Feel so alone with my grief

[Justftday1968]

Hi there I have just gone no contact with my 30yr old daughter . I finally  did it with a letter after years of abuse . Rages. Blame . And violence . It has been the hardest thing iv ever had to do . In the end for my own sanity . I will no longer see my beautiful  4yr old grandson  . I would have gone no contact sooner if not for him . Two years she attacked me from behind while I was driving with her son in the car . Thumping me round the head only stopping when we ended up on the embankment of the motorway. I thought this would have been her turning point realising she could have killed me and her son . She never really apologised. And has continued her raging and blaming ever since all in ear shot of her son . Holding me to ransom in arguments.  Dragging him from me  . Saying il never see him again. Only  to turn up the next day like nowt has happened.  The reason I finally decided on no contact was last week she came with my grandson . Who iv always had a close relationship.  He stood at the door and looked right at me like she does. I call it the death stare . He didn't want to come in . I asked what was wrong with him . She just raged what do I think she's abusing him . I just stayed quiet . She came in . I was helping her do her cv . Out of no where she said she'd have never had had her son had I not said I'd babysit while she wrked. I just cud not believe my ears . This was four years when I was with my partner and would have been able. Now I'm single and have been made redundant 2 yrs ago and am struggling to look for work myself . Iv always known there is no bond with her and her son . Thank god he sees his father 3 days a week . I feel like there's no point to anything . She my only child .

I cry constantly can't eat sleep.  Sick of people saying unhelpful things like it'll blow over . And talking about  normal stuff . If I'd lost my daughter and grandson to death surly people wouldn't b acting like they are . I'm under woman s aid f an ex partner.  Evan she said after incident in car you need t sort yourself s out . If a man had done that I'm sure she'd have looked at it differently.  Really over years iv had social wrkers . Doctors . Therapist all say she's fine no problems.  Iv tried to explain re BPD she won't have it and takes responsibility for nothing  . Her poor ex partner who I blamed for years and it was her . Always causing dramas . Sleeping with his best mate ect ect ect . I can honestly say I don't like her at all . The best I can wish for is she comes to attention of child services and my grandson goes to live with his father . She ignores him , always on her phone or staring blankly into space . His speech is not good for his age I no its b cause of how she is . He is fed .clothed and washed but that's as far as it goes .

Thank you for listening

X

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Hi Justfd,1968,

My heart just broke when I read your post.

My udd20  has 2 children and they are the   of my life so I can understand how you must be feeling about going NC when you have such a close bond with your GS. There must be much sorrow there.

I have no words of advice as I have only been through very short periods of NC which were enforced by my own dd but I felt the pain nevertheless. It is heartbreaking that when  it happens but fortunately both times she got back in touch when she needed  wanted to go out and needed someone to look after the children because she effectively has no-one else. So I can imagine feeling that you need to do this must be last option, but Im just thinking out loud here as  I know you have written the letter, but would it be possible to go LC instead of NC and to see your GS through his father? Is this an option or do you think your dd wouldn't allow it?

From what I have read here, other posters who have ended their r/s or have gone LC or NC with a letter often recieve a more hateful response from the pwBPD as facts of their abuse towards us is often denied.

Hopefully this will be a wakeup for call for your dd(we can only hope) and if she does decide to respond using the tools on the right may help when it comes to future communcation with her.

Sending you hugs at such a tough time.

 

[solidstate]

One thing that stands out to me is the idea of disenfranchised grief. As you pointed out, the average person just doesn't relate. I too have felt that a lot, either people looking at me like my dd's problems are the result of my parenting (have questioned that, but with professional help decided my mothering was "good enough".

Other people don't seem to get it. Not sure if you feel this way, but I realize that grieving over something that the average person can't fathom or validate (disenfranchised grief) is a very lonely experience. I tend not to reach out in person (other than with therapist) because like you said, many things other people say make you feel worse.

I'm sorry you are stuck with that (grief that most others can't understand), and the pain of watching a grandchild be turned against you by your daughter.

I feel like here we have many others who "get it"

[AVR1962]

I feel for what you are going thru. I think after time we learn all we can do is save our own sanity and step away. The craziness of BPD can make us crazy just to try and deal with. It sounds like you have been there for your daughter but she can only cast blame, like my own daughter. Relationships like this turn very lop-sided. We love our children and we are there for them but we allow the mistreatment in hopes that one day they will mature. I think that is typical of parents, always hoping and wanting the best for our children but we have to be realistic too. If our grown children cannot treat us with respect we need to step away with love. Being the target for anyone blame is not healthy for us. My daughter (34) is the same, everything is always my fault, and she too does not take care of her children.

I have sat in many counselor chairs to hear them say over and again, "support" but I tell you being their cheerleader still isn't enough, or wasn't in my daughter's case. I listened and listened to her drama, it was one issue after the other constantly and when here wasn't an issue she was making an issue. Last summer she and her family came to visit, I helped pay for the trip. The boy (9) looks at me and says, "my mom says that when she was a kid you (daughter clears her throat which told me that alot has been said to my grand kids) she had to be in bed at 9:00." I thought my daughter was going to fall over in her chair, she didn't know which tale her son was going to tell.

She recently cut me off, no surprise. This time will be the last. She has spent since she was 6 years old (when her dad left) telling people what a terrible mom I am and has played me against anyone who would play along. I have heard so many hateful hurtful things while all this time I have given that support the counselors tell me to give. This is abuse from my daughter if you ask me and it will not stop. If it is her perspective, then so be it.

It hurts, I hear ya. I too wanted to be part of her life and the lives of her children. Family means a great deal to me but not like this. The relationship I did have with daughter was more of an obligation and I always felt like I was being studied. She cannot accept me for who I am and has no respect for me. She uses people and plays games with their heads to keep her #1 spot with them. Twisting the truth to make me look bad to someone/anyone is her specialty so I have decided I no longer want o be a part of it.

I just put a birthday card in the mail for my grand daughter yesterday. It is hard to say if grand daughter will even get it. I can see my daughter not allowing even a card to get thru to her kids, all in her mind, to protect er children from me. Her children do need to be protected but not from me, from their own mother!

[treefrog]

justfday1968,

I so relate to all you and others are saying! I too recently went NC with my BPD24 dd. She is 5 months pregnant. The greiving and fear are intense. Greiving for the "loss" of our child, and fear for the wellbeing of them and their child. I also felt that I had no choice... .It's such a confusing state to be in. We love our children and want to help them, but we also know that what they do to us is abuse. If it weren't our child no one think we should tolerate abuse. They would automatically tell us to get out and keep ourselves safe. But because it is our child there are many people who think or even say "how could you do this?" I pray that those that think that are never put in the position to make this choice!

I've now had 3 weeks to regroup, and here is what I've realized... .I had started to see myself as the "victim".  In that state I had stopped using the tools for dealing with my dds BPD. I was exhausted and not keeping boundaries firmly in place. I had stopped taking care of myself, thinking that would keep the rages at bay. So, my first goal for myself is to regain strength and to remember who I am and what I deserve.

Next goal is to really study the tools provided here.  After doing alot of reading here I am coming to accept that my relationship with my dd will always be difficult, not the easy close relationship I had always hoped for. But it can be healthier! I realize that I am sensitive. And there are ways to make myself less vulnerable,  which in turn may help her manage her intense feelings.

As jsfriend said low contact is a good option. When that is the way we lived things were so much more manageable! It allows you to keep your boundaries in place and to have the space to use the tools in your interactions. Please just make sure you are feeling strong before you go to LC, otherwise it is really easy to slip into old behaviors!

And as you said solidstate, it is disenfranchised grief! It is beyond what most people can even begin to understand. But I believe that we still need to allow ourselves to grieve!

I pray for you, myself and anyone else in this position, that we will find a way to heal and reconnect with our children in a healthier way.

Sending out light and love

Treefrog  

[Justftday1968]

Thank you so much for all your messages I can relate to them all .and thank you so much regarding the disfransied  grief.  At least now I feel iv some one to talk to . I'm laid here  4am can't sleep .eat.

I have tried every kind of contact with my daughter .also through my gs fathers which resulted in him telling my daughter things I'd said . It was an occasion I'd had to hand my gs over to him as my daughter was trying to take him while drunk . I didn't want gs here wen she came bk . So called his dad. 

In the letter I put I have come to a decision that I can't keep hurting her and gs so it's best we end contact. I bullet point all the reason.

Been a drunk

Bad grandparent

Rubbish mum ect ect ect

I don't want to ruin gs life like iv ruin hers  so I want you t get on and be happy . I did make it clear not to come to my house or I would call the police as I don't want t argue . I said you have grandma and aunty ( my family scapegoated me all my life )

Didn't want no discussion bk . I no like the sun comes up tomorrow it's a waste of time .there's nothing I haven't done f that child to help her . Iv always praised her .encouraged.  I feel a bit betrayed too.  I feel she s always hated me deep down . Hard to explain .

In process of moving pictures .toys ect .

So so hard

Crying

X

[mimi99]

You are in the right place, justftday1968. We are a community of people who truly understand what it is to love a pwBPD. When I had to kick my daughter out, I cried constantly. The grief and fear is real, and intense. The tools provided here have helped me a lot, and I have found that over the last few weeks the stages of grief have progressed from intense sadness (I sobbed all the way to and from work every day) to anger and resentment to finally being able to feel some compassion and understanding of how sick she really is. We shall see where it goes from here. Keep posting and reading and check out the tools. Hugs

[mom2bpd]

We do truly understand your grief here on this board.  You are so right that few people understand our grief and that it never goes away whether in contact with the BPD or not.  I've had one period of no contact with my daughter and like other BPDs she was back in contact as soon as she needed something.  I often feel abused by my uBPDD and only put up with it because I have an 8 year old GD that is the apple of my eye.  She needs her family desperately so I try to get along.  I'm getting better thanks to my counselor with setting boundaries and getting some respect.  It's tough though and in your situation you really have few choices and have to protect your sanity.  I hope that eventually you can heal enough to go low contact so that you are able to see your grandson.  My prayers are with you.