"We're not getting back together" - "I never said Never"

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can see the fear of abandonment coming through and the nasty reaction it brings with it. Now she tells me that she despises me and that her and her family hate me. That she never loved me and was only using me this entire time to make her feel better. She also said she burned all the gifts I gave her, deleted all of our photos from FB etc and said she's sleeping with another man.


I've not taken any of this personally. It's just left me with a migraine.

 


 

[Mistomaple]

I can see the fear of abandonment coming through and the nasty reaction it brings with it. Now she tells me that she despises me and that her and her family hate me. That she never loved me and was only using me this entire time to make her feel better. She also said she burned all the gifts I gave her, deleted all of our photos from FB etc and said she's sleeping with another man.


I've not taken any of this personally. It's just left me with a migraine.

 


 

[once removed]

hey mistomaple 

im glad you can see this with a level head. she may be experiencing what is called an "extinction burst". it sounds like shes throwing everything under the sun at you. i heard it myself, and though its certainly no fun, and its surreal to see a person we have loved and cared for try to pull out all the stops to hurt us, its the sad reality of mental illness, and youre right: her actions are not personal or a reflection on you.

sorry to hear about your migraine, and i know you said youre not taking her behavior personally, but how are you feeling?

[Mistomaple]

I'm feeling the caretaker in me wanting to go and soothe her, even though I can't. It feels like everything has gone from bad to worse and little gut feelings I had have become reality (I knew another guy was going to pop up). Another part of me in angry and wants to yell and scream because she brought this on herself and is getting made over the advice that she gave me. She didn't want me last time we spoke and now that she finds out there I have befriended a girl, suddenly she's taking interest in my life again (Even though it's in a very negative way).


I'm confiding in my friends and support, continuing to do activities to stop myself from going into "saviour" mode. I hope she calms down a little and does want to talk.


I'm flying over on vacation to her home country at the end of September. Thinking about going to visit, but I don't know how I'd be received.

[once removed]

i can certainly understand the feeling of the gut feelings becoming reality. its surreal, and a shock to the system, even when something in us was somehow prepared for them. its also very confusing when, after the blow out, they respond to actions like befriending another girl. my ex broke up with me, but when i simply removed my relationship status on social media, it was as if id abandoned her. you may already know that this partly explains her behavior.

good for you for leaning on your friends, and im really glad you have them. as for a visit or talking to her later, id let some time pass before making any decisions. youve got time 

[Mistomaple]

Was quite shocking to see that my Exes mother had unfriended me from Facebook too. I guess that's just natural for a mother to look out for her daughter. It's a shame she felt she had to take this action against me. That woman is like a second mother to me and helped me understand my Ex and taught me the fundamentals of her BPD. That hit hurts more than my Ex not talking to me.

[Mistomaple]

Just hit home today what she has done. The woman I have all the love in the world for has tried to verbally destroy me, thrown her sex life in my face and burned the gifts I gave her then went on Facebook to gloat about it and how she feels liberated and renewed. I don't take it personally, but to see her friends and even an old Ex of hers encouraging this act is awful.

I have forgiveness in my heart, but right now the shock of it all has angered me. One of those gifts had a great sentimental value to me and to know that it was treated with such disrespect while I cherish everything she has ever given me.

[rotiroti]

Just hit home today what she has done. The woman I have all the love in the world for has tried to verbally destroy me, thrown her sex life in my face and burned the gifts I gave her then went on Facebook to gloat about it and how she feels liberated and renewed. I don't take it personally, but to see her friends and even an old Ex of hers encouraging this act is awful.

I have forgiveness in my heart, but right now the shock of it all has angered me. One of those gifts had a great sentimental value to me and to know that it was treated with such disrespect while I cherish everything she has ever given me.

Misto,

that's terrible

Wouldn't you agree that one should be able to freely receive the same love and respect the other partner gives and receives? Why couldn't you put your partner to the same standards you put yourself?

I saw that you also posted this on the staying board as well and want to ask you --

What are you looking for in this relationship? to disconnect or to reconnect?

What does an ideal relationship look to you? Is this something you can work with or is it a deal-breaker for you?

[Mistomaple]

Hi Never. I would love to receive the same love that I give to someone and I know that with my Ex that won't really be the case. I was content and took things as they are when we were together. In a twisted sorta way, things seemed easier when she was being cold, distant and acting up as my girlfriend. This now is very different territory, it's unstable, uncertain and unsafe. Right now despite everything it feels like I'm hanging over the edge of a crumbling cliff wall, reaching my hand out and hoping that she'll grab my hand before I fall.


Is the relationship normal or ideal? No. Is any of what happened a deal-breaker for me? No


A second shot wouldn't feel like a punishment for me. I'd be over the moon that I get a chance to look at the relationship realistically and treat it and myself the correct way. I'm getting on with my life, but at the same time I'm waiting for something to happen.

I'm just not sure what the difference is between picking your life back up and walking away?

[once removed]

i understand how this would all be very painful and make you angry as well. anger, within reason, is a healthy emotion. its great that you dont take her actions personally, but that doesnt mean they dont feel very personal or that they dont effect you. it is lousy, hurtful behavior. im sure it didnt help at all having her mother unfriend you. unfortunately, sometimes in these cases, family and friends are forced to choose sides. i think she probably could have handled it better.

[Mistomaple]

I've been doing more reading and research, trying to find out why my Ex keeps things inside and refuses to talk about them and why she gets so defensive when I point things out. The conclusion I came to was "Shame". She doesn't like talking about the past and avoids me because she's supressing and trying to get rid of it because she is unable to feel guilt and take responsibility. I do believe that the things she said and how she handled the situation has been another blow to her sense of self.


So if I'm right and this Shame can cause a pwBPD to do everything they can to avoid and bury. What is it that makes them want to come back and reach out to you? Is it simply the fear of being abandoned? Do they bury the shame first and then come looking?

[once removed]

I've been doing more reading and research, trying to find out why my Ex keeps things inside and refuses to talk about them and why she gets so defensive when I point things out. The conclusion I came to was "Shame". She doesn't like talking about the past and avoids me because she's supressing and trying to get rid of it because she is unable to feel guilt and take responsibility. I do believe that the things she said and how she handled the situation has been another blow to her sense of self.

i think this is probably a 100% accurate assessment. and as loved ones, or people close to them, we also become a trigger. these intense feelings are then perceived to be caused by us, and they are projected onto us.

"So if I'm right and this Shame can cause a pwBPD to do everything they can to avoid and bury. What is it that makes them want to come back and reach out to you? Is it simply the fear of being abandoned? Do they bury the shame first and then come looking?"

i think when it comes to a pwBPD reaching out to us, there are a whole host of possibilities in any given situation. first, not all pwBPD do this. second, as you may know, pwBPD have issues with object constancy and object permanence. we can be painted white again, or a pwBPD may struggle to fully "recall" us so they reach out, sometimes we may not even be aware theyre doing it (i tend to believe these are the two most common reasons). sometimes it is to test whether there is still an attachment in place, whether we are available. sometimes it is triangulation, and they are looking for us to rescue them from a situation or their feelings. sometimes they are looking for conflict with us, and/or for us to prove that we are "bad" to validate their feelings. in any event, it is said that a pwBPD does not fully detach, because they are unable to, even if it appears that they have, as it often does. they do not (cannot) experience the abandonment depression and walk through it as we do. they also likely do not recall the events surrounding the breakup, or for that matter, before it, in the same way that we do.

hope this helps.