in any relationship.

[Mistomaple]

Last night was the ultimate death blow for me. A simple conversation where I said that I would stick around and wait it out as a support to her. I only wanted two things for myself. 1. To not be labelled as "friend" and tossed into the friendzone before she had decided 100% and the second that if her feelings did take change and she started flirting or engaging in serious/casual relations, that I be informed of it so I can adjust my distance.


She could not give me these things. Saying that since we're both single, we could engage in that stuff (Knowing full well that if I ever even mentioned any notion of it. I'd feel her wrath). I wasn't preventing her from doing anything, I only wished to be warned so I could back off. The reply was "That is personal and none of your business". Which is true, but my feelings are still high and that is something that would have hurt me.

The conversation continued and pandoras box finally opened on me. She told me that she didn't think she'd ever want me back and that we should stop talking. She no longer wished for a LDR in general and all the things that she told me before was just to ease my hurt. "An Ex is an Ex. There is no going back because it doesn't work"


I could not believe my ears. That she would feed me this hope and tell me she wouldn't be engaging with men and relationships and instead focus on her therapy, giving me these senses of comfort and it meant nothing. She just wanted me as a friend to chat with now and again and at the same time was open to going and sleeping with other men for fun.


I didn't know what to say. I told her have to go and blocked further messages.

[once removed]

hey mistomaple,

im really sorry to hear this happened. it was some pretty tricky territory to navigate from the beginning.

people with BPD can be very fickle. what she told you at the time was true at the time. what she told you in this recent conversation was true at the time. thankfully, at least, you were given some clarity instead of this constant state of limbo, and it sounds like it may have been what was necessary to make a decision for yourself. still, it must sting  .

how are you doing today? do you feel youve made the right decision?

[Mistomaple]

I had my Ex blocked on messenger and FB since our last conversation that left me defeated. I wrote her an e-mail today:



"I think I owe some sort of explanation for our own peace. I think we both do need time apart. I thought we could still be close and heal at the same time, but that just doesn't seem possible for me right now as I still have a lot of healing and letting go to do, my feelings are still strong and I keep just hurting myself and you. We can't be close, at least not now and I'm not sure what the future holds."


"I was unhappy that feelings and thoughts were being kept from me. I can see that your feelings and emotions can be confusing to your sometimes and change a lot and it sounds really painful and tough to endure. I know it was done to try and ease the pain I was going through. But having feeling changes for 2 weeks and keeping things like that from me only prolonged my pain and stopped me from healing and that was wrong to do no matter the reason. I forgive you for this."



"I love you"


She replied shortly after telling me to stop e-mailing/contacting her or she'll block my e-mail address.


Why wouldn't she just block it right away instead of threatening to block it?


I put up the block to stop myself from adding more fuel to the flame and earlier today and unblocked her and have just let things lay for the time being. No contacting like she wanted.

[problemsolver]

Problem solve wrote

"I don't know what I want"

"can't we be like a normal break up and never talk again" ( re - engages a few weeks later)

-----I am wondering-----does she not know what she wants, or does what she want keep changing day by day? 

------Re: second sentence----sounds like push--pull.  Why does she say  she wants a "normal breakup and never talk again"?  Why does she want that?

Shatra

I wish I had an answer for you but that's just a little taste of what had my head spinning on a daily basis. I have no idea why she said half the things she said.

[once removed]

hey mistomaple,

glad you were able to say your piece. what do you think it did for you? any sense of closure as a result?

blocking you might have triggered the sense of abandonment. my ex blocked me (on facebook) from viewing her wall but didnt defriend me.

[Mistomaple]

I'd say it has given me some peace and time for myself. Didn't mean to make her feel abandoned, but I had to put a stop to my own behaviours. Past few days have been ok, just the odd occasion where I think about her. I do have this feeling that she could contact me again with a change of tune and I don't know how I'd respond to that. I'm just trying to gather as much strength and knowledge of myself as I can for now, so if that moment should arise, I can make a more confident decision about where I want to be.

Last thing I want to do is make any more moves or reach out in any way. The ball is in her court and  I don't want to start another emotional War

[once removed]

i think that sounds like a pretty balanced attitude, mistomaple. has it helped the anxiety and the state of limbo at all? are there things you can be doing to improve your life? also, do you have a strong support system in terms of family and friends?

"I do have this feeling that she could contact me again with a change of tune and I don't know how I'd respond to that."

she might. the tricky thing about this is we cant control whether we are contacted, but as you say, we can control how we respond.

":)idn't mean to make her feel abandoned,"

just to clarify, i was referring to why she might have threatened to block you but didnt do so.

[Mistomaple]

The anxiety has lessened the more I learn about myself and relationships in general, the more I see my own contributions to the dysfunction and depersonalize everything. For the first time I feel free and see that this is what she intended for me during all of this. I am slowly improving my personal life with connecting with friends and putting myself back out there, planning trips etc. My family has been really good to me. Since the split I have been connecting with my mother a lot more than I used to and have found more time for these interactions.


Would I still want a second chance at it? Yes, Do I still love her? Yes. Do I need her in my life in order to be happy? Not really.

[once removed]

i love that attitude mistomaple 

give yourself some credit too, the willingness to dive in, see your own contributions, learn, and depersonalize, do not tend to come quickly or easily. really glad to hear youre taking these steps, and steps toward improving your life. i have a lot of faith in you.

"Would I still want a second chance at it? Yes, Do I still love her? Yes. Do I need her in my life in order to be happy? Not really."

i completely understand this. youre right though; we do not need any one person in our lives to be happy.

keep doing everything youre doing; in time it becomes routine, and you can build on it even further  .

[Mistomaple]

Thank you. I appreciate your help and guidance through this. Having someone take the time out to listen and understand means a lot to me. You keep doing what you're doing too

[orderline]

Hi Mistomaple

Wellcome to the world of confusion.

And a word of warning.

With some knowledge of evolving a relationship with a BPD from scratch I understand your frustration. You have a hard time being understood and your communication is so unclear it calls for extra processing after you have been in contact. The BPD is quite cool about it and you are severly infected by the intense love and want more of it.

Strangely, given how promising it looked and looks, acuiring more is frustrating and is surrounded with hard to understand obstacles with the same magnitude as the fantacy novel "The Lord of the Rings"

How come?

The situation you are in is you are trying to understand why something so promesing and lovely can not be made permanent since both semed too like it so much.

If there is BPD involved you can be sure love is not love and the obstacles are not obstacles.

Why do you think you feel both of you like to be together but some magic force prevents both of you to be together? Why do you need to process information after you have been talking? Communication should bring clarity but instead it brings confusion. How come she tells you things not to hurt you? How come you have to explain your feelings to her and justify yourself? How come the joy is gone and is replaced by struggle?

What is wrong is BPD is a serious disorder where the sufferer has a great variety of feelings and often in combination of high sensitivity and a poor sense of self. The management of all feelings and the confusion must be taken into account. All the issues combined does not work to build a fantastic relationship. At times the may express intense love and you will have fantastic and close relationship. The next day they get exremely hurt and you are worth nothing. Someday the feel guilty and break communication. Someday they punish you and some day they kiss you and say everything is now ok for a long time.

You can not go into detail with everything. What you have done and said does not add upp to what you expect. And it varies. She may start to hate you and be numb. She may suddenly critisize you severly and make you actually beleive she is right. Ske may call you a looser.

It is the illness "speaking"

To be with a BPD requires a big hart and a bit broader perpective of love. You have to be curious and interested in them as a whole and expose as much of your wulnerability as you can take but stay sane and happy. You need to be able to self soothe. You need to know what boundaries can do and how to validate and not argue when what they say sounds exaggerated or simply wrong.

To be stuck on the drug "If I could only get more of that" wil send both of you into a spiral that ends with both having lost valuable time on planet earth.

[Mistomaple]

Yes. A lot of what you said is true. I did have a completely different outlook on everything back in the beginning. I knew exactly what being with a pwBPD took and what I should realistically expect from it. I self soothed and depersonalized very well. I lost myself somewhere done the line and started to drift off into my own fantasy world of hopes and dreams, dropped my guard and let reality leave me. I started to treat the relationship more "normally" and in doing so, I left myself wide open. I promised myself I'd never make the same mistake twice and they say that those who do not learn from History are doomed to repeat it. Only thing that plagued my mind now is that 1 strike might have been all I had.

It's frustrating knowing that you can correct your wrongs and get things back on track, but the other will not let you try or think you're capable of it. Lack of boundries, miscommunication, not looking after and soothing myself and letting my expectations become to large was my undoing. The entry into Therapy, The little steps of progress I saw. My partner telling me to treat her "normally". I jumped the gun and forgot about the illness and lost myself.


Now it does feel like I'm starting from scratch. If you have knowledge of evolving relationships then I'd love to hear it, because I have found myself again and I'm building my strength for another round if such a thing is ever available to me.

[Mistomaple]

Another test of my insecurities again tonight. Messaged my Ex asking if she was ok. (Was angry after a recent Therapy session). Just a simple conversation about how she was and what she had been up to. She then pokes at me by saying "Been seeing an old friend a lot lately. Been mostly hanging out at his place". Now out of all the things she could have said about her day, she has to pull out another guy and throw him in my face.


I acted like I was not fazed by this and just said "I hope he treats you right". Inside my heart has taken a sink. But I'm doing my best to keep my head held up.


Update: I had stated that I had made a new friend and was doing a few things in my life. She asked me "So who is your new friend? " The red flag came up immediately and I said "Is that something you really want to hear?" and "Why do I have a feeling this is going to take a bad turn?" (Should have listened to my gut) but she said "Try me " so I told her that my new friend was a girl and we had just met recently.

Instantly she turned into Mrs. Hyde and told me she was never going to talk to me again and was out of my life forever. That she regrets ever meeting me and I was the biggest mistake of her life. To ___ off and never speak to her again.

[rotiroti]

She replied shortly after telling me to stop e-mailing/contacting her or she'll block my e-mail address.


Why wouldn't she just block it right away instead of threatening to block it?

ugh, sorry you had to go through that Mitomaple.

It sounds like you're playing and filling the persecutor role to her/painted black. It can certainly be very frustrating... .have you checked out the tools off to the side of the website? Perhaps you should also cross post to the staying boards considering you would like a second chance

[LostGhost]

If you want a second chance, no contact is the only way. I had my second chance. It lasted 11 months. 4 months were great, 4 months were a rollercoaster, last two were hell. I went in the second time with much more knowledge, understanding and patience and the end result was still the same. They will find a reason, any reason to devalue you. Once they do, you become a trigger and they will plan their escape accordingly and there's nothing you can do to change that as far as I'm aware. They have a tendency to shatter your ego, sense of worth and dignity right before they exit. Keeps your head spinning and your heart hurting for weeks/months after. The desired effect I'm sure is to leave you obsessing over them.

Now I'm trying to decide between round three or getting on with my life. I'll assume she's already replaced me. I avoid her facebook and anything else like it to preserve my sanity. I will likely hear from her in a month or two when things go bad with my replacement.

My family and friends are losing patience. They know things will never get better and they're resenting her for how I've been treated, saying I deserve better. The liklihood of us ever having a healthy relationship is an illusion. The liklihood of her ever being happy with anyone is the same.

And yet, even though she treated me terribly, is probably having sex with someone else and laughing it up, cost me a fortune in money, health and emotion, likely painting me black... .I still think of her daily, still care about her. Love her? Well I can say I do with all my heart, but I know this isn't love. What we all have is a sickness.

[Mistomaple]

Woke up this morning after being told she was "out of my life" and I was "the biggest mistake of her life". She has initiated some contact saying "It's funny because I've been missing you a lot lately. I guess you haven't felt the same about me"


What am I expecting going forward. A Chase? Gritty details about what she's up to with her old "friend"?

I was expecting a cold shoulder for some time. But she hasn't been out of my life for about half a day.