need to vent

[understandnow]

Help its me again.  Just to give you a quick history of our latest turmoil. My son has been accused of child molestation recently that happened 20 yrs ago.  He had is children taken out of the house and given them to the grandmother on his wife's side.  I had his first child who is not his wife's child.  I believe the wife and her mom have all the traits of BPD along with my son who is adopted (could that be possible?).  Well as you can imagine all three of them are spiraling out of control.  My issue I am dealing with is they are all projecting onto me and attacking me from every direction,  I was proud of the fact that I ignored the calls and texts that spewed venoem.  I was not going to take the bait.  My son even called me to complain about things that happened in his childhood 20 yrs ago and everything I did wrong.  They were so trivial (I wouldn't let him have a water pistol). He was very violent as a child.  Now that I have had counseling and read every article and book I could fine I could see the BPD in all its glory.  The problem is I can't throw away the anger I feel, even though I understand and actually feel for their feelings of worthlessness.  Am I really as educated about BPD as I think I am or is this a normal feeling.  I told all of them when this all happen that we are family and we will get through this as a family (Our family has been alienated from the grandkids on my Dil side for about 8 months .  My son takes them over about once a week without her knowledge.    I am being attacked.  I feel angry.  This group has been so helpful in so many ways. I appreciate the calming comments and information that is Given to me and hopefully you can give me some ideas and not let this anger take over my otherwise peaceful life. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

I guess all I can say in the brief moment I have right now is that if you are feeling angry it might be because you are taking what they say to heart and believing it to be true, or you are letting your pride take over to defend your honor.  Those are the times that I would feel anger with my DD38 anyway.  When I stopped making the words be about me on my insides, then I was untouched by them other than my inner sadness that she feels and hurts and thinks the ways that she does.  I truly feel very different when I make that choice.  When I'm taking it personally then I feel a heat inside and lots of different emotions. When I do not take it personally then I feel a calmness and very secure in my being. I have learned that if I slip into the emotional body that I must control myself till I am back into my centered self, otherwise I make big mistakes, which worsen everything.

[understandnow]

Thanks for answering so quickly thefixermom, interesting reasons. I don't think I believe the things he is saying,  but maybe wanting to defend my honor hit a nerve.  Never thought of it that way.  I also prided myself in the fact that I was a good caring, kind, person.  I so want to defend myself to the accusations but haven't because I know it would just lead to an argument.  So is my plan to create a positive inner peace?  Sounds like it.  I can't change what I can't change.  Just have to work on more inner peace.  I definetly don't feel inner peace right now, but I promise you I will.  Thanks.

[js friend]

Hi understandnow,

I would agree with thefixermom. pwBPD's will always try to find your achilles heel and will attack you where they think you will hurt the most.They will literally throw the book at you until they find your spot. I thought I was immune to dd's hateful remarks until accused me of me not being a very good grandma.

Now that hurt

They are unravelling in their own dysfunction and looking for someone to blame as usual.Best to  leave the anger to them as they are so good at it and  try not to take their comments personally.