Husband left me 1 month ago - silent treatment

[Missbmoonshine]

Hi all.

I guess it won't hurt to share a little bit about what I'm going through. My BPD husband has left me again, one month ago, and won't partake in any form of communication whatsoever. He's even blocked my phone number and two weeks ago he stopped posting on fb or even checking his messages. I've actually only tried to reach him 3 times in the last month, since our initial blow up the day he left.

We have been married for only 9 months. Together for 3 years now. We have been friends since I was 9, and he was 10. He has left me multiple times in the past displaying similar behavior. Things will seem they're going good and then something stressful will happen and he will start to withdraw and ignore my needs, I will in turn start getting upset sending him texts and calling "where are you for hours and hours, why won't you respond to anything in saying etc". He has a past of cheating which happened right after our daughter was born, but before we were officially married. He left me when she was two weeks old and actually a few times while I was pregnant. I was crushed, and he also cut off communication for the most part at that time also but still responded on occasion. He eventually came back and wanted to get married. He was so absolutely sure, and wanted to show me how much I meant to him. He got completely sober, which was also a problem we needed him to address, he went back to school, he moved in with me and my dad to get through school, he worked full time, he posted online every week how amazing his wife is and how much she meant to him, cooked me dinners, was very involved in everything to do with me and our child, it was a dream and I finally felt my best friend was back and had "opened his eyes". He had off and on been diagnosed with bipolar and BPD throughout the years, but I was the only one in his life encouraging him to pursue information about what was going on and seek help. Throughout the years, it had been a non negotiable for me and he would seek the help, but never follow through after the first appt or two with psychiatrist/therapist. When I first got together with him he was on meds (mood stabilizer etc) but eventually said they made him feel depressed and like a zombie so he quit them. When he came back and got sober , he seemed to be doing so well that I agreed with him that maybe addiction had been the "real" problem all along, and now with sobriety and structure, he would continue to be well! Now I regret that I ever believed that.

We have been through so much together and he's done things for me he's never done in his life that have showed real devotion. He moved to California completely out of his comfort zone to try to be there for me when I found out I was pregnant. He lived in a sober home, a complete dump, because it was affordable and I wanted him to work on being sober, and he got a job out there immediately to help make ends meet. We eventually moved back home to the Midwest for the remainder of the pregnancy, but it meant the world to me bc I now know just how tough that must of been for him to completely uproot himself and move someplace with no structure or support besides me.  He really trusted me.

Over the month before he left a few stressful things happened that I feel in hindsight "triggered" him and I wish I'd seen it before instead of focusing so hard on standing my ground and teaching him a lesson in an effort to help him realize his actions towards me were wrong. It's all a blur in a way but I'll do my best to explain what happened. First we had got into an argument over money and where all his money kept going... .Every time we set money aside to move out of my dads, he would say "he can't find it" and other ridiculous excuses. I'm talking like 800$... .One day he got into a rage with me over it and packed all his stuff and left. Since he had done this a few times over the months, my dad was fed up with it. He came back two days later apologizing, took me to pancakes and told me he was practicing meditation and other things to help control his fits of rage. At the time I had no idea how common this was for BPD bc I hadn't been reading much on it. My main research has been on bipolar, and until recently I never realized how similar he is to the studies done on Borderling PD, rather than bipolar. It makes sense now while bipolar never fully added up right to us. His family ignores anything being wrong with him at all I should mention, though they admit he's caused them so much strife and tears and loss of sleep over the years, they don't believe in meds. Anyway, I told him I forgave him and was glad he came and apologized but that my dad wasn't going to let him move back right away... .I could tell this stressed him out bc he was already working and going to school full time and I was with the baby so couldn't contribute to rent. Although I did work 6 months out of the 9 months we've been married. I'd recently taken a break bc I felt I had been missing out on so much and wanted to spend more time with my daughter.  When I took a break from working, looking back it also seems to be the same time he began getting more stressed out. Even though we didn't pay rent, all the pressure felt to be on him he had said and it was "too much" (mind you, he doesn't really give me cash, my dad basically has still been supporting me and my daughter although my husband will pay for meals for me and little odds and ends, and he makes my car payment which was a gift to me a couple months ago and absolutely has meant the world! He's in school so he CAN better provide when he graduates and gets a job welding) ... .I don't know what to do if him finishing school / providing is too much, I don't think I could do everything alone. So he stayed with his parents that week, while we got money together to move in somewhere. As per usual, he suddenly told me one day that he couldn't find his money... .I felt he was lieing to me and spent it all. I kept pushing for the truth. He began being more and more distant that week and one day he finally ignored me for an entire day. I blew his phone up. I wished id never done this now that I've read what I've read about BPD. Clearly I scared the hell out of him (engulfment) when he was ready feeling all

The weigh of the world on his shoulders. But I didn't know how to accept his behavior and the increasing lies. I even caught him lieing about where he really was a couple times which was so odd bc it wasn't a big deal, he was just ignoring me and I guess without expressing it, needed space and for me to back off. So after ignoring me that day, he called the next and admitted he had relapsed on drugs and wrecked his car. I was supportive and loving as could be. Was encouraging that he would be ok! He's got this! We are all here for him! But he seemed soo upset about it, he couldn't stop crying. He seemed almost hysterical as though he wasn't ever going to be able to stop? Even though he said it was the once and he was grateful to be ok and have another chance and not doing it again... .The same week he was kicked out of my dads, he relapsed, and got held back a phase at welding school. I still don't know the truth about why that happened or if he's really even in school anymore. After the relapse he continued being distant... .We bickered about it. He would lie. Nothing was improving so I finally backed off. I did not contact him for two days, and I did not hear from him either. On the third morning, he text me early 8 am saying "We can talk today". I thought that was an odd was to put it like "he was in charge; allowing us permission to talk". I felt it was worded strangely but now looking back he must of been trying to regain control over our relationship in a way.

That day he was really pushy about talking although I was busy and needed to wait and meet later on. Finally with his insistence, I said ok fine we can meet now. Where do you want to meet? Coffee? (Since we'd just met for pancakes the last time to talk that week) He refused and said no I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to talk. Right then it began to hit me. I said back to him "So basically you just don't want to dump your wife in public?" He said "yes and let me tell you why"... .I began to break down crying. He started shooting one text after another, every excuse you could possibly think of, he said it. It changed and changed. He basically just wanted out and he wanted out now. He said he didn't love me, said our marriage was a mistake, said he's felt this way for soo long (even though you were just trying to get me pregnant the week before and every Facebook status you've had in the last 8 months have been about how incredibly happy you are and how in love you are with your wife), said he doesn't care about our child, then he got mean and nasty when that wasn't working. He continued to blow my phone up arguing until 5 am. Then the next day he sent me AND my dad lies and exaggerations about how I am a cheater and he's filing infidelity on me, how He was with his attorney right then (though his mom said he didn't have one), how he was repossessing my car from me bc it's in his name and they were coming to tow it any day now, etc etc... .I guess I didn't expect what would happen next.

After that blow up, I have not heard anything from him in over a month now. I've sent one letter, two weeks ago, stating how I was there for him, how I need to know what is going on and if he is planning to file for divorce, asking him for the title to the car so I can make the now LATE car payment and tag it bc it was new and now the tag is expired, said that I realized he had needed my support during that time more and he was overwhelmed and I'd wished we would have communicated more and that I'd seen it then and been there for him more instead of pushing so hard, that I hope for his own future happiness he will begin to take his diagnosis seriously and seek some therapy, that I would like to talk, if he could just say anything to me, that I loved him. He read it, and at this time he began to stop checking and posting on Facebook. Up until that day, he was making status's about how depressed he was and how he needed people to be there for him during his "darkest hour" (the victim) and how there were so many people he had wanted to see for so long that I had not allowed (controlled ideals, wasn't true... .He's talking about drug addicts we both mutually wanted him to stay away from)... .How he needed a place to stay, that he was "employed, cash in hand, and I'm cute"... .So after reading my message he hasn't posted anything since. That was two weeks ago now. And mutual friends say they've tried to reach him and he didn't respond.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's recycled an ex yet again and is distracted for the meantime. But our car payment is now late, and I'm driving around with the tag expired with our 11 month old. My birthday was 2 days ago and I tried to reach him the 3rd time this month... .Sent him a text. My phone number is still blocked I believe. There is so much I would love to talk to him about since doing so much research over the last month and identifying with so many of our problems through the BPD forums and sites... .But he probably doesn't want to hear that. It is eating me up living in this silence, not knowing what's going to happen. I have my good days and my bad. I'm focusing on my own career now and making great strides. I've put off my career for sometime so being involved in it again and making strides is certainly helpful to my self esteem. But there is this hole inside me that keeps me up looking for answers night after night, and I just keep waiting almost holding my breath either to hear from him or receive divorce paperwork, news that he's filed... .Or that he's in a new relationship... .It just all feels so unfinished and I complete, there is so much I want to say... .But I don't know when again he will open his ears and heart again to me? I apologize if this has been so scattered and long, but it's difficult writing it all and trying to sum up everything that's taken place, while still giving you all an accurate idea of the situation. If there are any suggestions or advice here you all could share with me, it would be so very appreciated. I know maybe there's not much I can do beyond wait, but please advice if there is anything else I can do, and what to do should I hear from him... .I don't want to give up yet though I know to everyone it looks very unhealthy. We've made great strides in our relationship over the years, and I just don't believe it's hopeless at this point in our marriage. It would be difficult for me to walk away feeling that way. I want to protect my daughter and myself, but if there is hope I want to know. I don't know if I'm going to hear from him soon or not. With his pattern, I would think so? But i also read that once the relationship begins to really break down in this way he could feel it's hopeless at this point, have devalued me, and out of site out of mind kind of thing... .

Lastly, I will mention in the past when he's left he made comments to me that were so obviously red flags of BPD I feel so annoyed with myself I didn't see it before! Statements such as "I don't know why I think the way I think. I start to look at all the negative and pick you apart in my head... .I don't know why I do the things I do." or "I have a fear of abandonment and I know one day I'll be the one to leave you all, so I have to do it now" and "I know who I am and so do you. I'm not good." "You need to learn to be more independent so you don't put so much weight on your partner, bc I feel like no matter what I do it's never good enough and it's all too much" I don't understand how one minute he wants to be the man of the house and the next he resents me for it. I don't understand how one minute he's so happy and in love and the next he's completely fine with never speaking to me again and can't get away from me fast enough. I'm so tired of waiting day after day wondering what's going to happen, what I should do, what I should of done... .It's emotionally taken such a huge toll on me. I wish I would have found this website so much sooner and had the knowledge I'm beginning to find access to before. Thanks again for listening and any feedback! <3 B

[once removed]

hey missbmoonshine, and

thank you for sharing. feels good to get our story out eh? im glad youve found this community, as many members here can relate, and we are here to support you .

im also very sorry that all of this has happened to you. knowing each other since nine and ten years old, you have quite a history together, and this must be very painful  .

both having children and the prospect (or reality) of marriage can really heighten a pwBPDs fears of engulfment or abandonment and that may explain some of his behavior too. this is not a reflection on you, but it feels very personal and no less painful  . its important to remember that a pwBPD desperately wants love and to be loved to become whole, but for a person suffering from this illness, it is very very difficult to sustain, and this results in much of the push/pull behavior we experience.

the silence is torturous, and im really sorry to hear youre on the receiving end of it. im glad to hear youre progressing in your career though; this will be something of a life line for you in this journey. hopefully we will be too, please keep posting and sharing your story.

have you had an opportunity to look at the lessons (links) directly to the right? they will provide further clarity on your situation, insofar as you can control it.

hang in there