22 year old daughter is suicidal again-feel so inadequate what do I say or do?

[Karen21]

 Hi my 22 year old daughter is suicidal again, it never leaves her mind, but is particularly bad at the moment, and I just don't know how to make her feel better, she says she is in so much pain, and would like euthanasia, she is staying at home tonight as she feels she may act on the feelings, I feel desperate to help her, need someone to talk to  :'( thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Gee, Karen21, I'm really sorry that your daughter is in so much pain right now, and that you are needing to deal with that... .We do have a Workshop that has very good advice for a situation like yours: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts. Here's something from that link that I think would help you right now:

How To Be Helpful to Someone Who Is Threatening Suicide

• Be direct. Talk openly and matter-of-factly about suicide.



• Be willing to listen. Allow expressions of feelings. Accept the feelings.



• Be non-judgmental. Don't debate whether suicide is right or wrong, or whether feelings are good or bad. Don't lecture on the value of life.



• Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support.



• Don't dare him or her to do it.



• Don't act shocked. This will put distance between you.



• Don't be sworn to secrecy. Seek support.



• Offer hope that alternatives are available but do not offer glib reassurance.



• Take action. Remove means, such as guns or stockpiled pills.



• Get help from persons or agencies specializing in crisis intervention and suicide prevention: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

From the bpdfamily protocol for suicidal ideation (https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm):

Helping someone with suicidal thoughts:

1. Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.

2. Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.

3. Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.

4. Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.

5. ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.

6. If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.

If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.

Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.

7. Urge professional help.

If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.

I know how hard it is to have a child in pain, and to feel like you can't do anything to make it go away... .But the things listed above can at least give you a handle on your situation and help you to center your daughter. How is she doing right now? It's actually a very good thing that she recognized her mental state and decided to stay home with you for her own protection; deep down she wants to overcome her depression and suicidal thoughts. And she knows that you can help... .

I hope we can help you, too, Karen21 

[Eggdad]

Karen,

I really feel for you and your daughter. From your previous posts and this one, she seems to be exactly where my daughter was two years ago. Almost every evening she would break down, curl up in a ball and cry out "I'm hurting dad, make it stop, make it stop, I can't live like this it hurts too much, make it stop", sometimes she would switch to "you're enjoying this aren't you, you like to see me suffer, mom hates me, I'll never be good enough for her, what did I do to deserve this", this would go on for one,  two,  three hours, then she would run  out of steam and calm down, but the hurt was always there.

BPD made her feel worthless, guilty for dragging her loved ones down with her and unrelenting shame for not being able to deal with it herself.

I understand that the possibility of suicide is scary, but scarier still for her is the prospect of continuing to live with so much pain. You can validate this pain, this very real pain, with "it must be awful to feel so much pain and despair that it makes you wish you were dead". The real issue here is not suicide, it's her inner pain. If you recognize and acknowledge her emotional pain, she will feel validated and the emotion can start de escalating.

Has your daughter had DBT therapy? DBT can teach her skills to help in everyday life. The only therapy that helped my daughter is individual DBT therapy. Group DBT was too structured, with homework and what not, it just didn't work for my D.

Two years ago a psychiatric nurse told my D ":)BT is causing you a lot of pain right now, but you can get better, however it's going to take a lot of hard work". Typical S.E.T.  That simple intervention gave D the impulse to start.  It took her two weeks to summon the courage to pick up the phone and call the DBT specialized clinic for an initial appointment. I held her hand while she called, but SHE made the call.

Hang in there,  it can get better. With time and work, it can get a lot better.

Eggdad

[kelti1972]

Hi Karen:

That has got to be so hard.  I know when my son threatened or talked about it, it just killed me inside.  I just listened to the video or watched it on difference between adolescents and those with BPD.  He talked about suicide.  Maybe that video would help some.  What Eggdad said was so touching too.  And the helping someone with BPD was really helpful also.  Take care! Kelti

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Karen21 

I was just wondering how your daughter is doing today?

How has your week been going?

I've been thinking about you, and your daughter 

[Karen21]

Morning All

Thank you to Eggdad for your message, I don't know if you will see this, or am I supposed to send a private message? sounds to me like your daughter is very lucky to have such an understanding Dad, my heart goes out to her, it is so unfair that our daughters have to suffer so much.  My daughter has recently had some "Rewind" therapy, but has not found it helpful so has discontinued it, she did have very intense DBT afew years ago when she was in hospital for 5 months, but she was only 15 then and I think it was a lot to take in, and like your daughter did not like the group sessions, but I might suggest she try DBT again.

To Kelti1972 thank you so much for your kind words, I will watch the video, and I hope your son is doing better x

To Rapt Reader, thank you for thinking about us it is very comforting knowing people understand, things have calmed abit, my husband took a day off work yesterday (which is very rare he is self employed) so he could take my daughter out and give me a rest, not that she is behaving badly or anything but she is constantly here and the worry. She stayed at her won flat last night, but was back here again at 7 am this morning, she is sleeping a lot, we have just been out for a coffee in town, and now she has got back in bed again, she has Depo injections every 2 weeks which have been helping with the strange thoughts and paranoia but she tells me they are creeping back in again, so I am just letting her rest so she can get some peace from her brain, I hope your daughter is doing well, does she work, live at home? xx

[Rapt Reader]

Thanks for giving us an update, Karen21 (It's perfect to do so in the thread where the conversation is, too) 

My own child with BPD is my adult (38) son, but he had been plagued with Depression and Suicidal Ideations for all of his adult life, and was the reason he ended up being diagnosed with BPD in the first place in April 2013. His story is at the link in my signature line (and here: Son's Dual Dx Pgm & NFT Story). The Dual Diagnosis Program was integral to his eventual recovery, and the NFT (Neurofeedback Therapy) has been integral to his ongoing recovery and well-being. It's a hopeful story; my son is doing really well now 

I'm really happy to hear that your husband is so supportive of you and your daughter; it really helps to have a support system in place for dealing with these things... .My son does live with us, and is not working outside of our home, but is working on a Graphic Novel--writing and artwork are his gifts--which he is trying to finish. He has also been diagnosed with ADD (at age 20), so finishing this novel will be a great accomplishment when it happens. His dad and I are using Radical Acceptance of our situation with him to be open-minded about this endeavor of his. He really is an exceptional artist, so we are very hopeful

Here's the information we have on Radical Acceptance if you would like to check it out: Radical Acceptance for family members 

[Eggdad]

Hi Karen,

Responding in this thread is perfect. You can also send me a private message anytime if you wish, I receive an email notification when someone sends me a private message on this site.

Thanks for your kind words. You're right, it's unfair that our daughters suffer so much. My D is so much better than she was two years ago, today we actually look forward to the days when she comes to our house, usually calling ahead "mind if I come over to do my laundry?"

You are obviously a caring mother doing everything you can for your daughter. I'm glad your husband is also on the team. I hope he also reads up on BPD and the tools he can acquire to help your D, starting with validation.

I just read up on the Rewind therapy, it seems to be a short term therapy to address specific traumatic events or phobias, where BPD affects the patient's thought and emotional patterns in a more pervasive manner. I'm not surprised that your D did not find it helpful. It is encouraging that she still had the will to go to a few sessions and also that she could confide in you that didn't find it helpful. It shows that she is willing to work at getting better.

My own D had terminated two therapies prior to learning about BPD and three others since. She lived each terminated therapy as a failure, felt very depressed and was sure she could never summon up the energy to restart the process with another therapist. While the first times I tried to persuade her to persevere, I've come to learn to trust her jugement. The delay between a terminated therapy and the start of a new one varied from 4 to 7 months. Lately she told me that she learned helpful things with each of those therapists, despite the fact that most therapies ended with a crisis. Today she's been seeing her current therapist for 6 months. She doesn't work but she will be starting a college level program in jewelry this September.

Accepting my daughter's illness,  overcoming my feelings of guilt and learning to step back and let her make her own decisions and face the outcomes was a long and extremely difficult process for me. I don't want to ramble on those issues in this post, but don't hesitate to ask if you would like me to expand on these.

[madmom]

Eggdad, congratulations for all your hard work.  Thank you for giving hope to all of us...