How Does One Cope with the emotional fallout after final Break

[Eye438]

My mind is muddled with so many feelings and emotions I actually feel emotionally sick inside after my revelation recently that my relationship with my BPD ex has become so toxic for both of us. It has been brewing for some time and when she told me she wanted out a month ago I was relieved in the sense that I was not the one to end it because of her BPD symptoms and her severe abandonment issues I was never equipped to break it off because I was the rescuer.

Now it's over for at least a month and I have NC which is the only way for me to untangle and get my mind back. Here I am in a state of wow, what happened the past five years and how long will it take to get myself back in my spirit and my soul I have allowed myself to be emptied out completely for a love that was not real but very unhealthy and toxic.

How long will it take to find me and just breath and be happy? A year is what I am feeling and I knew losing myself In the relationship was happening all along and I allowed it.

I am a painter(artist) for over 20 years and had much success and have not really been able to paint thru much of the relationship with my BPD ex.

I really wishi this real muddy distorted feeling would go away, I keep myself very busy but finding hard to paint in the soulful way I once able to without a problem. It's just makes me sad on so many levels. 

[joeramabeme]

Eye438, Good question.  Not being a wise guy saying this but the answer feels to me like; the best way you can. 

I have many interests, but not interested in any of them at the moment.  The only thing that feels soothing and reaffirming is reading, writing and Ice Cream.  Sometimes I take walks just cause I know my body needs to burn off a few calories.  LOL!

Not much use here other than to affirm that coping with the fallout is a long process.

I have heard and read from multiple sources that it takes about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years invested into the r/s.  My only problem with this formula is I don't when my clock started?   From emotional b/u or physical departure or from divorce date.  Guess I will have more clarity in 2 years.

What do you find yourself doing in your spare time.

[Eye438]

Eye438, Good question.  Not being a wise guy saying this but the answer feels to me like; the best way you can. 

I have many interests, but not interested in any of them at the moment.  The only thing that feels soothing and reaffirming is reading, writing and Ice Cream.  Sometimes I take walks just cause I know my body needs to burn off a few calories.  LOL!

Not much use here other than to affirm that coping with the fallout is a long process.

I have heard and read from multiple sources that it takes about 1 year of recovery for every 5 years invested into the r/s.  My only problem with this formula is I don't when my clock started?   From emotional b/u or physical departure or from divorce date.  Guess I will have more clarity in 2 years.

What do you find yourself doing in your spare time.

Right now am visiting my sis in Chicago and have my mind off of the garbage am going home on Monday an now I am thinking about starting art classes in my home to make money and also to heal. I have always been a very social person which dwindled significantly while engaged with my BPD ex loss of some friends etc I refuse to lay in bed and be depressed which is what I did throughout my 5 years with BPD ex.

[Darsha500]

I just got this book. Consider checking it out.

www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

[twanda2020]

Eye438 - You are not alone. I struggle everyday with the b/u which technically was 2 years ago, so 19 years in a relationship. Then the recycle happened and in away another b/u even though we weren't officially back together. So I have known and been involved with her for 21 years. I feel like I am back to step one in the whole getting back on my feet deal. This last month on NC has been hard, espcially since I said we could be friends, but she wasn't being honest with me and seemed to only be getting ahold of me for financial and emotional support. Pretty one sided really... .So I said I needed time.

I feel like you do. I was very social when I met her. As the years passed and the dysfunctional relationship continued so did the the withdraw from friends, family, things I enjoy. Now I find myself trying to figure who I am. I have all this time on my hands and only myself to worry about, well the pets too. It seems completely alien to me.

I have no wise advice or deep insight to how to get through all of it. I take it day by day. I been doing a lot of reading, this forum has been a lot of help. I have also been doing a lot of self reflection. Owning up to my part in the relationship and working on forgiving myself and her. Everyday gets a little bit easier. I guess the one thing I have realized is that I have managed to get through a lot over the years so I know I am a strong person. I think we all are on here!

Just remember you aren't alone. This place helps a lot, to vent, to ask questions, and to know people understand what you are going through. Lots of support.

I am always up for and willing to chat it helps too. You are welcome to PM.

[Eye438]

I just got this book. Consider checking it out.

www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

Thank you 

[Mutt]

I can see how that would be difficult if you're a painter and couldn't paint through much of your relationship with a partner with BPD. I can see how sad that would feel.

It's hard to judge how long that it takes for us to mend our wounds, everyone's healing journey is different and self-care is important. It's good to hear that you're interested with investing more time in your craft.

You have the right idea with no contact, it's not a quick and dirty rule, it's a tool that can help us with detaching from an ex partner and get rid of that muddy distorted feeling.

Here's an article on how to survive a break up and the Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Eye438]

I can see how that would be difficult if you're a painter and couldn't paint through much of your relationship with a partner with BPD. I can see how sad that would feel.

It's hard to judge how long that it takes for us to mend our wounds, everyone's healing journey is different and self-care is important. It's good to hear that you're interested with investing more time in your craft.

You have the right idea with no contact, it's not a quick and dirty rule, it's a tool that can help us with detaching from an ex partner and get rid of that muddy distorted feeling.

Here's an article on how to survive a break up and the Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Yes thank you for affirmation I know in my heart it's do or die so upward and one day at a time.

[Mutt]

I can see how that would be difficult if you're a painter and couldn't paint through much of your relationship with a partner with BPD. I can see how sad that would feel.

It's hard to judge how long that it takes for us to mend our wounds, everyone's healing journey is different and self-care is important. It's good to hear that you're interested with investing more time in your craft.

You have the right idea with no contact, it's not a quick and dirty rule, it's a tool that can help us with detaching from an ex partner and get rid of that muddy distorted feeling.

Here's an article on how to survive a break up and the Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

Yes thank you for affirmation I know in my heart it's do or die so upward and one day at a time.

I agree. Take it one day at a time. Understand that you're not alone in this journey   It helps to share with people that can relate.

[Loosestrife]

I have read a lot of books, but this was the most helpful in helping me get past the pain and gain some perspective and insight:

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Human-Magnet-Syndrome-People/dp/1936128314

[strong9]

It's been 2 years for me with attempts by her to re engage for support. We have 3 kids so I can't avoid her. But I think I'm in a good place and I still have my moments. Like you say, take it day by day but please have compassion for yourself if things don't go as fast as you'd like.

[Eye438]

I have read a lot of books, but this was the most helpful in helping me get past the pain and gain some perspective and insight:

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Human-Magnet-Syndrome-People/dp/1936128314

This book is about narcissist and the codependent but really good for any toxic relationship the thing that stands out to me is being codependent of which I think I totally am at this point. I don't like it but I have to look at myself more than I would like right now. Thank you for sharing I am a reader and will get the book and it will help me to move forward.

[Eye438]

It's been 2 years for me with attempts by her to re engage for support. We have 3 kids so I can't avoid her. But I think I'm in a good place and I still have my moments. Like you say, take it day by day but please have compassion for yourself if things don't go as fast as you'd like.

Hard right now to be compassionate about oneself when I knowingly entered into an unhealthy relationship.

Thank you for pointing that out

[strong9]

It's been 2 years for me with attempts by her to re engage for support. We have 3 kids so I can't avoid her. But I think I'm in a good place and I still have my moments. Like you say, take it day by day but please have compassion for yourself if things don't go as fast as you'd like.

Sometimes we can find compassion for others but not for ourselves. Keep looking for it. It helps you

Hard right now to be compassionate about oneself when I knowingly entered into an unhealthy relationship.

Thank you for pointing that out

You can't blame yourself for opening your heart. Being a warm human being is never wrong. The fact that you did that tells me you can definitely find compassion for yourself. And everyone on this board will be here to remind you of that.

[SGraham]

Well i don't know about you but Pink Floyd is always there for me when i need to em. No in all seriousness, a much wiser person then i once told me (on this message board) that it is helpful getting back into things that you loved and defined you before the relationship. God, i know its tough when you feel like you are basically living from one distraction to the next, im right there with you. Hang in there bud

[whitebackatcha]

Hard right now to be compassionate about oneself when I knowingly entered into an unhealthy relationship.

Thank you for pointing that out

I could cry at this, because I feel exactly the same way. And you know what? I'd recycle if given the chance. It's hard not to feel like I deserve what I get for being so stupid! If we loved ourselves more though, we probably wouldn't have ended up with these people in the first place. We have to try.

[tenderhearted]

Hey eye, I hear you. These break ups are incredibly hard, confusing, and painful. I was where you were 7 months ago and thought I'd be feeling terribly forever.

It gets better. I promise.

What was helpful for me: rest, exercise, eating healthy, surrounding myself with close trusted friends, allowing myself to miss her while reminding myself our relationship will never satisfy me emotionally, and forgiving myself for losing myself.

Of course there were days where these things felt impossible. Those were the days when I really had to take care of myself emotionally, close my eyes, and repeat I love you.

tenderness, compassion, gentleness given to the self slowly overtime can help someone heal from the toxicity

I don't know you but I know you can do this. I feel very sure about that.

Can you think of any kind things you can do for yourself?

[Eye438]

Well i don't know about you but Pink Floyd is always there for me when i need to em. No in all seriousness, a much wiser person then i once told me (on this message board) that it is helpful getting back into things that you loved and defined you before the relationship. God, i know its tough when you feel like you are basically living from one distraction to the next, im right there with you. Hang in there bud

thank you!

[Eye438]

Hey eye, I hear you. These break ups are incredibly hard, confusing, and painful. I was where you were 7 months ago and thought I'd be feeling terribly forever.

It gets better. I promise.

What was helpful for me: rest, exercise, eating healthy, surrounding myself with close trusted friends, allowing myself to miss her while reminding myself our relationship will never satisfy me emotionally, and forgiving myself for losing myself.

Of course there were days where these things felt impossible. Those were the days when I really had to take care of myself emotionally, close my eyes, and repeat I love you.

tenderness, compassion, gentleness given to the self slowly overtime can help someone heal from the toxicity

I don't know you but I know you can do this. I feel very sure about that.

Can you think of any kind things you can do for yourself?

learning to love myself is good thank you for pointing that out. I am really moving forward with my life 5 years were spent on someone else for sure. I am an artist and just got a commission for a painting, I have not been able to paint in years, I am starting to get motivated and having no contact with my ex is a good thing. I blocked her but her things are still here. I am going to pack it up and in garage. That is my next step.

Thank you

[Eye438]

Hard right now to be compassionate about oneself when I knowingly entered into an unhealthy relationship.

Thank you for pointing that out

I could cry at this, because I feel exactly the same way. And you know what? I'd recycle if given the chance. It's hard not to feel like I deserve what I get for being so stupid! If we loved ourselves more though, we probably wouldn't have ended up with these people in the first place. We have to try.

You are right we have to learn to love ourselves first and I need to quit trying to be a rescuer. I am moving forward with no desire to recycle what I have already been thru it's all way too draining. I feel like I need a long rest on a tropical island sipping a margarita.