Not sure what happened and confused

[blueastrid]

Over two years ago I met the man who would become my "boyfriend".  His behavior was never what I was used to.  He seemed so indifferent to anything having to do with me but yet acted like I was the best thing that happened to him.  The relationship continued for a little while, but then he said he needed a break.  We did.  About 2 months later he said he wanted to try again.  And I thought this was the time.  But it almost seemed as if the behavior was intensified.  No matter hwo many times and ways I talked calmly and gently about my needs, it was like he walked away without a clue as to what had gone wrong and how I was asking him to work on things.  he kept saying he wanted to be there, so I believed him.  The relationship continued for another year and literally crumbled before my eyes.  He started distancing himself, creating chaos in his excuses, lashing out for no reason at all... .making it virtually impossible to make it work.  I ended things again.  A few weeks later ran into him and we talked again, and decided there was "something" there and we would try again.  The past few months have been a nightmare.  It was like bad behavior on steroids... .almost as if I was a bother, a nuisance.  And I would say, do you want to be here?  And the answer was always yes, and I will try harder.  It became so extreme, I finally called last night and very nicely told him, he obviously doesn't need me in his life and doesn't treat me like he does want me there.  To which his last comment in addition to others was... ."you know, all you did and what you did for me, it's been what I have been always looking for"... ."and I'm sorry this didn't work and I disappointed you and let you down".

When I started to see him again, I went to talk with a counselor.  She told me many things about how this man was not god for me and she mentioned BPD in additional to other emotional disorders.  I am so utterly confused.  What happened?  How can I be what you are looking for, but yet you have no desire to try to make that work?  I should mention we are both 39-42 years old and never married.  He always said it was what he wanted and needed someone by his side.  But it seems it wasn't me.  Was I dealing with a BPD situation or something else?  

Thanks for listening.  It's so hurtful and confusing at the time to realize you meant very little to someone and they walked away with no fight.  Just pure acceptance... .

[Mutt]

Hi blueastrid,



I'm sorry to hear this

When I started to see him again, I went to talk with a counselor.  She told me many things about how this man was not god for me and she mentioned BPD in additional to other emotional disorders.  I am so utterly confused.  What happened?  How can I be what you are looking for, but yet you have no desire to try to make that work?

I can see how the behaviors would make us feel utterly confused. A pwBPD are emotionally arrested and want emotional intimacy and when we get to close to them the person fears engulfment; they act out and they push the non partner away, it's this push / pull behavior that feels like we're on an emotional rollercoaster.

What does "engulfment" mean?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi blueastrid, a warm welcome to the community to you. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like you've been on the roller coaster for a couple of years. You say that he was making it impossible for your relationship to work by his actions. Yet he says something totally different with his words. That can be very confusing, especially when it comes from somebody we love.

You said the past few months were a nightmare. So it seems like most people would expect you to feel relieved that he seems to be giving up on the relationship. How do you currently feel about it?

[apollotech]

Hi blue,

Welcome to the boards, but I am very sorry to hear that you have joined our club. As mentioned previously by other posters, the truth is in the actions rather than the words.

I can't say that your ex has BPD, but from what you've written, you becoming a bother, a nuisance, could be evidence of BPD. Oftentimes in a BPD relationship the Non (person without the disorder) is not the priority, the attachment is. Is that perhaps what went on in your relationship? Were you marginalized, yet he wouldn't dissolve the attachment (the attachment can be in place even while not in a relationship)?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi blueastrid, Welcome!

It's so hurtful and confusing at the time to realize you meant very little to someone and they walked away with no fight.

I would suggest that you meant a lot to him, which triggered a host of push/pull and other unhealthy reactions when he was acting out on his emotions.

The past few months have been a nightmare.

Best plan: Move on.

LuckyJim